Saturday, December 30, 2017

Massive update. Major chaos. Idek.

I have so much to post about and not much time.
So Christmas was great. it was small and everyone got useful stuff instead of frivolous nonsense... and I had a lot of happy feelings.
It's was a genuinely good small loving family Christmas.
I had a lot a bit of trouble coping with nana not being there. The chair she would have sat in... The cookies always bake that she and I would sneak and eat all morning before the big Christmas meal.
And the cuddles on the couch and talking about stuff other people don't understand. Because we are both mentally ill.

So I got depressed and slept for three days... Except for pee and poop and food. I just couldn't be awake or functional at all.

And thennnnn I got up my MOJO and left the house on the 28th ... For the first time in I can't even remember how long 4 or 5 days. I spent about $20 of my chrimmas money.... I almost didn't go out at all but Stan pushed me (in a positive way, because it's good for me) to go.. So I did.

And then I ended up bouncing into hypomanic (Yay rapid cycling bipolar) so I didnt sleep the night before last... And i slept 3 hours last night. And I feel fine. Like. Good. To. Go. A ok. Which means I'm having an episode. Or something idk. I guess I have been rapid cycling or in mixed State for a really long time.. With intermittent depression... And mania and.... Wtf idk I just haven't had a baseline normal mood that is me in a long time. So Long that idek how it feels to be normal or who I might be when I am "normal"

And sooo anyway today we are going shopping for things we need for me and the house and such and. Monday is bowl game day, and that means foods lots of foods and idk what I will do to deal with that.
I am doing better with food than I was so that is good.

And then.
On Tuesday.
I have my first appointment with the new place I will go for therapy (if they can even handle my case with it being so complicated) and they will refer me to a psych doc for meds.
And on WEDNESDAY I have my long standing appointment with Indian Rivers.. The place I used previously for mental health treatment and will hopefully never use again... I am only going because my meds will run out in 2nd week of January and I don't think I will get a new psych doc in time... And i dont think I could handle psych med withdrawal.. Like I might lose it and have to got to hospital... I have no idea what will happen if I suddenly stop all my meds. And I don't want to find out any time soon.

So there's that... So today is booked.
Sunday is only time to prep for this stuff. Monday is alabama football chaos. Tuesday I have to go to a new place and tell a complete stranger my entire life and mental health story. In like 2 hours? Or 1 hour?
I have a composition notebook with a time line and notes... Like for real I am not joking...
And I might just hand it over to the and be all like "get some glue and fix me plz"
But I will probably have to read from it myself.
And I am gonna cry during this.... Because in general, I cry all the time. I don't know why it just happens I don't even mean to half the time. Like I have no control.... And this is a particularly difficult thing to go through.
The only reason I am going to be able to do it at all is because Stan is driving me there. Holding my hand. Reminding me to breathe deep because I get gasp short of Breath really bad and it makes me dizzy and idk just.... Stan is my everything and he is taking care of me and I don't deserve it at all.
But I have to let it happen anyway and it is really hard.
My self esteem and self worth is so low... I dont think I deserve to get help in the first place.

So... I am so very blessed to have a husband who goes beyond and above what any Normal husband would do.

Like I am the luckiest girl in the world. And I did nothing to deserve this. And I feel extreme amounts of guilt because there are so many other people in the world who are better persons than me and they can't get help and I wish I could give it to them and I can't and it makes me have a lot of feels. I'm crying right now tbh.

So anyway... I am getting Ready to Go shopping. I have to get ready early so I can handle the anxiety of getting ready and leaving house and.... Ughhh....
I just wish I could have a normal person life for ONE FREAKING DAY.
Just to see what it feels like because I have no idea.

So yeah here is the big update I have needed to make for days and days.

And now The chaos begins....

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