Thursday, October 29, 2015

terrifically terrifying thursday.

Stan stayed home for a little bit this morning which threw my schedule off and that got me pretty upset but i tried to keep it inside my head (for no reason other than i dont like when things happen that i dont plan for lol.. its okay.. im just a weirdo and im sorry i cant help it... it makes me ansty and anxious ok) but i know somewhere inside my crazy brain that its just my ocd with things happening on time and its ok
i just felt really anxious
but that is just life with this kind of weird mental illness

i took a nap and felt a good bit better, almost like hitting the reset button. and THEN Finally finally went to the store

I looked around and thought about getting some of the things to try baking and making the halloween treats i have pinned on my pinterest board but i just got really overwhelmed with all the calorie counting =X
and yeah... so  i thought about it and.... if i want to eat any of the stuff myself...its gonna be so complicated thats why i hate complex food. one thing at a time please. just... bear with my here. atleast im eating just let me choose what it is and know exactly how much it is, okay. thanks. my body my rules.


so i got some precut cookies that you just place on the cook sheet and bake so the calories are pretty consistent per cookie and i can write down the amounts and know what i will be eating when i eat them

so i will be baking tomorrow for THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR 
and cleaning out my car... my parent still havent seen my car since i added bumper stickers to it. haha... but we did tell them that we will be buying it eventually soon... probably soon.  maybe we can do that at the end of the year... or start of next year... we need to get me more separated from my parents.. but paying for the car insurance and up keep is going to be hard when i have no control over the money at all. and no money. really. not that i need that much but i guesss.. i guess if we bought the car stan would just take care of it??? i wouldn't have to think about it? i dont know.. i have no way to pay it myself if he doesnt pay it so that is what i mean.. i have no bank account or money.
the subject of whether or not we would get a joint bank account came up the other day and i kind of had a mini panic attack because i haven't thought about that at all... i dont want to think about it.... i dont want to have control over his money and the ability to spend it without him knowing it.. i need him to approve everything i spend his money on now because of whats happened and i feel guilty and.. getting a seperate account for me that he puts money is the only way i can imagine this working.. i dont trust myself with other peoples money.. i dont WANT other people to trust me with it.. i dont deserve it.. i feel like its a very heavy burden to bear and i dont want it... just give me an allowance and we will go from there.

i have been having a lot of anxiety lately over my asking for and needing things.. and its starting to make me really upset.. i dont want to ask for things. i dont want to need things. i hate feeling needy, i want to need nothing. its tied in with my eating disorder... i know that.. i want to consume nothing, take up no space, be no burden, barely leave a footprint on the world... i dont feel significant enough to warrant needs and things. i dont know this is getting down a rabbit hole i dont wanna go yet. BUT ITS WEIRD BECAUSE AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL SEXY AND HAVE MORE HAPPYS BECAUSE I AM NOT AS MUCH OF A FAT BLOB AS I WAS. still got a lot of work to do..
but thats all happening... i know most people let go and eat massive amounts of food during the holidays but everytime i do that i feel ridiculously pathetic and gross and nasty nasty nasty. like... cannot live in my skin what have i just done oh my god fat fat fattie nasty. i will settle for eating small portions of what i want and stopping there, cutting myself off because as good as things may taste-- the self hate that comes after wards is so much harder to handle than than anything ever.

i think in january i will start back therapy again, i think i will need it by then, given all the holiday chaos.. im going to probably zone out and write in my journal a lot while we are on vacay i dont know what to do.. i have no panic attack medication, and i cant drink-- it helps but hurts more than it helps, and there's just literally nothing i can do to make the madness stop but dissociate and i dont want to be that weird girl, but i dont think i have a choice... i feel like i might be getting better at socializing but everytime i think that something really bad happens and i take a million steps backwards and have to start over.

luckily i have a psychiatrist that, believe it or not, i can talk to. she remembers me after months of not seeing me and she is very nice and chatty and attentive to my emotions and expressions... she is a Tele-Psych.. we do our session on the webcam cisco stuff.. huge ass screen ... its pretty fucking cool. i think she does it that way so she can see more people without having to physically travel... technology is pretty amazing.
this lady psych told me that should actually COULD write me a script for Ativan, which is for acute panic attacks, but i didnt take her up on it because it was probably a test to see if i would jump at it like an addict and while i have addict problems,  i do have a good hold on what goes with my issues in that field.. and i am kind of.. i almost dont want the damn pills because im scared of what i might do but i need them for really hard times like, say, this christmas gathering shit im looking at in december. this is something i would want Stan to keep with him and dole out to me when necessary. i dont want to be in charge of them... at all.
i dont see her again until january so thats after the christmas stuff so it DOESNT EVEN MATTER GUYS IM FUCKED EITHER WAY. lol yay life sucks

and saturday we will be taking my car to my parents house so my dad can work on it.. it shouldn't take too long just a few hours maybe... mom told me to check the tire pressure before leaving to make sure i dont have a blow out on the way and have to get another tire but i dont know how or where to do it.. i mean, i do but i dont? i think it will be fine

i think we are calling it a night early here its just 7pm and we are both in the bedroom though i have something to do here but Stan is really tired they are running him too hard at work and i dont like it because it makes him very negative and i feel the negative energy vibes he is bringing home and it cant fix it =(
and i want to fix it, you know?

i am going to have to start working on the christmas cardsthat we will be giving out the save the dates in this decemberrrrr i need addresses of a million people and i need to get organizeddd

now its almost 9pm and i am still sitting here wide awake
i guess i will go read my book(s)

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