Sunday, July 10, 2016

i've been putting off blogging

because
1. my nails are so long i can barely type lol
2. i dont have anything to say
3. i have been writing in my real paper journal as much as possible because i need to do that before this
4. shit sucks balls


i found out recently that my therapist that i had finally found and liked is no longer going to be doing therapy
because she is getting promoted to management level position. so yay for her but like... she knew that this would be hard for me because i told her all the times they kept juggling me around and i never get to stay with the same person. and she is doing it to me again.
she is going to see me one more time but after that i am off to meet another therapist and start this long ass process of telling my life story over again.
its takes just as long to tell it as it does for them to decided to leave me.
its kind of traumatizing
as a matter of fact i'm pretty sure i would have a good case against this place if i had to ability to take legal action against it.

stan and i have had some good days and bad days
mostly good though. i am letting him take me out places even though i hate spending money. it helps to get out of the apartment. being here scares me and i just sleep all day. i cant go outside. and now theres a chance we might not move and i dont know how i am going to handle that. more drugs? maybe? who the fuck knows.
maybe once i get pokemon i wiill be better. or at least the 3ds in general because there are more games for it ?? i think? atleast more games that i would be interrested in.

i dont know where stan keeps the nail clippers but let me tell you i could probably perform surgery with these claws. they're so long and sharp. i can barely work my touch screen phone anymore.

i get mad every morning because my cat comes and wakes me up for food but i realize its also very cute and i should cherish it because its what a kid does. i guess pissed is the wrong word. i just want to sleep but she needs to be tended to like a princess. she is  a princess. i swear she is. and she knows it too.

today we have to go shopping but i might stay home because i am unclean and gross
i havent the energy to wash myself in the past few days
i dont smell that bad because i dont go outside to sweat but its still .. i know i'm gross

i have to do laundry today and that scares me because everytime i use the dryer its possible it could catch fire
i have been coloring massive amounts lately and i have almost colored every sheet that i care for coloring and i need new books.

also i think the amount of ITCHY i get corresponds to the length of my nails. like my body knows i have nails and it says "Now You MUST ITCH" i will have to ask Jo is this happens to her (she is the only person i know who keeps long nails all the time)
my cat loves it when i grow my nails out... maybe that is why she is bothering me all the time lol  MOMMMMMMMMM SCRATCH MY EARS MOMMM DAMn it SCRATCH THEM NoWWW

my shift button on the right side randomly doesnt work when i'm holding it down to make text caps i wonder why because i was holding it down the whole time and it randomly didnt work just now





in other news i keep having dreams about being sexually assaulted. it happens almomst every night
i wonder if this happens to a lot of people and nobody ever says anything becase we are afraid to talk about it?
its always so random OR its scary specific every now and then.

i miss talking to people online but i dont know how to keep it up because i cant think of naything to talk about. the person i wanna talk to is kind of busy lately and i dont really need to talk to him all the time anyways. i just like to because he already understands how i flit around from one thing to another and my train of though is non existent. it makes talking to people really hard.

i guess i could try talking to people i already know
but i feel like i disappoint them when i talk about being depressed
which is all the time
so i just dont do that

seriously itchy as fuck right now only on my shoulders im gonna claw the skin off or something i swear
might be dry skin i dunno

right now i am tryig to decide if i want to eat something
i havent pooped in like.. 5 days. maybe 6 days
and my weight is lower than normal because i am trying not to eat because stuff i ate never made it back out and that scares me
where does it go? i dont know but it didnt make it to poop and so if i eat more what happens? am i going to back up and vomit poop? i mean what happens here
SURELY THERE HAS BEEN AN EPISODE OF HOUSE OR GREYS ANATOMY THAT COVERS THIS IN ALL THESE YEARS I MUST WATCH UNTIL I DISCOVER AN ANSWER

that was supposed to be a funny but i think it failed

then i need to play pokemon. i cant beat this gym leader so i have to level up and i dont know where to do that it seems like there are sparse places tolevel up in this city area. so boo ... i did just get them HM fly so i guess i can fly back to places and level up maybe they knew that would be needed and they gave it to us just now for that reason DUH TABS of course they DID.
i'm almost out of fruitloops
(fruit loops is my happy fun play videogame snack)

i need to make a shopping list for stan
this blog entry is really long i am proud of it
i need the little kitten gif from facebook tha ti use when i feel proud i dont know how to get it here though booooooo
*proud cat image goes here*

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