Wednesday, January 27, 2016

...hump days can be sad days too...

i finished one of those books that i bought on a whim and it was creepy awesome good
now i have to read more jane austen and this other love psycho thriller novel or whatever lol

i am about to transition into a different kind of day keeper... with the fauxdori and what not...  that happens in february

stan fried chicken yesterday and it was DELICIOUSSSS
things might be moving forward in the social security disability thing and it is right on time because i am getting really really scared everyday about things happening and not knowing what is going to happen is... it is just... not.. not okay.. ok not okay

i cried a lot today and i didnt even mean to
it just happened
i was sobbing
i cant explain it and its happening again

i am not sad i am just worried everything is going to fall apart and i will be crushed and my life will be in pieces and i will have nowhere to go and i dont know what to do to make it stop everything is is wrong
everything is dirtty and contaminated and i have to ignore it and block it out if i think about it i will lose my mind... its getting harder to keep it together and i just want to sleep for a long time but i cant even sleep hardly and i just.. i cant shut off.. there is no rest. i dont unwinds the pressure just gets higher
i don tknow why i am sharing this i dont know anything i just want to hit pause and not have any thoughts at all for just one second.. just one second i want silence in here but it never comes... it never slows down

-------

an hour later i have cried and sobbed and stan has held me and we have talked and some pressure is gone from my head.. i have to do soothing things.. i dont know

when we start the medication change this weekend i hope things will start to turn around
just keep swimming and shit yo




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