Friday, January 12, 2018

its midnight jan 13, 2018

I have been sick for two days or so, and I got stan sick too (i feel really bad. i dont want him to be sick... because being sick with stuff that affects his voice is very very very very very very bad for his job and i am always afraid that he is going to get on trouble because he cant do something and it will be my fault.)
anyways. its been really bad. my brother was sick first and then i got sick and then stan got sick.
we were going to go to the clinic thing but there was no way to go today (yesterday. friday)
and for what its worth the fever i had for about a day a half has went away and i feel a lot better.
my normal body temp is in the 97s. and i was up to 100.4 at one point so that was a lot for me. like just take what a normal person would get a add a degree for me and because thats what my body is doing and feeling. my base temp is not 98.6, its approx a degree lower... so when i have a temp of 98.7+ i am actually on the edge of a low grade fever and getting over 100 is bad news.
anyways


i have been coughing up green wads of hardened mucus that has apparently been coating my lungs for a while... i suspect the nasty stuff was from the time i was a while back and i never coughed it up and it just ..... stayed there? and now its hard and lumpy and looks like dark green crusty but squishy boogers. this stuff like... you know how people say "projectile vomit"? i am "projectile coughing" this stuff...for example, i didnt get my hand over my mouth in time earlier and a big glob of dark green mucus booger landed on the screen of my phone earlier.
like.... i cant make this shit up. it was so disgusting but also really really funny????
i am glad i feel better though. it seemed to have peaked today at some point. or maybe the night before last? i dont know i cant even remember how much time has passed i dont know lol

oh and yeah-----we have called the next option for my mental health care and left a message but they haven't called back. and monday is  holiday so stan is going to call on tuesday and see what has happened, if they haven't called by the time he decides to call.

and in the mean time ---  i am going to have to call the OTHER place back on tuesday..  the place I was referred to when the first place said i was too batshit.... and they told stan that he cant make my appointments for me because i'm an adult (lol i guess they dont gaf if you have severe anxiety, which is one of the things they are supposed to be treating in the first place), so i called and was nasty with them. and they told us it would be a week before they even checked if i was on his insurance. so i'm pretty sure they aren't even trying to get things done for me and i have to call and bitch at them. and i will bitch at them. and i will tell them why i am bitching at them.

we were going to try and FINALLY have a late christmas double date day with our friends alex and sagen but we got sick and now we cant do it.
so tomorrow we will lay around here aimlessly
i will start laundry a day early because we need to wash two loads this time.
and we will go to the store on sunday ... for like.. idk.. 2 or 3 things?

this NEXT weekend Stan's dad and step mom are coming down here and i am scared to death and i dont know what to do about it.
we need to have a photo of us taken and printed at walmart to put in a frame that my dad made that we are giving to them... because the photo he picked out and showed me.... well lets just say i wanted to jump in front of a bus when i saw what i looked like.
i cant even.... knowing that that is how people see me when i go places? i cant handle that. at all. i dont want to go anywhere. people are looking at me and that is what the see and i cant stop it and i cant handle it and i makes me want to vomit and slice my fatty skin off. because i also got on the scale today and my weight was really high and i lost. my. fucking. mind. like.... lost it.

like i wanted to hurt myself
badly
badly
badly
im just not gonna eat for a while
not really
i dont know
fuck life
i will eat my frozen yogurt and pudding and animal crackers and pretzels and idk
i just cant.... i dont know..

i have to find a way to get a good picture with stan before next friday and i also have to lose 10 lbs
neither are going to happen and i literally feel like shutting down. stop living. not get out of bed. call in sick on life for the next week
and after this is Kami-con and I am going to be a fat ass piece of shit and hate myself the whole time but i am going to go anyway and i just have to do it. i probably wont even have fun. i dont know why i wanted to go. i thought people i know would be going but nobody is and now and there is nothing to do there but try and pokemon battle.
there's vendors and stuff to buy but we cant even spend any money so we cant do that either.
and its a lot of walking and stan is going to be miserable and he would take his medicine for that but then he cant drive and we cant afford a hotel saturday night because its so fucking expensive and i knew it was going to be but hwsldghvaolkbgouachgouarjkfhgouah

and i am crying and want to die now so im posting this and yeah i dont care if he gets mad at me for posting it. fuck it

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all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...