Thursday, September 18, 2014

thursday is... thursday which is not friday... thats almost saturday

uh anyway. I kind of had a moment earlier where I freaked out because I felt trapped
but it passed and i started cleaning the bathroom and organizing things
i know i am not trapped.
i dont know why i have this fear of it so... Brandon was so needy and possessive and didnt trust me to even drive to and from work by myself alone.. like seriously... ok.

lisa told me i would probably have some mild post traumatic stress from the adjustment i just... i dont know.. i havent made as much headway and i hoped i would i still feel like i am being .. i dont know.. i cant explain it

its nothing Stan is doing at all.
its something inside my head thats gotten all twisted around,

while i was talking to myself and cleaning the bathroom i talked out something that was pretty significant--- i have not been okay since Lisa stopped being my therapist
i miss her
i dont want to see anyone new because i dont want want to go through this all over again
i am sad and scared and alone
lisa would know what to do

i get lost in repetitive tasks all day.. forget what im doing... i dont know...

my emotional instability is ridiculous and i dont want to change my meds because i am scared of gaining even more weight if they add a salt based mood stabilizer... i want to cut my skin and fat off with a knife as it is.. i cant handle any more added weight

i am going to go lay down with Stan now.. its only 6:30 pm but he didnt sleep well last night.. it was pretty bad.. he was all over the bed.. i almost left and slept on the couch to give him room.
i am worried about him so much and i cant do anything i feel helpless i can massage his muscles and stuff but this is  a serious illness and i cant... fix it.. i just need to find a way to make it ok in my head somehow

uh oh so much for that
i think he is in bed for the rest of the evening until tomorrow unless he wakes up hungry around midnight... which is possible

i am starting a new art journal/scrapbook.... yaaaaaaaaay

soooo i just put a label on the recycled glass gar that is now the sugar canister in the kitchen. Stan got me Double sided tape at the DollarTree and its going to make a lot of things easier for meeeee
except the collecting fall leaves part lol i forgot that i needed normal tape to seal them off from air as much as possible (the paper breathes a bit but its negligible)

and you have miss lilly

i am on my own for dinner and i am kind of freaking out and thinking i might not eat anything at all because i dont know what to do and i am scared i will eat everything

i am so hungry right nowwww

ok i ate tater totsssss

and i am watching a weird old movie from the 1950s lmao
the only reason we put it on our watch list was its called "The Fuzzy Pink Night Gown"
ahhahaha its so funny and weird and funny i am probably gonna watch more random old movies lol

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