One of Stan's favorite co-worker buddies had a birthday today so we went to RedLobster for that.... they have all you can eat Shrimp stuffs for a while and oh my goddddd yayayayay.
after that we went to dollar tree for stuff and came home.
after putting stuff away, doing some laundry and talking a bit... started this entry
got ridiculously sleepy.
and took a nap lol
I GUESS THERE ARE SOME DAYS THAT ARE SO FULL I DONT NEED BLOGGING ALL DAY TO KEEP THE CRAY CRAY AWAY
which bring me to something else--
on this vacation i am taking my netbook solely for typing up blog entries at the end of each day about what happened
theres no internet at this house we are staying at. however if i wanted to my parents can set up a wifi hotspot with their phones on their data plan but i dont want to update my blog every day im gone. i just want to type out the story of what happened (cause my memory is bad)
so i can upload it later when we get home in one big blog post about the vacation--
which means i also will be using a real digital camer that takes decent pictures and uploading those to to add to the post so this might be funn lololol my parents are goofy as hell and we are gonna be with them while we are there
there things my chromebook can do while off line are pretty tailored for a internet detox... you can load up your google drive stuff that youve synced to your solid state drive for offline viewing and editing. so i have made documents that i can type my entries out in and keep everything organized
theres also basic offline games to play that run in the browser as a stored up cached page or some shit... chrome is amazing about that. so i it will load these "apps" from from the google store (its not the google PLAY store) its a store specifically for chromebook OS people .. and theres a section of stuff that work while disconeccted to the internet... a lot of it is stuff for businesses and work type stuff for making documents and charts and stuff and other thingsss
but there are a few games and stuff that i love like solitaire and mahjong solitaire and this one game called "flood it" that..i dont even know how to explain it lmao
then i have my SAMSUNG GALAXY DEVICE
that has a few games that work offline.
and also theres boooks.... lots of books to read. omg i need this to read book.
also i have my christmas jewelry projects to start up =)
gifts for Stans mom and his cousins's fiancee and probably his grandma
i supposed i should make something for his dad's wife... that he married after his parent split up. i havent met them yet because they were on vacation when we went to Kentucky in June but it would be bad form to not make stuff for all the female family people, i think
anyways i am gonna try to get some sleep.
if i can
its been ridiculously hard for me to sleep lately
the convulsions while im falling asleep are so bad that i am literally crying and pleading for them to stop every night... they go on for two or three hours usually... and i have started getting bruises from hitting the wall and other such things
like myarms are literally FLAILING AROUND for like.. 2-5 seconds.. legs too. i cannot control it. I cant stop it. its like i have complete loss of control and my entire body spasms like electric shock goes through.. it comes in waves here lately ....sometimes it happens two or three back to back .. but here lately sometimes as many as 4 or 5 shocks come back to back
at which point i am bouncing up off the bed usually.
its pretty sad
like i almost dont want to live sad. cause i cant do this every night for the rest of my life. i cant do this. its so exhausting and its driving me insane. =(
if im lucky it just happens once in a row for about an hour or so and my limbs dont move a lot--- when its mild like that i can lay on my stomach and tuck my arms under and i usually can fall asleep faster
on top of this if my jaw muscles are relaxed i end up making moaning or weird almost shouting noises when the convulsions happen... i dont know how stan can sleep in the same bed with me.. i dont know how he does it... he falls asleep first usually and he sleeps really deep so i guess he doesnt hear my hollering and flopping around (we have a really big bed and tempur pedic matress so its awesome)
eventually stan and i will get married and i will be on his insurance
i will probably have to go to the hospital for sleep studies for a while
they will probably do brain scans
try to see what is firing off in my head to make this happen.. so they can get the right medicine, i hope, to make it less severe
ive told a lot of people about this convulsion thing-- but no one except Stan knows how bad it is.
my parents dont even know because i sleep in my room.
gordon would hear my yelling in my sleep... but he just thought i was yelling in dreams..
which i do.. i talk in my sleep a lot... sometimes really loud...
there is something not shutting off like its supposed to.... something is missfiring.... or... i dont know.
this is some kind of central nervous system something going on, i think...
or i am having seizures of some kind that i dont understand because people tell me the convulsions are too short to be seizures and they only happen when im laying still and starting to doze off and sleep
i dont know
i am just so fucking tired of trying to live my life on shit quality sleep (WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT IS MAKING ME HAVE MEMORY LOSS BECAUSE IF YOU ARE SLEEPING RIGHT YOUR BRAIN DOESNT GET TO RECOUP AND MOST PEOPLE WITH INSOMNIA AND SLEEPING ISSUES HAVE MEMORY PROBLEMS) or no sleep...
i wonder if i would be able to remember stuff again if i could sleep like a normal person?
that could be potentially life changing... because i have to write everything down all day and make a planner and notes and detailed lists just to keep myself remembering what i am supposed to be doing
its really sad, you guys.. it really is.. is ridiculously pathetic and sad
i wish this all wasnt true... that i was just making it up-- but im not this is for real. this is my life.
and its really hard to be happy sometimes.. its really hard to find the strength to keep going... but i have found joy in the certain things... to make up for the pain.... and i have enough of that to keep me here and living
if i hadnt of met Stan i would not be here
there wasnt enough good things left to keep me wanting to try to live with all the problems i have that will probably last the rest of my life. life long chronic illness... Bipolar (and other severe mental illness like schizophrenia and severe depression and such) is like Diabetes .. you have to keep a log of your shit your moods and how you feel, your sleep hours.... and you have to keep your meds logged... and you have to take them EVERY SINGLE DAY.. AT SPECIFIC TIMES. ALL DAY EVERYTIME. on schedule. just like insulin
and its an illness that you cant see with the naked eye
and if you dont have someone to support and take care of you.. there isnt really much hope... there isnt. there really isnt. without a support system you are fucked-- and i love my parents-- but they do not understand my illness at all. not even a little bit.
and that makes them unable and pretty much almost unwilling to be there when i need it... to watch for the signs and make decisions when i can to get me help
Stan can do that for me.
he is the first person in my life who has ever done it. i wouldnt let anyone else.
I AM SO BLESSED YALL
STAN IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD
I NEED TO GO TO BED
AND TOMORROW I PACK AND SHIT
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