Tuesday, August 29, 2017

My nana has passed away....

Monday

Nana passed away at 12:31am this monday morning. Mom can up here to nana and pawpaw that night (Sunday night) around 10pm. And I was stupid and did not come with her when she asked me if I wanted to. I feel like a fucking horrible piece of shit for not being here.
I wanted to get a sleep and shower.
So when I found out I got a shower at 2 or 3 am or whenever it was and I packed up and came here.

I have no cell phone service at their house so I have to type off line and upload when I go outside to get messages.

I gathered flower petals from nanas yard garden to press into my journal and ran out of tape and had a serious breakdown and couldn't stop sobbing. Mom said there would be other flower but I dont want those from funeral arrangements i want the ones she grew in her yard and brought to life. The ones she fed with fertilizer and water and sun. They were hers and I need them. i used to take photos of them and try to sketch them in my art journal.

I was made to eat a lean cuisine panini that was in the fridge. It was nana's... I ate most of it. Other than that that i had a vanilla pudding cup (100 cals) and yogurt (90 cals)... The panini was like.. 350. Idk.

I tried to get everybody to go to sleep last night so I could go to sleep. And cry. And when I did my mom came in the bedroom and bitches me out like "do you want to make my dad more upset?" pawpaw was sleeping across the hallway... And i was like just... Back off. Leave me alone. I will wait and cry next week when I am at home and it's convenient for you.
I'm sorry I am emotional about this but she doesn't understand the bond nana and I had because of the mental illness we shared. She can't even begin to comprehend. And i can't be upset with her about it because how is she supposed to know when she has never experienced these things?

So I am just really really fucking frustrated and torn and I can't talk about it or feel it openly. So I am writing in my journal constantly. I went ahead and bought another journal while they are available and and cheap... (hot pink thick paper black elastic to keep closed)

I bought a for a shirt for today and tomorrow because I only have ratty tank tops here to wear.

Mom and dad and pawpaw left me here alone while they went and picked out a casket and flowers and got a hairstylist booked and idk what else I have never been through this before.
Only one person came by the house while they were gone and it was someone I knew.
However I had to answer the house phone..... I do not answer phones. Especially other people's. And I don't know who is calling. Big huge anxiety attack issue there. I was shaking and couldn't breathe and had to sit down and i was so sweaty that I had to towel off.
But I answered the phone three times... I explained why I was talking so nervous and jittery and everyone seemed to understand and even though I felt like a fucking fool for having to make excuses for myself I got the job done. I took the messages and notes.
I tidied up the living room and dining room. I made the beds because nobody else does that apparently. I tired to make things look nice because we thought people would come by. But so far no one has come by. And the only people who have brought Kentucky fried chicken and sweets. Lol

Today I ate a pint of halotop ice cream (chocolate chips cookies dough) and was like... 320 cals? Then I had a serving of white cheddar cheeze-its (150 cals)
And half an apple pie turn over... Which was probably 200 cals.

So. I'm definitely getting to my stopping point on my food intake for the day it's 3:23pm on Tuesday btw. I am typing this off line so I just wanted to make the time clear.

We are expecting at least one person to come by... I am typing this and about to journal or read my book.
That's all for now

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all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...