Monday, December 11, 2017

first blog entry of december

so um, yeah. life has been pretty uneventful.
i went to the dentist-- they got me into surgery the very next morning.
they put me to sleep and i woke up and three teeth were gone.
the pain went away and came back yesterday morning. but it seems to have went away again.

stan and i are doing ok. not much is going on (that i can talk about, its private and its nothing bad. its actually good stuff. but again-- not something i can talk about here)

i am procrastinating on doing the christmas cards. i need to do that asap. just getting a list of who i am going to be making them to would be a start but its mostly stans family and my friends and thats it so... idk... i guess i could get mine done and if stan doesnt get on the ball about giving me names and addresses those people just wont get anything from us.
we need to get his mother's stuff packaged up and mailed to Kentucky. and any other gifts.
his dad and step mother might come down here so that would save us from having to mail their stuff up there, because i think the thing we are getting them is going to be pretty heavy and expensive to mail.

i need to find a way to get the money to mail Alaina and Jo's xmas packages.

I went to see my cousin April and we watched Gone with the Wind and she tried to teach me to crochet but i didn't make it very far. i am still doing single chain of shit. like, i got to the second row but i pulled everything so tight i couldn't get back through to do it. idk what the techincal terms for any of this is.

the new StarWars movie comes out this friday and stan and i are going on saturday to see it.
we have to go to the reynolds christmas on sunday--stan and i arent playing dirty santa so i dont have to worry about that. it has always made me really uncomfortable because everybody is looking at you when you get your turn and again if you have to take somebodys gift because yours got taken from you.
it just really makes me have bad feelings. i have NEVER like it. and i am really glad that stan is agreeing that we dont have to do it.

i need to try and not gain anymore weight between now and sunday
i also need to figure out what kind of meal plan i should put together to lose between 5-10 lbs by january 27.

we need to renew my domain name for another year.
and work on my kami-con cosplay.

I totally wrote this days ago. And thought I lost it but blogger saved it.
And I'm posting it days late but at least I'm posting.

Tomorrow is Friday and I can't eat pizza. I will survive. I'm too fat and don't deserve it. Plus on Saturday we are having a date day and I have to eat out somewhere. And that is going to make me gain another 5 lbs.
We are seeing the starwars movie Saturday. And shopping.
I have to find clothes that fit my fat ass. If I can't find anything I might refuse to go. Stan can go alone. I can't handle this fat ass being see in public. I want to kill myself right now. Not even joking. Not joking.

Sunday is the Reynolds Christmas and yet again I have to find something to wear. I might wear stretchy black pants and a t-shirt. I don't think any of my. Clothes are going to fit.
I am dreading this weekend so much because I got so fat.
I wont even be able to eat. Like I can't. I am huge. And they will see my fat ass eating and wonder how I can even eat when my ass is so fat. Like I dont deserve it and definitely don't need it. I don't want to go at all. I don't. Want to. I will hide the whole time. I can't do this I am freaking out.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

long long time no posty

I havent posted since the Thor movie.... lolol

okay so I literally had to go in my planner and flip back to the days and figure out what happened to update this thing haha

In general the things that are going on are POKEMON ULTRA SUN/MOON
I am a little disappointed in the story line being so similar and... idk.. i do like that they have way more pokemon from different gens showing up in the wild.
the pokebank (stan was kind enough to get it for me) is not compatible with the new game just yet (but will be in a few days, supposedly)
so I organized my pokemon for the bank and did the upload and so they are gone from my copy of Sun. I will eventually get the ones from X. I dont think they have planned on supporting Gold/Silver from the estore download virtual console. but they are apparently going to support red blue yellow. and the other virtual console download games that came out earlier on. the silver/gold just came out like... last month? or two? so that might be why its not immediately on the supported list of games.

so yeah. Pokemon Ultra SM came out on nov 17 and stan was amazing and wonderful and awesome and got it for me. i dont deserve it at all. like, not at all. not even a little bit.
so i am very grateful.

they brought the headstone for nana's grave and put it up... and i tried to stay for the whole thing but i started breaking down and i had to leave. i couldn't stand up and i was crying about to sob and mom has already told me multiple times that i am not allowed to do that infront of pawpaw. so fml i went to the car and drove home sobbing. it was a really bad day. i still cant even think about it at all without crying, so i just dont let myself think about it. i try not to. if i do its game over, i am done. crying will happens for hours. idk.

we visited pawpaw in fayette on nov 18th... and it was really hard... going to the house and she wasnt there. i sat in her recliner. i dont know if that made pawpaw feel weird or better because i am so much like her. i should have asked if it was ok. but i didnt and in retrospect i feel bad for just assuming i could sit there. =(
we watched the game. or they did. lol. we stopped and got KFC on the way for them and i ate tuna and crackers. THEN I ATE LIKE HALF A GALLON OF ICE CREAM I SHIT YOU NOT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I PUT IT ALL IT WAS LIKE A MAGIC TRICK.
big regret on that. i am probably going to be fat at Kami-con and it will ruin the entire thing for me. fml

on mon nov 20th i attempted to patch stan's jeans. and despite doing an excellent job last time i did it--- i dont remember how i did it. so i tried and i think i failed. i dont know. i didnt show him because i was embarassed. i did however sew on a button correctly (which is easy peasy) however all the buttons on that shirt need redoing so they dont fall off sometime soon so i need to do that. i have a lot of shit on my to do list and i am procrastinating like fuck. i just wanna watch anime and play pokemon but i keep getting distracted by things.. that the things i am getting distracted by arents even the good things that i need to be doing.

i finally actually started pokemon Ultra Sun on nov 21st.

Thanksgiving was hard as hell. like.... i barely made it though. nana wasnt there. she should have been sitting across from me. and she wasnt there.
she wasnt there.
she wasnt there.
she is gone.
she is gone.
i ate a lot and tried to purge and got only like 1/2 of it up.. if that. so i felt like shit and have kind of been binging ever since which makes me feel like shit even more idk what to do all i want to do is eat WHICH IS FUCKING FUNNY BECAUSE I HAVE A TOOTH ACHE SO BAD I CAN BARELY EAT BUT SOMEHOW MY FAT ASS IS MANAGING TO EAT A FUCKTON ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM AN OUT OF CONTROL WORTHLESS FAT PIG

on thanksgiving stan and I watched Aladdin and it made me really happy. he and i have had a rekindling of some bedroom romance and its really good for us. i think. i mean, i feel better. i hope he does too. otherwise i will feel stupid.

on friday i watched Alice in Wonderland. i left the menu music on for like two hours after it was done and just dozed off. it was nice.

on sat nov 25 my little brother made fun of me for eating and it upset me really bad. like really really really really really bad.
i have barely talked to him since then, i dont want to talk to him. he is a fucking asshole. he needs to look in the goddamn mirror before he starts talking about other people and their eating and fatness.
if he says anything again i will physically hurt him. i dont care what he does or my parents do, he needs to be smacked around. he is disrespectful to our parents and everyone around him. he wasnt spanked and disciplined as a child (its my mothers fault, she babied him ) and now we have this monster living in the house that we have to deal with... and cant kick out because he is struggling to get financially ok because minimum wage and living and shit is bullshit and idek.

on sunday nov 26 i put up the christmas lights ... and they were 2 strands of lights... 5 ft a piece but they dont connect to each other so i just framed the mirror on the wall next to the door because they wouldnt go around the closet door.
sunday is also laundry. as usual. i like having one day for laundry. its simple and makes my planning of the week sectioned off by something.

on tues nov 28 i went to town... stan got my money on monday so i went somewhere. i am grateful for the gas money. i didn't really buy much. but i got a xmas notepad to use this next month. (i have some but they are in storage. i think i have a lot of notepads and shit in storage but .. well... lol they're in storage haha)

and wednesday the 19 is today! i am blogging haha
and i changed the bedsheet and i think we will do just the fitted bedsheet. because stan and i both have our own blankets. because we cant share lol. we both pull on them and curl up and theres no way we could use one blanket or comforter.. even if it was huge.

so because i change the bedding i am doing some laundry in the middle of the week.

later tonight or afternoon i need to take a shower so i can be clean for tomorrow.
then again i could shower tomorrow as soon as stan leaves because he showered today and id have the hot water tomorrow.
i ATTEMPTED to clean or tidy up the room but honestly its almost impossible. so small bedroom so much stuff =(

the rest of the week...
on thursday (tomorrow) i have a dentist appointment at noon. i am driving to northport and leaving my car at walmart and stan is meeting me and driving me to my appointment.... because well, i dont really know how to get there and i get panicky thinking about it. plus he has to pay for it anyways so he has to be there.
tomorow they are only doing the xray films to see how bad my teeth are before they start trying to fix them... again.
its going to be rough. my teeth are falling apart. my dentist is going to be so disappointed in me =(
which makes me really anxious and not feels good about going because i hate hate hate hate hate disappointing people. like.. it really really hurts me inside.

on saturday stan is going to Cahaba for work.
and sunday is laundry.

and that's about it.

i am so glad i finally got a blog entry done so i can stop worrying about it... haha. it was nagging me because i know i need to and i want to but i just keep finding other things to do. and stan likes me blogging so he knows how i feel.

i am really upset about my health insurance thing. like i cant explain how much it upsets me. i feel like i dont deserve to have insurance or any kind of health care or anything at all. and its like... i especially feel like i dont deserve this because i am already being so well taken care of in every other part of my life... like its just too much. i need to stop being so greedy and needy and horrible
we have talked about me going back to work at some point but the idea scares the hell out of me.
i wish i could work from home but hearing all the bullshit april is going through to do the medical transcriptionist thing... like i'd have to go to school a little bit... idk
if stans credit hours would work for me maybe i could take a class for something that could lead to a job?
though i wanted to use that to play in the concert bands or something at the ua.
i dont know... i am feel really overwhelmed just thinking about it.
and i have already made a commitment to going to Kami-con and i really really really wanna go but i am scared i will be fat and feel hideous and have a horrible time and that will make the whole thing pointless and stan will be mad because i made him go and waste money on something that made me less happy than i was. and the thought of that makes me anxious and upset and i cant...
its like every little thing that happens in my life does this
i cant make it stop and i live like his every second of every day
i cant even breathe
how am i supposed to work
i dont know

so i have to see a dentist and that costs extra money. then theres the starwars movie. and the reynolds christmas (omg this is going to be hell idek wtf i am going to do)
and then i have to go to indian rivers one more time on jan 3 because i cant get into mental health place stuff on time before i run out of meds.
and then i have to try and see if this campus clinic thing is ok. like i really have doubt. i dont know. its good that its free but i have a feeling they are going to be a lot of indian rivers and i'm going to get pissed on again and again. and that makes me really anxious and nervous and like i dont wanna do it but i have to but i want to... but i really hate it... cause i have to start all over and its going to be hell and i dont even know if they will take me seriously?????
and if they want my patient file from indian rivers i have to go get that released. and then they will see that and i didn't even tell IR half of the shit that is going on with me and they will probably be like "well its not in your FILE so i think you are bullshitting for meds" so there we go already fucked up
i dont think people understand it.. i literally have this happening almost every few mins about something. anything. it could be about almost anything in the world. even theoretical situations that havent and may not even happen.. and its like i'm trapped in this cycle of anxiety and fear and scared and upset.
like i dont even want to try or do anything because its... i've already thought about all the things that could happen and i am seeing way too many bad outcomes and its just.. not ...i dont know... i am really upset right now.

ok so now that i have bared my soul a little bit here i am going to go play pokemon or something idk

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Saturday date day recap

So.. Saturday was awesome. I woke up and despite having a hard time falling asleep (night time convulsions again) I slept really hard the few hours I did sleep.
I got up, took a bath. (i dont wash my hair as often in winter.. I don't sweat as much and I use dry shampoo and my hair is kind of dry to begin with. So everyday washing makes it kind of brittle unless I soak it in that expensive ass hair oil leave in spray and I don't wanna do that)
I got dressed up.
I only dress like this when I have an elevated mood... And I like that Stan can be all like "yeah this is my wife. Yes I am Awesome."

Also I like to pretend I actually have self confidence. Which I don't. When I dress like this I am constantly going to bathrooms to find mirrors because I am deathly scared something is out of place or my fat is bulging out everywhere and I look hideous. So yes I wear this. No I don't feel confident. It might look like it, but I am secretly anxious as hell looking for the next time i can look in a mirror and make sure I look atleast moderately acceptable. And people watching me probably think I'm just looking at myself because I think I'm pretty and vain and shit. But that's not it at all. And you know-- I have no way or telling people what's really going on.
It's not like I can make an announcement "PSA: girl is looking in mirror to see if she looks like shit or moderately acceptable, not admiring herself. She thinks she looks like shit 24/7"

Uh anyway.
We went to the thrift store. Which was a shock. They completely changed the lay out of the store. All the rows of clothes were completely turned the other way and rearranged. The housewares and knickknacks were different. I didn't even look at the back where the books and furniture was. I mean I think we walked by it but I tend to not focus on things when I'm out and about because I have to separate myself from my surroundings into my head a little bit, or I get sensory overload and anxiety gets to me bad.
Anyway. Stan got shirts. And I got a wide black belt. And a wide brown belt. Exact what I went there for.
(I was going to look for brown flats but krista(little bros fiancee) brought some shoes to the house to see if I wanted them before they sent them to donate. So I got some light gold looking flats that work. Also black so I have a spare. And red - which is new for me but I am excited to see what I can come up with them outfit wise.)

After the thrift store we went to Chick-fil-A and I got a 12 piece grilled nuggets meal. Which came with fries. I didn't want fries but they were there and.... I ate them. I regret it. A lot. Because that set the tone for the rest of the day. (i binged on pizza when i got home)
I was really hungry and it was very satisfying.

We got to the theater at exactly the right time. Which helped my anxiety a lot. Getting places on time (Aka 15-30 mins early) really helps me calm down... I need a buffer between things to sort my head out before I take on the next thing. If I don't I get confused and foggy headed and overwhelmed and that makes me snappy and bitchy. Short temper. Etc. I only realize these things after the fact when I get a chance to sit and collect my thoughts on the day that just happened... Which is why blogging is so good for me. It also let's my husband know some of what is going on inside my head without me having to try and explain it verbally with words. Which is hard sometimes. A lot of the time.

The movie was AMAZING. I laughed so much I thought I was going to get in trouble for being too loud. It was seriously the funniest thing I have seen since the "Deadpool" movie.

After the movie we went to Gamestop and Stan did the most amazing thing and pre-ordered "Pokémon Ultra sun" for me. I had been on the fence about getting it but if we are going to kami-con I really want to have the newest game so I can battle people (i dont plan on doing any tournament things. Just casual battles. I know i will get my ass kicked. Lol I always do. But it's fun and I want to do it.)
They had "Ocarina of Time" for the 3ds for $20 and I talked myself out of asking Stan for it because he has already done, and is doing so much for me. I don't deserve these things and i feel bad asking for them. Maybe one day when I have the right medicine I can work a a part time job and have spending money for extra stuff like games. And clothes shoes makeup etc. But until then I need to remember my place and go bare minimum on things as much as i can. I know i am asking for more than bare minimum right now but it's.... Significantly less than most stay at home trophy wives would ask for. I think. I hope. If I'm wrong I will feel bad and guilty and have to cut back even more as penance for being so needy and demanding. (please keep in mind that NONE OF THESE LIMITS OR PUNISMENTS ARE. COMING FROM STAN. this is just me being hard on myself because I don't think I deserve anything at all)

Then we went to Walmart.... The dreaded (but unfortunately necessary) hell hole. We got my Lamictal, dry shampoo, deodorant, pretzel crisps, tuna, popsicles, beef and noodles, other foods..
We checked out and left... Stan's vehicle was driving weird so he pulled into  parking lot and called people to get opinions on things.
However we restarted the thing and it drove like normal. Stopped turned car off. Started again. And it was fine. So that was good. Idk if it's actually better or okay but it got us home.
We unloaded the car and took all the groceries in and sorted that out. Stan watched most of the game but he was tired as hell too (because of me. I always keep him awake at night and I hate myself for it. I am sorry I can't.. Idk)
I tired to stay awake but gave up and did the things I usually do when I'm tired..... I fought my sleep by eating food. Idk why but if I eat I can stay awake. I didn't want to go to bed. It was kind of early. But I think I did anyway. I slept really hard like.. Super hard. I woke up really stiff so I know i did not move around a lot while I was asleep. Had to do my morning stretching cat yoga twice to get things moving.
So here I am.
It's 8:30am
Today I wash laundry and we need to go to the storage unit and take stuff that is cluttering up the house. Also I need to look for my box of tights because they apparently aren't going to be selling dark brown tights this year. They have light brown. Like... What color is it... Tawn? Idk
Plus if I can fit into some of those old tights from two or three years ago, that will potentially save money because it's less I have to buy for this winter. Also I have one skirt I am missing and it is my favorite. So I really really really need to find it.

We ordered some stuff from "Wish" the other day... and if the quality is okay we will get more stuff. It will be a few weeks before it gets here. But that's OK.

Stan and I had a good day yesterday, despite the fact that I kept him up most of the night with my convulsions. I should have slept in the living room. I keep forgetting to do it. I wish Stan would remind me. Or suggest it. Because I don't think of it when it's happening but in retrospect I always do know i should have.

I hope Stan sleeps in this morning. He needs to. I feel bad about making him go to the storage unit today but we really need to do it. At least it's open 24/7 I think... So we could go tonight if he wants to rest most of the day.

Uh anyway this is a really long post. I didn't plan on writing this much, lol.
It's 9 am now haha

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

apparently its TACO TUESDAY

mom and making tacos tonight
so i have title for a blog post
so i'm going to blog

we have had a lot of bad news and shit in the past few days and its just like... seriously... SERIOUSLY
i don't even....

i am so upset that i have shut down. i feel nothing. i have dissociated  from the feels. or most of them.
well ok not really i lie.
we aren't going to kentucky to visit family this year during the holidays.
and we definitely aren't going to the holiday parry that APR is having because they are treating him like shit and i am fucking done with it.
i'm pissed off at some other people about this stuff but i'm not going into details.

so.... november is open enrollment for getting on stan's insurance. and so that is being done. however--- i will not start receiving coverage until january. my next appointment at indian rivers for med script re write on jan 3. so i have to figure out how many refills i have and if i can make it until they can see me somewhere with his insurance because i am NOT going to continue treatment plan at Indian Rivers. like.. no. hell no. they have been a piece of shit this whole time. I had ONE therapist (over like. 7 years?) that did any good and she didnt even do much for me at all.  i got tossed from psych to psych they dont even learn our names just.. fuck that shit.

so i am waiting until january.

all i gotta figure out is if my meds will last that long.. and like... hell, the new person i see for the batshits probably wont send me home with a new med prescription on the first day so i guess i need to go to indian rivers this one last time. if they take my insurance this time it shouldn't cost $160 fucking dollars to spend 15 mins with a nurse practitioner.

any fucking ways

so all the super sexy cute outfits i had planned to wear to places this holiday season are completely worthless. and i say i could save them for next year-- but i will probably be even more fat ass cow next year i mean you get older you get fatter right. so fml. i have nothing.

i really just
stan and i need to come up with something to do for us since everything else is shit. find a concert in another town on a weekend or something. i cant just sit here i will go insane.
and i had lost weight and was hoping to lose more so i could be cute and dress nice. but fml

at least we are still going to kami-con in jan. ...i swear to go if we don't go i will flip shit. we have to do something. we had so much fun being away from the house at the Renfair when we went a week or two ago and just... i want to have that feeling more. i need to do things. i know i have anxiety but...

 hotels are soothing for me. because living here with the family i am always on edge thinking about... --- well, what are THEY thinking about. do they want the house cleaner? should i take wash the dishes is there something i haven't done that they are secretly upset about. are they annoyed by me? upset? do i disgust them? am i bothering them? and then its like... i feel like they are talking about me when i hear them in the next room and i cant make out what they say and i just know.. i fucking know its about me. about how horrible i am. and i cant.. i cant make the thought go away. i get stuck in this place.

so being away out of town or just in a hotel helps me relax on a very very deep level inside that i don't usually get to feel. because there's no way i can get away from my mind racing these paranoid thoughts about the other people in the house and what they are doing and thinking.. just
i need the time away sometimes.

thats all

so there isn't really anything happening this week... its just full stan working his job that he hates and me sitting here trying to stay sane and occupy myself with stuff. pokemon. netflix. planner. art journal.
but i cant have the next pokemon game because it cost a lot of money and i don't deserve it and we need to save money and i am really sad about this. like really really sad.

i am also sad that i cant use the pokebank to keep my pokemon i have on these other games.. because like... i named one of them about Mr.Kitty and other stuff like that. and i will never get the shiny pokemon again. they'd be stuck in sun/moon. i caught TWO shiny pokemon on my own in the wild. and that's pretty impressive, i wasn't even doing the hunting thing people do to try and get shiny pokemon. it just happened. my little Abra and Ledian. (i think thats how its spelled the lady bug that has arm and legs and shit.. idk) and i have the pokemon that Miss Lilly is named after.. on that copy of white 2 that i lost somewhere in the house and cant find but i think that is uploadable to the pokebank to so.... i would like that.... i also caught a shiny in one of those games but i don't remember if i restarted it... i hope i didn't... cause that would be cool... to have a shiny i caught on an older game.. in the new games.
and i am hoping the god damn pokebank will connect to the nintendo switch shit and transfer because ultra sun ultra moon are the LAST pokemon games to be released on the 3ds system. they are calling it quits and moving to the switch after that. so im sure they will find a way to make this possible because they'd have a fucking million people really really really fucking upset if they just... lose their pokemon. like their gone. i hope they make this possible. idk.

i am rambling about stuff
i think i will go play pokemon now.. i haven't played all day and i don't think i played yesterday either.

i hope stan is ok i am worried about him and i cant fix him and it makes me upset because i want to fix him and i cant and just.... ffffffffff. I LOVE YOU STAN YOU ARE MY ROCK I LOVE YOU

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Just a FYI update on something

So like... I am pretty much living off of canned tuna. Canned white meat chicken. Canned green beans. Cup of chicken noodle soup. Tapioca pudding cups. Wheat thins. And light fat free yogurt and English muffins and sugar free jam. Sometimes plain instant oatmeal packets. And pretzels and animal crackers.
I do eat other stuff sometimes but it's sparingly.

I know it's definitely not ideal nutrition. At all. But I'm eating tuna and chicken(protein) . I have never been into red meat very much anyway (I have veggie bocaburger things for when my family does hamburgers and hot dogs)
I take multivitamins... I almost never did that in the past because they make me nauseated. But the adult gummy vitamin are okay.
I am doing the best I can right now. I was better for a bit. Then the past few months I've just been.. Going down hill. And now.. In the past few days I just feel like... A switch has been turned on in my head. I don't have enough energy or mental willpower to fight this right now. I get really really bad anxiety and guilty feels when I eat... Other stuff. Furthermore I don't trust or like eating at restaurants because I don't get to measure out serving sizes. And I don't get to see the food being cooked. Or atleast know how it's being done.
But I do sometimes eat other stuff. I do. So nobody freak out. My family is here with me and they know I am eating.
It's just a little harder than it was. And seems to be getting harder here lately.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017


so the weekend get away was great. we gave decided to do that more often. it was really good for us. mentally and emotionally and as a couple to get out and be on our own. to be able to sleep and be around each other without knowing somebody is in the next room. that shit messes with your head. i think
stan ate a huge turkey leg drumstick thing. and i got three quartz crystals to wrap and make pendants out of... after that i was pretty much happy. nothing could ruin my day. lol
i ate enough for like 3 people at the place we went to for dinner.. Shoneys.. they are very rare and almost non existent but  they was one so we went there and i ate and ate and ate and ate.
and then i ate little debbie snack cakes at the hotel.
we watched random movies on the hbo or whatever they have in the hotel
and went to bed early ish i think
i didnt sleep much. i woke up and played on my phone and AT MORE STUFF I SHOULDNT HAVE EATEN. BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL
stan and i had a good morning on sunday morning.
and we ate breakfast and left and went to dollar tree and came home.
and crashed and i slept... for a lomg time.
and on monday i slept a lot more
i feel sickish

i think i caught something at the fair so i am feeling a little under the weather.
i am behind on laundry, didn't do that on sunday. and trying to do that today
i need to refill my med case i have been just filling up for a day or two and i need to do it for a whole week so i dont have to keep coming back and redoing it every few days

i talked to my cousin douglas on the phone yesterday for almost 2 hours and it was nice but he was feeling down so it wasnt nice... i dunno. i have this whole... need to fix people want to make everybody happy and i cant help him much but tell him what to do to get started on taking care of himself mental health wise and thats all i can do. other than listen because i know what he is going through better than anybody else he knows

i have some personal projects this week. i also need to work on trying to see april. and douglas. but that means gas money and i hate asking stan for gas money because i makes me feel like a piece of shit.

i want to art journal and journal and... work on.. i dunno. christmas card mailing lists? i wanna do that this year! it gives me happy and something to do.
i need to pick out what to wear to the holiday things and for when we travel and i know its a long time from now but if i dont start doing it i will feel rushed and freak out when it gets closer.

idk what else
im gonna go do stuff

Thursday, October 19, 2017

I can't believe its only thursday

This is the slowest week ever.
and i have been sick since saturday night.
the head cold is almost gone... i dont get neon green yellow shit when i blow my noise anymore.
but it still makes my ears pop and theres fluid in there. i mean, dont get me wrong i'm congested as fuck but it's nowhere near as bad as it was two days ago.
my chest however... i thought it was okay because i could breath but just a few hours after bragging about that it got worse and now i have this death rattle cough. and nothing will come up at all. i can't cough this shit up. like maybe i have like.. coughed something up twice in the past four days. its just coughing and it rattles and it hurts like a son of abitch. like someone is stabbing me in the chest.

note to self: spell check isnt working right apparently oh well

an old friend that i had lost has started talking to me. apologized for being pretty much the meanest son of a bitch i have ever met in my life. and some shit. and i find myself unable to stay pissed off at this person despite knowing i have every right to be pissed the fuck off. for the rest of my life pissed off. thats how pissed off i should be. but whatever we are adults now. so i am seeing if this can be a friendship. my hopes arent very high. i dont exactly have friends. never have.

i have been stuck in the house. even if i could go anywhere (without feeling like a fat fuck and being paranoid that people are staring at me in disgust) i shouldn't because i'm sick.
we are going shopping on sunday so i guess i will go somewhere then, until then i am here trying to not sleep all day. i play pokemon but i get sleepy and i dont want to fall asleep with my 3ds on because i'm afraid i will break it in my sleep because i just have really fucking bad luck.
I watch netflix but i can only do that for so long too.
I dont have the patience to read. but then again, i havent really tired that much lately either. i guess i could do that.
i am getting antsy as fuck about getting health insurance because i am scared to death of it and excited at the same time. i keep thinking maybe things will get better. but then i keep thinking... what if i found out something really bad and it ruins my life? i could live on being oblivious and just live without worrying and having some kind of weird sickness or something hanging over my head. i have no idea wtf is going on with my health or my body i have not had a doctor in over 10 years. never have a p doc. never have a physical never had anything.
its just so much easier this way.
i'm starting to think that maybe even if i get insurance i wont use it unless i am deathly sick.
i dont even think my meds work anyway. i think its just placebo bull shit i dont feel like they are doing anything at all. so why am i still taking them?

so the only plans we have are ... going to a Renaissance fair next weekend in north alabama (florence i think it is) and we are going to stay over night.
i don't know how i will handle it. sometimes i think i will be ok.
and then there are other days where i am so disgusted with myself i dont want to get out of bed or put clothes on or bathe or eat or breathe.
i dont know how i will handle being in a place with lots of people. usually if its in an outdoor place i am okay. crowded indoor places get me really bad. my anxiety is hit or miss a lot of the time. people think that just because i dont have a panic attack one time over something that i am magically cured and can do anything without a problem. but thats not how it is. at all. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days and sometimes i can do certain things and other things i cant do i cant predict it or explain it. so theres a chance we could go to this thing and i could be scared to death to even get out of the car and do shit. so what happens then? we have wasted a trip. a weekend. wasted money. i dont have a magical pill to make it easier to handle. i dont have shit.
so while he wants to go to this renaissance fair.... and i wish i could want to go... i really dont know what i want to do because i dont know how i will handle it until we are already there.
i guess if i cant do it he can take me to the hotel and leave me there. but check in isnt until the afternoon and we will get there in the morning. so what the fuck am i going to do?
i hate myself and i hate this life and i dont understand why i have to be the one with all this bullshit problems i will never know what its like to feel normal or have a normal day or do things without being afraid or scared or upset or... i dont know. it just feels really pointless right now. all of it.
chronic mental illness is a son of a bitch and i will NEVER get rid of it.
it doesnt GO AWAY.
this is my fucking life
and i dont even know if i want to live it
but its all i fucking have

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Sleepy Sunday

So... The festival was yesterday. And we had bad luck with the shepards hill place again. I tried it last year and didn't sell anything. Dad tries it this year and sold one thing all day. We are all in agreement that we will do the Druid City Arts and Crafts Festival next spring. So we need another tent and two more tables.
I think i will do good at the druid city festival.. I have better stuff than I did last time I did it.
I started feel really crappy yesterday while I was at the festival and It just got worse... I slept for 4 hours woke up for an hour. Slept for another 3 hours. And so on. But I woke up this morning and I felt like death. I am sleeping on the floor because I am keeping Stan awake at night moving around and talking and shit in my sleep. So I hurt from sleeping on the floor. And my head is stopped up. Nose is stopped up. Throat is sore. Sinus is draining. Coughing. Runny nose. Idek. I stay asleep for an hour and have to sleep again.

I started laundry and woke up just now so I have to put it in the dryer.

Stan has to go back to work Monday. Tomorrow. He worked Friday even though he wasn't supposed to. He had no choice.

I don't know what I'm gonna do this next week. Probably try to not get worse... I can't go to the doctor for this. So I have to push through and use the power of my mind to not get sick.

I don't have much to say.
Gonna go do shit now.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

A quiet start to the week... Festival this weekend.

It's only wednesday... but I have a feeling this week is going to be a good one for me. And also know that 70% of making this happen is BELIEVING its going to happen. (#thesecret)
So on Monday I went to town and got things I didn't want Stan to get for me because I had already made him spend so much money. (every time this happens I get this really bad self hate and it nags at me for days)

So i got some washi tape for my planner, paper clips, etc. i also got stuff for dad to display his wood decor wall hangings at the festival this saturday. i worked on my planner after i got home until it was time to cook dinner. YES i cooked dinner. my husband wants fish sticks and macaroni and cheese.. so i made that for him while he was on the way home. i ate one serving of the fish sticks and half a serving of the mac and cheese (that stuff has a fuck ton of calories, btw)
i have been having really bad "hypnic jerks" or :convulsions or whatever they are .. when i'm falling asleep. i heard recently that this is a possible side effect of psychiatric medications and that if the medication isn't stopped they have the potential to most likely be permanent. so fml apparently i am stuck with this shit unless they have some kind of medicine for epilepsy that can keep me from flopping around on the bed for an hour before falling asleep every night. sometimes it's so bad i just give up and stay awake.. which is bad for my bipolar... throws my moods off. causes mixed or hypomanic episodes. but i'll be damned if i lay in bed next to my husband (who is trying to sleep so he can go to work) while flopping around on the bed like a fish our of water every 4-10 seconds or so. So I have decided that until we figure out what is going on and (hopefully) are able to get it better...I am going to go into the living room and try to sleep or just do whatever i do when i'm awake at night.

on monday night i laid in bed through the hypnic jerks and actually got a good nights sleep. (i gave up one time and tried again)

and tuesday was a good day.... i ate my "safe" foods and watched orange is the new black and chilled out in the living room because stan came home early.. my husband is sick and he never ever gets sick so i know it must be pretty bad. =( i worry about him so much.
so I let Stan have the bedroom and i camped out on the couch all day.
Stan did something really really nice and used his debit card to pay for me to get a downloadable virtual console game form the nintendo e-store for the 3ds. even though i didn't deserve it at all. so now i have pokemon gold to play!!!! and maybe.. just maybe.... i will get the pokemon bank thing and i can keep all my pokemon from the games... and never lose my precious little babies that i raise in the games... because they are my babies. i love my pokemon.
on tuesday mom went with pawpaw to tuscaloosa to get him some velcro shoes... because, well, he is having trouble putting his shoes on. i mean he is 82 after all... no shame in velcro shoes lol

and now its wednesday
i didnt sleep last night. at all. but i feel ok. which means i'm getting hypomanic. which means i have to be careful. i do bad things when i get manic.

later today we are going to the storage unit to look for the cash box and money bag for dad to use at the festival on saturday.
after that we are going to go to winn-dixie and get me some yogurt because i am running low.... i eat so much yogurt... its crazy.

on friday night we are going to the festival site to set up the tent and tables for saturday.. so make things easier saturday morning.

on saturday the entire family crew is gonna be there to support dad. he has worked really hard on this stuff and i am impressed and proud of him and his work. i will take photos and post them here or on facebook. the stuff he has made is mostly bible verses and stuff... wall hangings and such.
there is a slight possibility that some of my aunts/uncles will come to the festival. maybe more people i don't know.... and really, i don't want to think about it too much because it makes me nervous and i am already going to be a nervous wreck of anxiety because its a festival with people and noise and i am uncomfortable like... i am being judged by every single person who looks at me.... i can't make the feelings stop.. it is constant... the feeling of being judged and watched and found disgraceful and ugly and fat and worthless and useless and disgusting.

this is what i go through every day. this voice in my head that watches over me and judges me. i don't get to relax. i don't get time to be normal. its always there. and people wonder why i am so stressed out or acting weird... you try fighting a battle with your own mind every single second of every single day. and that's just the social anxiety and eating disorder part. don't even get me started on the bipolar batshits. jesus christ.

so anwyays.... i know Alabama homecoming is saturday but we are going to be busy... atleast we wont be having a huge party cookout with tons of greasy fatty food that i want to eat but can't and feel miserable about.

so anyways... its wednesday. going to the grocery store this afternoon. and storage unit. storage unit first. then grocery store.

i need to change the litter in the cat box!!!! i completely forgot! but i have to wait until the garbage truck has gotten the garbage so i can get the garbage can and put the used litter in there.... so i dunno when i will be doing that i guess i will ask mom if the truck has run yet.

my mom is putting in an avon order today and she is ordering me 3 of the BIG volumizing mascaras in waterproof black. i have tried to use mascara from walmart or the drug store or whatever.. and i just can't do it.. nothing works for me as good as the avon stuff. i don't know what i will do if she ever stops selling avon. lol

it's 11am so i'm gonna go check on my husband and see if he is awake and wants food.

its three weeks until the open enrollment for Stan's insurance.
I am nervous and dreading it and excited all at once. I have mixed feelings about some things regarding my mental health treatment and i don't know... i will just have to wait and see what happens.

anyways good day to anyone who reads this. blessings to you.

Friday, October 6, 2017

TGIF-- its been one hell of a week.

this has been a horrible week full of bad stuff.....
lets recap shall we?


I washed the bedding and put on fresh stuff the bed feels nice and clean. i gathered up the clothes i need to get dry cleaned soon before fall. I did my laundry but didn't put it up lol.
and of course the shooting happened over night or last night or something. they arent calling him a domestic terrorist when thats obviously what he is.... they are trying to make us only associate the word terrorist with islam people and other such people... its making me sick to my stomach... its not fucking ok... like.. so mad.. so so so so so mad.
so horrible. the guy has no forseeable motives.. i think he is just a legit psychopath and decided to go human hunting. he was a high stakes gambler so maybe he was looking for the next adrenaline "rush"...

and then the bad thing--- Tom Petty died. he was so important to me. jesus.
I have made a list of my favorite songs... its really long

  • "Breakdown"
  • "The Wild One Forever"
  • "American Girl"
  • "I Need To Know"
  •  "Listen To Her Heart"
  • "Refugee"
  • "You Got Lucky"
  • "Free Fallin'"
  • "I Won't Back Down"
  • "Runnin' Down A Dream"
  • "Yer So Bad"
  • "Into The Great Wide Open"
  • "Wildflowers"
  • "You Don't Know How It Feels"
  • "You Wreck Me"
  • "It's Good To Be King"
  • "Honey Bee"
  • "Mary Jane's Last Dance"

seriously... seeing tom petty was one of the only concerts i really really wanted to go to. i already saw the Steve Miller Band.
i dont want to see Fall Out Boy because i've watched them live and i would be setting myself up for disappointment. plus i dont really like their new album. I like the one right after they came off hiatus. but idk... i am just not feeling the current music on the radio.
I have been listening to the cool oldies station on iHeartRadio everytime i drive somewhere. and in honor of Tom Petty they are doing a station that plays only Tom Petty... usually if you search for an artist it will play the artist and other similar artist... but right now tom petty plays ONLY tom petty.

i do want to see a few of the band concerts at the music moody building this fall/winter. i need to update stan on those so we dont miss the good ones i think there is one monday or tues of next week.


ok on tuesday i started playing pokemon sun again.. i went to the first island and got out new level one pokemon that i got from wonder trade that i never used before
-eevee (it evolved into a sylveon on its own really fast so awesome)
-vulpix (i got a vulpix from an older game in wonder trade so someone put theirs in the pokebank and uploaded to the sun/moon stuff. because the sun/moon versions of vulpix are ice instead of fire.... and this vulpix is fire... and it turned into ninetails with a stone.
-petilil i got from wonder trade... i evolved into a Lilligant (which is the pokemon i named my cat after)

 those are some of the ones i've used or am using... i cant remember the others (when they have evolved all the times they will i put them away and take out another and work on it)
 and i dont want to get out my 3ds yet
 (the level one pokemon were bred in the pokemon nursery in any of the games that are on the 3ds (including the downloadable old school games-- they are compatible with the PokeBank... and they can be transferred into the new game)
i finally got my own clothes put up and did some clothes organizing for fall (again) i have so many clothes its really hard to get it done.. and we are going to get more clothes from storage and buy some so its not over yet....
i was really lazy on tuesday... a lot of pokemon and watching "Orange is the New Black" on netflix. i dunno how many episodes are there but i need to finish so i can move on to the other stuff i wanna watch... lol this is taking up to much time haha


on wednesday i went to winndixie to get out of the house... i bought those really awesome "clif" protein bars that work as meal replacements. they were marked down to $1 a piece so that was good.
I played pokemon on the 3ds. still tryin out the new pokemon.
i cleaned the bedroom!!!! took out three bags of trashhhh... omg


thursday i worked on the shopping list for sunday. kept an eye on the tropics... played pokemon some more. and i attempted to pick out a ring for christmas... i dunno. 
i couldn't sleep so i stayed in the livingroom so stan could rest without me waking him up a lot all night with my noise.
i binged after everyone went to bed last night.. lots of food i ate..and i didn't purge.... so... fml fml fml fml fml
i fell asleep around 3am listening to tom petty


today is friday and i got up early and saw stan off to work and got ready and went to town to get some stuff.... i went to the store and attempted to buy food to replace what i had eaten
and i came home and now i'm relaxing... updating me blog... watching the news and weather and shit.
might take a nap idk
the tropical storm nate track has moved more to the east so that is bad for stan... he might have to go down there to cover it
they are doing pizza for dinner and i am not eating it after eating so much last night omgggg i just cant even... no

looking ahead--

on saturday stan has to go to marion, al for a interview for a story.. and he wont be back until... like.. dinner time. but he doesnt go until after lunch. so he can sleep in.
the game is away and i dont suppose we will do anything this weekend.

on sunday (if the tropical storm/hurricane nate doesnt ruin it-- if it hits the gulf coast of alabama and is bad he will have to go down there. he is scared and i am trying to be understanding but i just.. dont see what there is to be scared of. not with a storm thats less than a cat 3. i dont know.. maybe i am just talking out my ass because i've never stood in one but i dont think i would have that much trouble staying at the coast when a storm hit. unless it was a 3 or 4  or 5. i guess its normal to fear things.. maybe my not fearing things is a bad thing because i am careless with my life? idek whatever)

so anyways pending the storm not ruining it... stan and i are going by the storage unit (not sure if we are going before we shop or after) to get stuff for the festival that dad is doing on october 14. so excited about this.. he has been working so hard on his wood work stuff and i just hope he gets a good reception from these people... i know i tried it with my jewelry and i didnt sell a single thing last year :(
after we go to the storage unit we have to go to the radio station so stan can do stuff for work. we might go to the mall (if stan wants to look for clothes for him) ... other wise we will go to walmart and i will get some clothes and other necessities that are really important.. we might get stuff at walmart that is cold and ... i dunno we have to work out the logistics of when we can go where to keep things from meting or going bad in the car. i really dont like the idea of going to winndixie or walmart and then taking the groceries up the elevator to the station and putting them in the fridge there and then taking them back down. it just seems like an unnecessary hassle to me when you could just work around it. i mean... what am i missing here? i dont get it

Sunday, October 1, 2017

weekly recap sept 25th - oct 1st

It's been a long time since I have updated. I'm not going to talk about the vacation because it's nobody's business. I went to the beach. thats that.

Here's the weekly report lol

MONDAY SEPT 25, 2017:

Back to the grind. Stan goes back to work and am at home doing random stuff. I started unpacking the stuff from the vacation... i hung up as much clothes as possible but i ran out of hangers (mom went to nana and pawpaws and got me more hangers so we didn't have to buy any)
over night my dad passed out in the bathroom on the floor and that makes me worry alot... he seems fine now but still-- thats not good. they dont have health insurance and anymore. =( =( =(

I woke up really early.. at 4:45am... the concert was tuesday night an it was awesome.
I left the house around 3:30pm and went to walmart to get a clear plastic see through bag clutch thing to take into the concert because they are worried about security. here is a pic of my in the car of the walmart parking lot.
the sun was shining and i couldnt tell what the photo actually looked like so i was like "lets just do it" and posted it anyways lol

 we had dinner at pearl garden.
I ate 3 egg rolls and they were delicious. they are quiet big and very filling.
however i was craving sweets so we went to a store and got me some sweets lol
i thought i would be satisfied with the reese's but it was the tastykake pie that really hit the spot.
i was very unhappy with eating so much but stan reminded me that it was a "DATE NIGHT" and i should give myself a break. so.... yeah.

we went to the amphitheater parking area and gor really good close parking because stan has a handicap tag. we were really early so we just stood around in the parking lot for a while.
parking lottttt....

when we went into the thing to get our seats a guy came up to use and asking where we were sitting with our tickets and he gave us tickets closer to the stage. FOR FREE. it was so awesome!!!!!
I really liked the opening band- St. Paul and the Broken Bones.
i want to see them again if i can. they have a good vibe going.
I liked Hall and Oates too but I was sad i didnt recognize more of their songs... =(
heres the stage.. we were closer than we would've been. and there were empty seats around us so we could have more room to get comfortable. the entire row in front of us was empty.
I ran into Alex on the stairs to the smoking section and he said hi and i saw him walking with Zack to the little wall you can sit on by the bathroom and i went down there and Sagen went into the bathroom. we talked a bit. but not long. there really wasnt time to talk lol
I went back to stan and we listened to the rest of the concert. I really enjoyed spending time with stan like this. and I have decided we should go to some indoor concert performances of the UA symphonic bands or concert bands or whatever in the Moody Music Building on campus. it would make me happy because i miss music a lot... and it would be a good time for us to spend time together away from the house.

anyways.... we found out later that Alex got sick and they had to leave the concert early... apparently he had food poisoning. he was really really sick. =( it wasnt contagious i dont think. i hugged him and i am fine.

getting out of the parking lot at the theater was INSANE. people just wouldn't stop coming. we had to wait forever. and then when we finally got some space to leave... the other cars were coming through and wouldnt stop even one second to let us out. eventually we got out and stan took me to my car and walmart and we headed home... i left before him and he beat me home. lol i missed the first turn to get to my house (i have trouble seeing at night), so i took an alternate route .. and he beat me home. lol
we didnt get in bed until midnight... stan was really tired the next day.

on WEDNESDAY Sept 27, 2017
got 4 hours of sleep...I did the usual seeing stan off to work... then i got dressed and went to town because i had planned to shop the day before.. before the concert but i didn't make it to town in enough time.
so I went to big lots for the first time in over a year ... and was highly disappointed. most of the things they had were more expensive than dollar tree and walkmart. except for i found those pretzel crisps chips in original flavor ... the big party size bag for $1.90... which $2 less or so. I spent a LOOOOOOT of money when I went to walkmart. I got halo top ice cream, i cant believe its not butter spray, banana pop tarts, yogurt, tuna, tapioca, sugar free peach preserves, sprinkles for cookies, razors for shaving, breakfast granola biscuits in blueberry for stan, some zapps chips called "voodoo" flavor and they are sooooo good, i got a big bag of those litle dum dum suckers, a cookies and creame candy bar, a bag of candy corn for mom and dad, i got vanilla frosting to make cookies for the game on the week end. and i got dry cat food for the kitties.
 at night i looked up the concerts at the moody and saved some of them to my calendar to make sure i know about them and dont forget.

thursday i had trouble sleeping so i woke up at like 2:30 am and stayed up.
i didn't do much on thursday--- but i did organize my closet and clothes for fall!!!!!! which is kind of big deal cause its really hard and lot of clothes in a tiny space.

FRIDAY SEPT 29, 2017
i had another bad night of sleep... like 2 hours of sleep
I baked my cookies for the game.

I ate some of the other store bought cookies we had and i binged and i felt really bad. like so fat and horrible. i went to sleep and had severe convulsions again. for the second night a row.

another night of bad sleep... the convulsion are getting to me i am scared to even try to sleep and i get severe anxiety before bedtime and i fight my sleep because i know its gonna happen and then it starts happening when i'm awake and just SITTING THERE. like im having spasms convulsions while i'm awake sitting or standing just... randomly
i took a shower... much needed.

before the game stan and i went to the store to get more stuff for the game get together because david and lauren were coming (they came but they were really late.. like after the start of the game and after dinner and the cooking) stan got me tuna and yogurt and gum... we got some bottled water and more wings for stan to cook and some bbq sauce.
i was really nice to everyone and i tried really hard to be social. i had a little help with that. so it was easier.

i had trouble sleeping AGAIN... my convulsions get... so weird.. like my arm jerk around and move and shit and my legs kick and my torso tightens up and shit. 

so now its sunday


I am doing laundry today and we are eventually going to watch Game of Thrones and get me caught up to as far as they have on HBO now.

stan is feeling bad so he rescheduled his interview with the lady that is doing a story on him because he is a big fucking deal =) =P

Anyway 😘😎

this update took forever to type because i kept getting distracted lol

Friday, September 8, 2017

well, here. heres an update

lol i came here to update and i ended up on my sitestat thing obsessing over trying to figure out who was what in my visitors and traffic and pageloads haha, i am pathetic

just so know you if your read this, i probably can tell you do because i keep track of pageloads. its awesome

i made an outline last night for my blog post so i'm going to try that instead of just word vomiting brain dumping onto the keyboard screen computer thing blog site thing
(i'm also going to try and make this blog post more interesting like i used to do..... GIFS AND SHIT YALL WOOHOOO SHINY PRETTY THINGS MAKE THE SADS GO BYEBYEE... the really do sometimes for real srsly irl)

My nana has been dead for 11 days.

just 11 days
time has spread out to fill up so much... things have been moving so slow... i am glad though because if it hadn't i would have felt like i was rushed through this mourning period and that would feel even worse. though not even this feels like enough. i can't begin to explain the things and reasons nana means so much to me. i am going to stop trying. i will say that one of her last wishes was to go to the beach and thats why i am so dead set on it. i told her stan and i were going (it was the last lucid day i saw her) and she made a joke about wanting to come along but couldnt because it was our wedding anniversary.

i am crying now.

Hercules died a little over a year ago and that is makes stan sad but he isn't talking about it because he knows i am so upset about my nana and i want him to read this and know that he can be sad. we can cry together. it is ok. but they are both.... herc and nana.. they were in pain. and they arent anymore. i have to keep reminding myself that... otherwise i cant handle...  life.... at all



on top of this.
i am worried about pawpaw. he is living there alone. where she lived they lived she died. he slept in the recliner in the livingroom near the hospital bed the whole time. did you know that? he wouldn't sleep in his bed.
he tells us he is ok. he says he wants to go back to driving/fetching cars for the car dealership in fayette that he knows the owners and he has been doing that for years... and loves it. and now he can do it as much as he want because...... he doesnt have to worry about nana being alone..... at the house..... because she was always falling and hurting herself and.... oh ok ok stop stop stop

i am worried about mawmaw.

(i have two grandparents left.... my dad's dad Ray Reynolds died when was young, pawpaw jack -mawmaw's second husband- died when i was in my early 20s... nana died just now.... i have mawmaw and pawpaw left. one from each side)
she has been having neurological issues and memory problems and i dont know... its really complicated because she was 7 kids? or 6?  its 7 right? i think its 7 (can you imagine me trying to remember these things when i was growing up... lololool i have no idea how i did it!)
they are all trying to take turns taking care of her but its not working out very well and i dont know what is going to happen. they took her to the ER because they found out some test results and wanted to get that fixed up immediately and then something else went wrong so they are doing more tests... and as far as i know she has been there for almost 24 hours and they are still trying to get tests done??? =( so sad and i am so upset and i cant... my mind goes to the darkest places right now.... and all i can think of is.... what if she dies this year too? what.... if pawpaw dies? he is driving cars and he is in his 80s i mean... its scary... i get worried about stan driving to work every day... and now pawpaw driving everywhere in the southeast... and mawmaw is sick and has been for a while and they dont know whats wrong and...
just .... i am not ok

 i really really really really need health insurance

i think i cry about that almost as much as i cry about this other stuff. because i know i could be better i could be stronger if i had better medicine and therapy and i just... i want to be stronger for my family and not be a burden that lies in bed and cries all day and i hate myself but i cant stop it


enough of that.
i have this outline i have to finish this blog post like i planned lol

and we will NOT be attending the wedding of a one mr. mac and cb
she stole my wedding day. she set her date right after going to my reception. she knew what she was doing. its like girl world. mean girls shit. seriously. we are fighting without fighting. i really need to watch meangirls now... omg that will cheer me up!
so..... THE ALABAMA FOOT BALL GAME is in tuscaloosa tomorrow so we can't do the stuff we wanted to do on our anniversary and sat... the actual day---- but ok. we will wait until sunday...
dad is working with a friend saturday morning, so the idea of cooking out with pawpaw at nana and pawpaws house isnt like we thought... so either pawpaw can come here and we cook here or... idk
he should come here.... he likes to drive. and this is his land, after all. its his home. its his Tara. he will do anything to keep it.
so we will do something saturday (tomorrow) just dont know what?

and then

we are going to Hokkaido (i love this place because i get to SEE THEM COOK MY FOOD. it is so very soothing for my eating disorder and ocd and anxiety to be able to see what happens to what i'm about to eat. how much butter how much oil how much this and that. i know i cant tell them to cook it differently but i can atleast SEE and KNOW and adjust how much of it i eat so i dont gain ALL THE WEIGHT AND POUNDS BACK IN THE WHOLE WORLD. (take home boxes are awesome)
THEN we are going to see the most recently Stephen King movie.... "It" which is going to scare the hell out of Stan but he says he is determined to go. if he changes his mind---- they are still showing Gunslinger and he saw that with my dad and not me and i havent seen it... so i can offer that up if he seems to scared of the clown............
we might do some shopping almost on sunday i dont know


anniversary trip sept 18-21st

we were going to go to panama city beach for our one year wedding anniversary vacation. i had been wanting to go to the beach for years now and things kept getting in the way or something always went wrong and stopped us. and i wanted to go to PCB... because thats where i always went with my nana. and pawpaw. and mom and dad. i know they  closed the miracle strip amusement park. i know they closed most of the good things in pcb... but its still pcb... and the roads are still the same roads... and the landmarks are mostly the same. and i have memories there. specific things of some things.... with nana. one particular (shell island--- i will explain later if we end up going)
but because of IIIIIIIRMAAAAAA we might not get to go to PCB. i have made peace with that on the fact that it will be there and i can go there later and talk to God and nana on the beach at sunset or sunrise or anytime with the beach nana loved the beach and god is in everything the ocean feels so spiritual for me.. idk
IF we cant go to pcb we will try orange beach/gulf shores
which is close to places we went before. so we have places we know we like to go and so much more that we didnt get to do and... yeah. just getting a beach front room is the thing. its kind of the most important thing right now. i was ready to cave and get anything if we could just go... but stan said he really wants beach front. so i want beach front even more and dont feel bad about wanting it lol

if all beaches are off we have talked about new orleans or some place in tennessee or i dont know... there is no telling. we could honestly just pick a town and get a room for three days and go... i dont think it would matter... but it would be nice to go to PCB. or the beach in general. or if not that... new orleans... or something

in other news i had the anxiety attack from hell yesterday while waiting for mom and dad to come back from picking up mawmaw and bringing her here. i spent 30 mins trying to do the eye mascara on JUST THE BOTTOM EYELASHES OF MY LEFT EYE
i am not joking

i was shaking so bad i kept messing it up
over and over and over and over andover and over and over
like i even took breaks and checked up on stuff and came back and tried again and still the shaking and messing up and eventually.... by the end of the day.. i have about 849340932 coats of mascara on. idek.

and then i left the house by myself. which was good. and bad. like always. i enjoy the freedom but i hate being looked at when i'm alone. and people really make me nervous....

i have noticed here lately that i talk when i get nervous???? i dont think that is the normal for me--- i think its a bipolar mania manic plus anxiety thing. becase if i'm normal or depressed and anxious i dont talk i just shut down
so here again--- hard to get people to take you seriously about anxiety when you have another mental illness that its symptoms over rides it sometimes and yeah... the cluster fuck of mental illness is the bane of many many many peoples existance. it part of why nana never got better.... she had a different doctor for everything... sigh nobody was telling the other what they were doing and blah blah blah

cant think abou it right now cant do it wont do it wont do it cant do it nope

this is a really long post so i'm going to stop and add some GIFSSSSSS to make it happy looking and post. i should check the word count on this thing because hot diggity damn i type a lot really fast- even when i havent used an actual keyboard in a really long time.
maybe i should get some typing data entry job that i dont have to talk to people at... i wish i could find that. i could do that.. just typing in shit all day... i i could do that... i'm good at that look at it i can type this is all good right lmao okokok i am being funny because i really am sad and i want to cry and scream and throw things but i have to put my big girl panties on. no time for mourning anymore. life goes on. etc etc. maybe someday i will get away and have time to myself to just sob uncontrollably. someday

blessings xo