So I thought maybe I could make a blog entry tonight about how it felt to sit with my nana today. As I have mentioned she has brain cancer and we don't know how long she has. And they have asked me to sit with her a few days a week to give pawpaw a break... And it cheers her up too. And I need this time with her because I feel like I just have to let her know that I understand her more than anyone else (because of mental illness)...
But any fucking way😡..... all those feels from that stuff earlier just got shoved to the side because apparently I have been horrible wife all this time and SOMEBODY never told me.😟 Even though I ask him to tell me things straight up. So here I am... Feeling like a piece of shit💩 because I failed to do some of the simplest most basic things a person should do. And I didn't even realize i was doing (or not doing in this case) it. So I sit here and wonder.... Well what the hell else have i been doing wrong that he hasn't told me? And also if I'm missing doing this basic simple thing then God knows what other big fuck ups I'm making all the god damn time and have no clue I'm doing it.
Like my brain is in over drive 😵😵😵trying to figure out all the horrible things I must have done and not known. And I want to fix it but I can't because it's already happened.???
And I can't try and prove myself as good until these things come up again and there is no telling when that will be.
I have to stop asking for things all the time. Stan is tired of getting me things on the way home from work and apparently I haven't be properly showing my appreciation of him doing it. And I didn't even realize it. So.... Now I have to sit here and think back about all the times I have asked him to get me things and wonder if I should even have been asking at all. I should have not needed anything. I shouldn't need. ❌❌❌i definitely don't deserve anything. I know that. I've always known that. But I guess maybe I got caught up in life happening and forgot the basic truth that haunts me and has always haunted me... Its the reason I keep going back to my eating disorder and isolating myself:
I am worthless waste of space and resources and I need not ask for things because they are better off given to someone else who is worthwhile. And my very asking for things is an annoyance. I should not need.
Now that I am going to be sitting with my nana a few days a week.... And they are going to pay me. I can do shit for myself and stop needing Stan. (i was always worried all this time that he would be annoyed by my needy ness and hot diggity damn I am RIGHT)
I am just pathetic and needy and demanding and bossy. I didn't know I was... Or was doing it. But I was, So now I will have to make my own way and not ask for things anymore and if I don't have money or gas I will just stay home and be without. Same💩 shit different day in a sense. I just have to shut the fuck up 🤐about it so I'm not a whiney piece of needy demanding bossy shit.
As bad as I was feeling about myself... Could this have come at a better time? God is trying to push ALL my buttons AT Once. ☹️ he wants me to kill myself... i am starting to think God is teasing me and goading me into wanting to die so badly that I actually kill myself. Why would he keep piling on the shit💩 if he didn't get some kind of sick satisfaction from it.
📣📣📣News flash: God watches our pain and misery and is getting off on it. All the time. That's why it keeps coming. Obviously.
So I'm sitting here in bed. Stan is asleep (thank God. I was worried he wouldn't sleep because he was so pissed off at me) and I have been crying for three or four hours. And I wrote in my journal and now I'm blogging and.... I made notes of things to try and do and not do to be a better wife and I just need to be perfect. I have to be perfect. Trophy🏆 wife life. Have to be perfect. 💯So I am going to put on the happy mask 😁and do it all. I can handle this.
I can handle.... nana dying and dad with no job and my brother sick and Stan getting shat on at work and mom going insane trying to get nana and pawpaw sorted and I can't see a therapist and my anxiety is so bad I just give up on shit before I even start... and the only way I know to cope is starve myself. And even that is giving me problems because apparently if I eat just 300 calories more for one day I gain 4 lbs magically out of nowhere and really... Really that was the topper on the shit flavored cake 🎂today: all this happened and I was hoping the one thing I could control would be there and nope. Fuck you tabitha. You're a fucking fat ass piece of shit. As usual. So here I am.
Laying in bed fucking whining about my life on a blog that no one fucking reads save for my husband and when he reads it he gets pissed at me because I say things that he doesn't want me to say. So there I go again being a shitty ass wife. I'm just a piece of shit wife I don't know why he is even here with me.
And yeah.... my blog is one of the only places I can vent. That and my journal which.. Let me tell you. My journal is full of insanity and madness and batshit crazy because I have nowhere else to put these thoughts without a therapist.
Blogging and my Alt Instagram account and my journal are the only things keeping me sane right now.
And now ladies and gentlemen I bid you good night.
I will not be sleeping.
I have a killer headache but I don't want to take anything for it because I deserve to be in pain because I am a worthless piece of shit.
So here I am.
Might get on Pinterest and collect depressing stuff on one of my private boards that nobody can see.