i went to mom and dads on monday to visit them and see mom for her birthday, which was august 11th
i gave her her stuff... talked to Kim who was there... talked lots and lots had lots of fun too. just being around people is fun now... i am so happy with my medicine right nowww ahhhh
some storms came through and knocked out the power in the evening so we went a few hours without any AC and oh my god i think i almost dieddddddd. jesus.
i couldnt sleep until the power came back on and the AC kicked in and cooled the rooom down--- another reason i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know this was going to be a problem but it was --- there was no fan making white noise to drown out that humming i hear when its silent... its so deafening and overwhelming i cant stand it .... so i need a noise machine.. fans work good..
on wednesday morning i got up and texted april a few times but she didnt answer and i was like.... well shit maybe she doesnt want me to come... but turns out the messages never even made it to her.. and im so glad i called because jesus... can you imagine the drama at family gatherings if we never made up and figured out what had happened because she was sitting there thinks i didnt want to see her! stupid technologyyy grrrr
so i left in the afternoon and went to her house and we talked and talked and talked and i told her my whole life story... it was weird to finally tell someone everything... but it felt good. she laughed with me at the insane things that happened.. i love April.. she is the closest thing i have to a sister.. and i asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding!!! so now i have her, and im going to ask Julie and Jessica. and if Gordon is still dating Krista.. she will be too (unless she doesnt want to... which is possible.. ive never seen her wear anything but jeans and a tshirt.. lol i would understand if she didnt want to, its not a big deal i just wanted to offer that if it was something that tickled her fancy or something)
i slept on the couch at aprils because i know i talk in my sleep and kick and stan says sometimes he wonders if im possessed by a spirit or something cause i say weird shit like... lolololololol anyways!!!! i just didnt want to scare her with my weird sleep issues.
i got up and left her house when she took her oldest to school that morning... it was her 3rd day of school ever... kindergarten ... seeing April with her little ones just makes me want a family even more
then i went to walmart and then to see my PawPaw and surprise him.. and nana called while i was there so i talked to her on the phone.. she is staying with her sister, Aunt Alice, because alice is very very very sick and might die in the next few days if she doesnt have heart surgery and it go well... so prayers, people, prayers.
anyways about the baby thing
i know we have to wait and see what our genes and dna are like, and THEN the issue of getting on safe medications... but... its going to be worth it. i have grown so much and changed and i just.. i want to have a baby.. i dont think i will ever feel complete if i dont. i dont think i could...handle not.. i dont know .... im so emotional about this... i want to raise a child and show them the world ... with open mind and curiousity...and watch them experience all these little things in life as they grow and i am crying thinking about it... i cant believe i ever convinced myself i didnt want a kid.... when its all that i ever did really want. my mother was so amazing and my dad and.. i just.. i want to do this... i need to.. i have to.. if i cant i dont know what i will do... i guess we will adopt but it would be so amazing to have one of our own.
im gonna stop bawling now... ok thank
on a completely different note--
friday we are meeting at New Orleans Bar & Grill here in town to celebrate my PawPaws 80th birthday!!!!
80 years old... i sure hope i got some of THOSE genes haha. its gonna beeee.. mom and dad and me and stan and pawpaw and nana and gordon and maybe krista.. maybe kim too
i am so excited to see nana and pawpaw... though i saw pawpaw on the way home
also gonna eat some good foodsssss
the NEXT week is gordons birthday week and we are going to the casino that saturdayyyyyyy
okayokay i gotta stop now... but life is good and im reading books and doing house work and chuggin along just find like a little train
i am so happy and so blessed and i need to take time to be grateful and remember how far ive come and be GRATEFUL DAMN IT