Monday, March 2, 2015

its not fair. its just simply not fucking fair

i worked so hard to get myself stable. so FUCKING HARD. it took tons of medication and moving into a new place away from people that was more quiet but i finally got things together and the thoughts in my head slowed down and i have sure footing and a wonderful man and.. this... THIS... AND NOW THIS FUCKING GUY

i had a severe paranoid delusion episode after Brandon and I first broke up (i was afraid of going anywhere alone.. i refused to for months)... but it faded in time with therapy and support from friends and i felt ok and safe.

Safe enough to even move into the apartment of my boyfriend who lives on the same end of town he is at- -- where there will be possibilities for us accidentally running into each other. and i was ok. i wasnt scared.

but this is not fair. after all these months... i was ok and this is NOT FUCKING FAIR

i am a jewelry designer. i have a festival to be at in april and i am scared of being out in open spaces again
this is not ok and this is not fair
 why did you have to follow me. i asked if i knew you and you just stood there all creepy.. why did you do this.. this is not ok... i am not ok with this and if anything else happens my boyfriend is going to take care of it promptly.
 so fuck you

fuck you


the worst feeling is that i know i have paranoia (part of my illness) and i cant... i have no way of knowing if it is warranted or not.. i cant... unless i confront the person... i dont... and then i feel like.. maybe its not him and i am going insane ....i am so scared and i dont want to be crazy... i want it to have been him so atleast i am not mad... but i dont know. i cant... i fucking hate this mental illness like this its... its not fair.

its not fucking fair

i had been doing so good and everything was great and i was about to take this huge step into the world with doing this festival in april and now i cant even... i cant go to public places anymore alone ...
this is not fair

i have worked so hard to get here

and it is all taken away in one afternoon by this... this nonsense crap i dont even.... WHY COULDNT HE JUST TALK TO ME. not talking to me makes me scared because i cant... i dont know. fuck.

and now i cant sleep
my mind wont shut off

so thanks a bunch
whether or not he was actually there was creepy as fuck today
i dont know

i was sure at first
and now i feel like well fuck i am so batshit maybe i thought somebody else was him he changed his appearance so much i wouldnt know


not fair i want to scream and throw things and i cant and all i am doing is crying

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