Thursday, October 19, 2017

I can't believe its only thursday

This is the slowest week ever.
and i have been sick since saturday night.
the head cold is almost gone... i dont get neon green yellow shit when i blow my noise anymore.
but it still makes my ears pop and theres fluid in there. i mean, dont get me wrong i'm congested as fuck but it's nowhere near as bad as it was two days ago.
my chest however... i thought it was okay because i could breath but just a few hours after bragging about that it got worse and now i have this death rattle cough. and nothing will come up at all. i can't cough this shit up. like maybe i have like.. coughed something up twice in the past four days. its just coughing and it rattles and it hurts like a son of abitch. like someone is stabbing me in the chest.

note to self: spell check isnt working right apparently oh well

anyway
an old friend that i had lost has started talking to me. apologized for being pretty much the meanest son of a bitch i have ever met in my life. and some shit. and i find myself unable to stay pissed off at this person despite knowing i have every right to be pissed the fuck off. for the rest of my life pissed off. thats how pissed off i should be. but whatever we are adults now. so i am seeing if this can be a friendship. my hopes arent very high. i dont exactly have friends. never have.

i have been stuck in the house. even if i could go anywhere (without feeling like a fat fuck and being paranoid that people are staring at me in disgust) i shouldn't because i'm sick.
we are going shopping on sunday so i guess i will go somewhere then, until then i am here trying to not sleep all day. i play pokemon but i get sleepy and i dont want to fall asleep with my 3ds on because i'm afraid i will break it in my sleep because i just have really fucking bad luck.
I watch netflix but i can only do that for so long too.
I dont have the patience to read. but then again, i havent really tired that much lately either. i guess i could do that.
i am getting antsy as fuck about getting health insurance because i am scared to death of it and excited at the same time. i keep thinking maybe things will get better. but then i keep thinking... what if i found out something really bad and it ruins my life? i could live on being oblivious and just live without worrying and having some kind of weird sickness or something hanging over my head. i have no idea wtf is going on with my health or my body i have not had a doctor in over 10 years. never have a p doc. never have a physical never had anything.
its just so much easier this way.
i'm starting to think that maybe even if i get insurance i wont use it unless i am deathly sick.
i dont even think my meds work anyway. i think its just placebo bull shit i dont feel like they are doing anything at all. so why am i still taking them?

so the only plans we have are ... going to a Renaissance fair next weekend in north alabama (florence i think it is) and we are going to stay over night.
i don't know how i will handle it. sometimes i think i will be ok.
and then there are other days where i am so disgusted with myself i dont want to get out of bed or put clothes on or bathe or eat or breathe.
i dont know how i will handle being in a place with lots of people. usually if its in an outdoor place i am okay. crowded indoor places get me really bad. my anxiety is hit or miss a lot of the time. people think that just because i dont have a panic attack one time over something that i am magically cured and can do anything without a problem. but thats not how it is. at all. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days and sometimes i can do certain things and other things i cant do i cant predict it or explain it. so theres a chance we could go to this thing and i could be scared to death to even get out of the car and do shit. so what happens then? we have wasted a trip. a weekend. wasted money. i dont have a magical pill to make it easier to handle. i dont have shit.
so while he wants to go to this renaissance fair.... and i wish i could want to go... i really dont know what i want to do because i dont know how i will handle it until we are already there.
i guess if i cant do it he can take me to the hotel and leave me there. but check in isnt until the afternoon and we will get there in the morning. so what the fuck am i going to do?
i hate myself and i hate this life and i dont understand why i have to be the one with all this bullshit problems i will never know what its like to feel normal or have a normal day or do things without being afraid or scared or upset or... i dont know. it just feels really pointless right now. all of it.
chronic mental illness is a son of a bitch and i will NEVER get rid of it.
it doesnt GO AWAY.
this is my fucking life
and i dont even know if i want to live it
but its all i fucking have

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