Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Another week started.. Closer to the beach vacay

this past weekend we stayed home and relaxed all weekend.
we had corn on the cob and chicken on Saturday. my period started on the super blood full moon eclipse. I'm in sync with the moon.
I keep taking the same sinus allergy medicine and it doesn't seem to be working
that combined with my period headache and cramping I just haven't really been getting out of bed much lately.

though yesterday i did have a migraine i think.. it was only on one side and i was seeing spots and flickers of light and that side of my face was tingling a bit

oh well

i just tired to scrub the soap scum mold off the shower curtain thing that holds the shampoo and what not... it  hooks to the shower curtain hooks and hangs down.. anyways.. we have two and they were bad and i tried to scrub them... maybe the bleach will work a little over the next hour or two???



i just finished "beautiful you" by Palahniuk and its just.. wow. i think he just wanted to keep shocking people, honestly.. but some of the themes about mass media and marketing and stuff are nice -- that he points out stuff that people might not see 
i dont know
it was a crazy ass book to read and i loved it even though it was dirty  dirty dirty lol

my cousin april has suggested some books for me to read and i think i will pick one of those up when i return this book and the pagan book of holidays or whatever it is.

i dunno
things feel a little off this week

Friday, September 25, 2015

tgif tgif tgif

we are finally have a weekend at homeeeeeee.
tomorrow we are going to cook a nice dinner and we arent going to go anywhere.

I vacuumed today which is something that i had been putting off for a while and it as starting to really get me upset when i thought about how long i had put it off but the act of doing it seemed so overwhelming and exhausting... however--- the new vacuum cleaner Stan got me is AMAZING so i dont even know why i keep worrying about it-- it works so good.. i can do the whole apartment in 20 mins usually.

im keeping a paper handwritten food log now and its helping me a lot.


i am just so very much addicted to watching PrettyLittleLiars on netflix the girls are so pretty... and the fashion is amazing and im just... its a good distraction

we are going to the beach -- i got my psych appointment moved to the week before... so we are still going to the beach
i am excited and i have started making  up my packing list and started putting aside stuff i want to pack lol
i cant wait until last minute i will 1. go insane with anxiety 2. forget half of everything i need most likely

feeling a little drained today which makes me sad

everything seems to be ok
i just need to keep on my srs bsns diet for the rest of the year lol

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

its tuesdayyy

the game day thing this past weekend was a huge flop.
two of the guest couldnt make it and the game was really late so we were all sleepy and we had eaten well before the game because we couldnt wait until 8:30 pm to fucking eat
on top of that the game was horrible and made everyone in a bad mood.. most of us stopped watching at half time or shortly there after


while i was there i got to talk to Kim (mom's sister from another mister) about wedding stuff and atleast she i can talk to and not get chastised for being so vigilant and on top of things this early... she thinks i have every right to be planing right now. and i think i do... the more i do now the more i can handle the anxiety of when its going down better... if i have plans in place people can get them going and done even when im freaking out. if i dont have everything planned out then somebody might take liberties and and do what they want and i dont want that... i want to have the say.. its MY day. i also want stan to have a say in things. i want him to approve of most everything.
because i know me, i will probably just shut the fuck down the closer it gets to the wedding and i need to have everythinng in place in case that happens. and i need to have everybody who is part of the wedding party and helping plan to be on top of things.

that being said i do think i want Kim to help with the wedding because her and Mom are so close-- mom doesnt have any siblings.. so kim is like her sister. other females that can help with planning and decorating are my aunts maybe... my Aunt Alice (on my moms side) had always been their "go to" for wedding.bridal showers and such... and she just had serious heart surgery and all the meds and stuff have caused her to go into a serious stage of dementia... which breaks my fucking heart because she was the only one of my Nanas sisters that i actually liked and she always gave me her high priced shoes and stuff when she couldnt wear them and i had always had so many nice things... because they gave them to me and she just.. i dont know... i remember being at the house she is/was renting... the big plantation home in Fayette and i was there so much when i was younger it was so beautiful.. i always thought it was beautiful... if we werent on such bad terms with mom's side of the family AND aunt Alice hadnt went down hill right now.. i might have wanted to do something there just because its so nice and a LOT of my dad's side of the family is from/around fayette anyways. you'd just have to see the house to understand.. it was almost like going back in time to go there. and i know she doesnt OWN it.. she rents it because thats what she did.. Real Estate..
but she had been living in it for as long as i can remember since i was a little kid

i am just really sad about this andi havent had the time to express it to anyone

and it makes me think about how we were talking about my nana and Pawpaw being alive for the wedding and how scared i am that something might happen and they might not make it to next september... and also MawMaw.. i mean.. i am scared... i waited too long. i took too long to find Stan but if i hadnt have waited and found him i wouldnt have ever been really happy .. anyone else would have made me miserable somehow. i just... maybe ... maybe the wedding next year will help them hold on longer? and if they know we want to try and have a baby.. maybe even that will help too. nobody will let my Nana hold their babies... and it hurts her soul so bad.. i will let her... i might sit with her the whole time.. but i know mental illness is NOTHING SOMETHING YOU CAN CATCH BY BEING AROUND SOMEONE.. its GENETIC.
i want to give her this joy so much.. i dont... i am crying right now.. i have to stop talking about it and do something else

so i already know i need to be flexible on my bridesmaids.. i think i know who gordon will be dating and i already know i like the girl so i am not too worried about it but if he ends up alone and NOT dating at all (highly unlikely, but still) I might need both julie and Jess to be bridesmaids instead of just one. or if only one of them wants it i can ask Bama.


i need to do some netflix therapy now lol



Friday, September 18, 2015

a nice friday night at home =)

the town is probably insane tonight with the football game tomorrow--- Stan opted out of going out with Mac and his friends for birthday shenanigans  which is probably a really good thing because I know Stan has been working ridiculously hard this week and he needs a night to just chill the fuck out.

Especially since tomorrow we are going to drive up to my parents house (game day traffic boooooooo) and have a cook out and what not.. and he is going to cook, i think. and that takes focus. and the other people that will probably be there on top of that
THEN on sunday we are going to church and i am so excited... maybe we will ask about having the wedding ceremony there while we are there?
i dont know

it will be kind of exciting i guess.. maybe they will sing some good hymns and i can sing my little heart out haha

I am reading "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi and it is so fucking brutal and honest and no sugar coating the hellish world of eating disordered thinking... its harder for me to read than Wasted by Marya Hornbacher EVER was... This woman has been through so much and I am finding pieces of myself in her autobiography.

I am so torn on how i might not get to go to the beach that i cant even think about it and get excited about things to do there because i dont want to get excited and then get disappointed ..... ugh

so

instead i have been obsessing over the wedding which is making Stan pissy because "ITS A YEAR AWAY" yeah and you know... i get really distracted randomly for no reason.. i probably will find other shit to obsess over between now and then--- and i want to make sure i have the most important things planned and ready just incase i lose my mind???
i think its my anxiety about not remember things that makes me want to plan it so much... i am want to remember every little detail and write it down, pin it on pinterest, make a note-- because i dont know if i will remember it later--- chances are i wont. given my memory problems.

i am considering asking if we can incorporate a handfasting ritual into the ceremony-- it would tie in with our celtic vibe thing i want to have for the wedding and reception


i am trying to eat more protein here lately but i dont know... i need to poop. its been a few days and nothing is moving AND i ate cheesy stuff.... so that is not gonna be fun
i guess i have to drink some damn herbal poop tea again i was hoping i could stop doing that but i dont guess it will be an option if i keep eating so much greasy cheese ughhh

im still fat fat far i will always be fat fat fat even when i lose weight like i did years ago i was fat so i dont even .... i know i fighting a losing battle but its a battle i cant stop fighting because i dont want to be a lard ass... i have all these nice clothes and god damn it i wanna wear my nice sexy winter clothes DAMN IT

i seem to have pulled a muscle in my left hip or something--- my left hip joint always bothers me before the other.... the only other thing that gets me is my knees... god damn softball.
thank you for ruining my legs



i cannot sleep very well here lately and i dont want to take lots of herbal sleepy pills because they seem to make me unable to get up in the morning the next day..... but take FOREVER to put me to sleep???? i dont know

i am just going to sit here and obsess over shit


i decided to start using that spare blank planner i had started to decorate as a calorie log like i used back in 2011 when i got really skinny. nostalgia, yall. im full of it.

i think i might watch some tv tonight since stan went to bed early(ish)
he needs the rest and i am glad he didnt go out tonight



we have upstairs neighbors now and they are SO FUCKING LOUD they STOMP ALL THE TIME WHEN THEY ARE WALKING ITS SO ANNOYING JESUS CHRIST


Miss. Lilly is in my lap right now... she sits in my lap a lot lately... i think she is getting more friendly as she gets older.. with Stan too... but a lot with me... but she definiately has her cute baby cooing that she does still... its so precious... shes done it since forever... she wakes up from a nap all confused and coos and looks around for mommy and im right here and she lets me pet her and she gets re-situated and goes back to sleep


maybe i can sleep now i dont know if i cant i will get back up and write in my journal

also i think i might hand write some part of my wedding invites =X i love writing all frilly script and such and it will be fun... i have been practicing writing pretty for a while now in my planner and journal and i didnt even think about how maybe i could do this... so that would give me something to do for a while.... cause i think we might have somewhere around 40 invites to send out =X having a big family suckssss lol i guess a lot of those BRIDEZILLAS have bigger weddings but the church cant hold much more and i dont even want much more...
Stan hasnt even got a solid list of his people he wants to invite yet lol
i just know that my side of the family is, if they show up-- and i hope they do, i really hope they do-- going to be pretty overwhelming
see there i go obsessing over wedding shit again


im patheticccc

lol
okay as soon as this kitty gets up i will try to go lay down and sleep maybe

Thursday, September 17, 2015

its almost the weekend alreadyyyy

i had a really fuzzy start to the week but i am okay now

I thought i had a psychiatrist appointment today but i didnt and i am so very mad that i drove over there for no reason

FURTHERMORE i found out that the date of my real appointment is October 29th-- which is during the time we were going to the beach. and its hard as hell to get appointments at this place so i have to keep this appointment.. so i am HOPING we can move the hotel reservation around a bit to make both things possible because GOD DAMN IT I AM GOING TO THE BEACH DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT.
or maybe i can move my appointment??? fuck i dont know



so tonight i am making brownies (for Macs birthday this saturday)-- and mac and cheese to go with Stan's chicken nuggets

and going to read and journal i think... i wrote like 8 pages in my journal last night.. it felt so goooooood
i cant wait to start using the celtic knotwork decorated journal stan got me next.... i had been saving it for something special...

and i just feel like... this is a very good time in our lives... we are just under a year before the wedding and its exciting .

i have a wedding blog, btw... for anyone who might be reading this blog on its own separately and not just via links from my twitter..
http://stanandtab.blogspot.com/

anyways
i have found that oriential trader mag that has all the wedding stuff in it and i have requested a NEW one that is current so maybe we can start getting some stuff for the reception!

omg mac and cheese is so good

i am fattie mcphatterson and this weekend i am not going to be eating hardly any of the "game day foodz"

tomorrow i am baking my amazing chocolate chip cream cheese cake thing that i dooooo... i stole the recipe from mom an now it is mineee because i make it better lol


 aaaaaand tomorrow stan is being a designated driver for Mac and his friends... SATURDAY we are going to my parents house and doing the game day thing or whatevs


and then we are going to church on sundayyyyyyyy with my parents
so stan can be at my church and people can be all like well who is this and i can tell them and yayayayayayayay
or... mom and dad will tell them lol i dont talk to people much

Sunday, September 13, 2015

okay, so i am kind of sad

the fayette festival was more or less a waste of time. i mean, there wasnt enough foot traffic to make much profit-- it was a big festival for kids and my jewelry is marketed for parents and the damn kids were so impatient that they drug the parents off from looking at booths before they were ready half the time... so the customers were very little..

i mean, i made 3 times this at the Tuscaloosa festival in the spring of this year.
so disappoint

my Dad is so sweet--- he had my Aunt Tiny (who is a florist) deliver 30 roses to my mom at the festival to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary  that is TODAY (sunday)
it was sooooo bigggg she had to ride with it in her lap all the way home from the festival lol


we loaded up and went home and i crashed and slept until dinner
and then mom went to get some delicious food and i ate it and went back to bed and died again lol

i probably have gained back all the weight i thought i lost
or did lose
who the fuck knows

i have until october 27th to remedy that

so whatev


today we have to be back the town by 3:30pm because stan has to meet someone at the office and give them some stuff such
and then we can go home and do laundry and get back to a normal routine for a little bit

I am kind of blaaah and tired and I dont know...

i think i want to lay in bed until we leave

my legs hurt really bad from walking so much
i am pathetic lol


Friday, September 11, 2015

friday friday fridayyyy--- tomorrow is the dayyy

Stan is off work today and we are going to walmart to get some last minute things for whatever--  not just the festival but we are going to be beach in october (SNOWBIRDS!) and there are things on clearance now because they are getting rid of the summer beach stuff and they wont have it again after that so we need to get them now

so we are going to clean out the car, go to walmart, get that stuff, come back pack up and head to my mom and dad's
and we are going to try to get everything as situated as possible for tomorrow (sat) as possible
and try to relax so i dont lose my head
im taking a shower at my parents house tomorrow night because it will keep me more fresh for tomorrow lol and i dont have TIME to shower tomorrow morning we are getting up at like 5am

i am running around like a chicken with my head cut off and i cant focus on anything


and
right now i am going to get ready to go to the store so we can get ready and leave and get there and i can calm down because everytime i move or change something its like panic panic panic

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

so, i guess the festival will be okay on saturday

i have tons of stuff to sell-- its in a place i'm familiar with. and my parents and my fiance will be there and i am FINALLY starting to feel better (i got a sinus infection or something monday)

so tomorrow is thursday--- i am going to walmart because i havent left the house since sunday and i need to drive my car because if i dont it might not work anymore. you know the whole battery thing being how it is... we never quite figured ut if it was the battery or alternator or the possible loose wiring in the radio or dashboard that was making it lose its charge all the time.

i am going to look at the summer/beach clearance tomorrow because WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH LATER THIS YEAR-- yea i know most people go to the beach in the summer but i hate being around  alot of crazy people doing stupid shit... i want to go when its quiet... and we havent had time to go before now anyway... so we are going right before halloween in october. it will be quiet and we will have no pets with us and we can relax. i want to listen to the ocean and breathe.

anyways.. but yeah.. so i am making a list of things to do while we are at the beach that i have always wanted to do that i never got to do
a lot of it is stupid little things like.. build a really big sand castle and lay out on the beach for hours without tons of people being around-- you know, NOT during peak season of vacationing and such


we are talking about moving the wedding reception next year to some place other than the church so we can have alcohol
i know my family will enjoy and be more likely to come if they can drink openly and not have to go to their car and hide

anyways


i am still very drained from being sick
i actually had a fever and it broke last night
so i feel better



pack tomorrow, leave in the afternoon on friday for my parents house
stan got ALL of friday off so we can go up there earlier and maybe have actual dinner there with my parents
and staurday morning we gotta be up and out of the house at or before 6:30am

so now i just trying not to freak out and keep calm and blah blah blah

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

OKAY NOW ITS REALLY CRUNCH TIME

and i am bottoming out and falling apart.

Thank god I had most everything ready from last festival--- had enough inventory left over to make it through this one pretty much.

I cannot do busy busy fall football holiday filled second half of the year and big festival at same time.

spring is good because it is like.. start of energy surge through summer




anyways

Tuesday through Thursday TODO/Goals:

>>-- (to help with anxiety/stress---wipe down counters/stove/microwave/kitchen in general in grease cutting antibac spray stuff because i am crazy weird about kitchen surfaces being clean because of food contamination)
>> Finish Last of jewelry projects-- maybe make some more simple earrings or something I dont know maybe..
>>make little friendship bracelets cause its fun and the kiddos need something to buy at the festival ;)
>>BIGGEST MOST IMPORTANT GOAL: GET THROUGH DAY WITHOUT PANIC ATTACK/EMOTIONAL BREAK DOWN. because if i can do this today and tomorrow, and friday i will make it... to saturday one day at a time
>>WATCH DISNEY MOVIES (STAN BOUGHT ME ALICE IN WONDERLAND BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW MUCH I WANTED IT =X IM SO SPOILED I DONT DESERVE THIS)
>>try to journal in paper journal because it helps stress a lot
>>read if possible but might be too much to handle right now idek
>>count how many earring holders i need and see if i have enough or get more at hobby lobby this week before festival
>>buy small silver paper clips for hanging stuff on frame at festival saturday





packing on thursday night

finishing packing on friday--- stan is getting off work early so we can head over to mom and dad's early on friday and get everything ready for saturday morning because we have to leave at like 6:30am to get food and there on time and set up
by like.. 8:30???

i think they they expect this to last into dinner time and the evening so thats probably why--- to be fair most peoplein fayette are old and go to bed around 7 or 8 pm


un anyways i am going to go now maybe update this later...

afewdayslate: weekend before the festival.. done.. next up-- festivallll

So first football cookout weekend is done... We went to my parents house Friday night and came back this afternoon.
Dad smoked a Boston butt and we cut it up and used Stan's bbq sauce and had sandwiches.also other food but I didn't really eat anything but chips and dessert other than the meat. And today I had muffins.
Kind of ruined my weight loss that I had accomplished so I'm pretty pissed off.

We got a lot of planning done for next weekend at the festival. Went through the display stuff and got things better organized.
All that's left is some last minute things to make and get together and we are ready..
I Am so stressed out that I am snapping at everybody all the time and I hate myself for it.. I just keep hiding away and sleeping and laying in bed to keep from upsetting people.
This week is going to be a "Keep my head on straight until weekend" week.. And then the festival is Saturday.


(edit: this is sunday i didnt finish and wanted to still post)

stan just blew my mind by going to the store to get my silly things i wanted like a bigger binder for the wedding planning and popsicles and
i do not deserve this man at all and i am having a hard to coping with this. its not easy

------
unfinished because got distracted as usual

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

almost done with stuff for the fesitival

almost but no quite.


i have had a hard time making myself do it this time.. its so overwhelming
i am dreading it being in Fayette because i know how fayette is and they gossip so bad and i just dont know.... its scary to even think about going there just to visit family let alone have a booth at a big festival trying to sell shi

if my mom wasnt going to be there i would have backed out of it because i cant face that town without her--

i have like.. four more alabama elephant necklaces to make
and some cross ones.. maybe

and then just random friendship bracelets out of that embroidery floss stuff for $1 a pop
and that isnt even necessary just good for kids

my neck and upper back is fucking killing me today and i washed my hair bent over in the bathtub so that made it even worse

im not the smartest . definitely not.

i dont want to cook tonight but i have to do it and i guess it will be easier too because we arent going to make bread and that is the extra part that gets annoying because we run out of counter space
i want a bigger kitchen so badly but i want to get married more than that so... yeah


im so stressed out that this muscle nerve thing or whatever it is right next to the rim of my left eye on the bottom, kind of in the eye lashes.. and it keeps twitching uncontrollably like.. it feels like something wiggling in my eye and its driving me insane

okay i totally forgot about this blog post and left it open

its almost 8pm now and i need to lay down... when i go to bed this early i get up at like.. 5-6am
and i have the quiet time to myself i need to wake up and get my head on straight before having to think about anything.. i need this time to collect myself from sleep-- it takes a while to pull myself out of sleep when i really do sleep.. i have to sit here and start writing in my daily journal and make it up and write a to do list and take my medicine and drink cold water and then i can go back to bed and be with stan while he wakes up for work

i've also realized that if i dont go to bed before him i usually cant fall asleep because he goes to sleep and snores lololol
i know i snore but apparently its not enough to bother him
i, on the other hand, have a hard time with any kind of noise ... save for the hum of the fan and noise making thing i have that lulls me to sleep... it covers up the other noise that i hear if there IS NO NOISE... that high pitched squealing ringing noise that comes when its perfectly silent.
i mean, i knew being in band would be bad for my hearing but i think it did a lot more damage than i thought lololol
i mean, either that or if theres some medical reason for ringing in the ear-- tinnitus or whatever its called i think... i dunno

anyways...

April and I are both on goodreads.com and we are going to read 30 books before the end of 2015
i have read 10 books most of which i have just read in the past four weeks or so. so really i have READ A LOT in a very SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME
however, i am trying to read a whole years worth of books in less than half a year

but im awesome so i can do this
i need to get more books ideas though
i have been scouring amazon.com and goodreads and looking for books

we are going to my parents this weekend for a cook out for the first ball game and also to look at the stuff for the festival so we can get an idea on what we need to take next weekend and put it aside and maybe have things as ready as they possibly can be before we get to my parents house NEXT friday night .. cause we are going to stay with them the night before because that puts us 30 miles closer to the festival... less driving time and we can get ourselves better prepaired and sorted out before getting there than we did for the first festival


ok i am going to the bedroom now after i take some sleepy pills and get some fresh water


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

i have like.. 1.5 weeks until the festival on sept12

and i am just sitting here trying not to cry
i dont know what the hell is wrong maybe the panic of the festival was hiding and and it coming down on me all at once and my period started yesterday and i ate some bad peanuts (they tasted good but god damn i dont even... that was hell)


i feel better today but my body hurts from... i dont even want to talk about it.. straining?  and yeah
i dont know


i need to make these elephant necklaces
i need to get a bath and wash this nasty coat of sweat off me
i need to make more cross jewelry but its really had i cant even  i dont know

im not depressed i just feel completely over whelmed  and i want to sleep and read and sleep and i dont know even

this weekend we are going to my parents house so i have to pack for that and we need to take as much as we can for NEXT weekends festival because i think dads truck will be the best to take up to the loading dock

i need to do shit right now but my eyes are so heavy