just so know you if your read this, i probably can tell you do because i keep track of pageloads. sitemeter.com its awesome
i made an outline last night for my blog post so i'm going to try that instead of just word vomiting brain dumping onto the keyboard screen computer thing blog site thing
(i'm also going to try and make this blog post more interesting like i used to do..... GIFS AND SHIT YALL WOOHOOO SHINY PRETTY THINGS MAKE THE SADS GO BYEBYEE... the really do sometimes for real srsly irl)
My nana has been dead for 11 days.just 11 days
time has spread out to fill up so much... things have been moving so slow... i am glad though because if it hadn't i would have felt like i was rushed through this mourning period and that would feel even worse. though not even this feels like enough. i can't begin to explain the things and reasons nana means so much to me. i am going to stop trying. i will say that one of her last wishes was to go to the beach and thats why i am so dead set on it. i told her stan and i were going (it was the last lucid day i saw her) and she made a joke about wanting to come along but couldnt because it was our wedding anniversary.
i am crying now.
Hercules died a little over a year ago and that is makes stan sad but he isn't talking about it because he knows i am so upset about my nana and i want him to read this and know that he can be sad. we can cry together. it is ok. but they are both.... herc and nana.. they were in pain. and they arent anymore. i have to keep reminding myself that... otherwise i cant handle... life.... at all
on top of this.
i am worried about pawpaw. he is living there alone. where she lived they lived she died. he slept in the recliner in the livingroom near the hospital bed the whole time. did you know that? he wouldn't sleep in his bed.
he tells us he is ok. he says he wants to go back to driving/fetching cars for the car dealership in fayette that he knows the owners and he has been doing that for years... and loves it. and now he can do it as much as he want because...... he doesnt have to worry about nana being alone..... at the house..... because she was always falling and hurting herself and.... oh ok ok stop stop stop
i am worried about mawmaw.(i have two grandparents left.... my dad's dad Ray Reynolds died when was young, pawpaw jack -mawmaw's second husband- died when i was in my early 20s... nana died just now.... i have mawmaw and pawpaw left. one from each side)
she has been having neurological issues and memory problems and i dont know... its really complicated because she was 7 kids? or 6? its 7 right? i think its 7 (can you imagine me trying to remember these things when i was growing up... lololool i have no idea how i did it!)
they are all trying to take turns taking care of her but its not working out very well and i dont know what is going to happen. they took her to the ER because they found out some test results and wanted to get that fixed up immediately and then something else went wrong so they are doing more tests... and as far as i know she has been there for almost 24 hours and they are still trying to get tests done??? =( so sad and i am so upset and i cant... my mind goes to the darkest places right now.... and all i can think of is.... what if she dies this year too? what.... if pawpaw dies? he is driving cars and he is in his 80s i mean... its scary... i get worried about stan driving to work every day... and now pawpaw driving everywhere in the southeast... and mawmaw is sick and has been for a while and they dont know whats wrong and...
just .... i am not ok
enough of that.
i have this outline i have to finish this blog post like i planned lol
TOMORROW IS OUR ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!
and we will NOT be attending the wedding of a one mr. mac and cb
she stole my wedding day. she set her date right after going to my reception. she knew what she was doing. its like girl world. mean girls shit. seriously. we are fighting without fighting. i really need to watch meangirls now... omg that will cheer me up!
so..... THE ALABAMA FOOT BALL GAME is in tuscaloosa tomorrow so we can't do the stuff we wanted to do on our anniversary and sat... the actual day---- but ok. we will wait until sunday...
dad is working with a friend saturday morning, so the idea of cooking out with pawpaw at
he should come here.... he likes to drive. and this is his land, after all. its his home. its his Tara. he will do anything to keep it.
so we will do something saturday (tomorrow) just dont know what?
we are going to Hokkaido (i love this place because i get to SEE THEM COOK MY FOOD. it is so very soothing for my eating disorder and ocd and anxiety to be able to see what happens to what i'm about to eat. how much butter how much oil how much this and that. i know i cant tell them to cook it differently but i can atleast SEE and KNOW and adjust how much of it i eat so i dont gain ALL THE WEIGHT AND POUNDS BACK IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (take home boxes are awesome)
THEN we are going to see the most recently Stephen King movie.... "It" which is going to scare the hell out of Stan but he says he is determined to go. if he changes his mind---- they are still showing Gunslinger and he saw that with my dad and not me and i havent seen it... so i can offer that up if he seems to scared of the clown............
we might do some shopping almost on sunday i dont know
(HURRICANE IRMA REALLY REALLY UPSETS ME AND HAS MADE THIS MONTH EVEN HARDER THAN I SHOULD COULD WOULDVE BEEN. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE.... CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR? -- ENDING UP WITH NANA DYING.... THE ONE THING I HAD TO LOOK FORWARD TO WAS GOING TO THE BEACH WITH MY HUSBAND.... AND HERE COMES MOTHER EFFING IRMA BUSTIN UP IN HERE WITH HERE CAT 5 BS. THAT JUST AINT GONNA FLY. SHE WILL NOT RUIN MY VACATION. I GAVE UP AT FIRST AND THOUGHT WE WOULD STAY AT HOME BUT.... NAYYYYYY!!!!!! WE ARE GOING TO GO SOMEWHERE DAMN IT!)
anniversary trip sept 18-21st
but because of IIIIIIIRMAAAAAA we might not get to go to PCB. i have made peace with that on the fact that it will be there and i can go there later and talk to God and nana on the beach at sunset or sunrise or anytime with the beach nana loved the beach and god is in everything the ocean feels so spiritual for me.. idk
IF we cant go to pcb we will try orange beach/gulf shores
which is close to places we went before. so we have places we know we like to go and so much more that we didnt get to do and... yeah. just getting a beach front room is the thing. its kind of the most important thing right now. i was ready to cave and get anything if we could just go... but stan said he really wants beach front. so i want beach front even more and dont feel bad about wanting it lol
if all beaches are off we have talked about new orleans or some place in tennessee or i dont know... there is no telling. we could honestly just pick a town and get a room for three days and go... i dont think it would matter... but it would be nice to go to PCB. or the beach in general. or if not that... new orleans... or something
in other news i had the anxiety attack from hell yesterday while waiting for mom and dad to come back from picking up mawmaw and bringing her here. i spent 30 mins trying to do the eye mascara on JUST THE BOTTOM EYELASHES OF MY LEFT EYE
i am not joking
i was shaking so bad i kept messing it up
over and over and over and over andover and over and over
like i even took breaks and checked up on stuff and came back and tried again and still the shaking and messing up and eventually.... by the end of the day.. i have about 849340932 coats of mascara on. idek.
and then i left the house by myself. which was good. and bad. like always. i enjoy the freedom but i hate being looked at when i'm alone. and people really make me nervous....
i have noticed here lately that i talk when i get nervous???? i dont think that is the normal for me--- i think its a bipolar mania manic plus anxiety thing. becase if i'm normal or depressed and anxious i dont talk i just shut down
so here again--- hard to get people to take you seriously about anxiety when you have another mental illness that its symptoms over rides it sometimes and yeah... the cluster fuck of mental illness is the bane of many many many peoples existance. it part of why nana never got better.... she had a different doctor for everything... sigh nobody was telling the other what they were doing and blah blah blah
cant think abou it right now cant do it wont do it wont do it cant do it nope
this is a really long post so i'm going to stop and add some GIFSSSSSS to make it happy looking and post. i should check the word count on this thing because hot diggity damn i type a lot really fast- even when i havent used an actual keyboard in a really long time.
maybe i should get some typing data entry job that i dont have to talk to people at... i wish i could find that. i could do that.. just typing in shit all day... i i could do that... i'm good at that look at it i can type this is all good right lmao okokok i am being funny because i really am sad and i want to cry and scream and throw things but i have to put my big girl panties on. no time for mourning anymore. life goes on. etc etc. maybe someday i will get away and have time to myself to just sob uncontrollably. someday