Sunday, April 29, 2018

Your intermediate update

So... since the last update. I did NOT do the NEDA walk. it was storming and pouring rain and I was pretty sure that's now a good combo for a walk thing. I don't know if they cancelled it but if they didn't they should have because it was really really stormy

My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?

I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat  at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)

we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"




the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)

I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more

these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff










reguarding the nana thing
 I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah

like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.

like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.

I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
like
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief

anyways

we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend

my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th

and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.

sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing

and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!

I am really sad right now.

I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.








RIP Nana





Wednesday, April 18, 2018

its april 18

on the 22 i will be walking in a NEDA awareness walk... i raised 25 dollar thanks to my mother in law
<3
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol

just kidding

on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am

after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself


and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war


woooooooohooooooooo


so freaking excited for this movie!!!!


we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked


so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday

i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall


i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it

Saturday, April 7, 2018

happy birthday to me

so on my birthday i got up and went to hobby lobby with my mom

and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff

and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit

and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!

then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES


after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!
I HAVE BEEN WANTING THIS FOR YEARS


then we went to the mall and I bought two pieces of jewelry from the asian jewelry store and i'm taking them apart and making stuff out of them


then we went to the vape shop and talked to somebody gordon is friends with and explain to him that we are for real brother and sister because he didnt believe it when he saw us separately.



then we went home and i played pokemon until i got ready
and mom took me to the restaurant where stan and i had dinner at the place where we had our first date

and i ate soooo much chicken cheese mushroom and onion quesedilla

and he gave me a love letter he wrote to me
and i read it and cried
and he is so amazing
and i love him
and he is amazing
and i love him
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him


week of the 4th through the 10th

so the first have of this week has been pretty lax i've had some weird sleep all day and night moments but I feel okay emotionally and ...