Friday, September 18, 2015

a nice friday night at home =)

the town is probably insane tonight with the football game tomorrow--- Stan opted out of going out with Mac and his friends for birthday shenanigans  which is probably a really good thing because I know Stan has been working ridiculously hard this week and he needs a night to just chill the fuck out.

Especially since tomorrow we are going to drive up to my parents house (game day traffic boooooooo) and have a cook out and what not.. and he is going to cook, i think. and that takes focus. and the other people that will probably be there on top of that
THEN on sunday we are going to church and i am so excited... maybe we will ask about having the wedding ceremony there while we are there?
i dont know

it will be kind of exciting i guess.. maybe they will sing some good hymns and i can sing my little heart out haha

I am reading "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi and it is so fucking brutal and honest and no sugar coating the hellish world of eating disordered thinking... its harder for me to read than Wasted by Marya Hornbacher EVER was... This woman has been through so much and I am finding pieces of myself in her autobiography.

I am so torn on how i might not get to go to the beach that i cant even think about it and get excited about things to do there because i dont want to get excited and then get disappointed ..... ugh


instead i have been obsessing over the wedding which is making Stan pissy because "ITS A YEAR AWAY" yeah and you know... i get really distracted randomly for no reason.. i probably will find other shit to obsess over between now and then--- and i want to make sure i have the most important things planned and ready just incase i lose my mind???
i think its my anxiety about not remember things that makes me want to plan it so much... i am want to remember every little detail and write it down, pin it on pinterest, make a note-- because i dont know if i will remember it later--- chances are i wont. given my memory problems.

i am considering asking if we can incorporate a handfasting ritual into the ceremony-- it would tie in with our celtic vibe thing i want to have for the wedding and reception

i am trying to eat more protein here lately but i dont know... i need to poop. its been a few days and nothing is moving AND i ate cheesy stuff.... so that is not gonna be fun
i guess i have to drink some damn herbal poop tea again i was hoping i could stop doing that but i dont guess it will be an option if i keep eating so much greasy cheese ughhh

im still fat fat far i will always be fat fat fat even when i lose weight like i did years ago i was fat so i dont even .... i know i fighting a losing battle but its a battle i cant stop fighting because i dont want to be a lard ass... i have all these nice clothes and god damn it i wanna wear my nice sexy winter clothes DAMN IT

i seem to have pulled a muscle in my left hip or something--- my left hip joint always bothers me before the other.... the only other thing that gets me is my knees... god damn softball.
thank you for ruining my legs

i cannot sleep very well here lately and i dont want to take lots of herbal sleepy pills because they seem to make me unable to get up in the morning the next day..... but take FOREVER to put me to sleep???? i dont know

i am just going to sit here and obsess over shit

i decided to start using that spare blank planner i had started to decorate as a calorie log like i used back in 2011 when i got really skinny. nostalgia, yall. im full of it.

i think i might watch some tv tonight since stan went to bed early(ish)
he needs the rest and i am glad he didnt go out tonight


Miss. Lilly is in my lap right now... she sits in my lap a lot lately... i think she is getting more friendly as she gets older.. with Stan too... but a lot with me... but she definiately has her cute baby cooing that she does still... its so precious... shes done it since forever... she wakes up from a nap all confused and coos and looks around for mommy and im right here and she lets me pet her and she gets re-situated and goes back to sleep

maybe i can sleep now i dont know if i cant i will get back up and write in my journal

also i think i might hand write some part of my wedding invites =X i love writing all frilly script and such and it will be fun... i have been practicing writing pretty for a while now in my planner and journal and i didnt even think about how maybe i could do this... so that would give me something to do for a while.... cause i think we might have somewhere around 40 invites to send out =X having a big family suckssss lol i guess a lot of those BRIDEZILLAS have bigger weddings but the church cant hold much more and i dont even want much more...
Stan hasnt even got a solid list of his people he wants to invite yet lol
i just know that my side of the family is, if they show up-- and i hope they do, i really hope they do-- going to be pretty overwhelming
see there i go obsessing over wedding shit again

im patheticccc

okay as soon as this kitty gets up i will try to go lay down and sleep maybe

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