Sunday, July 15, 2018

random photo post

halfway done with my book for therapy! 

look at my baby girl! she's a princess (and she sheds reallllllllly bad)

this is my dad's current woodshop project~!

Friday, July 13, 2018

I apologize for my last update

I was in a really bad mood and should have put of updating until now/

I'm on chapter nine of my book for my psychologist. but it has 23 chapters. HOWEVER the chapters are really short and easy to handle because of the way its written so i think i might actually finish most of it by monday at 9am (IF I READ INT HE CAR ON THE WAY HAHA)

that being said, i haven't played video games AT ALL today
which is kind of... i dunno. weird?

i did the dishes today and hurt my back some more so i haven't done anything but lay here and read since then, though i do have to say that because i took super strong ibuprofen my back DID hurt less what I did stuff. I just dont want to have to take it every day. my blood is already thinned out by my psych meds, and it takes a while for me to stop bleeding

we are having pizza tonight and i have asked for something that has no tomato sauce stuff because i have constant heartburn pretty much and that makes it SO MUCH WORSE
you know, despite being delicious i just... i can't eat it hardly at all

I hope it rains
but not a ton

I'm gonna play games or read until Stan gets home


I guess I will update

since everybody keeps checking my blog for updates *rolls eyes*

I just got my book for therapy yesterday and I have to try and read the whole thing before Monday and I just know I Can't do it.
but I will try

and plus if I speed read it I wont remember or get anything out of it. Which is counter productive

I'm going through caffeine withdrawal right now


lets see

we can't get a gym membership because its too expensive so i'm going to be a fucking fat ass piece of shit for the rest of my life

lets see whatelse
nope that's about it

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

well, the search for new medicine is on

the newest medicine they put me on is NOT FOR ME.

the side effects include:
rexulti side effects include, heart burn, headache, indigestion, stomach discomfort/nausea/pain, muscle aches, sleepiness and restlessness

so that is why I have felt like absolute CRAP lately. I have had EVERY ONE OF THESE SYMPTOMS.
Including my random vomiting from indigestion. It's been so bad that we have joked about taking out stock in Pepto. because I go through a few bottles a week (or I was)

so I have quit taking the new medicine but I haven't told my Psychiatrist yet. I think I will call him today, but that means he will want to see me ASAP and I am NOT going to go in despite what they want because I have an appointment on the 16th (with both doctors)

There's a book my Psychologist wants me to read and we ordered it on Amazon and I hope it gets here on friday like Stan said it would because I need to start reading it before my next appointment. and there isn't much time for me to do that. lol
he said the first few chapter will probably sound like gibberish to me but he doesn't know how intelligent I really am. or maybe he does, and maybe it really will sounds like gibberish to me.

I've been spending a lot of time in the living room which is kind of weird but its better than me hiding in my room all day.
I've been journaling a lot and I feel like that's been good for me. I got a new pen that looking like a kitty so that makes it even more fun.

i'm gonna stop writing now.


Saturday, July 7, 2018

it's been nice the past day or two

My mom and dad went out of town for the past two days to celebrate my dad's birthday.

i've been able to sit in the livingroom and watch whatever I want on tv which was great until I accidentally messed up the TV set up in here and can't get to the direct tv now app lol

a REALLY REALLY bad storm his tuscaloosa yesterday lots of flooding and trees down
it missed us at the house but cause the University of Alabama a lot of trouble.

mom and dad are coming home today and we MIGHT go out to eat but i dunno. i'm feelng really depressed and i have no desire to get ready and leave the house.

i have gained so much weight i dread showering or getting dressed. i dread any and all social situations.
 i just dont want anybody to see me the way i look now.

i feel like i might relapse on my eating disorder which is going to just make my life even more complicated. my psychologist is already overwhelmed with my other problems. i dont know what he will do if this happens on top of that. i know there's an eating disorder specialist at the OTHER clinic this company runs but i cant go there AND here. and id ont know if i can switch over without starting all over again with a psychiatrist.

I guess i will just have to wait and see what happens

I am gonna stop trying to explain myself now. it doesnt matter.

i'm watching some old school tv show on antenna its so funny haha

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

happy 4th of july

not much to say today

i need to wash some clothes
and lay off the coffee

i have recently come to terms that i am lactose intolerant

i also cannot eat anything with tomato sauce because it hurts me

so my diet is going to be changing to reflect these needs to keep me from feeling nauseated and sick all the time

my chromebook crashes everytime i load the facebook home page on the computer that I use (chromebook)

so i will not be going on there on here. just my phone. which is no fun because i cannot time worth a flying poop on my phone.

trying to switch to vaping instead of smoking is HARD YALL

i've been writing in my journal a lot lately. just a lot of things on my mind

i'm cramping a lot this week because of lady problems

stan and i are TRYING to come to an agreement on our vacation for this fall and not agreeing on anything and its making me sad and upset but there has to be a way that we can do this somehow.
I just dont wanna go on vacation the last week of august because last year that was the week nana went downhill and died.
and yes i am still in the anger part of mourning. haven't gotten to acceptance yet.

i need more lollipop but i dont wanna drive anywhere because the tire on my car is not right. i dunno what is wrong with it... it feels like theres a knot on the tire. but i am unedumacated in these things so i dunno what it is.

mom is going to fayette for avon and to see pawpaw. he fell down yesterday and we think he might be hurt and just not telling anybody.

i am gonna try to be happy today but i dont know if i can manage it.
but i will try

Monday, July 2, 2018

monday monday monday MEOWDAY

SOOOO today I got up at 5:30am to shave my legs. lol

we were almost late for the appointment. or is seemed like we were going to be, so i called in and told them and then my own psych was a little late so it worked out but my session was shorter than normal. =(

so yeah
Today was my every two week psychologist appointment. and we seem to be spinning our wheels a bit so he gave me a reading assignment and I have to get Stan to buy me the book but from the way my doctor talks it should be really really good book for me to read.

i've been playing STARDEW VALLEY on the nintendo switch a lot. and i really love this games. its like harvest moon but better in a way
i really wanted to get the harvest moon games on the ds/3ds but this is so much easier than that because its free and we dont have to go get it or download it.
well, i say it was free but it came with the switch when we bought it off gordon

my brother is working at Mercedes now and I am really proud of him... he seems to be doing ok so far but i feel like its only a matter of time before he does something wrong or shoot off his mouth and gets fired or in some big trouble. i really hope that doesn't happen but i know my brother and its really likely to happen

i am TRYING TRTING TRYING to quit smoking and it going so bad. i need to get vape juice that is .9mcg instead of .3
that might help a lot
gordon said .9 was too strong but he isnt coming off smoking he just started vaping first so he doesn't have any tolerance to nicotine

on the 16th i have TWO appointments back to back. first my psych for meds and then the therapy with the psychologist
i hope i can have some of that book read before my next appointment.

Friday, June 29, 2018

i know i just updated but

man we had some wicked bad storms yesterday and the power went out for 12 hours.

it got soooo hot i had to sleep in the livingroom on the couch

there's been so many storms this week. I hope everyone that might read this is ok.

In a slightly related note:
I hope everybody reading this knows I can SEE when they visit my blog.
not only that, I can see HOW MANY TIMES they do.
and when the location is, for certain, a place where I know someone.... oh, lets say Kentucky. Just for shits and giggles. I can see how many times a day you check this page.

so maybe i will update more. if you're hoping for more information on horrible little ole me.

hahaha ok anyway
i dont mind you reading this i was trying to make a joke and it didn't turn out right.
the joke was im horrible person etcetc etc etc

we usually eat pizza on fridays but we just had that last night because the power was out (for 12 hours straight btw)
and we asked Stan to bring us dinner. He is so very kind.

so I have no idea what we will eat tonight.

also i am sad because my chromebook is trying to go out on me. it reboots when i try to load three pages at once and it never used to have problems with this. its mostly when i try to load facebook. which makes me sad because thats how i talk to stan and april all day.

I have to pee every 30 mins.
I have a lot of pregnancy sypmtoms but there is no way in HELL i can be pregnant.
I have been vomiting randomly. the smells make me so nauseated I can't stand it... when i try to wash dishes I get sick.
I get food cravings (but i'm trying to blame that on my new medicine)


this new medicine could possibly the reason for a lot of this. I hope. even though these sideaffects aren't listed in the medication info pamplet. and i've read the whole thing just to be sure i know everything.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018


ok so

I havent updated in AGES

so I will talk about the KY trip

we left friday and came back tuesday
we were gonna come back monday but we were too tired (or stan was and he has to drive)
the trip was good. I got to spend a lot of time with my mother in law (one of my favorite people)
stan and i went to his class reunion on saturday
I had to borrow clothes from his mom because the dress i wanted to wear was like three sizes too big and ithought it would be ok but when i put it on again i hated it a lot
so i borrowed a shirt and it looked pretty good
i wish i had dressed up more but stan promised me it was ok

we hung out with stans friend Meg. and we also went to see Tanners new place and get a lot of movies and stuff from him (digital on a hard drive stan has)

I was sick most of the time we were there. Indigestion so bad I was vomiting. NOT FUN
but i managed to stay in moderately good spirits
or i tried to

stans mom gave us some dog treats for the babies and they love them
Little Bear was adorable... i am definitely going to get a Shih-Tzu when we get our own place
(stan is getting a dog he wants and i'm getting one i like)

it rained a LOOOOOT while we were on vacation and on the way back it did too

I have an appointment on July 2nd with my head shrinker (lol mr. finger)

we are back home and its so HOT
heat advisory and everything

my dad is making some different wall plaques and they look so good! i am so proud of my dad with all his work

I am ALMOST finished with Pokemon Ultra Sun the second time lol

tonight mom is staying with pawpaw which is good because he gets lonely
and dad too i think

stan and i are alone with dinner which is fun but i have to get him to get me something i can eat and not have acid reflux really bad

I am so happy right now even though I feel sick almost 24/7

its about to storm so i'm gonna finish this and turn off my computer.
i have a weird fear of my computer getting hit by lightining

I wanna update about everything

But my Chromebook won't. Turn on and I can't type proper. On my. Phone =(

Thursday, June 7, 2018

week of the 4th through the 10th

so the first have of this week has been pretty lax
i've had some weird sleep all day and night moments but I feel okay emotionally and mentally so I am not too worried about it

today i had a lot of chores to do so i am feeling very productive and i thought i would continue that feeling by blogging today

tomorrow i have to get everything ready for saturday
because saturday is the AP awards and I am going with Stan and I am excited
I am wearing my great grandmas dress. i dont care its vintage and i love it i don't care of it's not in style

after that is sunday which is laundry day and stan will need to rest from saturday

next monday i have an appointment with my psychologist/therapist and i need to make sure i write good journal notes on the AP awards banquet because we are trying to build my self esteem so i can function normally as a person

the fact that i am going to wear an old dress and have confidence is a good sign no?

then we have fathers day and i really hope stan talks to his dad and they have a good conversation.
I miss the relationship with Stans dad and them but I cant get it back and there's nothing i can do but just make sure Stan keeps in touch with them and keeps a good relationship with them despite me not being able to be there too. I know how important his Dad is to him and it would break my heart if they stopped talking. I have been really hard on myself about that because of how I understand the bond with  a father figure (i'm really close with my dad too)

I dunno.

lots of mixed feelings and sad and good and excited.

but i guess thats what normal life feels like, isn't it?
i will find out one day.
i hope

Friday, June 1, 2018

Post crawfish boil post

So at the boil I was ok for the most part... But my anxiety meds made me feel like I was falling asleep. So that on top.of feeling left out because i couldnt drink... or chose not to because its the right thing to do for my health.

I just went to to bed so that's sad...Because I missed out on all the games and cards games and stuff.

booo lol its ok i chose to sleep

on thursday we had to go to birmingham for my psychologist appointment and he said i am working on a lot of stuff and he seems pleased with my progress or atleast my attempts and things to get better. we have really good discussions and the cognitive therapy is really good for me.

this weekend we are going out with two friends to the movies well, they're a couple. so it's a double date. which is fun. we are seeing the movie Solo.

stan and i also have two other movies to see soon. but its gonna have to wait because next weekend is an awards banquet we are going to. and the next is fathers day. and the next we will be going to KY for stan's class reunion (I am really excited about this and I get to see Stan's mom which is the best thing EVER. I love her so much)

I am going to wear my great grandmas dress to the awards banquet !!!!

and a dress from my mom to the reunion

I am excited. i think i'm gonna wear red shoes with the dress to the reunion because i can wear any color with the dress and i think red shoes would really "POP"

its supposed to storm today!

i'm gonna goahead and publish this now.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

soooo... this is a busy week

this week we are cleaning up the house because on SATURDAY we are having a crawfish boil here at the house.

Lots of cleaning to do!!!!

Also today my dad drove my husband to the airport. i went with them so i could see him off because you never know when you fly it could be the last time... i know thats morbid but idk. he went with the news team to get a really cool award. like apparently this is a huge deal. I am very excited for him and the station and proud too.
we got stuck in a construction road work area for almost 30 minutes while taking Stan to the airport... that was really really unnerving. very not cool. but we made it and he got there and arrived safely and i just talked to him and he is ok. and celebrating or what not. hahaha.

We had a really big scare with some billing that the oral surgeon sent out but apparently its... i dont know how to explain it but its not the real bill we have to pay. thank God. I was so upset. I was so upset I couldn't even cry hardly. like... I was mad at myself for needing surgery and I still am and I know I dont deserve it. But My husband loves me and.... ok I'm gonna cry now I can't think about this.

long story short-- the bill was not legit and we will pay less.

we have to clean up the house a bit more before the weekend

also refill my meds

i'm trying to get everybody who plays an instrument to bring theirs so we can have a jam session
but i dont think that is gonna happen lol

I have something I wanna do for Stan's birthday but its probably gonna get done after his actual birthday
but it will be so very cool.
and yeah.

I also made him a new tigers eye bracelet

so basically
lots of cleaning
stan in washington DC for two days
refill meds


that's the rest of May... save for my next psychologist/therapist appointment on the 31st.
we are working on my self-esteem and re programming my thinking. its hard and idk how much progress i am making... but i am journaling and trying and i hope i can work things out.

Monday, May 14, 2018

monday isnt even over

and i'm ready for the weekend.
i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet practice to do and i can't do it until weeks from wednesday. no good, guys.

my psychologist appointment was great today. he was chatty and we had a few laughs. but we made some goals and talked about self esteem and self worth. to think i am worth taking care of myself and stuff. I also have to start a second journal to work on some writing prompts with getting my thinking pattern on situations changed.
i'm really gonna try.
atleast he understands the impact of my nana's death on my mental state right now.
he isn't nagging me about getting over the mourning.
which i appreciate, especially from a psychologist.

so after wednesday i wont be able to eat hard solid food. or chewy. or idk. i have no idea what i will be able to eat after my tooth extractions heal. maybe nothing at all.
if i lose weight i will be so happy. so so happy. its like a secret happy thing for me.
i'll be forced to eat less. if at all? yeah

i dont know if i can eat for the crawfish boil but thats ok too

one random note today: i drank a diet coke! i never do that! lol

stan was nice enough to get me IHOP today so i had pancakes... having "last meals" hahah

i love my husband. he has been sick lately with sinus allergy stuff and he wont go to the doctor.... i wish he would. i know its just sinus but it might make it better faster? he cant afford to be sick with his work.

i hope he feels better soon.
i will be a baby after surgery so i dont wanna make him stressed out more with his being sick while i'm a weakling.

i guess i'm gonna play some pokemon now

i practiced clarinet already today.
i will do it tomorrow
after that i dont think i will be able to do it for weeks. or a month. or two idek.

i love my husband.... he makes me laugh and keeps me taken care of and i hope i can take care of him too. i'm trying. i'm really trying.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

this week so far

so for most of the weekend and first of the week we had no internet here at the house lololol


on wedensday i had an oral surgeon consultation appointment where we talked and looked over what we were gonna do when we take my teeth out
it was terrifying but apparently... the insurance i have because of stan is very good and i will be able to get implants so i can eat..... later this year.... one thing at a time
gotta get 4 teeth pulled first


i feel so horrible because i didn't take care of my teeth
and i get mad because i know other people who dont and their teeth arent falling out so its like.... wtf... not fair... it must be genetics i dunno

also on wednesday we went to the last concert my highschool band director is going to direct. he is retiring
or has retired
as of last night
it was amazing and he had the beginning band and middle band and the highschool band all play and then he had people from his past teaching experiences play with the group and it was just amazing

i need to play clarinet more and especially the next few days because after i get my teeth out i dunno how long it will be until i can play again

so next wednesday i am getting my teeth out.

but on next monday i have to see the psychologist
and i dont even know what to expect from that seriously like i've never done this before i've had therapist but not psychologist

i just feel grateful every day that stan is in my life and helping me and im trying to take care of him the best i can

i know you read this and i am sorry for any and alll things that you may have seen or heard or read
but there is nothing i can do about it now, its in the past.

i am trying to be better
a better person
and that's all i can do

Friday, May 4, 2018

today i filled in some holes lol

in the YARD

our dogs love to dig holes in the yard--- i think they are after moles or something under ground

and these holes fill up with leaves and you can tell they are holes and this is dangerous for my husband!!!!!

and other people too... but really dangerous for him

so i am taking my booty outside and shovelling some dirtt today haha

tomorrow we are going to see the INFINITY WAR movie... FINALLLLLLLYYYYY.

I am so excited, we are going early so i need to make sure i shower tonight because I dont wanna have to get up at 5am and start gettng ready... the showing is at 11 and yall know i take forever to get ready for stuff.

my kitty just came and loved on me a lot so i need to go pay attention to her

I just thought i would give an update.

I gotta start cleaning up the house for the crawfish bowl here in a few weeks!!! omggg

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Your intermediate update

So... since the last update. I did NOT do the NEDA walk. it was storming and pouring rain and I was pretty sure that's now a good combo for a walk thing. I don't know if they cancelled it but if they didn't they should have because it was really really stormy

My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?

I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat  at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)

we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"

the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)

I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more

these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff

reguarding the nana thing
 I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah

like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.

like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.

I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief


we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend

my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th

and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.

sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing

and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!

I am really sad right now.

I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.

RIP Nana

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

its april 18

on the 22 i will be walking in a NEDA awareness walk... i raised 25 dollar thanks to my mother in law
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol

just kidding

on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am

after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself

and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war


so freaking excited for this movie!!!!

we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked

so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday

i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall

i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it

Saturday, April 7, 2018

happy birthday to me

so on my birthday i got up and went to hobby lobby with my mom

and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff

and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit

and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!

then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES

after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!

then we went to the mall and I bought two pieces of jewelry from the asian jewelry store and i'm taking them apart and making stuff out of them

then we went to the vape shop and talked to somebody gordon is friends with and explain to him that we are for real brother and sister because he didnt believe it when he saw us separately.

then we went home and i played pokemon until i got ready
and mom took me to the restaurant where stan and i had dinner at the place where we had our first date

and i ate soooo much chicken cheese mushroom and onion quesedilla

and he gave me a love letter he wrote to me
and i read it and cried
and he is so amazing
and i love him
and he is amazing
and i love him
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him

Friday, March 30, 2018

March 30, 2018

So.... Update.
My Meds have been adjusted to "sleepy 24/7" levels but I'm Not manic anymore.
I'm not even sure how I Feel about it.
I'm trying to be more creative,  in general, in life. and also more  attentive to my social Media
This blog included.
I thought I would use the voice to text feature but the little microphone isn't here so. Idek wtf.

Destined to Fail at touchscreen typing for the rest of my days.

We gotta color Easter eggs today or Tomorrow

Stan and I are going to church on Sunday and I'm wearing my old school Granny dress that looks Like it's from the 1950s and I'm Pretty sure it issss from the 50s
So that's cool as hell

I really hope Easter service isn't too long.
Also. Strangely Enough it was Stans idea to go to church. So that was interesting to me.

I Woke up at 2 or 3 Back to Sleep at 4. Up at 6. I have to tend to the doggies all night when mom and dad aren't here.

Next week is mine and Stan's 4 years of dating anniversary. And my 32 birthday.

On April 17th I'm getting more teeth pulled. And after that I won't be able to eat solid food. Probably ever again....

And on April 19th I Have  psychiatrist and psychologist appointments back to back. Literally.

On April 27-29th we are busy with 3 different things.

April is Gonna be a pretty busy month all in all.

Monday, March 19, 2018

KY vacay summary post

We left on time (i think)
I made stan stop for me to pee a lot hahahaha.
I fell asleep TWO TIMES. and managed to vlog on in the car. hahaha

We got to Lexington at 5pm (given type change)
My father-in-law made a DELICIOUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS home made dinner, which was awesome because I was totally not into getting dressed and going out

we had a light brunch at the house--- I had scrambled eggs and bacon cooked in the over it was DELICIOUS
we had a mini lunch (chicken) mostly because I had the munchies and was trying to stay awake and I always get hungry when I get sleepy in the middle of the day (its a weird habit.... my Nana is the way.... was.... the same way)
we went to half priced books and I found nothing worth getting (no good journals or anything) Stan found a copy of the book "A Princess Bride" and a box set of all the "Rocky" movies!!!!!

I went to bed really early sometime my meds make me super sleepy and sometimes I dont sleep that much. I think the new fangled bipolar medication needs to be increased.

It snowed over night!!!!!!

Monday: it snowed!!!! 7 inches of snow!!!!!
I ate a lot of banana pudding hahaha
we left for Morehead while the snow was on the ground but the road was clear.

We had chinese food in Morehead and chillaxed with Stan's mom.

Stan had to run to Walmart in the middle of the night to get me Tums and Pepto.... well, I mean he didn't have to but he loves me and he did it and I love him very very much.

Tuesday: we went to the Appointment with my mother-in-law Miss Joy... and I said something mean without thinking about it at all..... and I fell really bad and I didn't even know I said it I dont remember saying it and I his in the bedroom most of the day.
We also had chinese. Again. There is a lot of good chinese places in around Morehead

Wednesday: Tanner (stan's cousin) and his girlfriend
we hung out and Tanner and Stan talked a lot and I also talked to Tanner's girlfriend a lot. they made food (made tater tots in the air fryer and it was AMAZING to have tater tots not covered in grease)
there ended up being a lot of people at the apartment and I had to go sit in the bedroom.

Thursday: I met stan's ex Meg at the Fuzzy Duck and it was so cool Meg is awesome and we went to her house and saw her horses and her dogs. then we went back to stan's moms apartment and ordered pizza and hung out for a while. I went to bed early because I was really tired.

Friday: we stated in and chilled. I woke up at 6 and took a nap until 10 am lol
more chinese for dinner!!!!!

Saturday: we loaded up (aka threw everything in the tub that the air matress was in lol and left for home

it was very sad and I have decided to try and drive myself up there to visit my mother in law when I can get the nerve and guts to to do it. also when i get my car fixed.

we did laundry and took some stuff to the storage unit on sunday.

and sunday night we tried to watch the new Thor movie but I fell asleep =(
I slept really hard until the closet rod and all the clothes and shelf fell off the wall!!!!!

it was really loud and scared the shit out of Lilly
we had too much stuff hanging on the rod and the sheet rock gave away

Today is monday and I finally took a shower. lmao

I am trying to slowly clean up the bedroom but there is so much in here and no place to put up the clothes

I am making a little headway in parts of the room i guess.

I ate a can of creamed corn for lunch and i emptied and reformatted the micro SD card in my phone

also today its supposed to storm but i dont think it will

Stan is amazing and going to stop on the way home to get stuff that I need or want and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

 I gotta for play with my phone now....

I also need to help my mom and hold her puppy while she takes scissors to the hair on her back legs and tail to try and get some of her cleaned up a little bit.

Friday, March 9, 2018

friday march 8, 2018 --- WE LEAVE FOR KY TOMORROW

Friday March 9, 2018

sooooo today is the last day before the vacation starts!!!
and i am really excited an am having a better time with my anxiety with my new medications!
i'm hoping the feeling last when i am actually in kentucky and away from home. when i go places away from home.. i feel unsafe because im away from my "safe zone places"
I know the people we are spending out time with are good, wonderful people. I KNOW this, but my anxious paranoid brain is still scared of what might happen. and I wont have anywhere to run to get away because I am in a strange place.
I am hoping the medicine will make this better. but I dont know... I have never been through this with medication before.

I have back two bags. one for shorts pants dresses socks undies ect.
the short probably wont be used but they are just incase. And I have gym shorts for around the house and to sleep in.
the other bag is shirts and tank tops and scarves and hats and i need to try to get a sweater or two in there but i think i might just have to carry them and leave them in the car and get them when i think i need them.

i'm taking boots and normal shoes. and cute socks.
i have my make up packed.and all i need to bath an body and health and beauty.
i have a large purse with my books and planner and stuff. and a small purse that i will take in store and stuff .
I have taken my special washi tape and sticky notes and stuff in a small zippered bag so i can do my planner on the road. and my journal.
I'm taking a book stan got me for christmas to read. and a mandala coloring book and my new amazing color pencils.
i've pack up my meds for the whole trip
and i'm taking a vape to use instead of smoking cigarettes. it will be hard but it will be worth it.
yesterday i wrapped and decorate Mamma Joy's gift and it was so much funnnn.

i have to clean up miss lilly's eating place so its nice and my family can feed here while we are gone.

i'm washing stans last minute packing stuff right now. and some of mine. stan will pack tonight.
and he is going by the store for last minute things we might need.
and we will pre load the car as much as we can tonight.

i have a cube of food to eat on the trip that is soft enough for me to eat with my teeth hurting. when we get back i have an appointment on march 26 to see the dentist.

an on march 28 i see my psychiatrist again... and i hope he will get me with a psychologist or a therapist soon. like really really soon.

i'm gonna go do some last minute stuff and then relax a bit.

I slept last night! i went to bed really early and slept ALL through the night i didnt even wake up to go pee! and miss Lilly woke me up rubbing on my face asking for breakfast... so adorable

i havent typed on a real key board in a long time and i can definitely tell that i am out of practice lol

i will try to update every few days while we are on our trip but i make no promises , because i have no idea how busy i will be. =)

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Feb 28th 2018

So... I have some really good news!
Today was my psychiatrist appointment (in Birmingham... Ugh so far away) and it went really well.
I only had a little anxiety attack when we got to the building.
I was a little uneasy while getting dressed but it was surprisingly easy today. Like. I dunno how i did it. It was some kind of magical thing.

My new psychiatrist is very nice and kind and understanding. He listened to me and took my anxiety seriously. He didn't be little or dismiss my issues. It was amazing to be treated like a human being for once.

After it was over (and it only lasted 30 mins or so) we went to IHOP again lol. And I got pancakes and an omelet.... It was so good.
Victory pancakes!

We came back to tuscaloosa and dropped of my new prescription at the pharmacy. And apparently there was an issue with one of the pills but the pharm tech called the psych and they worked it out.

So we came home and I took a nap with stan until he had to go to work.
He pretty much took a half day off To take me to the doctor.

The rest of the day was pretty good.
Stan got chinese on the way home. And he got me Orange chicken. And corn nuggets.

We watched an episode of "orange is the new black" and now i am so here blogging and falling asleep.

So I start my new meds tomorrow. 😊😊😊😊
I gotta go to sleep now. I'm sooo tired.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

thursday feb 22, 2018

So. Let's just get it out of the way.
Yesterday was horrible. We have been officially legit told that if I want to get mental health care and not be waiting 2-5 months (at a minimum), I need to go out of town.
So... We got a referral to a place in Birmingham and I have to be there next Wednesday at 7am in the morning.. Which means leaving the house at..... 5:30am? and getting up at 3:30am????? yeah i am not happy about this.. but i think they are opening early to see me because 7am is really early so i am going to suck it up and accept it because maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. and i if they are infact opening early to see me i REALLY REALLY fucking appreciate them doing this for me? like the dude at the normal medical doc clinic must have pulled some strings really hard. ???? maybe i dont know.

which brings me to this next ordeal--

And I have to have Stan drive me, which makes me feel like a ridiculously selfish piece of shit. because i cannot drive myself to places like that..even if i had been there and knew how to get there the anxiety of having an appointment is so distracting that i am scared shitless to drive on the interstate because... i wont be able to focus and drive as good as i could and its a scary interstate thing and the city of birmingham has to be navigated and omfg just no no no no.
do not want

so other than that... in retrospect-- the thing that really upset me and makes me want to give up on getting help is.... I had a legit panic attack in front of the doctor and he was like "no anxiety meds for you. nope. nada." so I am thinking I might never get relief in that way and it makes me honestly want to quit life???? i dont mean die... not die but just comatose in bed just hook me up to fluids and stuff i am done. dissociate from reality forever. giving up, pretty much.

Like I have done this anxiety thing for so long and I am tired of being denied the things that would improve my quality of life. that crap has to stop. go through doctors until i find one that is willing to help me.

like i know these things exist and are right there but i cant have them because of doctors. and these things would improve my quality of life.

like what kind of ass backward fucked up world are we living in.
that just because SOME people abuse medicine for anxiety -- i am there for denied it entirely. when it is the very thing i actually need.

like thank you have a nice day.
and go live in crippling anxiety hell for the rest of your life. Its cool, all the cool kids are doing it. Its hip.


but i guess since we've already extended our search for help to include birmingham i can look up all the clinics and doctors in birmingham and see what places are open and taking new patients. because if we are driving that far for this anyway.... we might as well have an idea of who else might work besides the one psych doc that we were referred to (incase his stupid ass refuses to treat my anxiety like a valid thing. like i feel like i'm being dismissed and belittled by these people who see me have a panic attack and still refuse to do nothing for me when ITS THEIR DAMN JOB TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME)

and anyways... ALSOOOOOO because apparently the options in a city like birmingham are ridiculously good. so if we are gonna go ... lets go big? like.. if we have to drive that far lets just do the damn thing. what if i found like, THE PERFECT psychiatrist for me and my needs in birmingham... and i would have never even known they existed until we did this????

we have been told straight up that tuscaloosa is the shittiest place for mental health care ever. and its true. its absolutely true.

the other thing that we gotta figure out is-- i need a therapist. and this therapist needs to communicate with the psychiatrist. A LOT.
so we have that long distance hurdle because im pretty sure most psychiatrist are gonna have therapist they recommend and i'm pretty sure they'd be in birmingham. and the thing is that IF you dont go to the therapist regularly to work shit out.... it DOESNT GET WORKED OUT. so driving to birmingham every other week for the rest of my life.... yeah i dont even know... whatever

ok so i have tried to make a blog post that wont make my husband upset but i dont know if i have done it. i will find out when he reads it and tells me to take it down. lol

i have finished most of my things i wanted to do today so i think i might actually play pokemon or something.... idk.. i started the day so early it feels like it should be 6pm but its only 3:30...

uh anyway thats all for now. idk how long this blog post will be here... before i am forced to take it down but... thats whats happening right now... and next week.
(oh i didnt mention the thing on saturday but i guess i can make another entry about that???? idk)

Sunday, February 18, 2018

SUNDAYYYY (its actually very not sunny today teehee)

we were going to go see the "Black Panther" movie but the theatre was so so so so packed!
there was a line out into the street!!! at lunch on a sunday!
We are going to go another day and see it for sure, but it was kind of a big bummer that we couldn't see it today. we'd be in line waiting for ever. and to be honest i dont really like it when the theatre is so full of people, it makes me nervous and idk.. anyway

so this week we are trying something different.. and going to the normal health stuff faculty and staff clinic (i can go there because of marriage insurance etc etc)
and see if they can refer me to the associated psych clinic and get me flagged as "urgent" or something???
because this shit is bananas. lolol

like i had an anxiety attack at lunch today ... and i have no idea what triggered it.
like.. usually i have some kind of idea but nope. no. nothing this time.
it makes me scared because Stan is my rock. he is my safe place when i go out in public and if .... if that safe feeling goes away i dont... know what i will do.
i dont think its anything stan has done. i'm positive its not. he is more caring and helpful than ever when it comes to my problems. i am so blessed.
but maybe something is getting worse?
i could make a list of things that are making me anxious-- like stuff thats going to happen.
and then stuff that i get anxious about as the day goes on
and maybe try and see if theres something new or different???
i dont know... that would only work if i had something from past  feels to compare the current list to. haha

i hope to get an eye exam soon. my vision is getting worse and worse... i am noticing it getting worse which is weird and new because i never did before.. but i guess thats what happens when you get old. LMAO

i need to go back to the dentist and get these two cavities taken care of but soooooo much is going on i have no idea when we can do anything... it sucks...and we dont have money to do it all at once.. evem though we really really need to.
i wish a magical fairy god parent would appear and give us money so we could get the things done that we need to do. like nothing frivolous but... actual THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE THINGS.
but everybody wishes that, dont they? lol ahhh... oh well😉😉😉

ok.. whatever. lol

stan is sleeping right now and i hope he is able to sleep tonight because... he works tomorrow and i'm afraid he might end up staying up all night because he slept all afternoon and evening.

i gotta goooo.... i am gonna try to update this blog and my instagram more often
maybe doing that will cheer me up!!!!! (lol fat chance haha)

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Description of my anxiety disorder.


I have moments that I feel ok. Maybe. and then I remember everything that has happened . Is happening . Will happen soon and I get… I just can’t.. I don’t know.

The mask I wear can only stay up for so long before it starts to break.

I have to have days off from living life and social stuff and….

Every. Single. Thing. Makes. Me. Anxious. I can’t. Turn. It off or down a notch.

It’s like music.. Background music playing all the time…. And some unknown being out there holds the remote volume control. And they change it all. The. Time.

Sometimes it’s loud. Really loud.. cannot think at all. cannot do anything until it stops.

And sometimes it’s so soft I almost forget it’s there. But I get anxious about this peaceful feeling because I know....
I KNOW  IT comes back. And in waves. And bad. Off and on all day.

And then there’s the actual acute anxiety attacks that just…. Its like the music is at full blast and I have no hands with which to cover my ears. I cannot make it stop. I have to try and not lose my mind until it goes back softer…

And then when a lot of stuff happens in my life.. back to back. I end up absolutely batshit crazy at the end of everything when it's petered out... and I cannot function. I have to crash. For a day. Or days. Like. I have to detoxify myself from the bad thoughts/feels I had to endure/keep to myself for days because there WAS no buffer time between things happening to sort it all out. And tbh, we are even lucky if I make it through everything in the first damn place.

I’m sorry about posting this..... I’m not well. Physically and mentally. Right now. And I haven’t slept tonight and it's 8am.

but really::: I had been searching for a good way to describe my anxiety….. Because I have generalized&social anxiety. Also OCD. (which is an anxiety disorder actually, if you did not know)

I get anxious about tiny little things That other people don’t even think about. Like ridiculous things. I get anxious over taking a shower. Putting on make up. Laundry. Dishes. House cleaning. PHONE CALLS AND ANSWERING THE PHONE LIKE SERIOUSLY I CANNOT DO IT. (i suck it up and sob through calling doctors trying to get appointments for mental health care... Because I have to... But if my phone rings and I so don't know the number??? Oh hell no. No way. No how. I. Don't care who. It could be I do not do it. Voicemail. Please leave me a voicemail if you call me. I probably do want to talk to you but I am scared to answer the phone!)

. I shake the whole time I do my makeup. Get dressed. So most anything..... Like seriously.... I shake. All. The. Time.
I am not exaggerating this- my husband, Stan, sees it. And it's actually happening. I'm not psyching myself out and imagining it... I tremble with anxiety almost every second I am awake and focused on anything. Because I start thinking. And thinking automatically goes to "what ifs"...

Hell I get anxious JUST LEAVING MY BEDROOM. because who knows what is outside that door. I sure don't.

I don’t know why. It just happens and I sit here unable to do the things I need to do. Like.. I’m talking about general everyday basic self care and house work stuff. Like I get so Worked up about what if this or that happens?

What if the other thing happens?

What if they both happen at once?

What if neither of them happen at all and I am just a fool?

Now let’s get really fun with this. Add the social aspect.

What if someone you personally know saw the thing happen? What if they thought it was bad and your fault? What if they blame you? What if they get confused entirely and imagine the worst possible thing….. (Like I do here?)

Or…. What if it’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all? What would they assume? Idk. Maybe this. Maybe that.. Maybe a little of this and that.

And they have no basis for their assumptions and you have no control over it AT ALL.
THEY ARE MAKING OPINIONS OF YOU. PROBABLY BAD ONES. AND YOU CANT EVEN EXPLAIN YOURSELF. NOR DO THEY KNOW YOU EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT TO KNOW THAT YOU Are most likely harmless or innocent of whatever it might have been in this theoretical…. Cluster fuck of anxiety I’m trying to some how detangle So MAYBE people in the world can understand people like me a little better???

I really really really hope someone– atleast one person– Who reads this is comforted to know that they are not alone. I’m trying to find different  ways to explain to the “normal” people what it’s like….

And if I am putting your feels into words in a way that helps you, please feel free to use this example With the background music thing. I know I'm not the first person to think of it. I can't be.

This was my first try at this…. I hope I have not upset or offended anyone by posting this here. I just wanted to express myself. And try and find ways that maybe people who struggle.. Like me.. Can all use to describe what we experience… To the people who know and love us… And don’t understand exactly what is going on. 😔😔😔


Thursday, February 8, 2018

more waiting and waiting..

so i had a back up appointment on thursday feb 1st with indian rivers and i was sick.. like idek what was wrong. but i was not ok.

so i rescheduled for feb 13.
so i have to take my lamictal once a day instead of two which really doesnt do anything honestly.

i am starting to think the meds they have me on arent doing anything at all.

i dont even think my prozac is helping my depression
they keep saying bipolar depression is different
well, i'd like to know it is different. how. tell me,

is it simply that treating it with antidepressants causes mania? well just address that when it happens atleast let us bipolar depressed people drag ourselves out of the gutter trash on the side of the road before you slam us down with a mood stabilizer which... by all intents and purposes.. makes you dull, slower, and FAT. i am already fat, if they make me gain weight with medicine i will lose my god damn mind.
i need to make sure these new people. WHENEVER I GET TO SEE THEM... know that

but yeah, i am self medicating right now because i cannot get out of bed if i dont... i cannot do it. there is nothing .
i have nothing
i get up because i want to see stan off to work and i see him when he gets home but i'm not lovely lovely lovely.

and then he goes to sleep

nothing else is going on... he is the highlight of my day. he is the only thing i have other than lilly. and my online stuff i do to try and stay sane. and pokemon. and my planner
i dont have anything else.

and i know the self medicating only lasts for a day or two but thats a day or two out of bed talking to people like a normal person. breathing fresh air. walking. instead of laying.
so fuck it man

i'm not exactly sad... i'm empty
this great yawning chasm in my chest. empty.
there is nothing,
i am filling it with food.
mountains and mountains of food
 and i am getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter
and its gonna makes me hate myself more
and make me want to leave the house less and less
and make me want to see people less and less

like i have to either stop eating or commit to being fat and hate myself every single second i'm awake.. which is WHY I AM SLEEPING

i know they say exercise is all wooohoo change your life but i am not gonna run around here on the road because i am afraid and i cant go to the gym because im fat and the gym costs money and
i have never really worked out at all and i dont think i will ever actually get into it. its just.. something i have never took a liking to.

random things:

Sagen got me, by far, the best washi tape i have ever had. and i am sad i wont get to see her again for..... months? a year?

but because i'm horrible i have to deal with the consequences of being horrible.

in march we are supposed to go to KY, which is .. or should be something to look foreward to. it would be
but i am still waiting on the damn doctors to see me.
and knowing my luck they will want to see me the very exact time we are going to be in KY and i can't even... the anxiety i am feeling about this is insane.
like i wait and wait and wait.... and get told i have to wait some more...  and then told to wait some more.......
and then i have to maybe not even get an appointment until march or april???

i can't even...
like what is this shit
and i feel selfish for saying i would keep an appointment with a doctor over visiting family

like really really really really really really selfish
and i think i would probably ask if they can move it to another week/day?????? i dont know how flexible stan's work is with this and... i am free all the time so really i am THE one that has to give and make it work.

i havent blogged in a while.. and last time i did i think i did it on my phone but typing has been very very soothing to me right now i can kind of just space out and put thoughts to text without really thinking... its takes so so so so so much less effort to type on a computer than on a touch screen phone. i fucking hate the phones they make us have

anyways i am just sitting here stewing. until the 13th.
and after that i will sit here and stew until march.
and i will either have an appointment with a new psychiatrist
and a hopefully a therapist
or i will go to Kentucky
or both????
if the world doesnt fuck me over

random photo post

halfway done with my book for therapy!  look at my baby girl! she's a princess (and she sheds reallllllllly bad) this is my...