OMFGITSTABITHA.COM

omfgitstabitha (3:53:20 PM): you know what i hate?
omfgitstabitha (3:53:38 PM): mother fuckin roll-on deoderant, or any kind of gel deodorant
omfgitstabitha (3:53:45 PM): they don't DRY in the south because it's so humid
omfgitstabitha (3:53:57 PM): i have to use the solid kind because of that

And no, I have nothing else to report at the moment.
Enjoy this bit of Alabama wisdom, guys.

So I'm digging through my boxes of stuff today, and what do I find? TA-DA.

So here's today's little meditation, if you will:

July 24: "Women have felt the need to pretend to be happy in order to be feminine." --Gloria Steinem

Responsible people do what they have to do. Figuring out what we have to do, unfortunately, is a lot harder than it looks. How man "shoulds" should we listen to? How many are true? Should we really behave, thank, and feel differently than we do? Who says so?
Those of us who are females with families have been held responsible for too many "shoulds." In our efforts to be everything to everybody, we've too often become nobody to ourselves-- always standing at the end of the line when wants and needs being addressed. Obviously this doesn't do a lot for our self-esteem. What's even worse is the popular culture's insistence that we should be happy about it.
But unrealistic ideals are not healthy. no one should be bullied into pretending happiness-- or accepting responsibility for other people's happiness. Because the goal itself is false, pursuing that goal diminishes self-esteem.
In general, pretending is of little use in building a better, happier life. Pretending that is grounded in delusion and denial is not true femininity or true anything else that has any value.
I am free to choose my own goals and the means of achieving them.

I was told I had to write a blog entry, so here it is. Haha

I guess you never know what you really want until something really life changing presents itself.

Pregnancy, even the possibility of it, changes everything.

I don't know how long it will take for me to find someone to start a family with whom I get along with, but I guess that's fine. I will just live my life. Things tend to happen when you're not looking for it. Proven fact.

So maybe the person I need will show up randomly in the future. If not that's fine. I'll be okay.

The most important thing anybody can ever do is the things that they think will make them happy.
So that's what I did.
There isn't much else to say.

Once I get a job I will start looking for apartments. =P
That will be super fun, no? Having a place to live that is more than a bedroom and isn't a house full of people who come and go all hours of the night will be awesome. Plus there will be significantly less DISHES TO WASH.
Haha.

My cat missed me. He's been all clingy since I got back. So cute.

I'm about to run to the store for shampoo and conditioner, since I didn't have room to pack that stuff and I'm always afraid it will explode somehow.

Catching up with some friends has been fun the past day or so.
Yesterday felt like two days worth of time because I stayed up really late last night talking. There's this one person I just can't, for the life of me, stop talking to... I don't think I've ever had a better friend than this person. It's refreshing for someone to actually check on me and see how I'm doing multiple times a day. That's what I've needed, someone who actually talks to me. It feels like something inside is coming back to life now that I have people I talk to regularly. Getting ignored 99% of the day is kind of a daunting feeling.

ANYWAYS. TO THE STORE! I guess my brother will have to drive me lol

I'm moving to Alabama in a less than a week. It could been two days or, 5 days or whatever. I don't know. There is a lot of crazy shit going down here at Posi, and I don't even want to get started talking about it because it will just piss me off even more. I just want to go home to Alabama where I know I will be taken care of.

I have a lot of thinking to do. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the next few months... I just hope everyone comes out of this with a better perspective on life.

ANYWAYS, in my boredom I am going to browse tumblr, so expect new stuff on the "Tabs Loves It" Page, since that's where that shiz is from.

So... we got back around 8 or 9 Monday. The drive was okay, I guess. Other than the 2 hours we spent in a traffic jam on the interstate because a tractor trailer turned over. We moved 8 miles in those 2 hours, pretty much. Yikes.
It was so bad that I had to pee... and there was no exits, no stores, no houses. nothing. We pulled off on the side of the road and the car blocked me while I pissed on the side of the road. There was literally no other option at that point. I had to pee so bad I was in pain.

I started driving after we got dinner/breakfast at an Omelet Shoppe around 3am. And I drove until the sun came up and then some. I drove for as long as I could but eventually I knew that it would be dangerous if I didn't pull off to rest, so I stopped at the first place I found, which was a McDonalds. Haha. We must have been a sight: two kids sleeping in their cars in a parking lot. Keep in mind that when I was driving, Dennis was asleep, so I was kind of left up to my own ideas. haha.... Because, now that I think of it, McDonalds wasn't the best place to stop and SLEEP. But it ended up being alright because I only slept for three hours or so, and then I woke up, changed t-shirts so I felt more clean, and started driving again around 8am or something. I drove until 10 am I think, I'm not sure. Dennis eventually woke up and took back over. We have noticed a humming noise while driving the T-bird. Something is wrong with it, but we aren't suer what it is. It's very unsettling, and Dennis is worrying about it a lot. We aren't sure what we're gonna do in the way of cars because we have got to find a way to get everything taken care of and we need working vehicles, so hopefully this is something simple or something that we don't even have to really work on in the first place. I don't know.

We went back to Centralia, Pennsylvania. Dennis got a ton of pictures this time. Went spent quite a while just roaming around the ghost town taking pictures before we decided to leave... we were hungry and hadn't eaten since 8am. and it was around 4pm before we got another meal. There just wasn't anywhere we wanted to eat coming up on the interstate exit signs. But we eventually stopped somewhere in New York state and ate at an IHOP. After that we headed straight back to Holyoke, if I remember correctly.

Since we've been here it's been HOT AS HELL. Just like it was in Alabama. D= I am so so so hot and sweaty this year. I think there is something wrong with me. I have never sweat-ed this much before in my entire LIFE.

In the coming month we will be returning to Alabama, with James's truck and trailer to take our stuff down there. Dennis will come back up here with James and they will fly out to Seattle for that job over there, mean while I will be at home looking for a job and/or scoping out trailers. We are really excited about this... We have so many ideas and plans and wants for our own place. Most of them are stuff Dennis will have to build, like decks and porches and such.a

And for the record guys, I am not pregnant, In case you hadn't heard already. I am, however, convinced my hormones are messed up. There is no reason I should be feeling the way I feel lately. It's ridiculous.
Anyways, Dennis and I got kind of attached to the idea of having a baby while all this was happening the past week or so. So... We are planning to conceive sometime next year... and hopefully have a baby in 2012. However, if it accidentally (by the will of God, perhaps) happens before then, we will be just as happy to have our little darling sooner.

So that's that. I will keep everybody posted on how the packing and moving is going. And then Dennis and James's little trip and job in Seattle. So exciting to finally be getting a place of my own eventually. I mean, it won't be immediately, by any means. It will take months. But just being home is a blessing in and of itself, even if it is a million and one degrees outside. =P

It's monday, and we're in Griffin, GA at Dennis's Grandpa's house. The house is absolutely lovely, if I havent already mentioned it. I will probably take some pictures and upload them eventually. I have TONS to pics I've taken the past few days, but I can't get around to uploading them until I get back to Holyoke, MA with their super fast internet connection. lol.

So last I updated it was thursday night, and I had just gotten home from my dinner date with Kate and Lauren. =)

On friday my entire family went out to Oyster Bay in Tuscaloosa. It's this totally awesome seafood buffett. And the food is actually worth eating, unlike most buffetts. I have a video of my dad playing with a crawldaddy, haha. So yet again, when I get my good internet connection I will upload that for everyone's enjoyment.
The dinner was the first time my entire family got to go out to eat the while time we were on vacation. And it was also mine and Dennis's 3 month anniversary. =D
After dinner we went BOWLING. Dennis had never been bowling before, so it was pretty freaking cool. At 9 pm they turned on the blacklights and stuff in the bowling alley, so everybody was glowing. I really don't like bowling, and I hadn't been since I was kid. And I am probably even worse now than I was back then, if that's even believable. The first set I bowled a 30. A FUCKING 30. How is that even possible? lmao. Seriously.

On saturday Dennis and I should have been packing and such, but I slept WAYYY too much and didn't get anything done. And neither did Dennis, so we were up until atleast midnight saturday night trying to get everything set for when we left Sunday. And because of THAT, we slept until like, 10:30am on sunday. When we had originally planned on waking up at the butt crack of dawn and getting on the road. It's a good thing that we didn't though because his grandfather ended up not being home until later that night.

And by the way guys, the heat down here is un-fucking-real. Like, unbearable. I keep getting these weird hot flashes, and not just when I'm outside in the heat, but when I'm inside in the air conditioner, too. But when it does happen while we're outside I literally end up soaked through and through with sweat. My hair gets so wet that it looks like I just got out of the shower. And then I get really shaky and weak and nauseated and have to lay down. It's one of the worst feelings ever. Another thing going on with my lately is my anxiety is absolutely unreal. Like, it's unmanagable. I can't go to stores without flipping out the whole time I'm there. It's really embarassing.

So anyways, we drove to Griffin and almost died from heat exhaustion the whole way. We got here around 8pm last night and were took tired to do anything at all, so we just had them go get a pizza or two for us. I was so hot and sick feeling that I could only eat one piece. And I went to bed at like.. 9pm, woke up in the middle of the night with severe stomach pains and ended up on the toilet for 30 mins. I then slept until 11am or so. The heat is really getting to me, I'm so tired and weak. Dennis thinks I'm getting dehydrated over and over again. I don't even know, I mean, I guess it's possible but the thought of having to drink powerade or gatorade everyday like Dennis does makes me mad. I don't want all those extra calories.

Today we had a few plans and ideas that his grandfather wanted us to do, but things just didn't even get decided on and now we are laying down for a late nap after dinner. Or, well, Dennis is. I am sitting here fighting my sleep, trying not to nod off so I can write this entry and upload the pictures from my cell phone in a few minutes.

Tomorrow, on tuesday, we are leaving here and heading to Augusta, GA to stay with D's grandmother, Betty, and her husband Ralph. Hopefully I will have somehow adjusted to the heat before then because I really don't wanna be all gross and weird and hot the whole time I'm there. It would just seem really rude and odd, and I feel horrible because I've been acting so weird cause I can't stop sweating and I keep having to lay down and rest all the time.

So today I fiiiiiinally got to see some people from highschool. YESSS. I got to see Kate Greene Wilcoxen and Lauren Long! We ate at Olive Garden (or they did, haha, I was too busy TALKING so I took my food home in a to-go box. Which I devoured as soon as Kate left after dropping me off a few hours ago.) I really adore Lauren, and I am a bit mad at myself for not being closer friends with her when we were younger. We all should have talked more, in general. Anyways, it was awesome and I plan to get back in touch with her more often, and even talk to more people from NHS. I'm a different person, a lot of things have happened. And I want to apologize for some things I have done and said to some of these lovely ladies I went to school with. I didn't get around to it tonight, but if I remember correctly the two or three people I really need to apologize to are Jill, Rhysie, and Holly. So someday I will suck it up and make myself do it, because it has been on my conscious for years now. And it makes me loathe myself. =/ ANYWAYS....
After dinner Kate took me to Barnes and Nobel, and I got some books. That I shouldn't have gotten. Oops. Haha. Kate got some coffee, and then she drove me to my house. She came in with the intention of just saying hi to my parents, but she ended up staying a while. We looked at old pictures of our high school band shenanigans. Oh to be young and able to go to honor bands again. I miss playing so much new music with new conductors. I really liked the experience of being directed by so many different people from all over the world, and also playing so much music. I wish I could play in a group again, playing by yourself just isn't as much fun as making music with a group of people, you know? Kate and I also talk about body image issues and such, I told her and Lauren some very private, soul bearing things. But I trust them. I really do. And sometimes it just feels so much better to come out and say things rather than hide them, and that's what eating disorders tend to be about anyways... secrets and hiding things. So NONE OF THAT. =P

Lots of stuff is happening shortly. Tomorrow is mine and Dennis's 3 month anniversary of being married. =P My dad is off work, so Dennis and dad will be on the roof putting up more metal roof, and in the late afternoon they are going to stop and clean up and we are all going to town to have dinner as a family. We haven't had a chance to all eat out at once together since we got here because one of us is always busy and can't be there, so this is special. My parents have always made sure that my brother and I know the importance of sit down family meals, or at least having everybody present often enough. Keeps the family together better, I think.

Saturday Dennis and I have to pack things up.... I don't wanna goooo. But we have to. Sunday we leave as early as possible for Griffin, GA. We're going to stay with his grandfather for two days or so, and then head over to Augusta, GA to see Grandma Betty and Ralph. I'm super excited about seeing them again. I actually feel comfortable with them for the most part, which is saying a lot for me, because I have really bad anxiety.... ESPECIALLY when meeting other people's family!!! And considering how much of Dennis's family thinks I am crazy, stupid, an idiot, and the "biggest mistake Dennis ever made"... yeah. I don't even know.
All I can do is just be myself, keep taking care of Dennis and loving him and being as open and friendly as I can with everyone who will have anything to do with me. I can't change what people think, all I can do is just do the best that I can, the best that I know how. My momma raised me to as much of a lady as I could be... and I know I'm not that great, but I do try. =/

AND SO, we will be back in Holyoke... in time to go to Rebecca and Patricia's high school graduation, though we've heard that Patricia doesn't intend to walk. Which I kind of understand, it's just a ceremonial type thing. And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really mean anything whether you do it or not, you still got it done. I am excited, though, about the possibility of seeing Rebecca again. I can't lie, I adore her. She is awesome and adorable and funny and quite talented in clothing design. I hope she gets to follow her dreams and pursue that path in her life.

SO ANYWAY. I got two new books. And a replacement copy of Madness: A Bipolar Life.
One of the books is Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders,
and the other is Unquiet Mind.
I also need to get on reading Snuff by Palahniuk, so that I can then read Pygmy and then purchase Tell All.

I got a new cell phoneeeee, since I sat my fat butt down on mine. Haha. I got a Samsung Flight. And a super cool, totally me cover case for it. So that wraps up this entry. This was a loooong one. haha.

I hate to say it, but the whole ordeal just didn't go as well as I wanted it to. It was fun, no doubt. Sure. But My Aunt Karen needs to get a hold of herself or straighten herself out or something, and now there's quite a FEW people who know it, too. Not just those select few. I love her to death, but I just don't know. Something isn't right, there's something very sad inside her heart that is making her do these things, and I know it must be... because I can't imagine her behaving like this if it wasn't for some other reason that she was just trying to distract herself or cover up feelings or thoughts or something.
I know people do that kind of thing all the time, hell, I used to do it too. It's not healthy. At all. And it hurts everyone around you.

Anyways. I will be sending all my positive hopeful thoughts towards this situation in hopes that something good will happen and maybe things will turn around.

The swimming pool was FREEZING COLD. At least in my opinion it was. D= Dennis threw me in and water went up my nose. =( And after that we goofed around, hitting beach balls around the pool, playing our little Reynolds' version of volleyball that we like to call "retard ball" .... pretty much just hit the damn ball any way you can with any body part you can and keep it going, but don't knock it out of the pool/off the deck.

We didn't have enough people to have a really good game of it going, haha. Not that there's really any game or score that can be kept when we do it. It's just fun stuff.

There was grilled hamburgers and hot dogs, desserts, beer, swimming, tanning. You know, the usual. But for some reason the fact that my Aunt Karen was drunk and often time said things to me that kind of hurt my feelings... well, it just ruined the whole ordeal for me.
I slept through most everything else after all that. I don't even know what or why. I was tired. Swimming always makes me sleepy, but this was strange. I also had sleep paralysis and night tremors and sweats and such. It's not fun. I hate these things, but it's becoming an almost nightly thing now, so I just have to deal with it, I guess.

On the way back home we stopped at a flea market. And it was AWESOME. I love those places. I didn't wanna leave. I wish we could have went to Tannehill on one of the weekends that place is open... That's my FAVORITE place to go.

I have a bunch of stuff I need to pack up and mail to Erica at her NEW HOME! WITH MOIPH. KREEBBYMOIPH IS ALIVEEEEEE. ahaha. I'm so excited for her. I hope Dennis and I can get a place too so we can have the joy of nesting and picking out furniture and stuff... that will be the best days... ever. omg. Like seriously, I have been looking forward to it since... well, since I know it was gonna be me and Capn for ever. And well, that's been a while now, right? a LOOOONG while.

Soooo... We will be leaving for Dennis's Mother's Dad's house on June 13th. They're in Griffin, GA. So we are running out of time here in lil ole Alabama. On Thursday night I am going to go to dinner with Kate and Lauren Long, I think. =) That's going to be super exciting. I can't wait.
Also, I am getting a replacement phone for the phone I broke. It's gonna cost my parents $50 but since every other phone we use for a back up phone is complete shit... we have no choice in the matter really. So that should be coming in the mail soon.

Dennis and I went to Fayette and Stayed with PawPaw over night last night. It was fun. We saw a friend of mine that I used to work with, and did a tiny bit of shopping. Then we went by where I used to work so I could talk to Lesley, and while I was there, one of the guys who works there asked Lesley if I was pregnant.
I'm sure some of you know already how I responded to this whole ordeal. But It was not pretty.
I am now wanting to lose weight. Again I don't even know. Whatever. I just must be so fat that I look pregnant. OR SOMETHING. D=
I got a lot of responses full of support and offers to talk and phone numbers on facebook, and three of those were from people I completely did not expect to even be really paying attention to little old me and my facebook status updates. haha. So that was a surprise. I am thankful for the support, I am going to try and not relapse. It would break Dennis's heart to see me back where I was before I went into "treatment."

ANYWAYS ENOUGH OF THAT CRAPPP.

Tomorrow we are waking up and going to the THRIFT STORE! AWESOME!!!!
And then heading to my Aunt Pam's house to spend the weekend with her. She has a swimming pool so I can SUPER EXCITED. I haven't went swimming in a really long time. =)
I also hope I can get a little bit of color in my skin cause I am as pale as a ghost!

I NEED TO PLAY POKEMON MORE. The ZI Pokemon Challenge is like.. um, now? or something.

Welllll I better stop typing now, my Hubby is laying in bed watching me and waiting for me to get off the computer and lay down with him. So cute. =)

PS: The picture is a random pic of the corkboard on my bedroom wall, haha. There used to be more stuff on it, but I took it off when I moved and mom put it away... now it's back and will be used.