Saturday, October 18, 2014

friday was shitty today was ok but also shitty

so today (saturday) we went out to my parents house and watched the game and ate the shrimp boil fundraiser plates for the local volunteer fire department .... i went with mom to go get them at half time and it was a stand in line and wait thing and i started having what i can only assume was a panic attack... but its was worse than normal.. like... WAY WAY WAY WORSE than normal...
its like some weird new level of panic attack happening here lately-- because .. well, when it happens i cant breath. like i for real CANNOT BREATHE.  my chest is tight and i cant breath. this isnt my freaking out and breathing too much and shallow and too fast hyperventilating... its like-- it hurts and i cant take in enough air and i have to sit down

i say panic attack because i really do NOT want it to be some kind of asthma... that is not something i can afford... oh god i dont even want to think about it.. for fucks sake

and then my chest hurts on the inside from the GERD and acid reflux pain

i was out of breath almost anytime i had to get up and walk today
i wish i were joking
i couldnt breathe!
i dont know what the fucking hell is wrong and its makes me very mad

im also depressed and feel like nothing is worth getting out of bed and WELLL YOU KNOW MAYBE IM RIGHT I COULD PASS OUT RANDOMLY  ANYWHERE I GO AT THIS RATE

anyfucking way

i have a list of serious business projects to do next week that involved jewelry making

tomorrow i need to practice clarinet a bunch

i have to find a way to force myself to get up and live right now and that scares the hell out of me

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