Friday, September 14, 2018
so now i gotta get back into the swing of living and my anxiety is really kicking my ass. making it hard to do just about everything i try to do.
Leaving the house by myself is a BIG deal. like. an event worth celebrating.
I'm find if Stan takes me places and drives me and he is with me. but I have not tried going anywhere with anyone else to see if I would be ok doing that.
My little brother is very close to moving into his trailer with his soon to be wife (they're getting married oct 13) and its very exciting and also happening very fast and driving my mom crazy because she has to help him with setting up everything because he has no idea what all needs to be done to get a trailer set up out here in the woods (and to be honest i dont either its really complicated!)
aaaaand lets see. on monday the 24th I have a psychologist appointment (therapy)
and on tuesday the 25 we are going to the beach again for our anniversary (though our anniversary was back on sept 9... stan's job hasn't let him get off work until the end of the the month)
I am excited to go to the beach. Nana would have wanted to go and I am going to go for her. I miss her every day and It's still a very strong pain but I have found a way to push it to the back of my mind because if I focus on it I will never get better
I'm trying to start coloring in those adult coloring books again. its nice and relaxing.
I'm also trying to sit in the livingroom. especially right now while this hurricane footage is streaming live on the weather channel (i am a weather nerd)
I'm still journaling and stuff. not really playing video game right now. I'm still watching greys anatomy i dont think that will ever change. lol. Stan has gotten me started on watching the show Shameless (i love it a lot but I need a lot of mental attention to watch it and catch all the stuff that happens. its very fast paced)
hopefully in a few weeks we can get together with Alex and Sagen for a football game day party of some kind. we need to do that atleast once this fall.
and I gotta get a dress for Gordon and Krista's wedding on Oct 13. it needs to be a shade of purple so that is the hardest thing. almost all the dresses out in the stores right now are that really deep plum color and that is not the purple she was wanting but she says its ok, so atleast she is being reasonable and not all Bridezilla on us. haha
ok i'm gonna go color and eat some yogurt
tomorrow stan is meeting his dad and step mom for dinner and i am very happy he is getting the chance to see them. i know i am not welcome but that is ok. this is my fault and i am dealing with the feelings it gives me. its my fault, so that's all that can be said. i hope they have a good time.
because we aren't sure we will be able to get to KY for christmas this year (stan's job is making it hard for him to get time off)
anyway. my yogurt awaits me (its blueberry incase anybody is wondering lol)
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
I have therapy tomorrow. My psychologist is trying to help me but I just can't... I can't do much right now because I am so depressed.
We got my antidepressant increased and we are hoping that will help. it still need another week to set in I think.
I am not eating much lately. I'm not losing weight because I am too depressed to get up and do stuff, but I really dont care too much I just have no appetite. Food is not appealing to me. All I eat is popcorn and animal crackers and tuna and wheat thins. I eat an egg white omelette at IHOP when stan takes me to the doctor every two weeks.
I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot. I started it over from the beginning because I love it so much.
I spend most of my days lately staring at the wall thinking about Nana.
I think this might be the worst depressive episode I've had in my entire life so far. I am better than I was. a lot better. but I am not ok. I am really not ok. But as bad as I am not-- I was so much worse a few weeks ago. I was not even functioning. I probably should have been in a psych hospital for stabilization but I have a lot of support here at home so I was ok.
so my days are full of nothing. empty. i feel empty. nothing i usually do gives me joy. i try to play video games or color in my really awesome adult coloring books or journal or collage or... anything. and nothing makes me happy. nothing gives me joy. everything is empty and pointless. i just want stan to stay home and curl up in bed with me all day. i want stan and cuddle in bed. nothing else makes me feel ok.
At the end of september stan is taking me to the beach and that is something that i am trying to get excited about. but i am fat and that makes me sad about it... but i want to be happy about it. Nana loved the beach she always wanted to go. and she would want me to go. and be happy. so I'm gonna go. (pending our reservations) and i'm gonna be fat and have fun anyway. and eat fried seafood. and collect sea shells. maybe play mini golf.
I wanna post more but it would just be sad stuff and I dont need to focus on that. I can write that out in my private journal anyway,
I hope everyone. or the one person. who read this is very well and having a good late summer/early fall
Saturday, July 21, 2018
I got up just before 7am and it didn't storm last night like they predicted so that was disappointing (i love storms, i know its horrible but I do)
My mother needed a shower and said she would get one and then didn't so I sat around and didn't know and I should've taken mine earlier while she was claiming to get one-- so long story short-- it felt like, to me, that we were pressed for time. and that upset me because being late or almost late causes me to have a lot of anxiety.
I had to try on clothes and that upset me a lot. A LOT
Atleast we got my prescriptions for meds dropped off today and not monday or tues
My eye exam was at 11am and we got there early and filled out forms and the forms were ridiculous. I've come to the conclusion that they always are. I write way too big for the forms to fit our address and all that nonsense
I picked out eye glasses frames that are almost identical in color and shape to the ones I have now, so I dont have a lot of change going on. which is good. i dont wanna do a drastically different look. i am pretty content with neutral colored frames
At the very end of the exam process my back started to hurt worse than it had ever previously hurt so far as I can remember. I was pretty much crying. It hurt so bad I was nauseated. I felt like I was going to be sick.
My back pain backed off right before we left walmart and the change in painlevel was so drastic that it almost felt euphoric. like the relief was so amazing i felt happy happy about it. and i have no idea why it suddenly got better. I wish i knew so i could reproduce that thing when it hurt so bad heh
we got food on the way home and now we are relaxing
Stan did his best to tolerate my nasty attitude today and I am grateful. when i get anxious and upset about myself I get angry towards everyone and that is something I need to work on because they dont deserve to suffer when i feel bad about myself. that makes me a bad person.f
I'm going to try and eat my lunch now and hopefully be not so horrible.
Monday, July 16, 2018
yesterday was ok. save for some bad luck on Stan's end. (will explain later)
I got up at 5 am and got a shower and left around 6:30 am for Walmart. I forgot my makeup bag and stand was my hero and brought it with him when he came to pick me up at walmart. We left my car there like we always do, and went to birmingham.
I made stan go in with me on my psychiatrist appointment, to reinforce my side effects from Rexulti and why we stopped it without telling him. And he was ok with our deccision on that, and marked me as allergic to that medication. The doctor has decided to just leave off my fourth medication for now, and let me see how I handle things. Since I seem to be having complications with everything he's given me, and the weight gain I've experienced is surreal.
I did, by the way, get some praise from both my Psychiatrist and Psychologist on my socializing at home more. I have been spending a lot of time in the livingroom interacting with my family, rather than hiding in the bedroom all day. And it really is a big step for me. Though I'm still not leaving the house hardly at all. like. AT ALL.
But hopefully I will keep progressing.
After the appointment we went to IHOP like we traditionally do and I had the best omelette ever (my stomach was being weird, well no my stomach my esophagus. so it was hard to enjoy it but it was the best, really)
on the way back Stan started to feel feverish which is bad because I've been sneezing and headache and coughing and feeling under the weather myself. AND Stan can't get sick because of work, so I feel bad if he caught whatever I have.
He dropped me off at walmart at my car, I bought two things, and went home.
And once he got to work, he found out he had to stay extra late because Trump went all weird and lovey dovey with Putin.
When I got home myself My dad was just finishing up the cabinet he was working on (i even held the back on a little while he staple gunned the back on well they're nails but look like staples? IDK)
so that project is finished. But his truck had broken down earlier that day-- so he immediately had another thing to work on. But its ok, he seems to have fixed it and made double sure it doesn't happen again anytime soon (a hose leak)
And anyway, I went to sleep around a normal time. but i woke up at 1am so I am in the livingroom so I dont keep stan awake with my nonse noise and moving around all night.
And that was monday.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Friday, July 13, 2018
I'm on chapter nine of my book for my psychologist. but it has 23 chapters. HOWEVER the chapters are really short and easy to handle because of the way its written so i think i might actually finish most of it by monday at 9am (IF I READ INT HE CAR ON THE WAY HAHA)
that being said, i haven't played video games AT ALL today
which is kind of... i dunno. weird?
i did the dishes today and hurt my back some more so i haven't done anything but lay here and read since then, though i do have to say that because i took super strong ibuprofen my back DID hurt less what I did stuff. I just dont want to have to take it every day. my blood is already thinned out by my psych meds, and it takes a while for me to stop bleeding
we are having pizza tonight and i have asked for something that has no tomato sauce stuff because i have constant heartburn pretty much and that makes it SO MUCH WORSE
you know, despite being delicious i just... i can't eat it hardly at all
I hope it rains
but not a ton
I'm gonna play games or read until Stan gets home
I just got my book for therapy yesterday and I have to try and read the whole thing before Monday and I just know I Can't do it.
but I will try
and plus if I speed read it I wont remember or get anything out of it. Which is counter productive
I'm going through caffeine withdrawal right now
we can't get a gym membership because its too expensive so i'm going to be a fucking fat ass piece of shit for the rest of my life
lets see whatelse
nope that's about it
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
the side effects include:
rexulti side effects include, heart burn, headache, indigestion, stomach discomfort/nausea/pain, muscle aches, sleepiness and restlessness
so that is why I have felt like absolute CRAP lately. I have had EVERY ONE OF THESE SYMPTOMS.
Including my random vomiting from indigestion. It's been so bad that we have joked about taking out stock in Pepto. because I go through a few bottles a week (or I was)
so I have quit taking the new medicine but I haven't told my Psychiatrist yet. I think I will call him today, but that means he will want to see me ASAP and I am NOT going to go in despite what they want because I have an appointment on the 16th (with both doctors)
There's a book my Psychologist wants me to read and we ordered it on Amazon and I hope it gets here on friday like Stan said it would because I need to start reading it before my next appointment. and there isn't much time for me to do that. lol
he said the first few chapter will probably sound like gibberish to me but he doesn't know how intelligent I really am. or maybe he does, and maybe it really will sounds like gibberish to me.
I've been spending a lot of time in the living room which is kind of weird but its better than me hiding in my room all day.
I've been journaling a lot and I feel like that's been good for me. I got a new pen that looking like a kitty so that makes it even more fun.
i'm gonna stop writing now.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
i've been able to sit in the livingroom and watch whatever I want on tv which was great until I accidentally messed up the TV set up in here and can't get to the direct tv now app lol
a REALLY REALLY bad storm his tuscaloosa yesterday lots of flooding and trees down
it missed us at the house but cause the University of Alabama a lot of trouble.
mom and dad are coming home today and we MIGHT go out to eat but i dunno. i'm feelng really depressed and i have no desire to get ready and leave the house.
i have gained so much weight i dread showering or getting dressed. i dread any and all social situations.
i just dont want anybody to see me the way i look now.
i feel like i might relapse on my eating disorder which is going to just make my life even more complicated. my psychologist is already overwhelmed with my other problems. i dont know what he will do if this happens on top of that. i know there's an eating disorder specialist at the OTHER clinic this company runs but i cant go there AND here. and id ont know if i can switch over without starting all over again with a psychiatrist.
I guess i will just have to wait and see what happens
I am gonna stop trying to explain myself now. it doesnt matter.
i'm watching some old school tv show on antenna its so funny haha
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
i need to wash some clothes
and lay off the coffee
i have recently come to terms that i am lactose intolerant
i also cannot eat anything with tomato sauce because it hurts me
so my diet is going to be changing to reflect these needs to keep me from feeling nauseated and sick all the time
my chromebook crashes everytime i load the facebook home page on the computer that I use (chromebook)
so i will not be going on there on here. just my phone. which is no fun because i cannot time worth a flying poop on my phone.
trying to switch to vaping instead of smoking is HARD YALL
i've been writing in my journal a lot lately. just a lot of things on my mind
i'm cramping a lot this week because of lady problems
stan and i are TRYING to come to an agreement on our vacation for this fall and not agreeing on anything and its making me sad and upset but there has to be a way that we can do this somehow.
I just dont wanna go on vacation the last week of august because last year that was the week nana went downhill and died.
and yes i am still in the anger part of mourning. haven't gotten to acceptance yet.
i need more lollipop but i dont wanna drive anywhere because the tire on my car is not right. i dunno what is wrong with it... it feels like theres a knot on the tire. but i am unedumacated in these things so i dunno what it is.
mom is going to fayette for avon and to see pawpaw. he fell down yesterday and we think he might be hurt and just not telling anybody.
i am gonna try to be happy today but i dont know if i can manage it.
but i will try
Monday, July 2, 2018
we were almost late for the appointment. or is seemed like we were going to be, so i called in and told them and then my own psych was a little late so it worked out but my session was shorter than normal. =(
Today was my every two week psychologist appointment. and we seem to be spinning our wheels a bit so he gave me a reading assignment and I have to get Stan to buy me the book but from the way my doctor talks it should be really really good book for me to read.
i've been playing STARDEW VALLEY on the nintendo switch a lot. and i really love this games. its like harvest moon but better in a way
i really wanted to get the harvest moon games on the ds/3ds but this is so much easier than that because its free and we dont have to go get it or download it.
well, i say it was free but it came with the switch when we bought it off gordon
my brother is working at Mercedes now and I am really proud of him... he seems to be doing ok so far but i feel like its only a matter of time before he does something wrong or shoot off his mouth and gets fired or in some big trouble. i really hope that doesn't happen but i know my brother and its really likely to happen
i am TRYING TRTING TRYING to quit smoking and it going so bad. i need to get vape juice that is .9mcg instead of .3
that might help a lot
gordon said .9 was too strong but he isnt coming off smoking he just started vaping first so he doesn't have any tolerance to nicotine
on the 16th i have TWO appointments back to back. first my psych for meds and then the therapy with the psychologist
i hope i can have some of that book read before my next appointment.
Friday, June 29, 2018
it got soooo hot i had to sleep in the livingroom on the couch
there's been so many storms this week. I hope everyone that might read this is ok.
In a slightly related note:
I hope everybody reading this knows I can SEE when they visit my blog.
not only that, I can see HOW MANY TIMES they do.
and when the location is, for certain, a place where I know someone.... oh, lets say Kentucky. Just for shits and giggles. I can see how many times a day you check this page.
so maybe i will update more. if you're hoping for more information on horrible little ole me.
hahaha ok anyway
i dont mind you reading this i was trying to make a joke and it didn't turn out right.
the joke was im horrible person etcetc etc etc
we usually eat pizza on fridays but we just had that last night because the power was out (for 12 hours straight btw)
and we asked Stan to bring us dinner. He is so very kind.
so I have no idea what we will eat tonight.
also i am sad because my chromebook is trying to go out on me. it reboots when i try to load three pages at once and it never used to have problems with this. its mostly when i try to load facebook. which makes me sad because thats how i talk to stan and april all day.
I have to pee every 30 mins.
I have a lot of pregnancy sypmtoms but there is no way in HELL i can be pregnant.
I have been vomiting randomly. the smells make me so nauseated I can't stand it... when i try to wash dishes I get sick.
I get food cravings (but i'm trying to blame that on my new medicine)
let me reiterate --- THERE IS NO WAY IN THE WORLD I CAN BE PREGNANT
this new medicine could possibly the reason for a lot of this. I hope. even though these sideaffects aren't listed in the medication info pamplet. and i've read the whole thing just to be sure i know everything.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
I havent updated in AGES
so I will talk about the KY trip
we left friday and came back tuesday
we were gonna come back monday but we were too tired (or stan was and he has to drive)
the trip was good. I got to spend a lot of time with my mother in law (one of my favorite people)
stan and i went to his class reunion on saturday
I had to borrow clothes from his mom because the dress i wanted to wear was like three sizes too big and ithought it would be ok but when i put it on again i hated it a lot
so i borrowed a shirt and it looked pretty good
i wish i had dressed up more but stan promised me it was ok
we hung out with stans friend Meg. and we also went to see Tanners new place and get a lot of movies and stuff from him (digital on a hard drive stan has)
I was sick most of the time we were there. Indigestion so bad I was vomiting. NOT FUN
but i managed to stay in moderately good spirits
or i tried to
stans mom gave us some dog treats for the babies and they love them
Little Bear was adorable... i am definitely going to get a Shih-Tzu when we get our own place
(stan is getting a dog he wants and i'm getting one i like)
it rained a LOOOOOT while we were on vacation and on the way back it did too
I have an appointment on July 2nd with my head shrinker (lol mr. finger)
we are back home and its so HOT
heat advisory and everything
my dad is making some different wall plaques and they look so good! i am so proud of my dad with all his work
I am ALMOST finished with Pokemon Ultra Sun the second time lol
tonight mom is staying with pawpaw which is good because he gets lonely
and dad too i think
stan and i are alone with dinner which is fun but i have to get him to get me something i can eat and not have acid reflux really bad
I am so happy right now even though I feel sick almost 24/7
its about to storm so i'm gonna finish this and turn off my computer.
i have a weird fear of my computer getting hit by lightining
Thursday, June 7, 2018
i've had some weird sleep all day and night moments but I feel okay emotionally and mentally so I am not too worried about it
today i had a lot of chores to do so i am feeling very productive and i thought i would continue that feeling by blogging today
tomorrow i have to get everything ready for saturday
because saturday is the AP awards and I am going with Stan and I am excited
I am wearing my great grandmas dress. i dont care its vintage and i love it i don't care of it's not in style
after that is sunday which is laundry day and stan will need to rest from saturday
next monday i have an appointment with my psychologist/therapist and i need to make sure i write good journal notes on the AP awards banquet because we are trying to build my self esteem so i can function normally as a person
the fact that i am going to wear an old dress and have confidence is a good sign no?
then we have fathers day and i really hope stan talks to his dad and they have a good conversation.
I miss the relationship with Stans dad and them but I cant get it back and there's nothing i can do but just make sure Stan keeps in touch with them and keeps a good relationship with them despite me not being able to be there too. I know how important his Dad is to him and it would break my heart if they stopped talking. I have been really hard on myself about that because of how I understand the bond with a father figure (i'm really close with my dad too)
lots of mixed feelings and sad and good and excited.
but i guess thats what normal life feels like, isn't it?
i will find out one day.
Friday, June 1, 2018
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Lots of cleaning to do!!!!
Also today my dad drove my husband to the airport. i went with them so i could see him off because you never know when you fly it could be the last time... i know thats morbid but idk. he went with the news team to get a really cool award. like apparently this is a huge deal. I am very excited for him and the station and proud too.
we got stuck in a construction road work area for almost 30 minutes while taking Stan to the airport... that was really really unnerving. very not cool. but we made it and he got there and arrived safely and i just talked to him and he is ok. and celebrating or what not. hahaha.
We had a really big scare with some billing that the oral surgeon sent out but apparently its... i dont know how to explain it but its not the real bill we have to pay. thank God. I was so upset. I was so upset I couldn't even cry hardly. like... I was mad at myself for needing surgery and I still am and I know I dont deserve it. But My husband loves me and.... ok I'm gonna cry now I can't think about this.
long story short-- the bill was not legit and we will pay less.
we have to clean up the house a bit more before the weekend
also refill my meds
i'm trying to get everybody who plays an instrument to bring theirs so we can have a jam session
but i dont think that is gonna happen lol
I have something I wanna do for Stan's birthday but its probably gonna get done after his actual birthday
but it will be so very cool.
I also made him a new tigers eye bracelet
lots of cleaning
stan in washington DC for two days
that's the rest of May... save for my next psychologist/therapist appointment on the 31st.
we are working on my self-esteem and re programming my thinking. its hard and idk how much progress i am making... but i am journaling and trying and i hope i can work things out.
Monday, May 14, 2018
i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet practice to do and i can't do it until weeks from wednesday. no good, guys.
my psychologist appointment was great today. he was chatty and we had a few laughs. but we made some goals and talked about self esteem and self worth. to think i am worth taking care of myself and stuff. I also have to start a second journal to work on some writing prompts with getting my thinking pattern on situations changed.
i'm really gonna try.
atleast he understands the impact of my nana's death on my mental state right now.
he isn't nagging me about getting over the mourning.
which i appreciate, especially from a psychologist.
so after wednesday i wont be able to eat hard solid food. or chewy. or idk. i have no idea what i will be able to eat after my tooth extractions heal. maybe nothing at all.
if i lose weight i will be so happy. so so happy. its like a secret happy thing for me.
i'll be forced to eat less. if at all? yeah
i dont know if i can eat for the crawfish boil but thats ok too
one random note today: i drank a diet coke! i never do that! lol
stan was nice enough to get me IHOP today so i had pancakes... having "last meals" hahah
i love my husband. he has been sick lately with sinus allergy stuff and he wont go to the doctor.... i wish he would. i know its just sinus but it might make it better faster? he cant afford to be sick with his work.
i hope he feels better soon.
i will be a baby after surgery so i dont wanna make him stressed out more with his being sick while i'm a weakling.
i guess i'm gonna play some pokemon now
i practiced clarinet already today.
i will do it tomorrow
after that i dont think i will be able to do it for weeks. or a month. or two idek.
i love my husband.... he makes me laugh and keeps me taken care of and i hope i can take care of him too. i'm trying. i'm really trying.
Thursday, May 10, 2018
we LIVE IN THE WOODSSSSS
on wedensday i had an oral surgeon consultation appointment where we talked and looked over what we were gonna do when we take my teeth out
it was terrifying but apparently... the insurance i have because of stan is very good and i will be able to get implants so i can eat..... later this year.... one thing at a time
gotta get 4 teeth pulled first
i feel so horrible because i didn't take care of my teeth
and i get mad because i know other people who dont and their teeth arent falling out so its like.... wtf... not fair... it must be genetics i dunno
also on wednesday we went to the last concert my highschool band director is going to direct. he is retiring
or has retired
as of last night
it was amazing and he had the beginning band and middle band and the highschool band all play and then he had people from his past teaching experiences play with the group and it was just amazing
i need to play clarinet more and especially the next few days because after i get my teeth out i dunno how long it will be until i can play again
so next wednesday i am getting my teeth out.
but on next monday i have to see the psychologist
and i dont even know what to expect from that seriously like i've never done this before i've had therapist but not psychologist
i just feel grateful every day that stan is in my life and helping me and im trying to take care of him the best i can
i know you read this and i am sorry for any and alll things that you may have seen or heard or read
but there is nothing i can do about it now, its in the past.
i am trying to be better
a better person
and that's all i can do
Friday, May 4, 2018
our dogs love to dig holes in the yard--- i think they are after moles or something under ground
and these holes fill up with leaves and you can tell they are holes and this is dangerous for my husband!!!!!
and other people too... but really dangerous for him
so i am taking my booty outside and shovelling some dirtt today haha
tomorrow we are going to see the INFINITY WAR movie... FINALLLLLLLYYYYY.
I am so excited, we are going early so i need to make sure i shower tonight because I dont wanna have to get up at 5am and start gettng ready... the showing is at 11 and yall know i take forever to get ready for stuff.
my kitty just came and loved on me a lot so i need to go pay attention to her
I just thought i would give an update.
I gotta start cleaning up the house for the crawfish bowl here in a few weeks!!! omggg
Sunday, April 29, 2018
My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?
I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)
we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"
the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)
I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more
these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff
reguarding the nana thing
I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah
like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.
like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.
I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief
we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend
my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th
and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.
sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing
and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!
I am really sad right now.
I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol
on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am
after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself
and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war
so freaking excited for this movie!!!!
we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked
so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday
i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall
i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it3>
Saturday, April 7, 2018
and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff
and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit
and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!
then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES
after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!
Friday, March 30, 2018
My Meds have been adjusted to "sleepy 24/7" levels but I'm Not manic anymore.
I'm not even sure how I Feel about it.
I'm trying to be more creative, in general, in life. and also more attentive to my social Media
This blog included.
I thought I would use the voice to text feature but the little microphone isn't here so. Idek wtf.
Destined to Fail at touchscreen typing for the rest of my days.
We gotta color Easter eggs today or Tomorrow
Stan and I are going to church on Sunday and I'm wearing my old school Granny dress that looks Like it's from the 1950s and I'm Pretty sure it issss from the 50s
So that's cool as hell
I really hope Easter service isn't too long.
Also. Strangely Enough it was Stans idea to go to church. So that was interesting to me.
I Woke up at 2 or 3 Back to Sleep at 4. Up at 6. I have to tend to the doggies all night when mom and dad aren't here.
Next week is mine and Stan's 4 years of dating anniversary. And my 32 birthday.
On April 17th I'm getting more teeth pulled. And after that I won't be able to eat solid food. Probably ever again....
And on April 19th I Have psychiatrist and psychologist appointments back to back. Literally.
On April 27-29th we are busy with 3 different things.
April is Gonna be a pretty busy month all in all.
Monday, March 19, 2018
We left on time (i think)
I made stan stop for me to pee a lot hahahaha.
I fell asleep TWO TIMES. and managed to vlog on in the car. hahaha
We got to Lexington at 5pm (given type change)
My father-in-law made a DELICIOUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS home made dinner, which was awesome because I was totally not into getting dressed and going out
we had a light brunch at the house--- I had scrambled eggs and bacon cooked in the over it was DELICIOUS
we had a mini lunch (chicken) mostly because I had the munchies and was trying to stay awake and I always get hungry when I get sleepy in the middle of the day (its a weird habit.... my Nana is the way.... was.... the same way)
we went to half priced books and I found nothing worth getting (no good journals or anything) Stan found a copy of the book "A Princess Bride" and a box set of all the "Rocky" movies!!!!!
I went to bed really early sometime my meds make me super sleepy and sometimes I dont sleep that much. I think the new fangled bipolar medication needs to be increased.
It snowed over night!!!!!!
Monday: it snowed!!!! 7 inches of snow!!!!!
I ate a lot of banana pudding hahaha
we left for Morehead while the snow was on the ground but the road was clear.
We had chinese food in Morehead and chillaxed with Stan's mom.
Stan had to run to Walmart in the middle of the night to get me Tums and Pepto.... well, I mean he didn't have to but he loves me and he did it and I love him very very much.
Tuesday: we went to the Appointment with my mother-in-law Miss Joy... and I said something mean without thinking about it at all..... and I fell really bad and I didn't even know I said it I dont remember saying it and I his in the bedroom most of the day.
We also had chinese. Again. There is a lot of good chinese places in around Morehead
Wednesday: Tanner (stan's cousin) and his girlfriend
we hung out and Tanner and Stan talked a lot and I also talked to Tanner's girlfriend a lot. they made food (made tater tots in the air fryer and it was AMAZING to have tater tots not covered in grease)
there ended up being a lot of people at the apartment and I had to go sit in the bedroom.
Thursday: I met stan's ex Meg at the Fuzzy Duck and it was so cool Meg is awesome and we went to her house and saw her horses and her dogs. then we went back to stan's moms apartment and ordered pizza and hung out for a while. I went to bed early because I was really tired.
Friday: we stated in and chilled. I woke up at 6 and took a nap until 10 am lol
more chinese for dinner!!!!!
Saturday: we loaded up (aka threw everything in the tub that the air matress was in lol and left for home
it was very sad and I have decided to try and drive myself up there to visit my mother in law when I can get the nerve and guts to to do it. also when i get my car fixed.
we did laundry and took some stuff to the storage unit on sunday.
and sunday night we tried to watch the new Thor movie but I fell asleep =(
I slept really hard until the closet rod and all the clothes and shelf fell off the wall!!!!!
it was really loud and scared the shit out of Lilly
we had too much stuff hanging on the rod and the sheet rock gave away
Today is monday and I finally took a shower. lmao
I am trying to slowly clean up the bedroom but there is so much in here and no place to put up the clothes
I am making a little headway in parts of the room i guess.
I ate a can of creamed corn for lunch and i emptied and reformatted the micro SD card in my phone
also today its supposed to storm but i dont think it will
Stan is amazing and going to stop on the way home to get stuff that I need or want and I am so lucky to have him in my life.
I gotta for play with my phone now....
I also need to help my mom and hold her puppy while she takes scissors to the hair on her back legs and tail to try and get some of her cleaned up a little bit.
Friday, March 9, 2018
sooooo today is the last day before the vacation starts!!!
and i am really excited an am having a better time with my anxiety with my new medications!
i'm hoping the feeling last when i am actually in kentucky and away from home. when i go places away from home.. i feel unsafe because im away from my "safe zone places"
I know the people we are spending out time with are good, wonderful people. I KNOW this, but my anxious paranoid brain is still scared of what might happen. and I wont have anywhere to run to get away because I am in a strange place.
I am hoping the medicine will make this better. but I dont know... I have never been through this with medication before.
I have back two bags. one for shorts pants dresses socks undies ect.
the short probably wont be used but they are just incase. And I have gym shorts for around the house and to sleep in.
the other bag is shirts and tank tops and scarves and hats and i need to try to get a sweater or two in there but i think i might just have to carry them and leave them in the car and get them when i think i need them.
i'm taking boots and normal shoes. and cute socks.
i have my make up packed.and all i need to bath an body and health and beauty.
i have a large purse with my books and planner and stuff. and a small purse that i will take in store and stuff .
I have taken my special washi tape and sticky notes and stuff in a small zippered bag so i can do my planner on the road. and my journal.
I'm taking a book stan got me for christmas to read. and a mandala coloring book and my new amazing color pencils.
i've pack up my meds for the whole trip
and i'm taking a vape to use instead of smoking cigarettes. it will be hard but it will be worth it.
yesterday i wrapped and decorate Mamma Joy's gift and it was so much funnnn.
i have to clean up miss lilly's eating place so its nice and my family can feed here while we are gone.
i'm washing stans last minute packing stuff right now. and some of mine. stan will pack tonight.
and he is going by the store for last minute things we might need.
and we will pre load the car as much as we can tonight.
i have a cube of food to eat on the trip that is soft enough for me to eat with my teeth hurting. when we get back i have an appointment on march 26 to see the dentist.
an on march 28 i see my psychiatrist again... and i hope he will get me with a psychologist or a therapist soon. like really really soon.
i'm gonna go do some last minute stuff and then relax a bit.
I slept last night! i went to bed really early and slept ALL through the night i didnt even wake up to go pee! and miss Lilly woke me up rubbing on my face asking for breakfast... so adorable
i havent typed on a real key board in a long time and i can definitely tell that i am out of practice lol
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
So... I have some really good news!
Today was my psychiatrist appointment (in Birmingham... Ugh so far away) and it went really well.
I only had a little anxiety attack when we got to the building.
I was a little uneasy while getting dressed but it was surprisingly easy today. Like. I dunno how i did it. It was some kind of magical thing.
My new psychiatrist is very nice and kind and understanding. He listened to me and took my anxiety seriously. He didn't be little or dismiss my issues. It was amazing to be treated like a human being for once.
After it was over (and it only lasted 30 mins or so) we went to IHOP again lol. And I got pancakes and an omelet.... It was so good.
We came back to tuscaloosa and dropped of my new prescription at the pharmacy. And apparently there was an issue with one of the pills but the pharm tech called the psych and they worked it out.
So we came home and I took a nap with stan until he had to go to work.
He pretty much took a half day off To take me to the doctor.
The rest of the day was pretty good.
Stan got chinese on the way home. And he got me Orange chicken. And corn nuggets.
We watched an episode of "orange is the new black" and now i am so here blogging and falling asleep.
So I start my new meds tomorrow. 😊😊😊😊
I gotta go to sleep now. I'm sooo tired.
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Yesterday was horrible. We have been officially legit told that if I want to get mental health care and not be waiting 2-5 months (at a minimum), I need to go out of town.
So... We got a referral to a place in Birmingham and I have to be there next Wednesday at 7am in the morning.. Which means leaving the house at..... 5:30am? and getting up at 3:30am????? yeah i am not happy about this.. but i think they are opening early to see me because 7am is really early so i am going to suck it up and accept it because maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. and i if they are infact opening early to see me i REALLY REALLY fucking appreciate them doing this for me? like the dude at the normal medical doc clinic must have pulled some strings really hard. ???? maybe i dont know.
which brings me to this next ordeal--
And I have to have Stan drive me, which makes me feel like a ridiculously selfish piece of shit. because i cannot drive myself to places like that..even if i had been there and knew how to get there the anxiety of having an appointment is so distracting that i am scared shitless to drive on the interstate because... i wont be able to focus and drive as good as i could and its a scary interstate thing and the city of birmingham has to be navigated and omfg just no no no no.
do not want
so other than that... in retrospect-- the thing that really upset me and makes me want to give up on getting help is.... I had a legit panic attack in front of the doctor and he was like "no anxiety meds for you. nope. nada." so I am thinking I might never get relief in that way and it makes me honestly want to quit life???? i dont mean die... not die but just comatose in bed just hook me up to fluids and stuff i am done. dissociate from reality forever. giving up, pretty much.
Like I have done this anxiety thing for so long and I am tired of being denied the things that would improve my quality of life. that crap has to stop. go through doctors until i find one that is willing to help me.
like i know these things exist and are right there but i cant have them because of doctors. and these things would improve my quality of life.
like what kind of ass backward fucked up world are we living in.
that just because SOME people abuse medicine for anxiety -- i am there for denied it entirely. when it is the very thing i actually need.
like thank you have a nice day.
and go live in crippling anxiety hell for the rest of your life. Its cool, all the cool kids are doing it. Its hip.
but i guess since we've already extended our search for help to include birmingham i can look up all the clinics and doctors in birmingham and see what places are open and taking new patients. because if we are driving that far for this anyway.... we might as well have an idea of who else might work besides the one psych doc that we were referred to (incase his stupid ass refuses to treat my anxiety like a valid thing. like i feel like i'm being dismissed and belittled by these people who see me have a panic attack and still refuse to do nothing for me when ITS THEIR DAMN JOB TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME)
and anyways... ALSOOOOOO because apparently the options in a city like birmingham are ridiculously good. so if we are gonna go ... lets go big? like.. if we have to drive that far lets just do the damn thing. what if i found like, THE PERFECT psychiatrist for me and my needs in birmingham... and i would have never even known they existed until we did this????
we have been told straight up that tuscaloosa is the shittiest place for mental health care ever. and its true. its absolutely true.
the other thing that we gotta figure out is-- i need a therapist. and this therapist needs to communicate with the psychiatrist. A LOT.
so we have that long distance hurdle because im pretty sure most psychiatrist are gonna have therapist they recommend and i'm pretty sure they'd be in birmingham. and the thing is that IF you dont go to the therapist regularly to work shit out.... it DOESNT GET WORKED OUT. so driving to birmingham every other week for the rest of my life.... yeah i dont even know... whatever
ok so i have tried to make a blog post that wont make my husband upset but i dont know if i have done it. i will find out when he reads it and tells me to take it down. lol
i have finished most of my things i wanted to do today so i think i might actually play pokemon or something.... idk.. i started the day so early it feels like it should be 6pm but its only 3:30...
uh anyway thats all for now. idk how long this blog post will be here... before i am forced to take it down but... thats whats happening right now... and next week.
(oh i didnt mention the thing on saturday but i guess i can make another entry about that???? idk)
the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...
so the weekend get away was great. we gave decided to do that more often. it was really good for us. mentally and emotionally and as a coupl...
So... The festival was yesterday. And we had bad luck with the shepards hill place again. I tried it last year and didn't sell anything....
I have finally gotten all the Christmas cards we plan to send ready. Now I gotta get to post office. They will probably be late but I tried ...