Monday, April 4, 2016

we've been engaged for a year now

and dating for two years.
seems like 5 years, but not in that bad way .. the good way like. i am happy and lost track of time because i am happy and living life.

Stan and i have been fighting a lot lately--- i'm going through a lot psychologically and mentally and its making me really hard to live with and i want to thank Stan for being so patient with me. i think he has almost wanted throw in the towel here lately and i can't express quite as well as i wish i could, the fact that i am amazed and grateful and feel unworthy of this. always. still. not sure if i will ever feel good enough and it eats at me.

the festival is this saturday and i hope maybe i will feel less insane after that but i have a pretty big feeling that after its over i will feel really empty and more lost because i wont have a project or big event to think about.

i mean, if we knew we were getting married at all that would be something but i dont even know if we are or how its going to happen and what i need to do to get ready? because we havent put any solid plans down after unofficially officially calling off the wedding but not telling anybody really. oops.
its not that we arent getting married-- we are. we will. i just dont know when. and i dont want a wedding. its stupid and wasteful and thousands of dollars we would be outing parents for no god damn reason. its selfish. it's the most selfish thing girls DO.. and i HATE that about women... the selfish thing. so no. no wedding the same reason i dont like expensive clothes and make up that has to reason to be expensive. its just stupid. its even MORE stupid because you dont get to USE a wedding for months like you can use a piece of clothing or make up. its just NEEDLESS SHIT SPENDING and i wont have it.

this is random but i wake up every night around 1-4 am and i am so fucking hungry
like its enough to wake me from dead sleep
every night
if i'm asleep, that is
my blood sugar crashes sometimes and i just lay here in misery because i will be damned if i eat in the middle of the night. i might have a peppermint. or a bite of something. i should take a glucose tablet when that happens, and i will probably start doing that. but i will go through them faster and then have another thing i have to ask stan to buy me.
sigh

i hate being needy and asking for every little thing i need. it makes me feel worthless and he doesnt understand that.
or doesnt care.

not sure what i'm gonna do right now.
blaaaahhh
not really sleepy

1 comment:

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