Tuesday, September 22, 2015

its tuesdayyy

the game day thing this past weekend was a huge flop.
two of the guest couldnt make it and the game was really late so we were all sleepy and we had eaten well before the game because we couldnt wait until 8:30 pm to fucking eat
on top of that the game was horrible and made everyone in a bad mood.. most of us stopped watching at half time or shortly there after


while i was there i got to talk to Kim (mom's sister from another mister) about wedding stuff and atleast she i can talk to and not get chastised for being so vigilant and on top of things this early... she thinks i have every right to be planing right now. and i think i do... the more i do now the more i can handle the anxiety of when its going down better... if i have plans in place people can get them going and done even when im freaking out. if i dont have everything planned out then somebody might take liberties and and do what they want and i dont want that... i want to have the say.. its MY day. i also want stan to have a say in things. i want him to approve of most everything.
because i know me, i will probably just shut the fuck down the closer it gets to the wedding and i need to have everythinng in place in case that happens. and i need to have everybody who is part of the wedding party and helping plan to be on top of things.

that being said i do think i want Kim to help with the wedding because her and Mom are so close-- mom doesnt have any siblings.. so kim is like her sister. other females that can help with planning and decorating are my aunts maybe... my Aunt Alice (on my moms side) had always been their "go to" for wedding.bridal showers and such... and she just had serious heart surgery and all the meds and stuff have caused her to go into a serious stage of dementia... which breaks my fucking heart because she was the only one of my Nanas sisters that i actually liked and she always gave me her high priced shoes and stuff when she couldnt wear them and i had always had so many nice things... because they gave them to me and she just.. i dont know... i remember being at the house she is/was renting... the big plantation home in Fayette and i was there so much when i was younger it was so beautiful.. i always thought it was beautiful... if we werent on such bad terms with mom's side of the family AND aunt Alice hadnt went down hill right now.. i might have wanted to do something there just because its so nice and a LOT of my dad's side of the family is from/around fayette anyways. you'd just have to see the house to understand.. it was almost like going back in time to go there. and i know she doesnt OWN it.. she rents it because thats what she did.. Real Estate..
but she had been living in it for as long as i can remember since i was a little kid

i am just really sad about this andi havent had the time to express it to anyone

and it makes me think about how we were talking about my nana and Pawpaw being alive for the wedding and how scared i am that something might happen and they might not make it to next september... and also MawMaw.. i mean.. i am scared... i waited too long. i took too long to find Stan but if i hadnt have waited and found him i wouldnt have ever been really happy .. anyone else would have made me miserable somehow. i just... maybe ... maybe the wedding next year will help them hold on longer? and if they know we want to try and have a baby.. maybe even that will help too. nobody will let my Nana hold their babies... and it hurts her soul so bad.. i will let her... i might sit with her the whole time.. but i know mental illness is NOTHING SOMETHING YOU CAN CATCH BY BEING AROUND SOMEONE.. its GENETIC.
i want to give her this joy so much.. i dont... i am crying right now.. i have to stop talking about it and do something else

so i already know i need to be flexible on my bridesmaids.. i think i know who gordon will be dating and i already know i like the girl so i am not too worried about it but if he ends up alone and NOT dating at all (highly unlikely, but still) I might need both julie and Jess to be bridesmaids instead of just one. or if only one of them wants it i can ask Bama.


i need to do some netflix therapy now lol



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