Wednesday, July 29, 2015

A little....semi - feminist rambling blog post of some sort

The reason I like chic dramatic comedies like legally blonde... I've been on both ends of the spectrum as a woman. I've been the ugly plain bookish girl that no body pays attentions to except in academics.

And I've been on the other end.. I've been a hot blonde girl that gets attention but when it comes to serious things i got coddled and treated like I don't know a damn thing and should just go play with my make up.

What sucks is that it didn't matter which way you go... The worlds is gonna shit on you.

When people think of a feminist I'm not what they usually think off.. Because I have been and tried all the ways I could be
And I have chosen a traditional female role.... And while i would love to be on my own and Independent as hell... I lack the skills to do it... Not because I'm a woman.. But because of mental illness.
And yeah i know most people associate mental illness with the feminine side of being.that's not accurate. That's just another lie the male ruled world has told every one for so long that its understood without being said. .and I've chosen the traditional girly mom house wife role.. Because its the best option for me to have a productive safe life full of joy and content feelings.

If I tried to support myself and do that independent woman thing... I would end up in a group home for poor/almost homeless people working a shit job that causes me more mental and emotional harm (due to anxiety and paranoia and mentalillness shit) than it does good for money sake.

This is the reasonable and logical choice.

Do I hate the fact that it negates all the progress we have fought for? Yes.
But for my personal well being it's the right thing for me.

So I choose to rely on a man. And because i am so incredibly lucky.... He is the best man. A wonderful man. And he is one of the few good men in the world that make this surrender tolerable and likeable and nurturing.





I'm not quite sure this is the blog post I wanted to make when I started. I might delete it later. But its how I feel.

I'm one of the lucky ones, to have find a good man. So very lucky.

Love you so much, Stan. <3

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

some people think its weird that i keep a scrapbook detailing EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE

but what you dont realize is that a lot of my memories? dont fit-- theres a lot missing
and im young. but because of mental illness and other things i did to myself all these years-- my memory is almost non existent.

so i keep a daily scrapbook of... what i do, things i want to do what happened... i keep the receipts from everything i buy and and lists i make for shopping or reminders i tape into this notebook.

i use composition notebooks now--- each day gets a page ... and the back the the day before is where i post the receipts for the current day.

i decorate it with washi tape and decorative tape and stickers
its a scrapbook
or what i think they someone called it when they kind of patented something of this nature-- "a smashbook"
i dont know
its an ongoing collage and journal and memory keeping thing

i started out using pieces of paper and three prong folders
but its so unstable in stature
having a composition note book is good beacause i can put a rubber band around it and its safe


and in a few years... or hell-- with my luck, maybe as soon as next year--- when i cant remember something or want to be nostalgic and reminisce i have all these daily logs of my life and stans life
on top of this i have my blog here.
AND i have a journal that i write in every few days-- like full paragraphs and fledged out stories that i want to remember... thoughts and feelings... the leather bound paper journal i keep is very very intimate.. .its me talking to myself, pretty much. and that is going to be so wonderful when i am old and gray and want to look back and how amazing my life was with stan. <3 p="">
stan has been amazing to me lately.
i feel bad but i dont think he knew all along how much noise was bothering me on a daily basis.
i feel so relaxed right now.. i havent had shrill dialogue and music of random tv shows polluting the air every second of every day.

this doesnt mean i dont want to watch stuff with stan-- i do. i just need to be actually watching it...
if im reading or craftings or something and its playing something random in the back ground i start off ok-- but then i feel this level of irritation start to rise.. and rise and rise and eventually i have to get up and leave or i dont know... something...


anyways i have to go now.. i just wanted to talk

i plan to post on facebook and tell everyone how amazing stan is. people need to know. he is the best things in the entire world. i love him so much

Saturday, July 25, 2015

its getting nerdy up in here

im on a book reading binge =X

BEST THING IN THE WORLDDDDD

gonna finish the Palahniuk books i have and then get the rest of them
also occult spirituality books for dayssssssss

and i have prozac nation that i never really read and this other book about .... a girl yeah. ok.

i shut up now and read =X

a slow weekend again but... gonna try to make it fun (lots of rambling about wishcraft in this post)

today we are going to thaw out and fry the fish that my parents caught and froze and gave to us months ago lololol
they are taking up too much space in the freezer!!!
plus its an excuse to ask Mac to come over

so on top of that im going to bake some brownies in a few minutes

gotta get all my morning journaling and logging down first and make sure i get enough food in my system that i dont get weak while cooking... the oven makes the kitchen unbearably hot and that just makes it even worse

i got a thing of bread to make for Lammas.. i think i will add some herbs to it.... just a tiny bit. i want to try and braid the dough because that is magical... braiding in and of itself of a magical thing.

i'm learning a lot of FOLKLORE magic and old handed down magic things from this book I just finished called "Earth Power" by Cunningham ... its just all old passed down things from various cultures. all related to the earth and natural magic... which is by far the strongest magic... because it is everywhere... nature is everywhere and it is powerful.

I have had a request for a spell to help someone with their mojo in the love department... however, unless this person is willing to take the items and do the spell themselves, it will be unlikely to work, i believe. when you are drawing potential relations and love into your life you need to do the work-- you have to invest the energy.. i can sit here all day and focus on him finding someone but if he doesnt do things to help, nothing works. magic works along with our efforts to make things come into being... it just increases the chances tremendously when you have perfect trust and faith that it will work. thats why its so hard to people to get spells to work.. they have a doubt in the core of their being about it. any doubt negates  your efforts.

tl;dr spells are what you think about you bring about law of attraction the secret just made more tangible with spell ingredients and items and that help focus and draw in energy




now that i'm done lecturing


the spell for this friend ... they need to work it on a tuesday for Mars (because Ares gets shit done).. but use the actual end product (charm thing) on a friday for Venus (because Aphrodite is loveeee).

im still leaning towards a tiny potion vial with rose quartz and herbs that he keeps on his person the night he goes out. i would make an oil that he could wear on his skin to have scent help but i have no experience is making that kind of thing for a MAN to wear-- ... i have made it for women to wear to attract men and it worked wonderfully.
its like how perfume works... actually-- its HOW perfume came into existence.... to draw in others because of scent. its a magic in and of its own.. and people wear it EVERYDAY without realizing they are doing something with magical intent.

silly muggles
lololol should i call them muggles?
i will look online to see what other people like me are calling the .. "normal" people lol

ok im gonna go bake nowwww

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

today was a dayyy

I went to Indian Rivers with the intention of paying on my huge psych bill and also verifying my (lack of) income.... but i completely forgot my foodstamp letter .... so all i did was pay on my bill.
which is good, its just a little bit but we gotta start chipping away at all my medical bills so we can get marrieddddd.

then  went to Barnes&Noble and read my occult books out in the open and laughed inside while people glared at me cause they think im horrible stupid closed minded peopleeee

i have started to not give a fuckkkkk about people knowing im a witch
like get off me, we are more peaceful than all other religions nobody kills anybody or fights wars... the biggest thing is "harm none" like just... get off me. we are all about love and acceptance and its pretty pathetic that i even FEEL like like i have to hide my spiritual practices. i should not have to do this

the world is changing though and i think maybe soon this will be pretty normal for everybody.. i mean... we have marriage equality now.

so i am working on a new super organized Grimoire and i have all these books so i can make it all proper and thoroughhhh


i gotta get two birthday cards in the mail tomorrowwww

and



i think we might not go see a movie this weekend... too much going on, and need to save money for other important things that might come up


and

i am tired and sleepy and not tired and sleepy.

we watched a fan edit mash up of StarWars Ep 1-III tonight... it was ok, but now i wanna see the full movies (even though i know theyre poop, i like the music so it gets me through)

i think i might be getting a headache ... i had a really really bad low blood sugar attack earlier and almost passed out at the damn bookstore thank god for tables and chairs and the relief of resting said head on table while body is giving out and covered in sweat and yeah

what bothers me if my blood sugar crashes randomly even when i do eat regularly. so im furstrated

i have shit to do now so i will go fold clothes
and put up dishes





Sunday, July 19, 2015

outline of plans through september

okkkk hello folks here we go, i need to get this written down somewheres


JULY 20-26

  • take FS approval letter to IndianRivers for income verification
  • go by IR front desk and make payment on medical bill 
  • mail Martin's birthday Card
  • mail Jessica Crowe's birthday card
  • july 23/24 -- GROCERY SHOPPING DAYYYYYYYY
  • Movie Date on the weekend: "PIXELS"

JULY 27- AUGUST 2
  • mon july27- jessica's birthday; tue july28- martin's birthday
  • August---- MUST PAY FAYETTE ARTS AND CRAFTS FESTIVAL BEFORE AUGUST 14th to get the $27 entry fee offer!
  • July 31-- full (wort) moon in Aquarius-- BLUE MOON
  • August 1st- Lammas -- first harvest, bake magical bread, corn husk dollies, sun, ripened garden goodies and grains yum
AUGUST 3- AUGUST 9
  • crunch time for making merch for september festivalllll
  • keep in touch with mom and dad about Gordon's 21st birthday part plans (bday 8/18)
  • Alaina's birthday august 6th
  • Mail mom's birthday card if not going to give in person-- not sure yet.
AUGUST 10- AUGUST 16
  • August 11th - Moms birthday!!!!
  • August 14-- New Moon in Leo
  • August 15th - PawPaw birthday; whatshisfaces birthday
  • mentally prepare for influx of youngins coming to the UofA that will make town a living nightmare for months and months until they get settled and learn where everything is and how to live here ughhh
  • more jewelry designing last minute
AUGUST 17 -AUGUST 23
  • August 18th - Lil bros 21st birthday (might be going to casino on weekend????)
  • Potential KY weekend trip for a wedding on August 20-23??
AUGUST 24- AUGUST 30
  • GROCERY SHOPPINGGGG
  • get ready for Fall Football Insanity and 
  • FULL MOON in PISCES August 29 (Barley Moon)

AUGUST 31- SEPTEMBER 6
  • finalize layout of tent/booth at festival and how merch will be displayed
  • sort merch into price range bags for easier and faster on the go set up

SEPTEMBER 7- SEPTEMBER 13
  • pack bags for festival-- take emergency needs like hand sanitizer, baby wipes, ALSO VERY IMPORTANT-- have spare jewelry fixing stuff to fix potential breaks or issues on the fly. need all pliers and a set of findings and some chain.
  • MOM AND DADS WEDDING ANNIVERSARY on SEPT 13th
  • NEW MOON Sept 13th ---PARTIAL SOLAR ECLIPSE -- beginning of eclipse energy portal ~~~

SEPTEMBER 14- SEPTEMBER 20
  • inside eclipse portal-- energies high, look out for big news in world politics and government stuff
  • potential and very likely beach vacation trip any weekend here after the festival! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED THIS SO BAD
SEPTEMBER 21 - SEPTEMBER 27
  • still in eclipse portal until Sept 27th
  • Sept 23 - Mabon (fall equinox) -- yellows, oranges, reds, browns, corn, harvest symbolism (much of the christian US Thanksgiving stuff  (pumpkins and gourds and grains and corn vines/grapes, apples, nuts and seeds, is highly appropriate, as this is the actual time this happens, rather than in november) also remember EQUINOX balance between light and dark-- scale symbolism--- even yin and yang works, wicker baskets full of produce
  • FULL (BLOOD) MOON Sept 27th -- TOTAL LUNAR ECLIPSE (in pisces)
  • eclipse portal closes as moon turns to waning
  • still hoping for late beach trip to see the ocean as she is calling to me very loudly here latelyyy


Thursday, July 16, 2015

crazy? i was crazy once...

im not manic .. this is mixed which sucks because that means my moods are going to be all over the place and theres no telling what the hell will happen each day

anyways

Stan's friend had collected a massive amount of books on Wicca, paganism, and herbalism and other stuff.. and he is moving so he cleaned out his apartment.. i have a library of Occult literature?? whatt what

yeah.

guess who is about to start seriously practicing?? haha
im getting ready for Lammas... im going to bake bread from scratch... probably do some herbal stuff in there, i need to read up on stuff. and i can now. i dont have to run to the internet. i have it right here. which is what i want. i hate having to go online... i want a book in my hand so i mark pages and keep notes. its just... better

anyways

the person who lives near me with the zelda decals? her friend has an etsy shop and makes the decals and also other stuff.. so i am getting a "coexist" window decal soon... turns out this guy is pagan... small world getting smaller. and in alabama no less... like how weird... so close, the guy was living here up until a while ago.. he was right there and i had no idea.. 

anyways, yeah... so... i have potential to interact with other humans and i am nervous as hell and dont know what to do with myself



i havent been sleeping very well and i have been taking multiple doses of melatonin, chamomile, valerian root, etc.. plus benadryl... every night. nothing worked. so i just got some doxylamine succinate which should work better than benadryl

tonight stan is seeing ANTMAN with his friend Mac and i am at home trying to not go insane... well, this is pretty regular thing now... the me fighting off going insane from boredom

this weekend i wanted to go to Mr.Holmes but its not going to be in tuscaloosa (they arent showing it on the theater site) so we are going to go see TrainWreck.


i went to the thrift store randomly this afternooon without telling Stan-- but he will read this an find out..
AND I AM GLAD I DID BECAUSE THEY HAD AN EVEN BETTER PLANNER CASE THING... its leather, zipper, has pocket on the front. tons of storage. and the binder ring is a full inch instead of half inch so it hold more... it holds DayTimer sized stuff... because daytimer has 7 hole punched.. and the binder goes through three of them.. like a normal binder... i dont know how to explain things hell anyways picture



i feel really icky. its so hot i overheat with this medication im on and its like... that plus my blood sugar crashing every few hours... i just cant really do anything right now.. if i go out i get tired and and weak and its like that summer i was so skinny all over again but im not skinny im just a fat blob.



holy shit i think the doxylamine is working i am going to go get in bed before i lose this opportunity to get some sleep


Sunday, July 12, 2015

I think I might be a little bit manic

It's midnight and I'm doing house work. Oopsie. At least I'm not wallowing in bed depressed lol k thanks. Gotta get on top of thingsssssss.

First up: set up a folder/note book for planning the Fayette arts and crafts festival that is coming up in September. Need to detail the layouts of the tent/booth and also the game plan for selling. I need to customize my products to fit the needs and wants of this particular community. With means lots of Christian and religious inspirational stuff. Also redneck cowboy southern pride stuff.

Note to readers: just because I am making things this nature does not mean I identify with it. Some of it yes I do but a lot of it..nope.

Moving on.. Well shit I gotta stop blogging and get to work

Wooooooooooooo

Friday, July 10, 2015

another week down i guess

GOOD NEWS::::::: Sherri went into labor yesterday and delivered Sean Claude Miller II at 9:32 pm
she posted that she was going to be having her baby today on facebook RIGHT AS I WALKED INTO THE BABY SECTION OF THE STORE I WAS IN. gaaah. #synchronicity seriously... i stepped into the aisle, felt my phone vibrate and bam.

i got worried about her and i messaged her for the first time in a while... she had posted anything all day after that and i was getting worried... and she actually took the time to message me back-- or have someone who was there with her take her phone and do it. the fact that she responded to me-- during labor? that means so much. i think i might still be able to save this friendship. she needs so much support since her husband has died... such a horrible accident... i cant even... i cant think about it or i will start freaking out because he died in a car wreck and everybody drives and everybody could die at anymoment and holy shit i hate this omg



hsdojvaorjboaerkdf


the baby is healthy and and she ok, as far as i know


i have noticed that there are TWO cars with Zelda window clings on their back windshields in the apartments near here. i am like... excited??? this neighborhood is crazy sucky and having anybody with ANYTHING IN COMMON WOULD BE A BLESSING. i just wonder who they are... its a VW beetle and a truck.. both of them have stuff on them. they must be a couple. i wonder what would happen if i left a note on their care just saying hi that we exist over here in the other apartments and they are not alone. lol

IT IS DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE

anyway

stan told me i'm not allowed to go anywhere today so ffffffffffffffff

i've already went walking outside twice... and im gonna go again later. i cant lay here in bed i dont care how weak i am or how hot it is... i will atleast exercise or something while im sitting here this sucks. i dont want to be a fattie
and i have to eat more protein now because i havent been eating meat and my body is all "wtf ok imma use this muscle" and that is the wrong thing, that is why i was so sick years ago...

anyways im going to take a bath and do shit and i just wanted to make sure i updated about Sherri Lynn and her little boy. theres been other things with her too.. her first chld, Maddie, has recently said that she sees her dad... and this is amazing. i know children have this gift and i just hope she can keep it so sherri can have Sean in her life while raising the little ones.

tomorrow night we are going to a movie in the early afternoon when its cheaper and i dont ... i mean, i want to see the minions movie but i am going to probably be extremely annoyed by it at some point i just feel it but  WANT TO GOOOO

other movies coming out that we are going to see??? that Sherlock Holmes movie yesyesyesyesyes my favorite villian actor guy is in it and yesyes

i've been playing with my diy planner lately-- falling back in love with it... i ALMOST gave in and got a normal planner but but but... i put so much time into this one... damn it and its so elaborate and crazy and awesome and  yeah im gonna go now bye

Monday, July 6, 2015

On the pros of Keeping a paper journal

The therapist lady was right...she was dead on... When you live with somebody and see them 24/7 you gotta keep a journal to stay sane... So much going in here... I have never written so much daily shit down before.. I've always kept digital journals. I have files saved of these things for years now..but something is just so right about putting pen to paper. It will always feel better. This is a habit I plan to keep up. Especially since my memory is shit from bipolar crap.

If I keep this up I will have something to look back at years from now..

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

posty posty--- long time no posty

this week is a really blah buffer week for me

i finally get to get my medicine adjusted back like i NEED IT TO BE
tomorrow

=)
before i get started i need to say CONGRATS TO MY FIANCE HE IS NOW THE ASSISTANT NEWS DIRECTOR of ALABAMA PUBLIC RADIO
like

this is a big deal
like a really big deal
i sorta kinda did a spell for this last year and i told stan it would be happening and there you go... i was right ... #lawofattraction #thesecret works it really does... especially when used in combination with prayer and other focusing of energy methods..

wooohoo
anyways




i've been sleepy and blank and feeling empty for a while.. since they lowered my prozac
i started taking st. john wort and it was working but the side effects of it were too much for me

like, it makes you really really sensitive to light... and just going outside made it feel like my skin was burning off lol
i know i can get the serotonin i need from prozac without the nasty side effect st johns wort has on me

anyyyyways


so tomorrow is....
well, i gotta go to the post office and mail some stuff, and then go to DHR and drop off my paperwork for food stamps and then get to IndianRivers for my appointment by noon... my appointment isnt until 1pm but i really dont wanna get there late and have to wait.. its better if i get there early even... ANOTHER psych quit on them so they had to dump everybody on the ones that were still there... i dont think they have that many... maybe 2.. for like.. a fuck ton of people who come there. its bad.. its really bad

but hey, you know, in a year or two i wont have to worry about this anymore.. because i will have real insurance someday when pigs fly lolol

here are some photos from random shit
 made heart shaped cake and other cake to celebrate stan's promotion

random photo of all the rings i wear every day... yeah.. i wear  a lot of rings
my plant babies
i love tiny cacti

a photo of the recipe i will be using friday to make what im bringing to the fourth of july thing this weekend at my house which reminds meee



my dad is working on the fourth but me and stan and stan's friend Mac.. and my brother bought $60 worth of fireworks. lol so yeah.. i guess we are going to go sit in the field and look at sparkly things in the sky.
we are going up there on saturday and cooking all afternoon and then the night and what not... yay. its nice to have little gatherings of people







ok so apparently its bed time and im not sleepy

derp