Tuesday, November 17, 2015

tuesdayyyyyy nov 17 2015

today is big cleaning dayyyy


  • dust kindasorta there wasnt enough in one weeks time
  • vacuum
  • sweep
  • catbox
  • dishes in sink ?????

then i will sort some more jewelry maybe

i need to get on the bike today i havent done that in a whileeee but today i am doing a lot of physical work with the vacuum and sweeping so i dont know if i will.

gonna read this book "the dark beyond the stars" apparently there is LGBT material in it and i dont remember that when i read it when i was a kid but that i ok i dont care.. i just remember the book having a big impact on me thinking about space exploration and travel and what not.

today my meds didnt knock my out so bad... which i am thankful for!

last night stan and i had a little romp around midnight and i am happy we did. i felt very sexy and and i supposed to will start to feel that way more and more now that i dont hate looking at my body as much as i did before i lost weight.... it was literally like torture.. i couldnt imagine anybody else wanting to touch me... i felt disgusting.. i still do but its less now and i feel like i might look semi-ok.

anyways



finishing my english breakfast tea and then changing the catbox... doing that first because i usually spill a little litter on the rug and i can vacuum it up with the vacuum if i do that next so yay productivityyyy



okay the day went by in a blur... i vacuum talked to mom on the phone and found out my brother was coming by with  my mail that went to the house and he had Krista with him so we chatted and I gae Krista her official "WILL YOU BE MY BRIDESMAID" card.. now i have to mail julie/jess theirs and april hers lol... and start on the christmas cards oh my i think i will do that soon!! just need to sign then and write on evelopes the names and fill in addresses as we get them and add the STD and stan signs them and yeah....
so much to doooo i need to get on ittt lol
WEDDING PLANNING IS HARD YALL THE STRUGGLE IS REAL I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I AM UP FOR THIS ANYMORE LOL I JUST WANNA GET MARRIED AND HAVE OUR PLACE TOGETHER SOMEWHERE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER MY DREAMS HAVE ALL COME TRUE.. seriously... irl... so blessed.. i dont deserve this one fucking bit and it nags the hell out of me every god damn day. i will always have this feeling of un worthy ness ... its not going anywhere.. i will always be not ... good enough for this... but its been given to me anyways and i dont know what to do.. i just have to live my life.. i dont deserve it.. i know so many people who deserve this prince charming happily ever after that i'm getting and i just.. why me... i dont know.. i want to cry... i think i shall cry.. if only i could find a way to express that i REALIZE how odd and strange it is that me of all people .. gets this.. that i realize its not fair.. and i dont know how or why its happened and i feel guilty...  okay i am crying a lot

stan went out tonight with his friends from work, which is a really good thing. he needs to do that more often i think.. or he will go insane with the bad feels from work and shit.

i went to bed really early and woke up just now at 2am
and the storms are about to roll in in about 3 hours...

But i think i need to try and go back to sleep because Stan just came to bed
 



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