Saturday, September 2, 2017

More funeral update and such

So it's Saturday.......Tuesday night mom told me to stop crying because it was "upsetting her dad" so I have been waiting until it's "CONVENIENT" for her to let myself cry and mourn...
My cousins from Louisiana showed up Wednesday. I have a million people and one things in common with my cousin Kelleye. It's like... I feel like i have missed out on a really important relationship that would have been helpful for me over the years. But atleast I can have it now.
The wake was Wednesday night... I cried a good bit. Mom couldn't really stop me once we were there. Nana looked beautiful. She looked so dried up when she died in the hospital bed in the house. I have no idea how they got her so healthy looking. I could only look at her once or twice. It was too much for me. I couldn't breathe when I looked at her.
The funeral was Thursday. I did not really cry. I vomited in my mouth and had to swallow it. I couldn't walk straight I was shaking so bad. I couldn't breathe. I keep thinking it's a bad dream and I will wake up..... Any moment now I will wake up and it will all have been... Not real.

I guess that's the only way I've been able to hold back from completely breaking down. Pretending it's a bad dream.

I ate so much between the day nana died and this morning. The scale says I gained 10 lbs. I don't know how much of that is real weight gain. How much is water retention weight. And how much is weight from my not pooping. Hopefully it's a mix of poop and water weight. And not so much the real weight. But knowing my luck I will have gained a lot of weight. And this will ruin my vacation to the beach.

I have no positive thoughts right now.
I thought I would are collage today in my art journal but I keep procrastinating. I put makeup on for no reason and I dunno what else.

I have been irritable all fuckin day and I don't give two fucks. I just want everybody to leave me alone so I can be miserable and wallow in my misery for a day or two.
But today I haven't been able to. I slept until almost 11am but that was not enough. I need more sleep and more time laying in bed and staring at the wall and then i can art journal.

Tomorrow I have to do A buttload of laundry. All my laundry from staying at pawpaw and nana's... (Though I guess I should say just pawpaws now..........)

And all of Stan's laundry from the week. I need to make a shopping list for general stuff...... And a shopping list for stuff for the beach trip.

I have A good bit of yogurt in the freezer since I wasn't here to eat it all up.
And I have most of my tuna and pita chips. And pretzel crisps.

I need to take my ass into the kitchen and clean up after the family like I usually do. They are expecting things to go back to normal... I'm not ready to move on and go back to normal but I dont have a say really. I have to conform to my mother's wants and keep my feelings and sadness hidden. And just be sad in my own time in my room when the rest of the day is over.

Everybody is watching football (Alabama football fanatics) and I am sitting here in the living room eating my frozen yogurt (because I have already had too many calories earlier today to eat their hot wings and rotel dip and cookies etc)

And yeah...just Gonna Eat my yogurt. AndbJust gonna do the dishes. And go to bedroom to hide away from all the fucking noise and yelling and loud talking. I hate loud people. It's made worse by the hardwood floors here... Everything just echos lol

I hope I can art collage before Stan gets in bed. I would feel bad keeping the light on to do it while he sleeps.
So. I guess I need to stop this and go do my dish duty.

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