(this is my saturday blog post, hit refresh and check again for updates)
ok so i woke up with a headache pretty bad... and i am already having hot flash panic attacks..... walked the dog and fixed my hair and got dressed and now i am sitting here trying to relax until we leave and i dont know... i am gonna get bored there cause they are watching games.. i will want to make jewelry but i dont feel like packing up stuff to take to do it.. i might take my computer.. but then i would feel like i am ignoring people... but i cant stand the yelling at the TV during the game either so i cant sit there through that anyway..
We are taking Hercules to my parents house with us for the first time.... we are kind of nervous about this because we have three dogs.. and two big dogs. but they are staying outside a lot... and we can have Herc with us on the couch is they are being weird. I dunno... PLUS this means we dont have to worry about getting home to take care of him since he will be with us.....
So i am at my parents now..and we are watching the alabama football game. Everybody is either zoned in on the tv or looking at phones...like me kinda except i am using my samsung galaxy... We have all started playing 'words with friends' so thats... Something i can do to have some kind of game to play. So... Anyways
Today we are eating... Pulled pork sandwiches with Stans bbq sauce...potato salad.. Baked beans. Also chips and ranch dip and french onion dip...
Dad is working and we will be saving foods for him when he gets home.
Okie doke.. Its 4:40pm and the 3rd quarter... And its storming at the house and that means..the satellite is out and we are watching the game on the antenna .. And all my blog updating is just being saved as a text file
Anddddd now Dad is home and its 6:05 aaasand the game is overrrr. Finallly wooo.
Now i can get some stuff from my room to put in the apartment. Like a bookcase. And... Some winter clothes.
ok back at home now...
after the game was over and dad was home... Stan and Brian (kims man) and dad had this long manly conversation about random manly things and it was so cute... it was like... this is boys time... lol I have never seen everybody so talkative and just... it was awesome... I am glad Stan and Brian get along.. that is something i never would have thought. that means the football gatherings... its just interesting to see men having man bonding time. like.. older men, not 20 somethings... college kids and what not.. (stan and I dont really fit in with the 20 somethings anymore.. we are so close to 30 now anyway)
i just cant wait until it cools off and we can have a fire pit and cook hot dogs and marshmallows and have good times... i am so happy to have Stan in my life to share this with now... it feels perfect.. so very perfect.. i am so lucky.. so very blessed.
I HAVE BEEN EATING LIKE A FUCKING FAT ASS AND I AM MISERABLE.
its actually for REAL painful for me to eat the amount of food most people eat because of my GERD and the esophagus damage I have.... i cant eat thick breads ... pizza has to be the thinnest crust and low acidic sauce and i just .. my diet has to be altered.. i cant keep eating these foods that cause my physical pain every day... its keeping me from enjoying my day to day life..
Tonight I am drinking my ~*~*~*SMOOTH MOVE*~*~*~*~ detox tea aka laxative tea and tomorrow I am going to start my diet like i want to... i have told Stan to try and stop me from eating bad things... i have no self control right now... and its making me miserable.. i dont want to be a whale..i dont want to look like her .. that other girl.... i am miserable... just gaining 5-7 lbs makes me feel like a completely different person.. a nasty sloppy slob gross person... hate it hate it hate it.
nobody else see me that way.. its just me.. ... but losing the few pounds i gained wont be hard and i just need to try and maintain that so i dont have to feel this way again anytime soon because i really just... do not want to leave the house.. i dont want to get dressed i feel hideous. i want to hide.
i hate my body and i always will. i dont know what to do about it... i feel better about it for a while and then shit just spirals out of control and i end up here... thinking this and doing this and the cycle begins again... thats the life of having a chronic eating disorder...im never going to be over it...i have accepted that...
i just hope the people around me understand i am not giving up on life... i just have to find way to work around and with my obsessions and feelings and weird shit that is going on in my head.
i need people to be patient with me.. i cant order food easily and i have to eat really slow or i cant keep it down.. this is just part of my life now... i dont know what else to say..
I AM HAPPY I JUST FEEL LIKE A SWOLLEN FAT COWWWWWW... and i want to lose 7 lbs. =X
i have a lot to talk about... but i need to try and go to bed..
tomorrow is detox and BM day and make the rest of these Tree of Life Earrings and take photos and make listings
oh yeah,, ROLL TIDE YALL.
the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out ...
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