Monday, February 23, 2015

cat woke me up at 11:11 -- i know exactly why

before i even knew it was 11:11 i was thinking to myself " i need to blog about how much i love my family and stan. especially stan. "

so this is it.

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A lot has happened lately that I havent even had the time to stop and think about how amazing my boyfriend is... he and my parents act like they've know each other for years and it's so easy to have us all in the same room.

My dad even suggested we all go on a cruise together.
My DAD.

I can't even explain how much my dad liking Stan means to me. And how much it SPEAKS for Stan and what a man he must be. My dad the best bad in the world. I am not just saying that. he is really, really, REALLY, the best. for so many reasons that i cannot type them all. for so many reasons that i would never find the words to tell you.
And my mom is a godsend. Before Stan-- she was the closest thing I had to having a "rock"
but also a best friend. my mom is my best friend. (along with a few people, dont get me wrong, i have more than one best friend lol.. doesnt event body?) but... she is... i can TALK to her about things that most people cannot talk to their moms about. and it means  so so very much that she is here on this live journey with me.



Stan is amazing in ways I cannot keep up with. Like he keeps coming up with new ways to be amazing every day. Almost every time he talks to me, period. And that is something I am kind of addicted to, i admit. I have gotten very spoiled in the quality of the company i keep now.... if you arent clever and witty and creative and talented OR on my same vibes when it comes to now I feel about politics,government, society, etc.... or have some other great thing that makes you something of worth... i find myself less likely to keep up with you. I am collecting people that i want to have around me. isnt that how you tell what kind of person someone is anyway? the quality of the company they keep.

i DO admit that this does not always apply- there are exceptions. hell, for a while i think i might have been a few peoples exception when i was being really horrible and unwise in my youth and bipolar batshit crazy days.

days that have seem to come less and less lately

i mean i have bad days, all the time. but i never go and do the things i used to... it isnt even an option in my mind. i am so very on the right path right now. my medication is right and i am doing so well...
EVERTHING is going so well that i am scared i am going to fuck it up

which brings me to---

the come to jesus meeting the other day

and that i almost maybe DID fuck everything up right here recently


like.. bad  and i didnt even realize it??? that is the SCARY part... i didnt even... it was so scary. i thought i was going to collapse in on myself at the moment..
 because holy shit what am i going to do without Stan to keep me sane and grounded. what am i going to do without the stability and his taking care of me. i... i dont know.. i would probably go to a homeless place because i refuse to go back to my family again after another failed relationship-- i refuse to return to them again... for them to have to take care of me AGAIN when i get on my feet and figure life out AGAIN

i would probably go to IndianRivers and get their help with housing-- they have offered it before... for ladies who have nowhere to go but are in treatment and seeing case worker and such
It would be doable.
It would.


But that is the plan B.




I want Plan A.... the original. The lets get old with this amazing person and share life together and make memories that will have us laughing and smiling and crying for years to come.
this man. this amazing man. Stanley Ingold.

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all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...