Tuesday, March 3, 2015

there is no way to explain today except that there is something out there. planning such things

so much connection to things 
god winks everywhere
there is no way
no way the things that happened today could not have been 


just

ok


take a step back and breath

this is real
its happening
we are divine creatures and we are magical and powerful



so i slept like 3 hours last night who cares i dont need sleep right now

in that time i had a revelation that oh my god i am talking to people who i should not talk to i am risking everything i hold dear for just thrill and adventure and i said NO
NO NO NO FUCKING NO
not this time mother fucker

so now

i am severing ties
with people i dont even want to talk about. they are insignificant

i am on my new plan 
therapy every other week. lowering prozac. adding a mood stabilizer soon because god damn it i need one and the only reason i wasnt on one before is because i was manipulating them into not giving it to me because of my eating disorder... like "if i gain weight it will trigger this other thing"

but fuck this
fuck it i will battle both things if i have to i dont know or care this shit is NOT HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN
i refuse to be the person i used to be. NO

i said it.

no.
end of discussion 

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all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...