Sunday, August 13, 2017

Laundry Sunday


So I can't remember (without looking) what day I updated last. So let's just start with Friday the 11th ....
Friday I got up at 5am and got dressed and went to fayette.... Stopped by Walmart and then went to nana and pawpaws house to sit with Nana.
Nana had good and bad moments off and on all day. She seemed to forget where she was and who we were for a bit and she was really mean to me but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she had no idea it was me she was interacting with. And that's OK. She can't help that at all. And just an hour or so later (after a short nap) she woke up and saw me and was so happy to see me and told me how much she loves me and that she will always love me. I told her I had been there with her all day, because I know she didn't remember. But she is so clever and prideful that she was all like "of COURSE I remember" lol.. Anyways. She keeps taking her oxygen off her face and fighting us when we put it back on. She takes it off and asks for a cigarette but we can't let her because she is trying to get pneumonia and we are fighting to keep it from happening... She is on antibiotics and expectorant and we try to get her to do an albeuteral breathing treatment but she fights us on that too.
We have been having trouble getting her to eat and Friday she was lucid enough to tell us she was having acid reflux so bad and her food was coming back up (which happens to me too I know exactly what she is talking about) so we are going to get the hospice doctor to approve her being back on prilosec. She ate a few bites of scrambled eggs but some of it came back up. Pawpaw got her to eat a big bowl full of vanilla ice cream. She only eats a lot if pawpaw feeds her.... Which is precious because they have not shown each other much affection in the past few years. So that is really kind of a big deal. 💑

I came home Friday (it was mom's birthday btw.) dad cooked dinner🍴 and I know it was awesome (he made lasagna) but I couldn't eat it without having a panic attack... Because there's no way I can calculate the calories and food nutrition for it. So I ate two cans of Tuna 🐟(which is, btw, a metric fuck ton of tuna lol) and pita chips.

On Saturday Stan and I stayed at home all day. Watched some Game of Thrones.. I was sleepy all day. I ate some of my pizza🍕 for dinner and I ate a pint of ice-cream🍦 (low cal protein infused ice cream) and watched Game of Thrones... Then went to bed.
Slept all night. Stan told me this morning that I talked in my sleep a lot last night.
I woke up around 7 and talked to mom and Krista before they left for fayette to go watch nana. Dad will go to church to give pawpaw company there.
Stan and I are going to the grocery store at 11...to get yogurt, tuna, pita chips. Maybe ice cream🍦 if he feels like being nice and doing that for me so I don't waste all my money on ice cream... 😑

I have to do laundry today. And pack up for tomorrow.
Stan gets the bedroom and TV at 8 pm because Game of Thrones comes on. Lol

I am trying to decide if I want to go by the store before I go to nana and pawpaw house tomorrow morning. I think i need to because I need to restock my ice cream at their house. They have two gallon things of bluebell but it has too many calories... Like way way too many.

So anyway it's 8am and I am going to start some laundry and eat a yogurt and play Pokémon for a bit because I haven't done that in a while. And go to grocery store at 11.

Not much else I can talk about here. Other stuff that's happened is private matters and I can't talk about it to anybody or anywhere. But it's something that has me really depressed and upset with myself and I don't know what to do about it. At all. I feel useless and hopeless and worthless and broken. Really mostly broken. And there's no glue to put me back together.

Idk.
I gotta go do stuff now.

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all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...