Thursday, February 8, 2018

more waiting and waiting..

so i had a back up appointment on thursday feb 1st with indian rivers and i was sick.. like idek what was wrong. but i was not ok.

so i rescheduled for feb 13.
so i have to take my lamictal once a day instead of two which really doesnt do anything honestly.

i am starting to think the meds they have me on arent doing anything at all.

i dont even think my prozac is helping my depression
they keep saying bipolar depression is different
well, i'd like to know it is different. how. tell me,

is it simply that treating it with antidepressants causes mania? well just address that when it happens atleast let us bipolar depressed people drag ourselves out of the gutter trash on the side of the road before you slam us down with a mood stabilizer which... by all intents and purposes.. makes you dull, slower, and FAT. i am already fat, if they make me gain weight with medicine i will lose my god damn mind.
i need to make sure these new people. WHENEVER I GET TO SEE THEM... know that


but yeah, i am self medicating right now because i cannot get out of bed if i dont... i cannot do it. there is nothing .
nothing
i have nothing
i get up because i want to see stan off to work and i see him when he gets home but i'm not lovely lovely lovely.

and then he goes to sleep

nothing else is going on... he is the highlight of my day. he is the only thing i have other than lilly. and my online stuff i do to try and stay sane. and pokemon. and my planner
i dont have anything else.

and i know the self medicating only lasts for a day or two but thats a day or two out of bed talking to people like a normal person. breathing fresh air. walking. instead of laying.
so fuck it man




i'm not exactly sad... i'm empty
this great yawning chasm in my chest. empty.
there is nothing,
i am filling it with food.
mountains and mountains of food
 and i am getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter
and its gonna makes me hate myself more
and make me want to leave the house less and less
and make me want to see people less and less

like i have to either stop eating or commit to being fat and hate myself every single second i'm awake.. which is WHY I AM SLEEPING
WHICH MAKES ME FATTER
WHICH MAKES ME WANNA SLEEP MORE

i know they say exercise is all wooohoo change your life but i am not gonna run around here on the road because i am afraid and i cant go to the gym because im fat and the gym costs money and
i have never really worked out at all and i dont think i will ever actually get into it. its just.. something i have never took a liking to.

random things:

Sagen got me, by far, the best washi tape i have ever had. and i am sad i wont get to see her again for..... months? a year?

but because i'm horrible i have to deal with the consequences of being horrible.




in march we are supposed to go to KY, which is .. or should be something to look foreward to. it would be
but i am still waiting on the damn doctors to see me.
and knowing my luck they will want to see me the very exact time we are going to be in KY and i can't even... the anxiety i am feeling about this is insane.
like i wait and wait and wait.... and get told i have to wait some more...  and then told to wait some more.......
and then i have to maybe not even get an appointment until march or april???

i can't even...
like what is this shit
and i feel selfish for saying i would keep an appointment with a doctor over visiting family

like really really really really really really selfish
and i think i would probably ask if they can move it to another week/day?????? i dont know how flexible stan's work is with this and... i am free all the time so really i am THE one that has to give and make it work.

i havent blogged in a while.. and last time i did i think i did it on my phone but typing has been very very soothing to me right now i can kind of just space out and put thoughts to text without really thinking... its takes so so so so so much less effort to type on a computer than on a touch screen phone. i fucking hate the phones they make us have


anyways i am just sitting here stewing. until the 13th.
and after that i will sit here and stew until march.
and i will either have an appointment with a new psychiatrist
and a hopefully a therapist
or i will go to Kentucky
or both????
if the world doesnt fuck me over
again
.


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