Thursday, October 22, 2015

not going on vacation. really bad thing happened

a close friend of stans.. and mine, whom stan works with.. died this morning. they were really good friends...

i am so sad. i cant.. i cant even.. i dont even know.. how can ... does.. what..
i dont know how stan is going to hold it together but i have to be stronger so that he can be weak for a while

i cant believe someone we knew would just die... like that. i was just talking about wanting to go to his place and playing "cards against humanity" with everybody again asap..


two night ago i had a dream about a black butterfly landing on my lip and i killed it trying to get it off.. i swallowed part of the black wings. in the dream i specifically remember saying "this is a bad omen isnt it.." i knew something horrible was going to happen soon.
my prayer box fell off my bobble of charms and amulets yesterday which freaked me the fuck out

i dont know.. i know its sudden but something inside me knew someone was going to die
i honestly though it would be hercules while we were away on vacation because he would be at my parents house with all the big dogs without us and scared and upset and not eat and freak out. but now we wont be going on vacation. now..
the world works in mysterious way

i try finding the connections between events even if it hurts when i do it -- because thats what i was put here for. i see things.

i just had thought to myself that we were taking too long to hang out with stans friend again because when we played cards against humanity that first time i really got to loosen up and be myself and it was great.
i dont even know how stan feels i cant imagine it.
i dont know how he even got out of bed.
i wouldnt have.
he is so much stronger than me.


Stan---baby, when you read this -- i love you and i will do anything you need me to okay?  and i know you are going to be short and angry and irritable and snappy and sad and i know its not me-- its just... everything... and its okay.. i am making myself ready for it. i will be able to handle it.. this is too much.. just too much.


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