Sunday, June 18, 2017

My first awards banquet with my husband -- and some very sad news

So today we went to the Alabama Associated press awards banquet or whatever it's called. APR got quite a few awards and it was pretty cool.

I wore the black dress we got at the yard sale we found a month or so ago (the dress cost $1 you can't beat that) . And everybody said it looked good but I can't look at myself I'm the mirror without immediately seeing my flaws. 
My huge belly poking out making me look pregnant (it's  Reynolds family genetic thing. Most all of us Reynolds folk have this weird round belly thing that happens if we get a little over weight. Hell look at my dad- he looks 9 months preggo all day every day. SRY DAD ITS TRUEEEEE LOL)
Also I see my upper arm fat that flaps around like an old fat woman at bingo night yelling and waving and crap.  BINGO WINGSSS

The other thing that bother me is my fat face. I want do loose weight in my face too. My cheeks look like massive pale white nasty fat just sitting on my face idk whatever

When I get like this I feel really disconnected from my body. Like it's not mine or me... It's just a vessel that carries me around and is like a costume. And right now Im wearing fat suit.
and i should and can change costumes
and i plan on it
just waiting to see what news we hear next week. *fingers crossed* πŸ‘

 
WTF. Anyway
I talked a lot at the banquet. Pretty sure I was annoying everybody. A usual. Which is why I usually don't talk at all.
here are some photos from today (and tonight after we got home)

this first photo was taken without Stans permission and i might have to take it down when he finds out .... lol he was asleep just now and i thought it was cute.  πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–


DO NOT POKE THE SLEEPING BEAR VERY DANGEROUS CREATURE HERE
🐻🐻🐻


when we got home and realized we werent going out to town again i decided to take some photos of myself because i spent a lot of time and effort on my eye make up today. you cant really see it because of my glasses (speaking of which, im getting my eyes checked and new frames/lenses later this year at some point because i cant read shit anymore)

this is us in front of the AP thing. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY MOUTH IN PHOTOS. I CANT SMILE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FREAK AND IF I DONT SMILE I ALWAYS LOOK TERRIFIED. which i am... because i hate people taking photos of me. i can take photos of myself but other people doing it freaks me out. (PS LOOK AT HOW FAT I AM)

we went to a coffee/wine/beer serving place in birmingham alabama and stan actually let me have some wine. THIS TINY GLASS YOU SEE HERE COST $9 (or 8 i cant remember)
NINE FUCKING DOLLARS.
i could get two or THREE bottles of arbor mist at walmart for that. FOR FUCK SAKES. i felt so weird drinking that shit i finished my drink and went outside to smoke because god damn
🍷🍷🍷

this is the banquet table. they gave every person a little black notebook... that i will be using as my next journal (even though its really small) because it was free and we got four of them. lol (stan got two i got one and we found one that nobody wanted)


this is after the main course.. it was chicken in some kind of unidentifiable sauce (but very delicious, i just dont know sauces) also potato wedges baked and covered in spices. and southern style green beans (they leave them long and cook them differently than i'm used to. like mom always snaps her green beans and cans them. so i had never eaten beans like that before but i added some pepper to them and they were so good i ate stans too because he didn't want them... they are beans and healthy so idgaf)

this is what was on the table when we sat down. a salad and the desserts. so we had to sit there and look at the desserts forever before getting them. they were just sittin there like "HAY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME YOU CANT HAVE ME UNTIL THE MAIN COURSE IS OVER"
i dont eat salad so i ate the two big round croutons (which were soggy/soft and not crispy so that was kind of gross)
the WATER they gave us to drink was in a fancy glass (along with the sweet tea but i dont drink sweet tea)... anyway the water was NASTY. it was obviously TAP WATER. and it was definitely UNFILTERED. i couldn't drink it. it made me sick to my stomach. So my WONDERFUL AMAZING HUSBAND WENT AND GOT ME TWO BOTTLES OF WATER FROM A VENDOR IN THE HOTEL WHERE THE BANQUET WAS BEING HELD)
i have the best husband in the world, guys. 

this is us in the living room before we left
another failed attempt at smiling.
and look i'm fat yall fat fat fat



and now for some completely other kind of news---








I got some bad news today--- and my family  waited until we got home from the banquet to let me know because they didn't want me to be upset and have a bad time there.

so my nana has been taking lots of medications (most of them prescribed to her, but she is also taking over the counter medications that she shouldn't be mixing with her normal meds)
and she has been falling and hurting herself multiple times a day-- so the last time she did it was really bad and they took her to the hospital and she had brain bleeds.
they did some tests and discovered she has lesions on her brain-- so they are pretty sure she has brain canter.
my nana is too weak and unhealthy to survive chemo and she cant have surgery (i dont know why, they just told me thats what the doctor said)
and nana has said that she is okay with that-- that she has lived a long life and she is ready to go whenever its time.
and then she checked herself out of the hospital AMA (against medical advice)
so she's at home now. i dont know how she is doing. i am scared.
they told me that the doctor told nana she will be needing to get hospice to come in soon and be with her.

for those of you who dont know--- my nana and pawpaw took care of me a lot while i was growing up.
i have a strange unspoken bond with my nana that my mother doesn't understand. My grandmother suffers from several mental illnesses (bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety, eating disorder/body image issues etc. along with physical problems obviously).. as you know these illnesses are genetic. my mother seems to have dodged a bullet on that-- she has some symptoms of hypomania (part of bipolar II) but its never affected her or escalated to mania and dangerous things.

anyways... so i inherited some stuff from nana and when i got older and the bipolar set in full swing (around the age of 21 or so) ... when nana and i had time alone to talk we talked about things that other people dont understand. the batshits. the feelings. the mood swings. the anger and anxiety and fear and paranoia. 
we have an understanding--- i dont know if she still remembers this. with all thats happened and all the medication and illness and her brain going wacky from... cancer...

a lot of my "comfort" foods and things come from time spent with my nana.
Nana always bought me pizza from pizza hut when i visited her. (i had a thin crust pepperoni. she got sausage)
Nana always had vanilla ice cream for me to eat.
There was banana popsicles. 
and chocolate milk. CHOC MILK is what i would say.. i couldn't say chocolate milk. (have a memory from when i was 2/3 or so (yes i remember being that young i remember the house we lived in and the layout of the house and things in the house. my parents are baffled that i remember these things) ...and we walked up the cement walk way to the road and she would hold me hand and we would run (i tried to run lol) across the road to the little store there.. and she would get me CHOC MILK)
and when i was little i would lay my head in her lap and she would pet my head until i fell asleep (and still to this day if you do this i will fall asleep, stan does it to calm me down sometimes, or to comfort me)
I remember wearing my pawpaws big white undershirts he wore under his button up shirts. i wore them as nightgowns when i was little. there was an old school cord phone they had out and i played with it and acted like i was talking on the phone.
Nana and i watched "the price is right" every day i was there and we would play along with the "COME ON DOWN" and I would strutt through the living room or whatever.

at nana and pawpaws... it was a subdivision of houses. and it was a relatively safe neighborhood (back then, its not now) and i would go outside and catch fireflies/lightnings bugs and pawpaw would go and get one of his mason jars he used for canning stuff and give it to me and i would keep them over night and watch them glow.

There was one time i was up there and there was an for real big snow storm and i was stuck there.
I went out and played and nana had me collect snow from the tops of the cars and things, to make snow ice cream.



i gotta stop right here because i could go on forever.







so tomorrow we were going to rest
but we have to get Miss Lilly some food so we are going to walmart and i plan on buying things as self therapy (because i'm a basic white bitch sometimes ok get off me)
Then i have to do laundry, cause sunday is laundry day.
i might do it before we leave.
i dont know
ugh

i have been up since 5:30am-- i took an hour nap in the van on the way home
in 3 and a half hours i will have been up for 24 hours

i'm not really tired either (yay hypomania... woohoo bipolar... NOT)


i guess i will go play magikarp jump on my phone 





I CAUGHT A SHINY MAGIKARP--- and before i could get it fully trained a fucking pidgeotto flew in and took it away... SMDH FFFFFFF



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all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...