Tuesday, September 23, 2014

its tuesdayyyy..... and the puppy is gone now

mom and dad took the puppy and found someone out in the country to take him. we just hope they are good people.

i slept on the floor in the office last night and i am sore as fuck. so sore and bruised up from it. i bruise way too easy. but my meds might have something to do with that. and that  have been taking a lot of ibuprofen and acetaminophen and allergy and sinus medicine. lol long story short i am probably killing myliver? or some other really important body function thing. oh well lol same shit different day. been through this many times. probably wont be the last.

im frustrated though. i eat a lot... more than i should sometimes. and i even though i am 5-10 pounds heavier than i want to be.... i still physically feel like i am wore out from starving myself. like my body isnt getting the nutrients right... just storing fat. i probable need to start taking a womens multivitamin
or a vitamin period. which is something i have failed to do 90% of my life. okay more like 98% of my life

ive had trouble keeping food down lately... it hurts and it comes back up a lot. i have to make sure all my food is chewed to baby food status... so much of the things i eat are mushy and already halfway there. i cant really eat bulky solid food without taking 2 to 3 times longer than everybody else to eat it because it have to chew and drink water and chew and more and yeah... its horrible

its almost like.. why not put everything in a blended and drink it
seriously
or why not live off of ensure for vitamins and eat pudding and jello and shit to fill up the empty belly hunger. just get full. and get the vitamins from meal supplement things

i dont know


i am just tired of fighting with my esophagus every time i have to eat a meal. every. single. time.
i dont get to take a day off from it. its like the bipolar and anxiety. there is no "day off"

the eating disorder is easier now though.. its still there. but its not the worst thing im dealing with right now.. im trying really REALLY hard not to let my esophagus trouble tempt me into starving myself again. its really tempting. but i know i wont be able to function if i do that... and i since i met Stan.... well

i kind of want to live a little bit longer than i used to.

like, a lot longer.

i want to be with im and take care of him and that means i have to take care of myself now or i wont be there to do if for him when he needs me.

so thats life




i am going to pass out now



picking my mom up at 1:45 pm tomorrow
while her car is getting fixed?\
and then we will probably go to sams or something
i gotta go grocery shopping on my own after i drop her back off when the car is ready

so exhausted


Jenna's boutique opens friday and my jewelry should be in there somewhere so i wanna go plus i support her because.. we went to school together and she has worked her ass off to live out her dreams and make her dream of owning a boutique happen. its very inspiring. she is a very amazing person. just had a baby.. he is about 6 months now? and she just went back to work again... full time. and she own a up and coming thriving boutique ... that was previously just an e-shop now.. until FRIDAY.. then it will have a real store front shop that people can go to.




and on october 3rd is my old highschools homecoming and we are at our 10th year since graduating and a lot of us from the class of 2004 are going to show up at the game to meet up.. and i want to go because i havent done anything with anyone. they cancelled the reunion and i dunno... whatever


cant think anymore goodnight

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