Tuesday, May 22, 2018

soooo... this is a busy week

this week we are cleaning up the house because on SATURDAY we are having a crawfish boil here at the house.

Lots of cleaning to do!!!!

Also today my dad drove my husband to the airport. i went with them so i could see him off because you never know when you fly it could be the last time... i know thats morbid but idk. he went with the news team to get a really cool award. like apparently this is a huge deal. I am very excited for him and the station and proud too.
we got stuck in a construction road work area for almost 30 minutes while taking Stan to the airport... that was really really unnerving. very not cool. but we made it and he got there and arrived safely and i just talked to him and he is ok. and celebrating or what not. hahaha.

We had a really big scare with some billing that the oral surgeon sent out but apparently its... i dont know how to explain it but its not the real bill we have to pay. thank God. I was so upset. I was so upset I couldn't even cry hardly. like... I was mad at myself for needing surgery and I still am and I know I dont deserve it. But My husband loves me and.... ok I'm gonna cry now I can't think about this.

long story short-- the bill was not legit and we will pay less.

we have to clean up the house a bit more before the weekend

also refill my meds

i'm trying to get everybody who plays an instrument to bring theirs so we can have a jam session
but i dont think that is gonna happen lol

I have something I wanna do for Stan's birthday but its probably gonna get done after his actual birthday
but it will be so very cool.
and yeah.

I also made him a new tigers eye bracelet

so basically
lots of cleaning
stan in washington DC for two days
refill meds


that's the rest of May... save for my next psychologist/therapist appointment on the 31st.
we are working on my self-esteem and re programming my thinking. its hard and idk how much progress i am making... but i am journaling and trying and i hope i can work things out.

Monday, May 14, 2018

monday isnt even over

and i'm ready for the weekend.
i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet practice to do and i can't do it until weeks from wednesday. no good, guys.

my psychologist appointment was great today. he was chatty and we had a few laughs. but we made some goals and talked about self esteem and self worth. to think i am worth taking care of myself and stuff. I also have to start a second journal to work on some writing prompts with getting my thinking pattern on situations changed.
i'm really gonna try.
atleast he understands the impact of my nana's death on my mental state right now.
he isn't nagging me about getting over the mourning.
which i appreciate, especially from a psychologist.

so after wednesday i wont be able to eat hard solid food. or chewy. or idk. i have no idea what i will be able to eat after my tooth extractions heal. maybe nothing at all.
if i lose weight i will be so happy. so so happy. its like a secret happy thing for me.
i'll be forced to eat less. if at all? yeah

i dont know if i can eat for the crawfish boil but thats ok too

one random note today: i drank a diet coke! i never do that! lol

stan was nice enough to get me IHOP today so i had pancakes... having "last meals" hahah

i love my husband. he has been sick lately with sinus allergy stuff and he wont go to the doctor.... i wish he would. i know its just sinus but it might make it better faster? he cant afford to be sick with his work.

i hope he feels better soon.
i will be a baby after surgery so i dont wanna make him stressed out more with his being sick while i'm a weakling.

i guess i'm gonna play some pokemon now

i practiced clarinet already today.
i will do it tomorrow
after that i dont think i will be able to do it for weeks. or a month. or two idek.

i love my husband.... he makes me laugh and keeps me taken care of and i hope i can take care of him too. i'm trying. i'm really trying.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

this week so far

so for most of the weekend and first of the week we had no internet here at the house lololol


on wedensday i had an oral surgeon consultation appointment where we talked and looked over what we were gonna do when we take my teeth out
it was terrifying but apparently... the insurance i have because of stan is very good and i will be able to get implants so i can eat..... later this year.... one thing at a time
gotta get 4 teeth pulled first


i feel so horrible because i didn't take care of my teeth
and i get mad because i know other people who dont and their teeth arent falling out so its like.... wtf... not fair... it must be genetics i dunno

also on wednesday we went to the last concert my highschool band director is going to direct. he is retiring
or has retired
as of last night
it was amazing and he had the beginning band and middle band and the highschool band all play and then he had people from his past teaching experiences play with the group and it was just amazing

i need to play clarinet more and especially the next few days because after i get my teeth out i dunno how long it will be until i can play again

so next wednesday i am getting my teeth out.

but on next monday i have to see the psychologist
and i dont even know what to expect from that seriously like i've never done this before i've had therapist but not psychologist

i just feel grateful every day that stan is in my life and helping me and im trying to take care of him the best i can

i know you read this and i am sorry for any and alll things that you may have seen or heard or read
but there is nothing i can do about it now, its in the past.

i am trying to be better
a better person
and that's all i can do

Friday, May 4, 2018

today i filled in some holes lol

in the YARD

our dogs love to dig holes in the yard--- i think they are after moles or something under ground

and these holes fill up with leaves and you can tell they are holes and this is dangerous for my husband!!!!!

and other people too... but really dangerous for him

so i am taking my booty outside and shovelling some dirtt today haha

tomorrow we are going to see the INFINITY WAR movie... FINALLLLLLLYYYYY.

I am so excited, we are going early so i need to make sure i shower tonight because I dont wanna have to get up at 5am and start gettng ready... the showing is at 11 and yall know i take forever to get ready for stuff.

my kitty just came and loved on me a lot so i need to go pay attention to her

I just thought i would give an update.

I gotta start cleaning up the house for the crawfish bowl here in a few weeks!!! omggg

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Your intermediate update

So... since the last update. I did NOT do the NEDA walk. it was storming and pouring rain and I was pretty sure that's now a good combo for a walk thing. I don't know if they cancelled it but if they didn't they should have because it was really really stormy

My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?

I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat  at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)

we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"

the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)

I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more

these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff

reguarding the nana thing
 I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah

like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.

like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.

I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief


we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend

my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th

and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.

sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing

and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!

I am really sad right now.

I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.

RIP Nana

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

its april 18

on the 22 i will be walking in a NEDA awareness walk... i raised 25 dollar thanks to my mother in law
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol

just kidding

on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am

after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself

and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war


so freaking excited for this movie!!!!

we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked

so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday

i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall

i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it

Saturday, April 7, 2018

happy birthday to me

so on my birthday i got up and went to hobby lobby with my mom

and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff

and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit

and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!

then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES

after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!

then we went to the mall and I bought two pieces of jewelry from the asian jewelry store and i'm taking them apart and making stuff out of them

then we went to the vape shop and talked to somebody gordon is friends with and explain to him that we are for real brother and sister because he didnt believe it when he saw us separately.

then we went home and i played pokemon until i got ready
and mom took me to the restaurant where stan and i had dinner at the place where we had our first date

and i ate soooo much chicken cheese mushroom and onion quesedilla

and he gave me a love letter he wrote to me
and i read it and cried
and he is so amazing
and i love him
and he is amazing
and i love him
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him

Friday, March 30, 2018

March 30, 2018

So.... Update.
My Meds have been adjusted to "sleepy 24/7" levels but I'm Not manic anymore.
I'm not even sure how I Feel about it.
I'm trying to be more creative,  in general, in life. and also more  attentive to my social Media
This blog included.
I thought I would use the voice to text feature but the little microphone isn't here so. Idek wtf.

Destined to Fail at touchscreen typing for the rest of my days.

We gotta color Easter eggs today or Tomorrow

Stan and I are going to church on Sunday and I'm wearing my old school Granny dress that looks Like it's from the 1950s and I'm Pretty sure it issss from the 50s
So that's cool as hell

I really hope Easter service isn't too long.
Also. Strangely Enough it was Stans idea to go to church. So that was interesting to me.

I Woke up at 2 or 3 Back to Sleep at 4. Up at 6. I have to tend to the doggies all night when mom and dad aren't here.

Next week is mine and Stan's 4 years of dating anniversary. And my 32 birthday.

On April 17th I'm getting more teeth pulled. And after that I won't be able to eat solid food. Probably ever again....

And on April 19th I Have  psychiatrist and psychologist appointments back to back. Literally.

On April 27-29th we are busy with 3 different things.

April is Gonna be a pretty busy month all in all.

Monday, March 19, 2018

KY vacay summary post

We left on time (i think)
I made stan stop for me to pee a lot hahahaha.
I fell asleep TWO TIMES. and managed to vlog on in the car. hahaha

We got to Lexington at 5pm (given type change)
My father-in-law made a DELICIOUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS home made dinner, which was awesome because I was totally not into getting dressed and going out

we had a light brunch at the house--- I had scrambled eggs and bacon cooked in the over it was DELICIOUS
we had a mini lunch (chicken) mostly because I had the munchies and was trying to stay awake and I always get hungry when I get sleepy in the middle of the day (its a weird habit.... my Nana is the way.... was.... the same way)
we went to half priced books and I found nothing worth getting (no good journals or anything) Stan found a copy of the book "A Princess Bride" and a box set of all the "Rocky" movies!!!!!

I went to bed really early sometime my meds make me super sleepy and sometimes I dont sleep that much. I think the new fangled bipolar medication needs to be increased.

It snowed over night!!!!!!

Monday: it snowed!!!! 7 inches of snow!!!!!
I ate a lot of banana pudding hahaha
we left for Morehead while the snow was on the ground but the road was clear.

We had chinese food in Morehead and chillaxed with Stan's mom.

Stan had to run to Walmart in the middle of the night to get me Tums and Pepto.... well, I mean he didn't have to but he loves me and he did it and I love him very very much.

Tuesday: we went to the Appointment with my mother-in-law Miss Joy... and I said something mean without thinking about it at all..... and I fell really bad and I didn't even know I said it I dont remember saying it and I his in the bedroom most of the day.
We also had chinese. Again. There is a lot of good chinese places in around Morehead

Wednesday: Tanner (stan's cousin) and his girlfriend
we hung out and Tanner and Stan talked a lot and I also talked to Tanner's girlfriend a lot. they made food (made tater tots in the air fryer and it was AMAZING to have tater tots not covered in grease)
there ended up being a lot of people at the apartment and I had to go sit in the bedroom.

Thursday: I met stan's ex Meg at the Fuzzy Duck and it was so cool Meg is awesome and we went to her house and saw her horses and her dogs. then we went back to stan's moms apartment and ordered pizza and hung out for a while. I went to bed early because I was really tired.

Friday: we stated in and chilled. I woke up at 6 and took a nap until 10 am lol
more chinese for dinner!!!!!

Saturday: we loaded up (aka threw everything in the tub that the air matress was in lol and left for home

it was very sad and I have decided to try and drive myself up there to visit my mother in law when I can get the nerve and guts to to do it. also when i get my car fixed.

we did laundry and took some stuff to the storage unit on sunday.

and sunday night we tried to watch the new Thor movie but I fell asleep =(
I slept really hard until the closet rod and all the clothes and shelf fell off the wall!!!!!

it was really loud and scared the shit out of Lilly
we had too much stuff hanging on the rod and the sheet rock gave away

Today is monday and I finally took a shower. lmao

I am trying to slowly clean up the bedroom but there is so much in here and no place to put up the clothes

I am making a little headway in parts of the room i guess.

I ate a can of creamed corn for lunch and i emptied and reformatted the micro SD card in my phone

also today its supposed to storm but i dont think it will

Stan is amazing and going to stop on the way home to get stuff that I need or want and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

 I gotta for play with my phone now....

I also need to help my mom and hold her puppy while she takes scissors to the hair on her back legs and tail to try and get some of her cleaned up a little bit.

Friday, March 9, 2018

friday march 8, 2018 --- WE LEAVE FOR KY TOMORROW

Friday March 9, 2018

sooooo today is the last day before the vacation starts!!!
and i am really excited an am having a better time with my anxiety with my new medications!
i'm hoping the feeling last when i am actually in kentucky and away from home. when i go places away from home.. i feel unsafe because im away from my "safe zone places"
I know the people we are spending out time with are good, wonderful people. I KNOW this, but my anxious paranoid brain is still scared of what might happen. and I wont have anywhere to run to get away because I am in a strange place.
I am hoping the medicine will make this better. but I dont know... I have never been through this with medication before.

I have back two bags. one for shorts pants dresses socks undies ect.
the short probably wont be used but they are just incase. And I have gym shorts for around the house and to sleep in.
the other bag is shirts and tank tops and scarves and hats and i need to try to get a sweater or two in there but i think i might just have to carry them and leave them in the car and get them when i think i need them.

i'm taking boots and normal shoes. and cute socks.
i have my make up packed.and all i need to bath an body and health and beauty.
i have a large purse with my books and planner and stuff. and a small purse that i will take in store and stuff .
I have taken my special washi tape and sticky notes and stuff in a small zippered bag so i can do my planner on the road. and my journal.
I'm taking a book stan got me for christmas to read. and a mandala coloring book and my new amazing color pencils.
i've pack up my meds for the whole trip
and i'm taking a vape to use instead of smoking cigarettes. it will be hard but it will be worth it.
yesterday i wrapped and decorate Mamma Joy's gift and it was so much funnnn.

i have to clean up miss lilly's eating place so its nice and my family can feed here while we are gone.

i'm washing stans last minute packing stuff right now. and some of mine. stan will pack tonight.
and he is going by the store for last minute things we might need.
and we will pre load the car as much as we can tonight.

i have a cube of food to eat on the trip that is soft enough for me to eat with my teeth hurting. when we get back i have an appointment on march 26 to see the dentist.

an on march 28 i see my psychiatrist again... and i hope he will get me with a psychologist or a therapist soon. like really really soon.

i'm gonna go do some last minute stuff and then relax a bit.

I slept last night! i went to bed really early and slept ALL through the night i didnt even wake up to go pee! and miss Lilly woke me up rubbing on my face asking for breakfast... so adorable

i havent typed on a real key board in a long time and i can definitely tell that i am out of practice lol

i will try to update every few days while we are on our trip but i make no promises , because i have no idea how busy i will be. =)

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Feb 28th 2018

So... I have some really good news!
Today was my psychiatrist appointment (in Birmingham... Ugh so far away) and it went really well.
I only had a little anxiety attack when we got to the building.
I was a little uneasy while getting dressed but it was surprisingly easy today. Like. I dunno how i did it. It was some kind of magical thing.

My new psychiatrist is very nice and kind and understanding. He listened to me and took my anxiety seriously. He didn't be little or dismiss my issues. It was amazing to be treated like a human being for once.

After it was over (and it only lasted 30 mins or so) we went to IHOP again lol. And I got pancakes and an omelet.... It was so good.
Victory pancakes!

We came back to tuscaloosa and dropped of my new prescription at the pharmacy. And apparently there was an issue with one of the pills but the pharm tech called the psych and they worked it out.

So we came home and I took a nap with stan until he had to go to work.
He pretty much took a half day off To take me to the doctor.

The rest of the day was pretty good.
Stan got chinese on the way home. And he got me Orange chicken. And corn nuggets.

We watched an episode of "orange is the new black" and now i am so here blogging and falling asleep.

So I start my new meds tomorrow. 😊😊😊😊
I gotta go to sleep now. I'm sooo tired.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

thursday feb 22, 2018

So. Let's just get it out of the way.
Yesterday was horrible. We have been officially legit told that if I want to get mental health care and not be waiting 2-5 months (at a minimum), I need to go out of town.
So... We got a referral to a place in Birmingham and I have to be there next Wednesday at 7am in the morning.. Which means leaving the house at..... 5:30am? and getting up at 3:30am????? yeah i am not happy about this.. but i think they are opening early to see me because 7am is really early so i am going to suck it up and accept it because maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. and i if they are infact opening early to see me i REALLY REALLY fucking appreciate them doing this for me? like the dude at the normal medical doc clinic must have pulled some strings really hard. ???? maybe i dont know.

which brings me to this next ordeal--

And I have to have Stan drive me, which makes me feel like a ridiculously selfish piece of shit. because i cannot drive myself to places like that..even if i had been there and knew how to get there the anxiety of having an appointment is so distracting that i am scared shitless to drive on the interstate because... i wont be able to focus and drive as good as i could and its a scary interstate thing and the city of birmingham has to be navigated and omfg just no no no no.
do not want

so other than that... in retrospect-- the thing that really upset me and makes me want to give up on getting help is.... I had a legit panic attack in front of the doctor and he was like "no anxiety meds for you. nope. nada." so I am thinking I might never get relief in that way and it makes me honestly want to quit life???? i dont mean die... not die but just comatose in bed just hook me up to fluids and stuff i am done. dissociate from reality forever. giving up, pretty much.

Like I have done this anxiety thing for so long and I am tired of being denied the things that would improve my quality of life. that crap has to stop. go through doctors until i find one that is willing to help me.

like i know these things exist and are right there but i cant have them because of doctors. and these things would improve my quality of life.

like what kind of ass backward fucked up world are we living in.
that just because SOME people abuse medicine for anxiety -- i am there for denied it entirely. when it is the very thing i actually need.

like thank you have a nice day.
and go live in crippling anxiety hell for the rest of your life. Its cool, all the cool kids are doing it. Its hip.


but i guess since we've already extended our search for help to include birmingham i can look up all the clinics and doctors in birmingham and see what places are open and taking new patients. because if we are driving that far for this anyway.... we might as well have an idea of who else might work besides the one psych doc that we were referred to (incase his stupid ass refuses to treat my anxiety like a valid thing. like i feel like i'm being dismissed and belittled by these people who see me have a panic attack and still refuse to do nothing for me when ITS THEIR DAMN JOB TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME)

and anyways... ALSOOOOOO because apparently the options in a city like birmingham are ridiculously good. so if we are gonna go ... lets go big? like.. if we have to drive that far lets just do the damn thing. what if i found like, THE PERFECT psychiatrist for me and my needs in birmingham... and i would have never even known they existed until we did this????

we have been told straight up that tuscaloosa is the shittiest place for mental health care ever. and its true. its absolutely true.

the other thing that we gotta figure out is-- i need a therapist. and this therapist needs to communicate with the psychiatrist. A LOT.
so we have that long distance hurdle because im pretty sure most psychiatrist are gonna have therapist they recommend and i'm pretty sure they'd be in birmingham. and the thing is that IF you dont go to the therapist regularly to work shit out.... it DOESNT GET WORKED OUT. so driving to birmingham every other week for the rest of my life.... yeah i dont even know... whatever

ok so i have tried to make a blog post that wont make my husband upset but i dont know if i have done it. i will find out when he reads it and tells me to take it down. lol

i have finished most of my things i wanted to do today so i think i might actually play pokemon or something.... idk.. i started the day so early it feels like it should be 6pm but its only 3:30...

uh anyway thats all for now. idk how long this blog post will be here... before i am forced to take it down but... thats whats happening right now... and next week.
(oh i didnt mention the thing on saturday but i guess i can make another entry about that???? idk)

Sunday, February 18, 2018

SUNDAYYYY (its actually very not sunny today teehee)

we were going to go see the "Black Panther" movie but the theatre was so so so so packed!
there was a line out into the street!!! at lunch on a sunday!
We are going to go another day and see it for sure, but it was kind of a big bummer that we couldn't see it today. we'd be in line waiting for ever. and to be honest i dont really like it when the theatre is so full of people, it makes me nervous and idk.. anyway

so this week we are trying something different.. and going to the normal health stuff faculty and staff clinic (i can go there because of marriage insurance etc etc)
and see if they can refer me to the associated psych clinic and get me flagged as "urgent" or something???
because this shit is bananas. lolol

like i had an anxiety attack at lunch today ... and i have no idea what triggered it.
like.. usually i have some kind of idea but nope. no. nothing this time.
it makes me scared because Stan is my rock. he is my safe place when i go out in public and if .... if that safe feeling goes away i dont... know what i will do.
i dont think its anything stan has done. i'm positive its not. he is more caring and helpful than ever when it comes to my problems. i am so blessed.
but maybe something is getting worse?
i could make a list of things that are making me anxious-- like stuff thats going to happen.
and then stuff that i get anxious about as the day goes on
and maybe try and see if theres something new or different???
i dont know... that would only work if i had something from past  feels to compare the current list to. haha

i hope to get an eye exam soon. my vision is getting worse and worse... i am noticing it getting worse which is weird and new because i never did before.. but i guess thats what happens when you get old. LMAO

i need to go back to the dentist and get these two cavities taken care of but soooooo much is going on i have no idea when we can do anything... it sucks...and we dont have money to do it all at once.. evem though we really really need to.
i wish a magical fairy god parent would appear and give us money so we could get the things done that we need to do. like nothing frivolous but... actual THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE THINGS.
but everybody wishes that, dont they? lol ahhh... oh well😉😉😉

ok.. whatever. lol

stan is sleeping right now and i hope he is able to sleep tonight because... he works tomorrow and i'm afraid he might end up staying up all night because he slept all afternoon and evening.

i gotta goooo.... i am gonna try to update this blog and my instagram more often
maybe doing that will cheer me up!!!!! (lol fat chance haha)

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Description of my anxiety disorder.


I have moments that I feel ok. Maybe. and then I remember everything that has happened . Is happening . Will happen soon and I get… I just can’t.. I don’t know.

The mask I wear can only stay up for so long before it starts to break.

I have to have days off from living life and social stuff and….

Every. Single. Thing. Makes. Me. Anxious. I can’t. Turn. It off or down a notch.

It’s like music.. Background music playing all the time…. And some unknown being out there holds the remote volume control. And they change it all. The. Time.

Sometimes it’s loud. Really loud.. cannot think at all. cannot do anything until it stops.

And sometimes it’s so soft I almost forget it’s there. But I get anxious about this peaceful feeling because I know....
I KNOW  IT comes back. And in waves. And bad. Off and on all day.

And then there’s the actual acute anxiety attacks that just…. Its like the music is at full blast and I have no hands with which to cover my ears. I cannot make it stop. I have to try and not lose my mind until it goes back softer…

And then when a lot of stuff happens in my life.. back to back. I end up absolutely batshit crazy at the end of everything when it's petered out... and I cannot function. I have to crash. For a day. Or days. Like. I have to detoxify myself from the bad thoughts/feels I had to endure/keep to myself for days because there WAS no buffer time between things happening to sort it all out. And tbh, we are even lucky if I make it through everything in the first damn place.

I’m sorry about posting this..... I’m not well. Physically and mentally. Right now. And I haven’t slept tonight and it's 8am.

but really::: I had been searching for a good way to describe my anxiety….. Because I have generalized&social anxiety. Also OCD. (which is an anxiety disorder actually, if you did not know)

I get anxious about tiny little things That other people don’t even think about. Like ridiculous things. I get anxious over taking a shower. Putting on make up. Laundry. Dishes. House cleaning. PHONE CALLS AND ANSWERING THE PHONE LIKE SERIOUSLY I CANNOT DO IT. (i suck it up and sob through calling doctors trying to get appointments for mental health care... Because I have to... But if my phone rings and I so don't know the number??? Oh hell no. No way. No how. I. Don't care who. It could be I do not do it. Voicemail. Please leave me a voicemail if you call me. I probably do want to talk to you but I am scared to answer the phone!)

. I shake the whole time I do my makeup. Get dressed. So most anything..... Like seriously.... I shake. All. The. Time.
I am not exaggerating this- my husband, Stan, sees it. And it's actually happening. I'm not psyching myself out and imagining it... I tremble with anxiety almost every second I am awake and focused on anything. Because I start thinking. And thinking automatically goes to "what ifs"...

Hell I get anxious JUST LEAVING MY BEDROOM. because who knows what is outside that door. I sure don't.

I don’t know why. It just happens and I sit here unable to do the things I need to do. Like.. I’m talking about general everyday basic self care and house work stuff. Like I get so Worked up about what if this or that happens?

What if the other thing happens?

What if they both happen at once?

What if neither of them happen at all and I am just a fool?

Now let’s get really fun with this. Add the social aspect.

What if someone you personally know saw the thing happen? What if they thought it was bad and your fault? What if they blame you? What if they get confused entirely and imagine the worst possible thing….. (Like I do here?)

Or…. What if it’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all? What would they assume? Idk. Maybe this. Maybe that.. Maybe a little of this and that.

And they have no basis for their assumptions and you have no control over it AT ALL.
THEY ARE MAKING OPINIONS OF YOU. PROBABLY BAD ONES. AND YOU CANT EVEN EXPLAIN YOURSELF. NOR DO THEY KNOW YOU EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT TO KNOW THAT YOU Are most likely harmless or innocent of whatever it might have been in this theoretical…. Cluster fuck of anxiety I’m trying to some how detangle So MAYBE people in the world can understand people like me a little better???

I really really really hope someone– atleast one person– Who reads this is comforted to know that they are not alone. I’m trying to find different  ways to explain to the “normal” people what it’s like….

And if I am putting your feels into words in a way that helps you, please feel free to use this example With the background music thing. I know I'm not the first person to think of it. I can't be.

This was my first try at this…. I hope I have not upset or offended anyone by posting this here. I just wanted to express myself. And try and find ways that maybe people who struggle.. Like me.. Can all use to describe what we experience… To the people who know and love us… And don’t understand exactly what is going on. 😔😔😔


Thursday, February 8, 2018

more waiting and waiting..

so i had a back up appointment on thursday feb 1st with indian rivers and i was sick.. like idek what was wrong. but i was not ok.

so i rescheduled for feb 13.
so i have to take my lamictal once a day instead of two which really doesnt do anything honestly.

i am starting to think the meds they have me on arent doing anything at all.

i dont even think my prozac is helping my depression
they keep saying bipolar depression is different
well, i'd like to know it is different. how. tell me,

is it simply that treating it with antidepressants causes mania? well just address that when it happens atleast let us bipolar depressed people drag ourselves out of the gutter trash on the side of the road before you slam us down with a mood stabilizer which... by all intents and purposes.. makes you dull, slower, and FAT. i am already fat, if they make me gain weight with medicine i will lose my god damn mind.
i need to make sure these new people. WHENEVER I GET TO SEE THEM... know that

but yeah, i am self medicating right now because i cannot get out of bed if i dont... i cannot do it. there is nothing .
i have nothing
i get up because i want to see stan off to work and i see him when he gets home but i'm not lovely lovely lovely.

and then he goes to sleep

nothing else is going on... he is the highlight of my day. he is the only thing i have other than lilly. and my online stuff i do to try and stay sane. and pokemon. and my planner
i dont have anything else.

and i know the self medicating only lasts for a day or two but thats a day or two out of bed talking to people like a normal person. breathing fresh air. walking. instead of laying.
so fuck it man

i'm not exactly sad... i'm empty
this great yawning chasm in my chest. empty.
there is nothing,
i am filling it with food.
mountains and mountains of food
 and i am getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter
and its gonna makes me hate myself more
and make me want to leave the house less and less
and make me want to see people less and less

like i have to either stop eating or commit to being fat and hate myself every single second i'm awake.. which is WHY I AM SLEEPING

i know they say exercise is all wooohoo change your life but i am not gonna run around here on the road because i am afraid and i cant go to the gym because im fat and the gym costs money and
i have never really worked out at all and i dont think i will ever actually get into it. its just.. something i have never took a liking to.

random things:

Sagen got me, by far, the best washi tape i have ever had. and i am sad i wont get to see her again for..... months? a year?

but because i'm horrible i have to deal with the consequences of being horrible.

in march we are supposed to go to KY, which is .. or should be something to look foreward to. it would be
but i am still waiting on the damn doctors to see me.
and knowing my luck they will want to see me the very exact time we are going to be in KY and i can't even... the anxiety i am feeling about this is insane.
like i wait and wait and wait.... and get told i have to wait some more...  and then told to wait some more.......
and then i have to maybe not even get an appointment until march or april???

i can't even...
like what is this shit
and i feel selfish for saying i would keep an appointment with a doctor over visiting family

like really really really really really really selfish
and i think i would probably ask if they can move it to another week/day?????? i dont know how flexible stan's work is with this and... i am free all the time so really i am THE one that has to give and make it work.

i havent blogged in a while.. and last time i did i think i did it on my phone but typing has been very very soothing to me right now i can kind of just space out and put thoughts to text without really thinking... its takes so so so so so much less effort to type on a computer than on a touch screen phone. i fucking hate the phones they make us have

anyways i am just sitting here stewing. until the 13th.
and after that i will sit here and stew until march.
and i will either have an appointment with a new psychiatrist
and a hopefully a therapist
or i will go to Kentucky
or both????
if the world doesnt fuck me over

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Trying to look forward to therapy

This is the binder trapper keeper thing I am *PLANNING ON USING* for therapy..... Whenever I finally get to have therapy.
I super glued the puffy stickers to the front of the binder. That i covered in decorative duct tape, lol.
Some of the puffy stickers have googly eyes teehee
The "dashboard" of the planner is scrapbook stickers that were gifts from people
and the kawaii stickers I bought like, two years ago. And never used for all this time but thought maybe this is a good thing to use them for.
Like I said... Not feeling very positive about this.. Whole trying to get help thing.
These mental health clinics are really really disappointing. Like. It's disheartening and making me want to give up. Nobody is answering phones. I have to leave messages on machines. And they never, ever call back. Ever.
And we call again.
And get machine again.
And they don't call back again.
So we call again.
.... And so on. So forth.
I have been keeping a log of who and where I call. When I call. If I get a person or a machine. If I left a nice message or a snarky one (because they are so so so upsetting)
Etc etc.
I have 9 pages of notes from calling people.
We started on Jan 3.
Nothing has happened all this time except for one place took my info and told me it would probably be March before they can see me.
Which is... Really upsetting but they a atleast listened to me and took notes and seemed to give a care even though they don't think they can help right now. I felt better after talking to them anyway.
I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. House cleaning and upkeep and just... Trying to get things sorted now that kami-con is over.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Jan 24 2018....

I have been neglecting this blog wayyyy too much.

So here's the run down.
We have been calling for three weeks every few days.... To two different mental health care places.
We have gotten little to no information. And ZERO returned phone calls after being told they would call us back.
I am literally disgusted with these places and I have never even been to either of them.
Hell, even if they did take me as a patient I'm not sure I could emotionally and mentally handle. It after all this shit. It's fucking traumatizing and it's fucking wrong.

I am calling today (it's Wednesday) and Stan is going to call
One of the places wont even LET stan make my appointment for me which is really really frustrating because I do not call and do these things I am scared shit less of phone calls. But nope lets make the girl with anxiety do a thing she fears doing just to even TRY and get help for before mentioned anxiety.... Just fml. That's a big fat FML.

So we are waiting.

But something good happened!
Last weekend Stan's father and stepmother came to Alabama and we had a really really amazing dinner with them Friday night.
I dressed like a lady and it made me feel better about myself. But not quite good enough... Never good enough.
I was overwhelmed with the kindness of his father and stepmother. It was so much more than ever before and I did not expect it at all.
It was completely not... Even... I had no idea. I was expecting bad vibes and feels.
It was surreal in a way.

I ate three times the amount I should have in Friday night.
And on Saturday.... Unfortunately Stan's stepmother could not have lunch or dinner with us because her reflux and sick feels. Maybe it was really really bad. Like I know how much reflux hurts, trust me... So. I am not passing judgment on her at all. I just hope I get to see her this March and I hope I am in a better place mentally.... But if I can't get a new psych doc and a therapist I don't really forsee that happening anytime soon.

I'm editing this and posting and leaving out the nonos lolol

It's Wednesday evening ...
Today we called everywhere possible and got nothing. We called the places we tried first... And the other places.  and we've been either turned down because of one thing or another.. Or just they just don't acknowledge that we even called at all.

I feel like i am fighting for my life to get this help that I need.
And in a way I am.
I really am.
But i'mma fight it. Cause I know my nana would want me to fight like hell and never give up.

And that's what I'm gonna do. Damn it. 😎😎😎😎

Friday, January 12, 2018

its midnight jan 13, 2018

I have been sick for two days or so, and I got stan sick too (i feel really bad. i dont want him to be sick... because being sick with stuff that affects his voice is very very very very very very bad for his job and i am always afraid that he is going to get on trouble because he cant do something and it will be my fault.)
anyways. its been really bad. my brother was sick first and then i got sick and then stan got sick.
we were going to go to the clinic thing but there was no way to go today (yesterday. friday)
and for what its worth the fever i had for about a day a half has went away and i feel a lot better.
my normal body temp is in the 97s. and i was up to 100.4 at one point so that was a lot for me. like just take what a normal person would get a add a degree for me and because thats what my body is doing and feeling. my base temp is not 98.6, its approx a degree lower... so when i have a temp of 98.7+ i am actually on the edge of a low grade fever and getting over 100 is bad news.

i have been coughing up green wads of hardened mucus that has apparently been coating my lungs for a while... i suspect the nasty stuff was from the time i was a while back and i never coughed it up and it just ..... stayed there? and now its hard and lumpy and looks like dark green crusty but squishy boogers. this stuff like... you know how people say "projectile vomit"? i am "projectile coughing" this stuff...for example, i didnt get my hand over my mouth in time earlier and a big glob of dark green mucus booger landed on the screen of my phone earlier.
like.... i cant make this shit up. it was so disgusting but also really really funny????
i am glad i feel better though. it seemed to have peaked today at some point. or maybe the night before last? i dont know i cant even remember how much time has passed i dont know lol

oh and yeah-----we have called the next option for my mental health care and left a message but they haven't called back. and monday is  holiday so stan is going to call on tuesday and see what has happened, if they haven't called by the time he decides to call.

and in the mean time ---  i am going to have to call the OTHER place back on tuesday..  the place I was referred to when the first place said i was too batshit.... and they told stan that he cant make my appointments for me because i'm an adult (lol i guess they dont gaf if you have severe anxiety, which is one of the things they are supposed to be treating in the first place), so i called and was nasty with them. and they told us it would be a week before they even checked if i was on his insurance. so i'm pretty sure they aren't even trying to get things done for me and i have to call and bitch at them. and i will bitch at them. and i will tell them why i am bitching at them.

we were going to try and FINALLY have a late christmas double date day with our friends alex and sagen but we got sick and now we cant do it.
so tomorrow we will lay around here aimlessly
i will start laundry a day early because we need to wash two loads this time.
and we will go to the store on sunday ... for like.. idk.. 2 or 3 things?

this NEXT weekend Stan's dad and step mom are coming down here and i am scared to death and i dont know what to do about it.
we need to have a photo of us taken and printed at walmart to put in a frame that my dad made that we are giving to them... because the photo he picked out and showed me.... well lets just say i wanted to jump in front of a bus when i saw what i looked like.
i cant even.... knowing that that is how people see me when i go places? i cant handle that. at all. i dont want to go anywhere. people are looking at me and that is what the see and i cant stop it and i cant handle it and i makes me want to vomit and slice my fatty skin off. because i also got on the scale today and my weight was really high and i lost. my. fucking. mind. like.... lost it.

like i wanted to hurt myself
im just not gonna eat for a while
not really
i dont know
fuck life
i will eat my frozen yogurt and pudding and animal crackers and pretzels and idk
i just cant.... i dont know..

i have to find a way to get a good picture with stan before next friday and i also have to lose 10 lbs
neither are going to happen and i literally feel like shutting down. stop living. not get out of bed. call in sick on life for the next week
and after this is Kami-con and I am going to be a fat ass piece of shit and hate myself the whole time but i am going to go anyway and i just have to do it. i probably wont even have fun. i dont know why i wanted to go. i thought people i know would be going but nobody is and now and there is nothing to do there but try and pokemon battle.
there's vendors and stuff to buy but we cant even spend any money so we cant do that either.
and its a lot of walking and stan is going to be miserable and he would take his medicine for that but then he cant drive and we cant afford a hotel saturday night because its so fucking expensive and i knew it was going to be but hwsldghvaolkbgouachgouarjkfhgouah

and i am crying and want to die now so im posting this and yeah i dont care if he gets mad at me for posting it. fuck it

Friday, January 5, 2018



(edit / note: I Started this post on Wednesday.. Lol. It's Fri morning now lol)
(edit #2:  its 10am on friday and this entire entry is almost completely useless by now but i'm gonna post it anyway. but have the most recent events of whats going on right here ate the top.. i guess.)
(edit #3: i did not proof read this so im sorry for the auto correct and typos and idek, i dont care anymore about anything right now)

ok so... its friday mid morning.
 short recap- first new clinic place cannot handle my case because its too complex. we were referred to a different place- and that new new place... that place will not let stan make my appointments for me. (big flashing warning sign here-- they are supposed to be treating people with thing like anxiety.. and they are asking an new patient calling in to do sometimes that causes severe anxiety for a lot of people. like wtf is that... that is not even. they are reall inconsiderate and dropping the ball before the game even starts ok)

so on thursday.... i have to do the call myself and that has made me want to kill them all before i've even met them.
and so i call and get their automated answering machine a few times... eventually get a real person and leave a message and she says she will get back with me with my appointment time after they verify if the insurance info i provided is actually legit.
but they never call.
now its friday. i call in the morning and get the answering machine again. leave a very pissed off message (but did include all info they asked for)
stan called them after i did and got a person and they told him it will take a god damn WEEK or more for them to even call and merely CHECK if my name is on his insurance policy.
and then we find out from a friend that they tried to use this same clinic and have gotten treated like shit too.

so now we are fucking pissed.
piiiiiiiiiiissed. outraged. livid.
so we call back the first place (because they wanted to know how things went, because they surprisingly kind of cared???? and we are waiting to hear from them to see if they have any ideas on where else i can go???)
and so i thought about it, and i told stan that maybe we could look around for private practice psych places that accept our insurance and i will just have to handle the fact that its not full therapy in same practice/building/etc??? that i'd have to get therapy somewhere else? and just see this place for meds? and also i have to accept the fact that i will probably have to see a male doctor which upsets me but i cannot fucking even care at this point. at all.

so that is what is happening so far.. and Stan is busy as hell and has had a  horrible day at work already and its not even 11am. AND he has to go out of town to do a new story thing today.
and then we might get pizza tonight so that is even more he has to do. and tomorrow we were gonna go out but i dont know if i even want to. i dont really want to. and idk. just whatever

i was really really fucking sick last night and vomited up a stomach full of acid reflux stuff and i had hell trying to sleep and this morning i am barely awake but i have to be, because of all this nonsense. and i will probably need to start laundry today if i went to get it all done this weekend.

i am trying to stay awake... it just now 11am on friday...

the rest of this entry is from early/mid week and on... id ont even know what i said in it anymore and i dont really care right now.


So... The first half of this week has been complete chaos.
Monday was the bowl game for Alabama football shit. I don't really do the fanatic football fan thing.. So for me it was just a day of good food, because Stan made chicken nugget things..... They were crazy good. Like I wanted to eat so much but I couldn't do it lol.

Aaaaaaaand Tuesday..... Ughhh.
I got up at 6am? I don't remember now. But my appointment was at 10am.
I spent all morning panicking and stalled out a few times. I dissociated and shut down and I did the opposite (where you talk gibberish when you're nervous) .
But... Anyways.
We got there and met this lady and she told me almost immediately that my mental health case is over their heads... Because I need long term therapy and counseling and etc etc. This is a  Lifelong thing.
She did clarify a few things. I am definitely bipolar. I have OCD (i was unsure about this but apparently my planning and micro managing my life etc etc... Idek.).. And. Social anxiety... Agoraphobia. She understood the eating disorder cycle of restricting for a while and losing weight. Then the binge period and the back and forth... And never having a normal in the middle Relationship with food.
So... Idk. We talked to her because we had the appointment and I needed to have human interaction. And she at least knew and knows what I was talking about.

So anyway... We have been referred to another place that is supposed to have better long term care for people like me.
And we called them. And they can't see me until FEBRUARY. So that.... Is shitty. And there's nothing I can do about it. But wait. More. Again. Longer.

I didn't sleep the night after the Tues appointment.... And Wednesday hardly at all

And so, Hopefully but can say that I already I had another. An opportunity happointment....

I have to go to the With dreaded Indian Rivers that I have been going to for 7 years or so? Just this one last time... To get enough meds to get me through to the NEW NEW NEXT PLACE I GOTTA GO.

I did that. And... Idk. I have weird feelings about the whole thing.

I just know I have to wait long. longer.... Which is extremely upsetting. But out of our control. Which really just makes me feel even worse because I hate not having control. Over most. Stuff. Idk.

So... I am trying to plan out my January.
I need to go see my friends Julie and Jess. And I also need to see April. And I need to visit mawmaw at aunt Debra and uncle Steven's because this might be the last year we have with her.

And. I already lost one grandma... I don't know how I will handle this. I am not as close to mawmaw as I was my nana... Mawmaw has so many grandchildren (from the 7 kids she had.. They all had kids. And those kids are starting to have their own kids.... So.. Chaos!)
 it was hard to find time among everyone to get close to her. I did have a lot in common with her with arts and crafts and such.


Stan's father and step mom are going to visit us here In alabama. So that's something to plan and look ahead to. It should be the 19-21st that they are here.
We plan or are trying to plan a big group meal at some point.... with his father, step mom, my mom and dad. And us.

So there's all that.... Pretty sure I'm probably gonna be batshit crazy.

Aaaaand the NEXT WEEKEND.... is Kami-con in Birmingham at the BJCC.
Which... Kami-con has gotten huuuuuuuuge since i last went I'm 2012 (I think it was 2012..not sure)
and it was at the UA... They moved it to Birmingham and... Upped their... Everything? Lol
(Edit on 2/5) more stuff happened before I could finish and post

So this place I got referred to will not let stan call and make appointments for me. So..... Needless to say I called the damn place. I gave them my necessary info and they were supposed to call me back that same day.. But if the secretary lady is running late.... I guess I will Have  To call Tomorrow (today... Its Friday now and I am still working on this same blog post)
f this see the top and read back through idk.

soooo... this is a busy week

this week we are cleaning up the house because on SATURDAY we are having a crawfish boil here at the house. Lots of cleaning to do!!!! ...