Monday, April 6, 2015

Back to reality

It's my birthday. I am 29. And that scares the hell out of me.
tomorrow I have to get up at 7 am and take a shower before Stan leaves for work because that's the only chance I will get to do it before my parents come tomorrow at like.. 10.
Because after he leaves I have to walk the dog and finish getting ready and find outfits. And after my parents come....
I have to go to Indian rivers for my yearly check up on shit at noon...which is an hour early but that's what gets you in and out the fastest... Getting there early cause people skip their appointments all the time and yours could get pushed up.

Uh anyways

The festival is Saturday
.....and after the festival I have to go back into normall house wife mode and I am scared to death of that too.
I have to clean up the mess here and it's going to be pretty over whelming

But I can't think about that because I have to think about the festival first

I have general anxiety disorder. With panic attacks sometimes. My anxiety is constant. I can't remember a day I was not dreading and worried. It's been this way all my life.

Maybe some day there will be a doctor or a medicine that will help better than buspar but so far it's the best shot I have at dealing with this.
So I have to take buspar THREE TIMES A DAY
do you have any idea how annoying it is? It doesn't even take the edge just builds up in the blood stream and you have to keep taking it for it to work. And even then it barely works

Every single day is hard

There is no off day with mental illness.
It's a 24 hour 7 days a week thing

And it's hard

And I am trying

"don't give up"

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