i worked so hard to get myself stable. so FUCKING HARD. it took tons of medication and moving into a new place away from people that was more quiet but i finally got things together and the thoughts in my head slowed down and i have sure footing and a wonderful man and.. this... THIS... AND NOW THIS FUCKING GUY
i had a severe paranoid delusion episode after Brandon and I first broke up (i was afraid of going anywhere alone.. i refused to for months)... but it faded in time with therapy and support from friends and i felt ok and safe.
Safe enough to even move into the apartment of my boyfriend who lives on the same end of town he is at- -- where there will be possibilities for us accidentally running into each other. and i was ok. i wasnt scared.
but this is not fair. after all these months... i was ok and this is NOT FUCKING FAIR
i am a jewelry designer. i have a festival to be at in april and i am scared of being out in open spaces again
this is not ok and this is not fair
why did you have to follow me. i asked if i knew you and you just stood there all creepy.. why did you do this.. this is not ok... i am not ok with this and if anything else happens my boyfriend is going to take care of it promptly.
so fuck you
the worst feeling is that i know i have paranoia (part of my illness) and i cant... i have no way of knowing if it is warranted or not.. i cant... unless i confront the person... i dont... and then i feel like.. maybe its not him and i am going insane ....i am so scared and i dont want to be crazy... i want it to have been him so atleast i am not mad... but i dont know. i cant... i fucking hate this mental illness like this its... its not fair.
its not fucking fair
i had been doing so good and everything was great and i was about to take this huge step into the world with doing this festival in april and now i cant even... i cant go to public places anymore alone ...
this is not fair
i have worked so hard to get here
and it is all taken away in one afternoon by this... this nonsense crap i dont even.... WHY COULDNT HE JUST TALK TO ME. not talking to me makes me scared because i cant... i dont know. fuck.
and now i cant sleep
my mind wont shut off
so thanks a bunch
whether or not he was actually there was creepy as fuck today
i dont know
i was sure at first
and now i feel like well fuck i am so batshit maybe i thought somebody else was him he changed his appearance so much i wouldnt know
not fair i want to scream and throw things and i cant and all i am doing is crying
the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...
so the weekend get away was great. we gave decided to do that more often. it was really good for us. mentally and emotionally and as a coupl...
So... The festival was yesterday. And we had bad luck with the shepards hill place again. I tried it last year and didn't sell anything....
I have finally gotten all the Christmas cards we plan to send ready. Now I gotta get to post office. They will probably be late but I tried ...