Monday, July 31, 2017

Today... Of all the days... Just ... Fml

So I thought maybe I could make a blog entry tonight about how it felt to sit with my nana today. As I have mentioned she has brain cancer and we don't know how long she has. And they have asked me to sit with her a few days a week to give pawpaw a break... And it cheers her up too. And I need this time with her because I feel like I just have to let her know that I understand her more than anyone else (because of mental illness)...

But any fucking way😡..... all those feels from that stuff earlier just got shoved to the side because apparently I have been  horrible wife all this time and SOMEBODY never told me.😟 Even though I ask him to tell me things straight up. So here I am... Feeling like a piece of shit💩 because I failed to do some of the simplest most basic things a person should do. And I didn't even realize i was doing (or not doing in this case) it. So I sit here and wonder.... Well what the hell else have i been doing wrong that he hasn't told me? And also if I'm missing doing this basic simple thing then God knows what other big fuck ups I'm making all the god damn time and have no clue I'm doing it.
Like my brain is in over drive 😵😵😵trying to figure out all the horrible things I must have done and not known. And I want to fix it but I can't because it's already happened.???
And I can't try and prove myself as good until these things come up again and there is no telling when that will be.

I have to stop asking for things all the time. Stan is tired of getting me things on the way home from work and apparently I haven't be properly showing my appreciation of him doing it. And I didn't even realize it. So.... Now I have to sit here and think back about all the times I have asked him to get me things and wonder if I should even have been asking at all. I should have not needed anything. I shouldn't need. ❌❌❌i definitely don't deserve anything. I know that. I've always known that. But I guess maybe I got caught up in life happening and forgot the basic truth that haunts me and has always haunted me... Its the reason I keep going back to my eating disorder and isolating myself:

I am worthless waste of space and resources and I need not ask for things because they are better off given to someone else who is worthwhile. And my very asking for things is an annoyance. I should not need.

And anyway

Now that I am going to be sitting with my nana a few days a week.... And they are going to pay me. I can do shit for myself and stop needing Stan. (i was always worried all this time that he would be annoyed by my needy ness and hot diggity damn I am RIGHT)
I am just pathetic and needy and demanding and bossy. I didn't know I was... Or was doing it. But I was,  So now I will have to make my own way and  not ask for things anymore and if I don't have money or gas I will just stay home and be without. Same💩 shit different day in a sense. I just have to shut the fuck up 🤐about it so I'm not a whiney piece of needy demanding bossy shit.

As bad as I was feeling about myself... Could this have come at a better time? God is trying to push ALL my buttons AT Once. ☹️ he wants me to kill myself... i am starting to think God is teasing me and goading me into wanting to die so badly that I actually kill myself. Why would he keep piling on the shit💩 if he didn't get some kind of sick satisfaction from it.

📣📣📣News flash: God watches our pain and misery and is getting off on it. All the time. That's why it keeps coming. Obviously.

So I'm sitting here in bed. Stan is asleep (thank God. I was worried he wouldn't sleep because he was so pissed off at me) and I have been crying for three or four hours. And I wrote in my journal and now I'm blogging and.... I made notes of things to try and do and not do to be a better wife and I just need to be perfect. I have to be perfect. Trophy🏆 wife life. Have to be perfect. 💯So I am going to put on the happy mask 😁and do it all. I can handle this.

I can handle.... nana dying and dad with no job and my brother sick and Stan getting shat on at work and mom going insane trying to get nana and pawpaw sorted and I can't see a therapist  and my anxiety is so bad I just give up on shit before I even start... and the only way I know to cope is starve myself. And even that is giving me problems because apparently if I eat just 300 calories more for one day I gain 4 lbs magically out of nowhere and really... Really that was the topper on the shit flavored cake 🎂today: all this happened and I was hoping the one thing I could control would be there and nope. Fuck you tabitha. You're a fucking fat ass piece of shit. As usual. So here I am.

Laying in bed fucking whining about my life on a blog that no one fucking reads save for my husband and when he reads it he gets pissed at me because I say things that he doesn't want me to say. So there I go again being a shitty ass wife. I'm just a piece of shit wife I don't know why he is even here with me.

And yeah.... my blog is one of the only places I can vent. That and my journal which.. Let me tell you. My journal is full of insanity and madness and batshit crazy because I have nowhere else to put these thoughts without a therapist.
Blogging and my Alt Instagram account and my journal are the only things keeping me sane right now.

And now ladies and gentlemen I bid you good night.
I will not be sleeping.
I have a killer headache but I don't want to take anything for it because I deserve to be in pain because I am a worthless piece of shit.

So here I am.
Might get on Pinterest and collect depressing stuff on one of my private boards that nobody can see.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

The shit show is live streaming right here folks. Grab your popcorn.

This week has been a shit show.
I can't even start to detail all the things that are fucked up right now.

I am seriously questioning my belief in a higher power of ANY kind at all. And not even karma... Because There is no reason for this shit.
I spent 80% of today crying. I was going to work on  Stan and mine one year anniversary book for our trip to the beach in September. But i had to put it away because I couldn't fucking look at it or handle thinking of it after what has happened today and yesterday and this past week. And since December of last year even. So much wrong. Happening to people who don't deserve it at all. Where is the loving God we all worship where is he now. He has left us to rot on  earth. Alone. With no one out there watching and keep tabs and making good things happen to good people and bad  things happen to bad people. we are his failed science experiment. He left us in the lab and walked out to do something else that he thought was worth his time. Maybe if the human race wasn't so pathetic and fighting and killing and if we could get along and live in light... Maybe then God would have stayed and took care of us. But no. He is gone.
I think he is. I am holding onto a small sliver of hope buried deep in my soul that something really amazing is coming and these troubles are so we can appreciate the good even more when  it gets here. If it ever gets here. If.

I have relapsed big time on my eating disorder. I haven't eaten more than  1000 calorie a day since July 10th. And when I say that I mean in the 700s or less most days. I couldn't finish my dinner tonight I had to throw it away. I ate two cartons of yogurt and one serving of pretzel crisps and 3/4th a cup of hamburger helper cheese Mac. But didn't eat the noodles part mostly just the meat.
I'm not even hungry anymore. I dont feel it. I feel nothing physically. All my feels are emotional and they are over whelming and all over the place. I am sad and depressed and anxious and mad and pissed and livid and irritable and more sad and empty but not empty. I am crawling inside my own skin with feels that I can't express because they would be violent and hurt me. Or someone else. Or break things. I cry because it's like a pressure valve release on my feels.. The kettle is whistling and boiling something has to let some steam out or it will explode.

With all that is going fucking wrong and side ways these past few days. Weeks. Months.... I am feeling helpless and I want to fix these things so the people I love can  be happy and I can't fix it. I can't control it. It is out of my hands... But the one thing. The. One. Thing. I can control is my food and my body and that is the only thing keeping me sane. It's sick and wrong that it's a sickness in and of itself that is keeping me held together with tape and glue.
I need a therapist. Desperately. Like. Really fucking bad. I need a psychiatrist who can actually write prescription for anxiety medications that work. Because this buspar and Lamictal is not doing shit I don't care what the fuck that piece of shit nurse practitioner at Indian Rivers says. As soon as November gets here and I can get insurance I am going for down there to Indian River to personally tell them what a piece of shit place they are. I have been going there for over 5 years and they have "dropped the ball" on me over and over and over. In various different ways. And I want them to know that they are the very last place on God's green earth that I would recommend anyone going to because chances are they are just going to fuck you over a million fucking times.

The only Reason we can even afford to put me on Stan's insurance is that we moved in with my parents and have been able to save money. And with the news of what happen today... About salary stuff at APR. Stan does the job of 3 or 4 people at every single day. And they just shit on him every chance they get.
It took all my self control to not drive into town and go up there and tell these people what pieces of disgusting filthy shit they are.
I did not do it because Stan would get. I trouble. But mark my words the second Stan has another job and we are out the door I am going to write them a beautiful eloquent letter full of rage and anger and every single thing ever that has happened to have this shit storm is going to be thrown in their face. Or. Something. Anything. Idek. As long as I get some kind of last "fuck you" in I will be satisfied.

I can't even remember what I started writing about when I startes this blog post.

My nana has brain cancer and could die any day and dad has no job and my brother is sick and will be for the rest of his life and must uncle Wayne died in a freak accident and Stan is in pain all day everyday and there is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I can do about it. But I take it out on myself I don't know how to separate my feelings from the people around me and it's all things just want to fix with magic wand and I can't. I can't control it but I can control my food.

So that is that bitches. Good day. Good night. Burn the world to the ground just to have a light to see in the darkness.
💔💔💔😖😔😭🔫🔪💣💊🚬🕯️☠️⚰️🗯️🎭🐖🐷🐳🐋🍴🍽️⚡☔🌪️🌀🌚🌑🚽🔚🔚🔚🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥💩💩💩💩💩💩💩

Monday, July 24, 2017

It's monday... another week starting

the weekend passed without any events. we took a weekend off from the world in a sense.
this week we hope to hear from the pensacola job. and we hope it's good news.
i am praying. hard.

I am asking stan to go to walmart for me to get some thing from the pharmacy so i can use my money to go see my Nana in fayette again. I need to see her every week if i can. i don't know how many more weeks she has.

okay stan isnt going into work today he isnt feeling well.
so he will have to go tomorrow to the pharmacy.
not sure whats made him sick.

i was going to take a laxative today because its been a week since i've pooped.
but idk if i will do that if we are going to be fighting over the bathroom today lol

so other than the hoping for a phone call and seeing my nana i don't really think anything is happening this week.
two of my friends have birthdays--- one of them is Jess and the other is Martin.

i've been playing pokemon silver and its making me pretty happy. though i tend to get drowsy when i play it.
I finished the elite four in Sun and now I have to do the post game quests ....if i want to. i kind of want to go back through the game and catch any pokemon i missed or go shiny hunting. or just catch wondertrade foder and sit on wondertrade all day.
i wont be able to watch tv beacuse stan is here and that is ok. i CAN watch netflix on my chromebook though so that is fine.

i should finish the necklace i started last week with the shell chips. and start the milky quartz chipped gemstone necklace (i want to pick out the beads that are mostly clear and use those for a separate piece though ... there seems to be a few of them and that would give me two pieces from one batch of stuff to upcycle.)


so today i will either do these things or take care of my husband. maybe try to do both.

i might shower today. or wait until tomorrow. i'm not sure.

nothing to really talk about. its been really quiet here.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

today was the hardest day

I went to visit my nana today... she has terminal brain cancer. and they dont know how long she will be alive. they are just letting it run its course.

when i got there she didnt even recognize me.
she thought i was a nurse or someone from hospice.
she asked me "have you been here before"
i thought she was joking.... but she didnt recognize me.
when she did she got really happy. and she stayed mostly happy the time i was there.
she did the "look at my house and see what stuff you want to take when i die thing" and i started sobbing. and i had to hold back because it just... i cant let her see me like that.
i told her before i left about some of the memories i have... the PRICE IS RIGHT COME ON DOWN play thing we did. her petting my head rubbing my ear while i sat in her lap until i fell asleep. wearing pawpaws big white tshirts as nighties. she said those were precious memories. that she couldn't believe i remembered but i do. i do. and i will never forget. there are other things... we slept in the same bed when i was staying over there (and we did the dutch oven fart under the covers things lmao). and we would giggle and play under the covers like kids. i remember her giving me baths in the bathtub (i was allergic to this one soap they tried to use. i remember it made me break out in a rash) i remember playing with an old telephone that had the handle ear piece and sat on a desk and pretending to call people. i remember eating plain vanilla ice cream in big huge plastic bowls while we watched tv. and we always ordered a pepperoni thin crust pizza from pizza hut. and then we would freeze the left overs and eat it while it was frozen like a pizza ice cream pop. she had me with banana popsicles and choc milk (couldnt say chocolate) and i was her little princess. we would go to the movie gallery and rent movies for me to watch every time i stayed there and i picked "the Little Princess" almost every single time. i have read the book. i own the movie. its part of my childhood.


anyways
she was okay today. it was a good day for her. though she doesnt know it herself... but we can see from the outside it was a good day.

i was there while the hospice nurses came in and did their thing

i said good bye and it started sobbing... and she was crying and i told her i would come visit her every week and i am going to. i have to. this is my nana. i cant... i cant even... i cant the feels are too much

.....i left and went to eat lunch with mom and pawpaw at this cafeteria type place. i got a baked chicken breast and nothing else. i couldn't eat anything else. i drove myself so on the way to the restaurant i just started sobbing and gasping for air while driving and i thank god i was able to drive to the place without wrecking i dont know how i did it but i did.
i ate my chicken and excused myself from lunch because i needed a break from the feelings. so i got in the car and went to walmart and sat in the car a while and went in eventually. got a new journal for when i finish this one for $1.88 ..got some of the equate vitamin c drops because the ones from dollar general taste funny. they used to taste fine but now they taste weird. and i got a new huge bottle of water.

i went to dollar tree and hoped theyd have wire for jewelry making but they didnt. they also didnt have any cosmetics that i was hoping to find.
i got a planner that starts in august and marshmallows (90 cals for 4) and a huge rice krispy treat. (nana used to make them for me home made when i came to visit and we would eat the whole thing... its a comfort food... but the ones they sell are never as good as home made obviously)

i took my time driving home.
(unlike on the way there. i was driving 60 most of the way)

i have bad feels and i want to lay down and rest but i needed to post this before it got away from me.

(we are still waiting to hear if stan got the job in pensacola... i hope he did. we need it badly. it would be a life changer for us. in the good way.)

my dad hasn't gotten a job but he has a prospect of one that he is hoping will pan out. until then he is making wall hangings with rusted metal and wood and wood letters that say things like "hope" "faith" "blessed" etc. he is distressing the paint and making it look old. i love my dad for these things because i can see where i get my creative artistic stuff from (other than mawmaw-- which is his mom. so same blood line)

ok i have to lay down i feel a migraine coming but i hope its just a normal headache because i dont know if i can handle a migraine right now.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Hump day post

Today is Wednesday.

On Monday my little brother got a new (to him) car🚗 and is making payment on it like an adult and I am proud of him i just hope he can keep it up and not fuck it up. I know it's hard to do. And he had a lot of other things he is going to have to set aside to have money for this but he needs the car to get to work to make the money

On Tuesday I went to town by myself (Yay go me) and stan went to Tuskegee for her story he is doing for Alabama Public Radio. 📻
I got glue sticks and  battery for my food scale. And popsicles. And chewing gum. Lol
Stan was really tired last night but he even did some work after he got back.. He went to record some sound to use with a story they are doing. So that was interesting. Like it was cool. He did the thing that the journalist news people do. He did the thing. And it was somewhere close not off in another town so it feels different. Anyway lolololol

Last night I only slept 4 hours and that feels perfect for me honestly. So we already know where this is going. I've been making art and jewelry and playing games and starting projects and not sleeping much and there we go.
The thing is my nurse practitioner that I see for my meds wanted to increase my Mood stabilizer but I couldn't afford how much it would cost. So we didn't do it. She also know that I will be getting insurance one way or another this year.
(after talking to a friend on Instagram I am half tempted to apply got disability because I know as soon as this happy is gone I will not be able get out of bed and function.. This is a chronic mental illness. It does not go away with time.. It is always going to be here forever. It is just managed by treatment of medicine💊 and therapy and counseling. Not cured.. You can't cure bipolar disorder.)

Oh anyways I got off on some Hella tangent there woooohooo 😁😵

Today I started off doing art  collage with magazines clippings (while watching Grey's Anatomy new season over again) I got to a stopping point and... My brother had what seems to me like night terror panic attacks. And he was freaking so i tried to calm him down as much as i can.
I went and got the garbage can from the end of the road. And checked the mail. And apparently I ordered the anchor bracelet AND the infinity symbol because the infinity symbol one came today. Lol I don't remember ordering the anchor one but it is OK and has meaning to me so I like it.

I'm finally feeling a little better about my bracelet Situation. I used to have so many and I have just felt Weird lately without anything.

The power went out around 1pm and came back on around 2:30pm and while it was off I did some jewelry making and that felt good.

And now I am wrapping up this so I can watch Game of Thrones (started yesterday at the beginning.. On ep 3 now)

Tonight is tacos and do not want.
Will eat Tortilla and meat.

Tomorrow I am going to fayette to visit my nana because she has brain cancer.... And i had a bad dream last night that she died before I saw her again. So I have to see her. I know she will be a mess but I love her so much anyway despite everything she does and has done because I know what it feels like to have these demons in your head that you have to fight every single day.

I know my nana is dying and I am going to lose my shit when it happens but right now I am trying to keep it together. I have to be happy tomorrow when I see her. Because that will make her happy.

Im crying now so I guess I will just stop.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Friday date Day /pizza friday

Today was pretty good. I woke up before my alarm went off this morning and got a shower and got ready without too terribly much anxiety. Buy right as we were leaving i had a wave of panic and had to take a lot of deep breaths.
I handled lunch OK. I only ate one of the two pieces of pizza🍕 and that was the best idea ever because if I ate two I would have been miserable. I brought the second home and just had it a while ago for dinner.

The spiderman move is freaking awesome. I loved it. It was so funny! 😅😅😅

After that we went to the mall. Stan bought me some necklaces to take apart and make stuff out of. And also a spinner ring to replace the one I dropped in the toilet. 🚽 lol

We went to Walmart and got my meds even though we didnt need them yet... The pharmacy called the house number and told mom it was ready. I don't even know how they got the house number.
We also got cotton rounds for my astringent and Lilly some fancy feast cat food. And I got some swimsuit bottoms that are black and cover my fat thighs.
On the way home I though we were going to run in a storm but little did I know.... It was moving west instead of east. So it was passed us and moved away. So boo on that.

I got home and some more of my ebay orders came in. One of them sent the wrong thing but it's okay I will wear it anyway.

I ate my pizza. Did the dishes and now I'm in  bed falling asleep

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Terrible Tuesday

Today was my appointment to get my meds rewrite and the lady and I were talking so much that she forgot to give me my Rx and I didn't even notice because I am so nervous and just trying to not freak out in general.
I didn't realize I didn't have the Rx until I got all the way home and it was after 5pm so the clinic was closed. I have to call in the morning and see if they can let Stan pick it up for me. Or I might have to go back in and get it.
I am scared they will accuse me of lying and just asking for more meds and that they won't give it to me.

It took me 2.5 hours to get ready this morning. I left at 1pm to get there for a 2:30pm appointment. They didn't see me until 2:55.
I had to sit in the hallway because the people in the waiting room make me nervous and I can feel them staring at me and judging me and think that I'm fat and ugly and stupid and that I don't have a mental illness I just want attention and they think I should just go jump off a bridge.
This is what I go through when I go out in public.
I was afraid to drive my car today. I was afraid I would wreck. And I almost did and that scared the shit out of me. I was afraid the car would break down. I was afraid somebody would harass me in the clinic or the store when I went on the way home.

I had an anxiety attack waiting to check out at Walmart. And the lady in front of me was having issues with her card and it just made it worse I was shaking and sweating and I thought I was going to collapse. It feels like I stood there for 20 mins waiting. I was fanning myself with a piece of paper and I kept picking up candy bars and check the calories and putting them back and checking again and comparing between the two and i was trying to do any to distract myself from the panic building. I ended up getting a cookies and Creme candy bar. It had less calories than most of them.

I am so glad to be home and I am so exhausted from being in town. The heat makes it worse because it draws the energy out of you when you sweat and get hot.

I wore my other new shirt that I bought with the money my father in law gave me. I am so grateful for the money he gave me. I didn't expect it at all.

I am going to try and relax tonight and...... I gotta go the dishes and clean the kitchen......
But I just got really sick nauseated and weak. So I am laying down for a sec ughhhh

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Sunday Sunday Sunday

Today is laundry day and relaxing. Mom and dad left a few minutes ago for the casino in Mississippi that they like to go to. They had free nights at the hotel there so they are taking advantage of that.
Stan has been in pain  since yesterday morning and I hoped he would feel better after sleeping but he doesnt and that makes me sad. I want to fix it and i can't and I get upset about it all the time and then he gets upset that I'm upset and it's this cycle of the feels over and over.
I have to try and not get upset about things. But it's really hard for me. 😥

So anyway. I woke up early around 6 and tried to stay awake and I went into the living room and had one of my full body spasms cause my body was sleepy but my brain wasn't. Or maybe my brain was sleepy but my body wasn't. All I know is it happens when I'm in bed falling asleep.... AND it also happens when I'm awake and fighting my sleep.
Then sometimes it happens when I'm not tired at all (at least not that I know of or can tell) which is the most confusing part of all because I don't know why it's happening.
I just write it off as a side effect of my psych meds. 💊

So anyway... Back to what I was saying.. Mom saw me do that (I haven't done it In the living room in public for a while now) and she told me to go back to bed. So I did. For a out 1.5 hours.
Then I got up. My parents were packing for their trip. They went to church at 11..went out to eat with pawpaw and got home around 1pm.
They left at 1:30pm. It's a pretty long drive down there. Well, it's not that long but it feels long. I'm used to long trips and it feels long to me.
They will come back Tuesday.
On top of that my (not so) little brother and his fiancée left to go to The casino too. They will hangout with mom and dad there but my brother isn't staying the night so he has to drive all the way back home tonight... Idk how the little guy does it.
I already ate too much today and it's just now 2pm. Fml fml fml 🍕🍩

I am going to try and distract myself with water and sugar free popsicles and Grey's anatomy.. Also Pokémon. Maybe art journaling. Or writing. Or reading.

Stan is really quiet today and that makes me scared that something is wrong.

In other news... The next big possible thing that will be happening or starting to happen on/around July 17 and after. A lot of shit might go down in a very small amount of time. But i am hopeful that it does because the end outcome will be amazing and fantastic and pretty much one of my all time childhood dreams come true. 🌅🌊🏖️⛱️🏝️
Though if this happens we will be canceling our anniversary beach trip to pcb. But it would totally be worth it lok

I have to go get the laundry and hang it up and start a load of white/light colors. Then I might take a nap. It's getting hard to keep my eyes focused right now.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

A Saturday wedding

I am attending a wedding today. This is only the second wedding I've been to in my entire life. And I'm 31. Lol I guess you can say I've avoided them.
I am nervous because there will be  lot of people I don't know there... But I am going to be with Stan and my mom and dad and Brother and Krista. And the wedding is for our  good friends David (who is like an adopted son to my parents) and Lauren. So I  going to try and make /let myself enjoy a wedding for the first time.

The dress I'm wearing is a vintage dress from the closet of my great grandmother (or my great aunt. Not sure which. I prefer to say my grandmother but in all honesty I like my aunt more. Either way both of them have passed on so RIP to them. Its an honor to own and wear something they wore when they were alive)
The dress is definitely a Granny looking dress but it's also a style of dress that has become popular here lately. So it's cool. And even if it hadn't become popular I like the dress so much I'm going I'd wear it anyway.
So it's almost 9am.
The wedding at 2pm.we will leave at 1:15pm.
My little brother is in the wedding (a groomsman) and has to walk down the aisle and stand there. He has obviously never done this before so I am nervous for him. I am also excited to see him dressed up because he never ever dresses up for anything.
I don't know if we will go to the reception because Stan doesn't want to and I am riding with him and he makes the decisions. Plus I don't know if I can even handle it to be honest. My anxiety has been real bad lately. and I'm sure the reception will involve eating and i just don't think I can do that after the pizza I ate last night.

My period is 5 days late today. So I am expecting it to start at the most awkward time (Aka during the wedding). Because that's just my luck. And for the record no I am not pregnant. I havent has sex.

We ordered a replacement battery for my Samsung galaxy 3.6 player and I was able to download the music off of it to my chromebook. However some of my favorite songs are in a wma format and cannot be played. So I have to save them to my Google drive. And open then on a windows machine and find a converter to make them mp3 then re-upload to Google drive. And then i can sync them all to my phone and use my phone as a media player.
I factory reset my Samsung galaxy and gave it to Stan as a late bday present cause I am too poor. To buy anything and he really needs a new player. He tried it out last night and he loves it.

Anyways I have to try and eat something. And wait for the hot water to refill (cause mom just showered first)... And then i will get my shower out of the way. So I can relax until later. Though I really won't have that much time to relax  but here's hoping I can sneak some Pokémon Sun in today between all thats going on. (still trying to level up to 100. It's taking a long time because the higher the level up the more xp it takes and well... I've kind of gotten to the highest level enemies I can battle for now so it takes over 9000 Pokémon battles to get there)

Anyways I need to go journal now.
🙃🙂🙃🙂

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Wednesdayyyyy

So another opportunity has presented itself and Stan is jumping on it. This again could be a really big drastic change in our lives in a VERY VERY short amount of time.
Needless to say we are looking at houses again. 🏠🏡🏚️

I made a separate Instagram for my ed/Bipolar/anxiety/OCD stuff and it has been the best thing. I can post whatever I want and not worry about people seeing it and worrying
It's been very therapeutic in a way.
😵😵😵🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃
And I've made a friend on there too!
❤️🆗🆒

I'm mad that my ebay stuff isn't coming in faster. 🛍️📪✉️📨I guess I got my hopes up when the crystal points pendants came in really fast lol..
I should know better.. Ive bought like this before.
And then I ordered another $15 of stuff! 💰💰💲💲It will take even longer to get here lol
And the stuff in the second bulk of orders is the stuff I want the most. Damn it lolol

I slept for 4 hours last night.
2 hours the night before.
Zero hours the night before that.
Tonight is looking like a late night too. Lots of stuff I wanna do. 🚬🕯️☠️ #upallnightgotdemonstofight

Today I bought chain to repair a friend's rosary and some E beads to make a chain of beads for layering as necklaces or whatever. I will only need a tiny bit of the chain so I can use it to make something if I want.
I got caffeine and benadryl instead of melatonin because the melatonin isn't working. And I take 20mg of it. So yeah
Gonna use benadryl and get dry mouth real bad. Smdh lol
I got Primatene mist tablets
💊💊💊

I have been eating less the past few days and it makes me feel powerful and in control of my life. 🍴🍴🍴

I have an appointment on July 11 with my nurse practitioner to get my meds rewritten. Should be the last time I have to go to Indian Rivers Mental Health clinic.

I have been clipping magazine stuff out and making collages to relax  and cope and inspire and such.
I am also working on turning a composition notebook into a one year anniversary trip planner memento scrapbook smashbook thing.

In random news: I had the AC on high in my car earlier today and I was smoking and a little piece of cigarette 🚬ash flew into my left eye.
Like right on the eyeball.
Omgggg so much help pain. But I kept. My cool. I didn't mess up my eye makeup rubbing my eye or anything lol

Other random news: I am extremely ITCHY right now! I don't even know why other than it seems like every time I go outside to do something like... Walk to the end of the road and check the mall or take the garbage cart down-- i just get really itchy. It's Gotta be Allergies.

But yeah

So tomorrow I think i will dedicate my time to Grey's anatomy because the newest season is up on Netflix.
Also I need to play Pokémon.
I am very close to the end of the game. And i know i can beat the people I'm just being weird. I wanna level up to 100 if I  can. Most of my pokemans are in the high 60s and the 70s. I think one might be in the 80s

Oh BTW I have had "lake of fire" by nirvana stuck in my head for a week now! Lol

We gave miss Lilly her flea and tick medicine today. Usually she takes a pill for it but they stopped selling it where we go to the vet. So for the first time in her life she got the oil drops on her skin. She was NOT pleased lol. She freaked out.. Because she could smell it on the back of her head/neck and she couldn't reach it.
The application on her butt though.. She probably ended up licking that one and omg I can only imagine what she must have thought after that.

I am actuary getting sleepy
Wow this is unbelievably expected.
I know If I go to sleep I will wake up. At 3 or 4am but I guess that will have to do.

So that's all.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Second update tonight lol

So this week my dad has his birthday on the 6th and I am sad because he hasn't found a job and he is sad and depressed and we don't know what to do. There are options that would help but not completely pay the bills but he does not see the point or is too proud to do these things.
I just asked people to pray for someone close to me that really needs it.... I can't say it's him. Because it would hurt too much.

On Saturday we have to go to a wedding of a friend of ours. We are not thrilled but we are going.
I am going to wear legit vintage dress from my great grandma closet. May she Rest in peace. Granny ❤️❤️❤️

I am wearing my nasty worn in sandals that I wear everywhere. Maybe I should let Stan buy me a new pair.. They have some exactly like them in stock so I could just update.

There are other things going  on but I can't be arsed to dig them up out of my memory lol.

So now I will go to bed.

a big recap

so... lets see. last saturday we went to a seafood buffet in Brent, al ... treated my dad out for late fathers day and early birthday. i ate so much i was sick lol

on sunday we went to the storage unit to get my jewelry pliers and wire so i can fix a friend of stan's rosary but i also need chain so i gotta get that too.
we went to winndixie and got me some more yogurt (the right kind) and chips.

today i have been watching what i eat. so i can enjoy dinner tonight.
i noticed they put the newest season of grey's anatomy on netflix so i have that to do. (SO EXCITED)

i read a little of "crazy in alabama"
I wrote in my journal
I did some magazine clipping collage stuff for art therapy. (really liking the stuff i have put togther so far. it pleases me)
but then i just watched greys.

i didnt sleep last night at all. like not even a minute and i havent slept all day today.

so i should sleep tonight really good. i hope to god lol.

we are working on getting stan off work for our anniversary trip in september. we have picked out a hotel and i love it. it has a kitchen
http://bythesearesorts.com/property/beachbreak/
this is the one we want. the king non smoking with kitchen. all rooms are beach side
i am so excited i cant even... just.. if it finally happens. it we FINALLY GET TO GO. FINALLY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
just yeah
it will blow my mind

i have to get a swimsuit though and i am dreading the hell out of that.
because god knows i am fat piece of shit right now

i have to go eat dinner

i might do another entry later