Tuesday, November 18, 2014

well now that the hard part is over

i wont be playing clarinet with the community band anymore.

i freaked out and they took my handling of the panic attack as me being all snotty and mean and just refusing to play but really i just couldnt play anymore because i was shaking and about to fall apart. and i was embarassed as hell because i couldnt do it... (the other girl who plays my part with me wasnt there tonight, which is probably the real reason i folded and gave up.... i cant do this alone i need a stand partner i need someone playing with me)

i would have left quietly and just ...yeah..
its kind of hard to get up and leave in the middle of rehearsal when you are crammed in on the front row and would have to move a bunch of shit to leave.

i cannot handle the pressure of playing right now, not in such a small band where i am exposed and know people are counting on JUST ME for that part... my nerves and anxiety was why i quit in college and its why i have to now.

i never got any better i guess. i just thought i did
im still the same worthless piece of shit musician that i always was
i never had a chance at anything in the music field
what a fucking joke


i mean.. the only other thing i can think of is... my asking for rehearsal numbers ... the parts for clarinet were the same loop of notes over and over and couldnt figure out where we were, and had been having that trouble a lot..  and again i get frustrated and freeze up. mr P does that and it really helps me... why can my suggestion of it be constructive criticism? i cant be the only person lost in the repetitive bull shit that christmas music tends to be haha... especially when you are playing a piece that is stylized for a certain feel..
i wouldnt ask for rehearsal numbers in the concert-- just rehearsal..  THATS WHAT THEY ARE AMIRITE




i just guess i am not good enough to play with a group anymore because i am intimidating my god damn self into stupor
it breaks my heart
more than i can stan

and the concert was coming up so soon and i was freaking out inside and i've been so fucking depressed


like i havent even talked about it i guess
people like to keep up nice appearances and not talk about it but i am having a hard time just getting out of bed and feeding myself somedays. i was holding out for my next psychiatrist appointment and it was... ON THE DAY OF THIS SHIT GOING DOWN.. wooooooo

like ayayayayayy as if life could be anymore fucking peculiar

i was laying in bed with stan before i left for rehearsal monday evening and he was trying to talk me INTO going to band. i didnt even want to go... i makes me so nervous and then when im there i act weird because im panicky and or just dissociate and i dont even know.. then i get mad because i want to play so bad.. so so bad... and i just cant
i cant

THIS MESS IS DISMISSED GOD DAMN IT
nothing can fix it and its done. its over. im done. i cant play. and they dont want me to be part of their band because hskjghoaursgharohgbo;rkl

GONNA WHITE SAGE SMUDGE ALL UP IN THIS APARTMENT
i might burn through all my sage i a fuming with nasty vibes
and stan is pissed off too that they "kicked me out"




anyways so about this new psychiatrist.. he is ok... we upped my prozac which is probably a really good thing so i can stop the st. johns wort--- and I HAVE TO because he gave me this new fangled medcicine that i have never heard of and now i will research as soon as i am done here..

anyways--- the short and sweet pamphlet on it said DO NOT TAKE IF TAKING ST JOHNS WORT


so i am waiting for it to get out of my system before i take this new stuff
its gonna be a few days more still..

ffffffffff


also, i am not upping the prozac until the next refill which is half a month from now? so thats not even happening either

ffff


ANYWAYS THANKSGIVING IS COMING AND MY GRANDPARENTS ON MY MOMS SIDE ARE COMING TO MY PARENTS HOUSE AND ITS GOING TO BE AWESOME BECAUSE THEY ADORE STAN AND YAY

woooo


i need to make a to do list for tomorrow
monday was shit
today we slept in -- he was sick and i am mourning my pathetic life and general uselessness

WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE RICHES

FUCK LOVE THAT SHOW MAN

so very close to my heart yall
im a little tricksy thing always have been



ok enough of this i need to research this medicine
and catch up on words with friends
and

sleep and shit
i guess this was my night of not sleeping

now i will sleep the rest of the week ALL DAY ERRY DAY FEELS GOOD MAN

until my meds start working???

oh yeah--- !!!!!
this psychiatrist got me a refferal to get my thyroid and glucose checked at a clinic so i might find out if this chronic fatigue shit is related to the thyroid problems that are pretty serious in my moms family...  oh god i will be so pissed if all i needed was fucking hormones
god damn shit i will be livid
god damn
but lets not get excited


haha we all know im batshit crazy and thats never gonna change





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