Sunday, August 6, 2017

Massive update while I have the time to do it

So.. Long story short: my nana has brain cancer and... She has checked out of hospital a month ago AMA (against medical advice). And she is having none of the typical weekly brain scans to see how things are progressing.
My nana is also bipolar, schizophrenic, and was bulimic when she was younger. She is very special to me for many reasons. Like my mom recently stated - "she treated you (me) more like a daughter than  she ever did me(mom)".. And I guess that's true. A lot of my early memories are with her. From 3-5 years old I mean. I don't know how I can remember these things but can't remember what I was doing 5 years ago. (bipolar is funny like that i guess)

(random note: I had typed out half of this entry and I lost it somehow. Tragic. So this is my second go around on trying to get this out there.)

Aside from the memories of childhood.... Nana knew what was going on when my bipolar symptoms started. I was living with them at the time. and she knew. She knew because she had been there herself. She knew I needed help.
She got pawpaw to pay for me to see a psychiatrist (i had no insurance) because the mental health clinic in their town couldn't see me for another month (!!!! Seriously how is that OK. They are supposed to be where the low income people can go for help. Something seriously bad could have happened in that month of waiting and that shit is... Just not right on so many levels)
So the bill for seeing this psychiatrist was quite high. And the medicine he prescribed was too. They paid for that too.
This was to get me some kind of help as I waited on the damn mental health clinic to "find time" to see me-- a 23 year old having her first manic psychosis episode of what would be a really.... Really crazy next few years -- and of course the damn clinic changes my medicine immediately. And if you don't know it takes approximately a month for the medications for bipolar and depression and such to really start working. So before I even knew what the first pill cocktail would or wouldn't work... I've got some bozo half ass doctor at a clinic changing everything. And obviously it didn't work because I stayed manic/hypomanic for a few months.

Wow I got off on a tangent.. What I meant to say was nana was there for me in a time of serious life changing events. Even though we fought a lot (part of mania is irritability).. She knew what was happening.

We have both apologized for being mean to each other. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me. And she was going through her own struggles too (as she suffers from mental health issues also)

I have sat with her three times so far. One time was all day and night until the next afternoon (I slept for one hour lol) I wasn't tired at all (such is the bipolar life lol) and when I did I immediately had the feeling that our time with her was being cut shorter and shorter. I felt it in my soul. A deep stirring of emotion and feelings. I could not get mom to understand this until the hospice nurse came and assessed the situation and told her straight forwardly. Mom was in denial... She didn't want it to be happening. Especially not in August (the month she, Gordon, and pawpaw were all born) but it's looking like that might and very well may be the case.

So with that being said.... Nana went severely down hill (which is what prompted hospice nurse to tell mom that it was getting close to time).. ...she could not stand up on her own. Had to be physically put on the bedside porta John. We had to feed her her meds and her food. And the issue that caused most of it was her meds (though we know now there is definitely some deterioration of her ability to do things because of the brain cancer) . The last adjustment in her medicine was a red flag for the pharmacist filling her medicine prescriptions... And he told mom. The stuff she was taking all at the same time is like a tranquilizer. Very strong sedative when combined. When mom told me what she was on I knew instantly what was wrong. But I had not previously been in the know of things so there was no way I could have caught this sooner.
We had the hospice nurse check with the hospice doctor man and he agreed and told mom to give her the meds she thinks she needs and leave out the rest. So we did that.
In a day (given time for her body to readjust) she was better able to interact with us and form sentences. Still needs help walking but she can walk if we hold her to make sure she doesn't fall. Because that's what got started them thinking something was wrong in the first place... She was falling down all the time and hurting herself. More than Normal. They did those brain scans and found mets lesions on her brain. And when she found out she pretty much said to herself "it's time for me to go." or something because... She has been surprisgly okay about things. She has always felt a connection to her family members that had passed on before her and she wants to see them on the other side. Her sister (my great aunt Alice) died earlier this year (or was it last year? I can't remember... Another issue with my mental illness lol) and she was asking when Alice was coming back. She asked it a lot. I think she can feel it coming. In her soul.

So they decided what to do for her end of life care. And the decision was made to keep her at the house. So a hospital bed with railings and adjustable back and legs settings came in (it was so amazing lol or I was easily Impressed)
So that being said.. Mom has found a sitter/care giver for the night time hours. And during the day we will alternate between me, mom and Krista (lol bros fiancée) and Margaret (her sister.... Whom we do not really like but.. Its  her sister she has a right to be with her)

Right now this week... Mom is doing Sunday (today) so I can have my day with Stan to do laundry. On Monday I am getting up early around 4am and shower and heading back Nana's house. And i will be there until the sitter comes in the evening..
I will go back again on Wednesday. Again - very early and staying all day. We don't know yet who is going to be there Tuesday or Thursday... Or Friday or any time after that. We have to schedule things with Margaret and that is going to be difficult because of the bad feels my mom and pawpaw have towards her.
But during the weekdays on the work week I am pretty much good to go for it. I don't work and Stan is gone to work... The only thing is that I will probably get home after he does in the evening. And I may leave before he does in the morning. Which feels all kinds of wrong because I'm a house wife lolol. But these are special Times.

As for my last post... I was in a very dark place. So much had fallen on me in such a short amount of time. And I just broke. Couldn't handle it. I am still getting over it. Not okay with it.

So there.
That's that. I am falling asleep typing this so I will stop now

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