Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A notification

I wont be blogging much during the packing and moving we are doing right now.  I've even considered putting my laptop into a box for moving...  Which is okay because I can update from my phone like I'm doing now.

The stress of packing  is starting  to get to me but I can't let it effect me because I don't have time to slow down.

Needless to say..  After the move is done and we are settled in i'm going to need to crash for a few days to get over everything.

I still have to figure out what clothes to keep and what to store up forever.
I need to keep out stuff to go to church in and the rest of my Clothes can be t-shirts I guess I don't have any reason to have clothes out that will just take up space. Space that we don't have.

Today I have to throw away jewelry making stuff and it's going to be hard. I just don't have time to sort and properly store it all.

That's all for now

Sunday, February 12, 2017

a slow weekend

we were supposed to have a date day on saturday but i decided to stay home and thats okay

on friday we have pizza friday.

twas delicious. i have cut back on my eating so i still have pizza left over and its sunday!!!

i have to stop eating so much because i hate myself and my body and i never have a good day because of it.
it like this dark cloud over even the best of days. it never goes away. and i will never be fully happy until i lose weight. Stan forgets that often. he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to even get out of bed when i look like this. its hard. everyday is hard. i dont feel like myself anymore. i feel like a stranger in my own body.

i dont have a therapist to talk to anymore so it makes it worse
and if i did go to the therapist it would cost $160 a visit

so i cant even go. its not an option.

yesterday i slept a lot and watched Greys Anatomy... 

today i unloaded the dish washer and put dishes back in and i just started a load of clothes

my nails are getting long againn so i am having trouble typing again

i'm out of cigarettes which makes me irritable

despite not showering as much as i should i have been taking care of my face and keeping is moisturized and clean

i have decided to stop doing my daily log in the composition journals because its over kill when i keep another journal and a planner. though i will finish it out through feb because i used washi tape and decorated for the whole month already

i almost never use my computer anymore.. i get on here to blog and thats it. and half the time i blog on my phone too so thats even less on the computer than it would normally be

my dad hasnt gotten a job yet and its driving me insane i am so scared that stan is going to be the only thing keeping my parents from being homeless
itss too much to ask stan. he has to much going on already and i hate that its gotten to this.
i hate it.
i hate ATT and i hate the world for being such a bad thing to my Dad who has been nothing but amazing. he was ATTs best worker.. he even got awards for it. why cant he get a job. i dont know. its making me lose my shit. i am bawling my eyes out right now.

i have to drive my car today or start it and let it run...

i am so depressed and the psych told me flat out that she cant increase my antidepressants anymore. so i am stuck here. i am stuck in depression for the rest of my life. i have no other options. this is it for me
i sleep 12 hours a day or more. i dont have the drive to do anything at all. i cant take care of myself half the time. when my psych asks me if i have feeling of hurting myself or other people i want to tell her that i want to hurt her because she wont fix me.

my anxiety is paralyzing and the buspar doesnt even help at all but i cant stop taking it becaue i dont know how my body would react... i dont want to go through withdrawls and maybe it is working a little bit and my anxiety is just that bad that it doesnt make a dent in it hardly

this is the longest blog i have posted in a while and its just me whining 
i hate myself

Thursday, February 9, 2017

crisis averted

so we were able to pay the $160 this time and i got the psych to make my next appointment 6 months out so we have time to save up money for the damn thing
so because my psych was so understanding...i have enough refills on my meds to get me through 6 months
i am so grateful that this lady understands and worked with us on this because the other option is for me to come off meds completely which is really scary.

today is a slow day.
i'm reading The Hunger Games and watching Greys Anatomy reruns
i want to do my nails but i dont have much of that  top coat that Sagen gave me so i'm going to wait a few days until the currently manicure starts chipping.

stan cooked chicken last night for dinner and i am going to eat that for lunch today.

on friday stan and i get pizza... it pizza fridays!!!
but on saturday we have decided to go out on  a date and eat at Olive Garden...
i will get dressed up and such which is something i rarely do now
stan also wants to drive me around to pokestops i'm not that into pokemon go but he likes doing it so i will let him take me to these places.

I feel really antsy today but i cant go anywhere
I guess i will go watch more Greys now

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Today just became the worst day

I got a phone call from Indian Rivers (mental health) telling me that I do not qualify for the sliding fee payment scale and that my visits will be $160
That is too much and now I have no way to get my meds. So I have to come off meds and I haven't been off meds In years.
Furthermore it's happening at a time when I am moving  from the  big apartment to  my tiny  bedroom at home. So fuck the world right now.

So done with life

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Church just made me feel worse rather than better

Feeling really weird right now about church... The sermon just didn't add sit right with me...  And makes me question if this is the right church for me.
It's the church I grew up in but it just doesn't feel like a good fit right now.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

lots of appointments and shit

today i thought i had an appointment with the lady who writes my prescriptions  but it was weird because the card they gave me said march 7--- then i got something in the mail saying my appointment had be moved from febr 7 to feb 1.. so i went in today expecting an appointment
which might have happened
but a lady passed out and fell on the floor in the waiting room and they called the ambulance and the nurse practitioner (who writes my prescriptions) had to help them until the EMT arrived.
in the mess of all this my appointment time was happening and the lady at the desk was trying to call the nurse and see which day the appointment was actually on.. but so much was going on that we just rescheduled for another day next week.. i have enough meds to make it through till then

so anyways i went to Indian Rivers today for no reason and tomorrow I have a dentist appointment to get more cavities filled. i have a pill to take before the appointment to make me less nervous...  i love my dentist he thinks of everything..

and THEN next wednesday i will have the appointment that was supposed to be today i think but got juggled in the chaos of what happened.

this weekend we are going up to my parents house and taking a plastic tub of my books and and some clothes.

i need a pair of dress pants so i can go to church....
stan is going to make some delicious food while we are at my parents house and then on sunday he is going to take me home and take the food over to our friends house for the super bowl party... i wont be going because i dont deserve to go and i dont want to after what happened last time.

tonight stan is getting food for us on his way home
 i picked Arbys because of curly fries