Tuesday, November 7, 2017

apparently its TACO TUESDAY

mom and making tacos tonight
so i have title for a blog post
so i'm going to blog

we have had a lot of bad news and shit in the past few days and its just like... seriously... SERIOUSLY
i don't even....

i am so upset that i have shut down. i feel nothing. i have dissociated  from the feels. or most of them.
well ok not really i lie.
we aren't going to kentucky to visit family this year during the holidays.
and we definitely aren't going to the holiday parry that APR is having because they are treating him like shit and i am fucking done with it.
i'm pissed off at some other people about this stuff but i'm not going into details.

so.... november is open enrollment for getting on stan's insurance. and so that is being done. however--- i will not start receiving coverage until january. my next appointment at indian rivers for med script re write on jan 3. so i have to figure out how many refills i have and if i can make it until they can see me somewhere with his insurance because i am NOT going to continue treatment plan at Indian Rivers. like.. no. hell no. they have been a piece of shit this whole time. I had ONE therapist (over like. 7 years?) that did any good and she didnt even do much for me at all.  i got tossed from psych to psych they dont even learn our names just.. fuck that shit.

so i am waiting until january.

all i gotta figure out is if my meds will last that long.. and like... hell, the new person i see for the batshits probably wont send me home with a new med prescription on the first day so i guess i need to go to indian rivers this one last time. if they take my insurance this time it shouldn't cost $160 fucking dollars to spend 15 mins with a nurse practitioner.


any fucking ways


so all the super sexy cute outfits i had planned to wear to places this holiday season are completely worthless. and i say i could save them for next year-- but i will probably be even more fat ass cow next year i mean you get older you get fatter right. so fml. i have nothing.

i really just
stan and i need to come up with something to do for us since everything else is shit. find a concert in another town on a weekend or something. i cant just sit here i will go insane.
and i had lost weight and was hoping to lose more so i could be cute and dress nice. but fml

at least we are still going to kami-con in jan. ...i swear to go if we don't go i will flip shit. we have to do something. we had so much fun being away from the house at the Renfair when we went a week or two ago and just... i want to have that feeling more. i need to do things. i know i have anxiety but...

 hotels are soothing for me. because living here with the family i am always on edge thinking about... --- well, what are THEY thinking about. do they want the house cleaner? should i take wash the dishes is there something i haven't done that they are secretly upset about. are they annoyed by me? upset? do i disgust them? am i bothering them? and then its like... i feel like they are talking about me when i hear them in the next room and i cant make out what they say and i just know.. i fucking know its about me. about how horrible i am. and i cant.. i cant make the thought go away. i get stuck in this place.

so being away out of town or just in a hotel helps me relax on a very very deep level inside that i don't usually get to feel. because there's no way i can get away from my mind racing these paranoid thoughts about the other people in the house and what they are doing and thinking.. just
i need the time away sometimes.

thats all

so there isn't really anything happening this week... its just full stan working his job that he hates and me sitting here trying to stay sane and occupy myself with stuff. pokemon. netflix. planner. art journal.
but i cant have the next pokemon game because it cost a lot of money and i don't deserve it and we need to save money and i am really sad about this. like really really sad.

i am also sad that i cant use the pokebank to keep my pokemon i have on these other games.. because like... i named one of them about Mr.Kitty and other stuff like that. and i will never get the shiny pokemon again. they'd be stuck in sun/moon. i caught TWO shiny pokemon on my own in the wild. and that's pretty impressive, i wasn't even doing the hunting thing people do to try and get shiny pokemon. it just happened. my little Abra and Ledian. (i think thats how its spelled the lady bug that has arm and legs and shit.. idk) and i have the pokemon that Miss Lilly is named after.. on that copy of white 2 that i lost somewhere in the house and cant find but i think that is uploadable to the pokebank to so.... i would like that.... i also caught a shiny in one of those games but i don't remember if i restarted it... i hope i didn't... cause that would be cool... to have a shiny i caught on an older game.. in the new games.
ughhh
and i am hoping the god damn pokebank will connect to the nintendo switch shit and transfer because ultra sun ultra moon are the LAST pokemon games to be released on the 3ds system. they are calling it quits and moving to the switch after that. so im sure they will find a way to make this possible because they'd have a fucking million people really really really fucking upset if they just... lose their pokemon. like their gone. i hope they make this possible. idk.


i am rambling about stuff
i think i will go play pokemon now.. i haven't played all day and i don't think i played yesterday either.
=(

i hope stan is ok i am worried about him and i cant fix him and it makes me upset because i want to fix him and i cant and just.... ffffffffff. I LOVE YOU STAN YOU ARE MY ROCK I LOVE YOU




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