Sunday, February 12, 2017

a slow weekend

we were supposed to have a date day on saturday but i decided to stay home and thats okay

on friday we have pizza friday.

twas delicious. i have cut back on my eating so i still have pizza left over and its sunday!!!

i have to stop eating so much because i hate myself and my body and i never have a good day because of it.
it like this dark cloud over even the best of days. it never goes away. and i will never be fully happy until i lose weight. Stan forgets that often. he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to even get out of bed when i look like this. its hard. everyday is hard. i dont feel like myself anymore. i feel like a stranger in my own body.

i dont have a therapist to talk to anymore so it makes it worse
and if i did go to the therapist it would cost $160 a visit

so i cant even go. its not an option.

yesterday i slept a lot and watched Greys Anatomy... 

today i unloaded the dish washer and put dishes back in and i just started a load of clothes

my nails are getting long againn so i am having trouble typing again

i'm out of cigarettes which makes me irritable

despite not showering as much as i should i have been taking care of my face and keeping is moisturized and clean

i have decided to stop doing my daily log in the composition journals because its over kill when i keep another journal and a planner. though i will finish it out through feb because i used washi tape and decorated for the whole month already

i almost never use my computer anymore.. i get on here to blog and thats it. and half the time i blog on my phone too so thats even less on the computer than it would normally be

my dad hasnt gotten a job yet and its driving me insane i am so scared that stan is going to be the only thing keeping my parents from being homeless
itss too much to ask stan. he has to much going on already and i hate that its gotten to this.
i hate it.
i hate ATT and i hate the world for being such a bad thing to my Dad who has been nothing but amazing. he was ATTs best worker.. he even got awards for it. why cant he get a job. i dont know. its making me lose my shit. i am bawling my eyes out right now.

i have to drive my car today or start it and let it run...

i am so depressed and the psych told me flat out that she cant increase my antidepressants anymore. so i am stuck here. i am stuck in depression for the rest of my life. i have no other options. this is it for me
i sleep 12 hours a day or more. i dont have the drive to do anything at all. i cant take care of myself half the time. when my psych asks me if i have feeling of hurting myself or other people i want to tell her that i want to hurt her because she wont fix me.

my anxiety is paralyzing and the buspar doesnt even help at all but i cant stop taking it becaue i dont know how my body would react... i dont want to go through withdrawls and maybe it is working a little bit and my anxiety is just that bad that it doesnt make a dent in it hardly

this is the longest blog i have posted in a while and its just me whining 
i hate myself

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