Saturday, August 23, 2014

oh mah gawwwddd

I have to be ready by 3pm and its noon and omg omg omg
luckily Tina cant meet me at 1pm. i would not have been able to do it.... i wouldnt... i dont know.... i cant do more than one thing a day ... its too stressfull... i dont even know if i can make it through this fundraiser =( and i cant leave if it gets too bad..

also we need to go grocery shopping but what the fuck how am i gonna do that after alll this? and i definitely cannot do it before.. or there is no way in hell i am gonna be able to keep my shit together at the fundraiser

wanna know the worst fucking part? its at a fucking PUB.... i have to be around people drinking beer. and i cant drink. and i will be nervous.
i dont even know why i said i would do this. or why i thought i could. i obviously cant. but here we go... lets go go go.. gotta do do it.. fml fml fml fml


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okay we are back from the fundraiser ololololoooolooolol FML FML FML


holy shit you guys... NEVER underestimate the amount a panic attack and social anxiety can warp your fucing mind. I was a psycho bitch today because my paranoia anxiety about not being good enough and dressing nice enough was just... unbearable... i completely shut down all logical thinking and want to super crazy bitch mode. and Stan was a bit rude to me but I cant really hold it against him given how bad I know I am when i get these kind of panic and anxiety going....

Its worse than first day of school at new school... the only thing that tops this is auditioning for symphony band that one year that i bombed because they had us audition solo on the stage under all the lights in front of a panel of judges and oh my god... oh god... dont even... just no. fml. game over. send me to the firey chasm of hell i am done.

uh any fucking way.
i got dressed last minute and by last minute i mean in 30 mins.. and i made Stan late getting there
AND THEN we didnt even STAY at all.. just like.. 30 mins.. instead of two hours? or some such? it was fucking hot as hell ( a heat advisory and the temp was around 100 and index was 105+ today)... and the seating we got was outside and even under tents with fans i was pouring swear like a whore in church and just.. no good but it wasnt my idea to leave!!! i was gonna suck it up and stay! Stan is the one who wanted to go... the band they got to play wasnt his cup of tea (i didnt even pay attention enough to know what they were playing i was zoned out to keep from any anxiety and noise from making me tip over into full panic mode)

we walked to the asian market near the pub and they have started talking EBT/foodstamps.. so now i can get all kinds of amazing teas and asian foods and shit from there omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg i am going insane thinking about the possibilities of things i can get now.. ahaha



i am eating food and going to crash here soon i sweated out every ounce of energy i had today in panic attacks and heat wave shit.


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