Thursday, August 17, 2017

Today is Thursday, right?

Literally I took a day off from the world. I took TWO deep rock asleep naps💤💤 today. I just stopped fighting my drowsiness and let myself sleep.

I never ever do that. Because it makes me feel lazy and useless and. Non-productive. But I have a lot going on lately so I let myself rest. I even stopped myself from jumping up and taking over when I realized my dad was.... Sweeping the floor! Le gasp! How dare he lift a finger that is women's work.
I literally was confused i was like "what.... What are you doing?".. And he was like "I'm...... Sweeping the floor?"
And I thought for a second and almost got up to stop him... And stopped myself. Because maybe HE wanted to help. And why should I take that away from him if he decided to do it of his own free will? Plus I know I don't do a lot of housework but I do usually sweep... but I also have been under a lot of emotional stress lately.
Maybe I should take a day? So I did?

The latest news on my nana is that she is sleeping 24/7 or almost. We can't get her to the bedside potty so we have switched to diapers. Which I know must be a big jab to her pride. Because while she can't really communicate with us very well I know her mind is still functional because well.. I just know. and I can tell she is there mentally but the ability to turn thoughts to words is very compromised.

I was sat with her Monday and Wednesday... On Wednesday my mom came up there too because pawpaw had a doctor's appointment and it takes two people to take care of her usually. Nana had a pretty bad day Wednesday (yesterday)... My mom just got home today and I heard her say that things were a bit better today.
Last night I broke down crying because It sunk in that I will never get a chance to have a proper conversation with her again. The time came and passed and when it happened I didn't realize that it would be the last time so I didn't say everything I wanted to say.
And now it's too late.
Maybe I can whisper in her ear when she is half awake but I would want to be alone when I did it because it's private and I don't want anybody else there. It just hurts. It hurts in a way I can't explain to anyone. That I wasted so God damn much time all these years. I can't forgive myself I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. I don't think I deserve it.

So like I said today I had a day off and I should have spent it Journaling about things and looking up coping methods for loss and things I can do to try and make this more bearable. But my lazy ass slept all day. I yet again... Can do nothing right.

I feel like i am neglecting Stan and it is tearing me into two pieces and I can't..... Make decision on who gets my attention right now. I feel stuck and helpless and useless to both nana and Stan because I feel like my attention is split. Stan is in a lot of physical pain and I can't fix it and i can't stop nana from dying and I can't make Stan's job not suck ass. And I just can't do any thing I can't stop Or control anything except myself and my body and what I do with it and what I eat. Or don't eat.

Tomorrow I would be sitting with nana but her sister can only be available on Friday this week so we are letting her do tomorrow and I will go Saturday. That gives me Sunday to do laundry and watch TV with Stan and spend time with him. I usually would have had sat and sun but it's ok. They need me.
On Sunday mom and Krista will go up there. And I go back again on Monday.

We so dont know how long this is going to last. Yesterday it seemed like it might happen next week but I am listening to my mom on the phone now and apparently she did really good today.

Stan just got home. And he is in a fuck ton of pain.. 😞

I am going to attempt to eat and then take my meds and go to bed.

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