Wednesday, November 29, 2017

long long time no posty

I havent posted since the Thor movie.... lolol

okay so I literally had to go in my planner and flip back to the days and figure out what happened to update this thing haha

In general the things that are going on are POKEMON ULTRA SUN/MOON
I am a little disappointed in the story line being so similar and... idk.. i do like that they have way more pokemon from different gens showing up in the wild.
the pokebank (stan was kind enough to get it for me) is not compatible with the new game just yet (but will be in a few days, supposedly)
so I organized my pokemon for the bank and did the upload and so they are gone from my copy of Sun. I will eventually get the ones from X. I dont think they have planned on supporting Gold/Silver from the estore download virtual console. but they are apparently going to support red blue yellow. and the other virtual console download games that came out earlier on. the silver/gold just came out like... last month? or two? so that might be why its not immediately on the supported list of games.

so yeah. Pokemon Ultra SM came out on nov 17 and stan was amazing and wonderful and awesome and got it for me. i dont deserve it at all. like, not at all. not even a little bit.
so i am very grateful.

they brought the headstone for nana's grave and put it up... and i tried to stay for the whole thing but i started breaking down and i had to leave. i couldn't stand up and i was crying about to sob and mom has already told me multiple times that i am not allowed to do that infront of pawpaw. so fml i went to the car and drove home sobbing. it was a really bad day. i still cant even think about it at all without crying, so i just dont let myself think about it. i try not to. if i do its game over, i am done. crying will happens for hours. idk.

we visited pawpaw in fayette on nov 18th... and it was really hard... going to the house and she wasnt there. i sat in her recliner. i dont know if that made pawpaw feel weird or better because i am so much like her. i should have asked if it was ok. but i didnt and in retrospect i feel bad for just assuming i could sit there. =(
we watched the game. or they did. lol. we stopped and got KFC on the way for them and i ate tuna and crackers. THEN I ATE LIKE HALF A GALLON OF ICE CREAM I SHIT YOU NOT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I PUT IT ALL IT WAS LIKE A MAGIC TRICK.
big regret on that. i am probably going to be fat at Kami-con and it will ruin the entire thing for me. fml

on mon nov 20th i attempted to patch stan's jeans. and despite doing an excellent job last time i did it--- i dont remember how i did it. so i tried and i think i failed. i dont know. i didnt show him because i was embarassed. i did however sew on a button correctly (which is easy peasy) however all the buttons on that shirt need redoing so they dont fall off sometime soon so i need to do that. i have a lot of shit on my to do list and i am procrastinating like fuck. i just wanna watch anime and play pokemon but i keep getting distracted by things.. that the things i am getting distracted by arents even the good things that i need to be doing.

i finally actually started pokemon Ultra Sun on nov 21st.

Thanksgiving was hard as hell. like.... i barely made it though. nana wasnt there. she should have been sitting across from me. and she wasnt there.
she wasnt there.
she wasnt there.
she is gone.
she is gone.
i ate a lot and tried to purge and got only like 1/2 of it up.. if that. so i felt like shit and have kind of been binging ever since which makes me feel like shit even more idk what to do all i want to do is eat WHICH IS FUCKING FUNNY BECAUSE I HAVE A TOOTH ACHE SO BAD I CAN BARELY EAT BUT SOMEHOW MY FAT ASS IS MANAGING TO EAT A FUCKTON ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM AN OUT OF CONTROL WORTHLESS FAT PIG

on thanksgiving stan and I watched Aladdin and it made me really happy. he and i have had a rekindling of some bedroom romance and its really good for us. i think. i mean, i feel better. i hope he does too. otherwise i will feel stupid.

on friday i watched Alice in Wonderland. i left the menu music on for like two hours after it was done and just dozed off. it was nice.

on sat nov 25 my little brother made fun of me for eating and it upset me really bad. like really really really really really bad.
i have barely talked to him since then, i dont want to talk to him. he is a fucking asshole. he needs to look in the goddamn mirror before he starts talking about other people and their eating and fatness.
if he says anything again i will physically hurt him. i dont care what he does or my parents do, he needs to be smacked around. he is disrespectful to our parents and everyone around him. he wasnt spanked and disciplined as a child (its my mothers fault, she babied him ) and now we have this monster living in the house that we have to deal with... and cant kick out because he is struggling to get financially ok because minimum wage and living and shit is bullshit and idek.

on sunday nov 26 i put up the christmas lights ... and they were 2 strands of lights... 5 ft a piece but they dont connect to each other so i just framed the mirror on the wall next to the door because they wouldnt go around the closet door.
sunday is also laundry. as usual. i like having one day for laundry. its simple and makes my planning of the week sectioned off by something.

on tues nov 28 i went to town... stan got my money on monday so i went somewhere. i am grateful for the gas money. i didn't really buy much. but i got a xmas notepad to use this next month. (i have some but they are in storage. i think i have a lot of notepads and shit in storage but .. well... lol they're in storage haha)

and wednesday the 19 is today! i am blogging haha
and i changed the bedsheet and i think we will do just the fitted bedsheet. because stan and i both have our own blankets. because we cant share lol. we both pull on them and curl up and theres no way we could use one blanket or comforter.. even if it was huge.

so because i change the bedding i am doing some laundry in the middle of the week.

later tonight or afternoon i need to take a shower so i can be clean for tomorrow.
then again i could shower tomorrow as soon as stan leaves because he showered today and id have the hot water tomorrow.
i ATTEMPTED to clean or tidy up the room but honestly its almost impossible. so small bedroom so much stuff =(

the rest of the week...
on thursday (tomorrow) i have a dentist appointment at noon. i am driving to northport and leaving my car at walmart and stan is meeting me and driving me to my appointment.... because well, i dont really know how to get there and i get panicky thinking about it. plus he has to pay for it anyways so he has to be there.
tomorow they are only doing the xray films to see how bad my teeth are before they start trying to fix them... again.
its going to be rough. my teeth are falling apart. my dentist is going to be so disappointed in me =(
which makes me really anxious and not feels good about going because i hate hate hate hate hate disappointing people. like.. it really really hurts me inside.

on saturday stan is going to Cahaba for work.
and sunday is laundry.

and that's about it.

i am so glad i finally got a blog entry done so i can stop worrying about it... haha. it was nagging me because i know i need to and i want to but i just keep finding other things to do. and stan likes me blogging so he knows how i feel.

i am really upset about my health insurance thing. like i cant explain how much it upsets me. i feel like i dont deserve to have insurance or any kind of health care or anything at all. and its like... i especially feel like i dont deserve this because i am already being so well taken care of in every other part of my life... like its just too much. i need to stop being so greedy and needy and horrible
we have talked about me going back to work at some point but the idea scares the hell out of me.
i wish i could work from home but hearing all the bullshit april is going through to do the medical transcriptionist thing... like i'd have to go to school a little bit... idk
if stans credit hours would work for me maybe i could take a class for something that could lead to a job?
though i wanted to use that to play in the concert bands or something at the ua.
i dont know... i am feel really overwhelmed just thinking about it.
and i have already made a commitment to going to Kami-con and i really really really wanna go but i am scared i will be fat and feel hideous and have a horrible time and that will make the whole thing pointless and stan will be mad because i made him go and waste money on something that made me less happy than i was. and the thought of that makes me anxious and upset and i cant...
its like every little thing that happens in my life does this
i cant make it stop and i live like his every second of every day
i cant even breathe
how am i supposed to work
i dont know

so i have to see a dentist and that costs extra money. then theres the starwars movie. and the reynolds christmas (omg this is going to be hell idek wtf i am going to do)
and then i have to go to indian rivers one more time on jan 3 because i cant get into mental health place stuff on time before i run out of meds.
and then i have to try and see if this campus clinic thing is ok. like i really have doubt. i dont know. its good that its free but i have a feeling they are going to be a lot of indian rivers and i'm going to get pissed on again and again. and that makes me really anxious and nervous and like i dont wanna do it but i have to but i want to... but i really hate it... cause i have to start all over and its going to be hell and i dont even know if they will take me seriously?????
and if they want my patient file from indian rivers i have to go get that released. and then they will see that and i didn't even tell IR half of the shit that is going on with me and they will probably be like "well its not in your FILE so i think you are bullshitting for meds" so there we go already fucked up
i cant MAKE THE THOUGHTS STOP
i dont think people understand it.. i literally have this happening almost every few mins about something. anything. it could be about almost anything in the world. even theoretical situations that havent and may not even happen.. and its like i'm trapped in this cycle of anxiety and fear and scared and upset.
like i dont even want to try or do anything because its... i've already thought about all the things that could happen and i am seeing way too many bad outcomes and its just.. not ...i dont know... i am really upset right now.


ok so now that i have bared my soul a little bit here i am going to go play pokemon or something idk


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