Sunday, August 31, 2014

Sunday Sunday Sundae

I woke up at 7:30am ... my stomach said it was TIME TO GOOOO

So that was that.

I am not procrastinating on my jewelry shit.. but I am gonna get to it here soon after I go get a smoke outside.

yall know i am full of shit right? i came up with 8348203483048034930 things to do instead of make jewelry... one of which was go to store! so now i have more low calorie foods and Miss Lilly had more cat food. and.. I got my weird antsy need to rough it with the weirdos at walmart out of my system.

itssss 2:30 and i finished make my earrings now I have take nice photos and make listings and i will have met my personally imposed deadline woooohhoooo.

ok so... i didnt meet my deadline exactly  but everything looks amazing super good earrings... they are so pretty i want to keep them all to my self!!! ahhhh

i am gonna use this lay out to make other earrings with charms/pendants for myself though... so cool

.......



ok so we watch some Breaking Bad and I got distracted from my blog boooo

HOWEVER I HAVE SOMETHING TO ANNOUNCE...

One month of dailyjournal down.. I finally found the way that works for me and is most flexible way to journal for mood and bipolar and meds and such  ...just use loose leaf paper and spiffy three prong pocket folder that tickles your fancy and at end of each month take that months entries and put them in a huge three ring binder sectioned off by month and year or whatev...

As i have gotten older I have (apparently) a form of memory loss from mental illness and remembering what i did during the days/weeks/ when i have an episode of my meds get all out of whack... Well its just handydandy. Its like a journal that is cliff notes of each day. Has helped me keep my self grounded when i get confused about time and events and when things happen.






ok it took me forever to get this all tidy and neat for my new month and I am trying to blog cause its one of my daily goals... and yeah


Stan is in bed and I gotta gooo

See yalll on mondayyyy 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

GameDay Saturday | cookout with my parents

(this is my saturday blog post, hit refresh and check again for updates)



ok so i woke up with a headache pretty bad... and i am already having hot flash panic attacks..... walked the dog and fixed my hair and got dressed and now i am sitting here trying to relax until we leave and i dont know... i am gonna get bored there cause they are watching games.. i will want to make jewelry but i dont feel like packing up stuff to take to do it..  i might take my computer.. but then i would feel like i am ignoring people... but i cant stand the yelling at the TV during the game either so i cant sit there through that anyway..

We are taking Hercules to my parents house with us for the first time.... we are kind of nervous about this because we have three dogs.. and two big dogs. but they are staying outside a lot... and we can have Herc with us on the couch is they are being weird. I dunno... PLUS this means we dont have to worry about getting home to take care of him since he will be with us.....



-----
So i am at my parents now..and we are watching the alabama football game. Everybody is either zoned in on the tv or looking at phones...like me kinda except i am using my samsung galaxy...  We have all started playing 'words with friends' so thats... Something i can do to have some kind of game to play. So... Anyways
Today we are eating... Pulled pork sandwiches with Stans bbq sauce...potato salad.. Baked beans. Also chips and ranch dip and french onion dip...
Dad is working and we will be saving foods for him when he gets home.
Okie doke.. Its 4:40pm and the 3rd quarter... And its storming at the house and that means..the satellite is out and we are watching the game on the antenna .. And all my blog updating is just being saved as a text file
.....
Anddddd now Dad is home and its 6:05 aaasand the game is overrrr. Finallly wooo.
Now i can get some stuff from my room to put in the apartment. Like a bookcase. And... Some winter clothes.





----

ok back at home now...

after the game was over and dad was home... Stan and Brian (kims man) and dad had this long manly conversation about random manly things and it was so cute... it was like... this is boys time... lol I have never seen everybody so talkative and just... it was awesome... I am glad Stan and Brian get along.. that is something i never would have thought. that means the football gatherings... its just interesting to see men having man bonding time. like.. older men, not 20 somethings... college kids and what not.. (stan and I dont really fit in with the 20 somethings anymore.. we are so close to 30 now anyway)




i just cant wait until it cools off and we can have a fire pit and cook hot dogs and marshmallows and have good times... i am so happy to have Stan in my life to share this with now... it feels perfect.. so very perfect.. i am so lucky.. so very blessed.




ANYWAYS....


I HAVE BEEN EATING LIKE A FUCKING FAT ASS AND I AM MISERABLE.
its actually for REAL painful for me to eat the amount of food most people eat because of my GERD and the esophagus damage I have.... i cant eat thick breads ... pizza has to be the thinnest crust and low acidic sauce and i just .. my diet has to be altered.. i cant keep eating these foods that cause my physical pain every day... its keeping me from enjoying my day to day life..

Tonight I am drinking my ~*~*~*SMOOTH MOVE*~*~*~*~ detox tea aka laxative tea and tomorrow I am going to start my diet like i want to... i have told Stan to try and stop me from eating bad things... i have no self control right now... and its making me miserable.. i dont want to be a whale..i dont want to look like her .. that other girl.... i am miserable... just gaining 5-7 lbs makes me feel like a completely different person.. a nasty sloppy slob gross person...  hate it hate it hate it.
nobody else see me that way.. its just me.. ... but losing the few pounds i gained wont be hard and i just need to try and maintain that so i dont have to feel this way again anytime soon because i really just... do not want to leave the house.. i dont want to get dressed i feel hideous. i want to hide.
i hate my body and i always will. i dont know what to do about it... i feel better about it for a while and then shit just spirals out of control and i end up here... thinking this and doing this and the cycle begins again... thats the life of having a chronic eating disorder...im never going to be over it...i have accepted that...

i just hope the people around me understand i am not giving up on life... i just have to find way to work around and with my obsessions and feelings and weird shit that is going on in my head.
i need people to be patient with me.. i cant order food easily and i have to eat really slow or i cant keep it down.. this is just part of my life now... i dont know what else to say..

ejadsi;ovhedo;cghw;odlhgan;lfd


I AM HAPPY I JUST FEEL LIKE A SWOLLEN FAT COWWWWWW... and i want to lose 7 lbs. =X



uh anyways


i have a lot to talk about... but i need to try and go to bed..
tomorrow is detox and BM day and make the rest of these Tree of Life Earrings and take photos and make listings

oh yeah,, ROLL TIDE YALL.

Friday, August 29, 2014

FAB FRIDAYYYYY

ok now its friday "officially"

 ok i washed dishes, wiped down counter, took the dog out, stan left for work, now i am eating a yogurt, i fed lilly, gave the dog a treat. texted mom and she is running late so now i can MAYBE WASH MY STINKY PARTS OK THANKS

ughhh

ok now FLASH FORWARD TO 3PM

AND I HAVE WENT TO SAMS CLUB FOR SUPPLIES AND HAD DELICIOUS CHINESE FOOD THAT IS GOING TO MAKE ME GAIN ANOTHER 8308208038403 POUNDS AND NOW I AM AT HOME TRYING TO WORK ON THESE EARRINGS SO I CAN LIST THEM TONIGHT ...or something

I totally lifted like...  a 50 lb bag of cat litter in Sams for mom to scan it and put in the cart.. ballin!!! i am so strong. lol yeah. not really really.. anyways


i am watching Pocahontas 2.... lol cause.. yeah i am lame... and yeah.. i love pocahontas and so.. why not.. see what happens? idk. NEED TO MAKE JEWELRYYYYY

ok pocahontas 2 was HIGHLY DISTURBING and i never want to think about it again.
I passed out and took a nap for an hour after that and I drooled so much it freaked me the hell out when I woke and realized it... GROSS. SO GROSS. I dont do that often--- atleast NOT LIKE THAT. Jesus. I think I must have went into unconscious deep sleep dead person sleep.


I HAVE SEVER PAIRS OF TREE OF LIFE EARRINGS MADE... and FIVE MORE TO MAKE TOMORROW MORNING?? or sunday....sunday  I am doing the pics and listings. its my personally set deadline for this. then monday i start on alabama stuff again and stuff to take to that Tanning salon in town this next week... gotta get my stuff out there damn it. I have business cards nowww



I am going to bed really early tonight because i havent slept much lately.. or very well.. and... so... i know tomorrow is going to be really exhausting.. and by really exhausting I mean... fucking HELL..
big social things are hard on me

uh anyways... goodnight interbuttz. i will probably update an offline draft of a blog entry all day tomorrow and upload it when i get back home tomorrow night? i guess. i dont know.


The "i wish it wasnt friday"/ its "the wee hours of the AM" post

I went to bed thursday at 11pm in hopes of getting some sleep to be well rested when my mom gets her tomorrow and we go shopping and an such. I will have needed to take a bath and gotten dressed and blahblahblah.. it take almost 2 hours ok, it sucks. i suck at this. my anxiety is never going to go away...

---SIDE STORY--- my nana has had this same problem all her life ( a fact that, when Stan met her for the first time, she started to describe to him... the running around the house sweating so bad you might as well not have showered so hot soooo so hot and nothing to wear and pawpaw just sit there, ready to go..oh god anyways... just as she was saying all this he looks at me like "oh my god.... this is going to be us one day")

But my grandparents have been married coming up on 50 years now. so.... that seems ok.
And Stan and PawPaw are so alike.. its creepy. hahaha.. and god knows Im batshit like Nana...

anyways....

SIDE STORY OVER ------------

I went to bed at 11pm  and i woke up EVERY. Single. FUCKING. HOUR. on the mother fucking DOT, too. JESUS CHRIST.
I just kept waking up, i check my phone.. say jesus christ... roll over, rinse repeat.
It makes me feel miserable and lazy. So I got up and came in here.

oh yeaaahh
THE REASON I WISH IT WASNT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I have a lot to do damn it! I have started up this Tree of Life earring/necklace project and GOD DAMN IT I AM GONNA GET THIS SHIT SOLD... every single pendant of that 50 pc pack i bought two years ago sold or went to someone special.. so why cant this? and at better price, gonna do a set of chipped gemstone beads and the charm-- then round oval or box shaped beads with the charm-- and then maybe the charms with glass beads of colors or designs that are interesting and look good. but wont be too long (what am i saying.. there is not such thing when it comes to earrings anymore, is there?)

and then just plain old charm on the fish hook earring thing... i mean.. its so easy i feel bad for selling it.. i didnt alter it in any way... its the charm and a finding.. no beads.. nothing i have decided to add for purpose or character... but people like that too... and i can sell it ... i just feel bad about it.

i have some very clever ideas for some necklaces here soon that i will take up next week.. or maybe sunday.. and monday...
i have another potential store that might buy my stuff in bulk to sell at their shop and i need to have enough stuff to give them something to look at =( and i have been sososososososo not productive.

I WISH I COULD SLEEEEP. gonna try again. and this entry can be its own... not fridays... cool beans.. BEANS BEAAANNSSSSS  COOOOOLLLL BBBBEEEEEAANNNNSSS. ok i am ok sry i stop now.





Thursday, August 28, 2014

"thankgoditsalmostFRIDAY" Thursday blog post of day

Its 9am.

I need to change the cat box, make some tree of life earrings that are all the same and upload .. I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OLD ETSY ADS BEFORE THEY SWITCH OVER TO PROMOTED ITEMS ADS BECAUSE I DONT UNDERSTAND THEM AND I AM SCARED. BUT I KNOW HOW IT WORKS RIGHT NOW SO GO GO GOGOGO.

i just got a ringing in my earrr oh my god what is going on something is happening... gotta check news sources =X


teeheeeeeee i need to get more gifs.... from new place. i have been using the same ones from this one site for ages.. and granted i havent used even HALF of them that i downloaded and saved.... i want moreeeee more cute things please thankssssssss ahhhh



ok I CHANGED THE CAT BOX. lilly makes nasty poops like human grade stinkies. lol
but since its one cat I only have to do it once a week and its not that bad anymore...

I am making tree of life earrings now and they are gonna be awesomeeeeeeeee they are so pretty and I genuinely love the entire mythology behind the tree of life--- in EVERY CULTURE and RELIGION.

The Tree of Life is a universal symbol found in many spiritual and mythological traditions around the world. In various cultures it is known as the Cosmic Tree, the World Tree and the Holy Tree. The Tree of Life symbolizes many things, including wisdom, protection, strength, bounty, beauty, and redemption. This wise and holy Tree is like the Creator as it sustains creation with its abundant fruit, protection and generativity. (http://www.treeoflifeteachings.com/)


anyways

uh i need to do something productive lmao
 EARRINGSSSSSSS

sneak peeeeekkkk--------------

we watched like... two episodes of Breaking Bad. and I am about to flip shit we are in the last season hendocjhodho;rhf;ognrefdcno;gljodjhnorc JESUS CHRIST.

Plans are set for Saturday cook out with my parents and .. tomorrow I have to be ready for mom at 10am? yikes. i dunno if i can do that yo.. jesus too much to dooooo


----------------------------------------------

its 11 pm and i am having to force myself to bed because i have to meet mom tomorrowwww grrrrr...
i finally found a way to streamline the earrings im making just now so that will help tomorrow and in the future yayayayayaya

SO MUCH HAPPENINGS I AM SO ANXIOUS I CANT BREATHE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO HALF THE TIME

i just shut down
and it sucks

maybe i can do better now? whateverrrr im going to beddd

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

just another HUMP DAYYYYYYYYYYY

this is mah hump day post

kthx

so Stan is still really sore and that makes me sad. he is gonna try to come home early from work... we need to go to the store again but he has gotta let me get the stuff. He needs to sit somewhere upfront.. i cant let him walk walmart today.. poor GrumpyBear. =(

BEFORE HE GETS HOME EARLY I HAVE TO DO THESE THINGSSSS:

  • vacuum apartment
  • wash all these dishes omggg
  • refill the water bottles/jugs/etc
  • try to make lising for these earrings im gonna try to sale really cheap on etsy... gotta get some money somehow...
I am drinking a shake and some tea... in my NEW HELLO KITTY CERAMIC MUG ITS SO PRETTTTTYYYYYYYYY

Im having some weird emotional feels about self worth and hating myself and... sigh.. I dunno.. just dont feel like I deserve any of this .... smh

okokokokokok vacuuming nowwwwww
and dishes are done and i am dressed and i refilled the water bottles.. on a ball todayyyy



-------------

Stan and I got food for Hercules and Lilly aaaaand APPLES... cause apples are awesome.
and a big pizza for later in the week.. and tiny ones for stan to eat randomly.. and... then we got CHINESE

I NEED TO STOP EATING CHINESE... i am getting fattt lol

BUT THEY HAD CORN NUGGETS THIS TIMEEEEE WOOO I LOVE CORN NUGGETS

i think i ate over 9000 corn nuggets!!!!!!!!


and a fuckton of button mushrooms that were sauteed and stir fried and what not.... and SOME DUMPLINGS TOOOO OMGGG DUMPLINGSSSSSSSS YAAAAAYYY

so anyways.. yall know how when you drink alcohol it can make your meds you were taking regularly that were in your system reset and you have to start over and build it back up....

thats kind of happening right now because i was a bad Tabikat for a few days and fell off some such band wagon or what not.

So... now my brain chemistry is off more than before. and to be honest, it had been for those four or so days and i was trying to pass it off as other things... but i was definitely off my game because my meds werent working due to drinking... and the drinking too of course... now its just my meds arent working...

this is just part of my life and what i have to go through. i am going to call Indian Rivers and go back into adult outpatient therapy... and hopefully maybe even group therapy for secondary diagnosis people who have more than one thing going on.

i am tired and feel like i have been hit by a truck. my meds and alcohol of this high proof are not safe in any sort of way.. i have a lot of weird bruises from beating myself up when i was mad at myself and didnt know what to do (yeah i knowits CRAYCRAY but its better than some alternatives i could take up for sure... so i punch myself in the arm a few times.. it could be many many worse things, believe you me)

so i have to wait for this pain to pass and try to get myself back in working order..


ON SATURDAY STAN AND I ARE GOING TO MY PARENTS HOUSE TO WATCH THE FOOTBALL GAMEEEE


STAN AND MOM SET THIS UP BEHIND MY BACK OLOLOLOLOL
i was smoking outside and they made plans without even asking me!!! god damn itttt lol... not fairrr.
lmao... so anyways... now we have something to do saturdayyy.


hmmmm tomorrow is thursday and i STILL HAVENT CLEANED THE LITTER BOX OMGGG i better do that tomorrow or Lilly is gonna be so MAD AT MEEEEE ahhhh =X

I am fighting my sleep really hard right now so I guess I will post this and head into the bedroom and lay down.

I RE-NEWED and updated some old listings I had done on Etsy---




okok now i am eating cold mushrooms and then i go to bed. LIGHT AND LOVE TO ALLLLL








Tuesday, August 26, 2014

terrific or terrifying tuesday.... who knows

I am not going to go into detail about what happened, I will just say that I am the luckiest woman in the world and Stan is the most amazing person I have ever met in my entire life. and I am blessed. There are not words in any language to describe how blessed I am and how much I love him and how thankful I am to have him choose ME to spend his life with... how grateful I am. I dont think I would be alive right now if he hadnt showed up.

Today I am going to give mom the jewelry sales/deliveries.

I also need to call Indian Rivers because I am not able to do without therapy. I tried and I failed. So here we go. Its ok.. this new lady is really nice and I talked to her a lot on the phone and I think she will be a good help to me.. I dont think anyone can replace Lisa and I think that is why I didnt want to keep seeing anyone.. but I have to keep an open mind and give this new lady a chance.. I miss Lisa so bad.... she was an empath and understood my eclectic spiritual beliefs..

i want to write more right now but i want to get back in bed and cuddle with my future husband because he deserves some love after what i have put him through. I love you GrumpyBear. you are my rock. please done give up on me. I am trying really hard to keep my head together every single day.. and its a struggle every single day. and i need you.. you know i need you. i love you.














____________________________

ok its 2:30pm mom stayed here for a really long time.... we chatted about a million thingssss...
I she brought my business cards with her so.... yayayayaayyayayayayyaayayay i am legit


Monday, August 25, 2014

JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAAAAAAAY

HELLO INTERBUTTZ I SLEPT ALL OF 4 HOURS LAST NIGHT AND YAAAAAYYYY I AM SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE AND KICKING AND GONNA DO STUFF TODAY I JUST GOTTA FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING BEFORE I START OR I WILL GET LOST IN TIME LOOP OF REPETITIVE THING.....

usually its coming my hair or something of that nature....

its self soothing, yall. grooming is awesome.

uh any fucking ways
WILL BE UPDATING THIS ALL DAY LONG SO HIT REFRESH OK THANKS WHATEVS

this week I am.... 

  • meeting up with mom on TUESDAY to give her my Aunt Tina and her aunts Alabama Roll Tide necklaces that are awesomeeee.
  • also giving mom my Nana's earrings she requested me make (I have to go shopping with Stan after he gets off work today ... he will be picking me up and taking me across town to Hobby Lobby just for this one thing and I feel bad cause I dont wanna make him do anything like that for little ole meeeeee.. =( but Nana needs clip on earrings and I could use some stuff to make these necklaces for the fall??? idek.

-----pause this shiznit the dog needs to pee lololol---


  • ok go. walked the dog. SAW MY CUTE LITTLE CACTUS BUDDIES IN THE WINDOW AND THEY LOOK AWESOME I LOVE THEM I NEED MORE ASAP. 
  • about to do laundry that we did late last night..... hang it up and such
  • just finished all of Nana's earrings that i can as much as i can until I get the clip on things this afternoon.. I am gonna save up all my energy for the HobbyLobby trip cause god knows I am gonna get lost in there like a kid in a candy factory!!!!
i need chocolate like i need AIR

just saying



  • i just did a surprise bonus chore that i should get TWO GOLD STARS FOR... washing the bathroom mats and swept bathroom floor... there is a smell in there and if its the floor mats again this will let me know.. if not.. MORE INVESTIGATIVE CLEANING TO DOOOOOOO LATERRR
  • NOW I put up the laundry from last night! and put up some of my clothes that were clean but laying around in my PANIC DASH THROUGH THE CLOSET AND DRAWERS TO FIND AN OUTFIT on saturday =X i am so girl and lame hahaha. oh man... ughhh.
  • ok now i put those floor mats in the dryer and hop in the shower because my hair is a messy messy mess. like no way to describe this... if yall know how long my hair is its.. oh god.. its like... its... it a nightmare. it really is. everytime. lol.


but wait i am hungry so maybe i will eat first because i know i get tired and dizzy in the shower my blood sugar likes to drop pretty fast in there for some reason? idk. it happens a lot.. i feel like i need a shower chair like an old lady =( =( =(

ok eating canned chicken and mushroom pieces and stems and melted cheese and french fried onions and oyster cracker crumbled up to soak up the juice cause i need all that sodium obviously duhhhhh

now i watch THE RICHESSSSS and zone out until i take my shower wooooo i love this show


Ok........

I took a shower and walked dog and ate the most delicious yogurt it cannot get in my belly fast enough.



now i am dressed up all nice and cute and ready to go shoppppingggggg



i think its time to gooooo ok bye for now.... yay shopping

BACK FROM SHOPPING..


we totally forgot the clip on earring things at HobbyLobby and left.... and on the way home... remembered... THANKFULLY Michaels was open and they had what we needed so.. that was okay... I felt like an IDIOT for forgetting it... since I made a list like.. a million times. nidlhfvneaogarsd damn it.

STAN BOUGHT ME SOMETHING AWESOME AND I DIDNT DESERVE IT AND IT MAKES ME SAD ok here it issss
its a ceramic dishwasher and microwave safe with rubber top and omg omgomgomgomgogm
i love it i love it love it love it love it

stan got me beads to work on my turquoise peace sign necklaces and the orange crosses..


OKAY SO I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED AND I HURT MY LEFT LEG/KNEE AND I NEED TO CRASH NOW BECAUSE I DIDNT SLEEPT LAST NIGHT OK THANKS

tomorrow I have to get up and finish Nana's earrings and be here for the delivery exchange thing with Mom around lunch. wooohooo.





Sunday, August 24, 2014

slow sunday.... grocery shopping.. tying up loose ends.

Yesterday was horrible it just drained all the life outta me... ugh... and the heat is DEFINITELY NOT HELPING HERE.. ITS SO HOT.

ok sooo i went grocery shopping .. I made a list and Stan made a list last night after i went to bed and i got most of it.. and he went to the radio station an hour or so ago.. and is going by the store on the way... to get the rest.. HERE IS A PIC OF THE LIST AND THE WALMART RECEIPT FROM MY GROCERY SHOPPING RUN



Stan has started up his own little project on the side like my jewelry business... he and his dad have this barbecue sauce they have been making for a long time and its kind of a family secret recipe.. lolololol

and STAN has some pretty awesome connections because he is an awesome radio reporter journalist person. and so.... he has someone that is gonna buy his stuff and this guy is .. kind of a big deal. pretty well known in tuscaloosa... like a mini celebrity.. he is using is for personal stuff though... haha so its not like a business promotion move but its still really awesome because the guy knows so many people he could potentially get more people to buy the sauce.. AND with my food stamps backing the first big batch... and the profit turn on this from what is costs to make and what its selling for is HUGE... so... it will pay for itself after this first time.

Stans sauce is amazing, I wont lie... good stuff.


i got Phillip (my cactus Ive had for a loooong time) a friend today... FINALLLLLLYYYYY I havent given her a name yet but I am going to ask everyone what they think we should name her!!!!

i made three pairs of earrings for my Nana and I have to make two more.. and then tomorrow we will get the clip on earring findings because ...Stan is being awesome and taking me to Hobby Lobby after he gets off work =X ahaha wooooo... I LOVE HOBBY LOBBY HELL YEAHHHH

I am going on a diet that feels safe for me starting tomorrow... I bought all the foods today.. so I have them here and I Can eat them and not worry... i just want to DE-BLOAT and start lifting these hand weights again cause i like my arms more when i do that.

so now i am sitting here and its almost 2am.. its monday officially.... idek what the fuck to do...
i need to make a game plan list for the week but that is not very easy


Saturday, August 23, 2014

oh mah gawwwddd

I have to be ready by 3pm and its noon and omg omg omg
luckily Tina cant meet me at 1pm. i would not have been able to do it.... i wouldnt... i dont know.... i cant do more than one thing a day ... its too stressfull... i dont even know if i can make it through this fundraiser =( and i cant leave if it gets too bad..

also we need to go grocery shopping but what the fuck how am i gonna do that after alll this? and i definitely cannot do it before.. or there is no way in hell i am gonna be able to keep my shit together at the fundraiser

wanna know the worst fucking part? its at a fucking PUB.... i have to be around people drinking beer. and i cant drink. and i will be nervous.
i dont even know why i said i would do this. or why i thought i could. i obviously cant. but here we go... lets go go go.. gotta do do it.. fml fml fml fml


-------------------------------------------------



okay we are back from the fundraiser ololololoooolooolol FML FML FML


holy shit you guys... NEVER underestimate the amount a panic attack and social anxiety can warp your fucing mind. I was a psycho bitch today because my paranoia anxiety about not being good enough and dressing nice enough was just... unbearable... i completely shut down all logical thinking and want to super crazy bitch mode. and Stan was a bit rude to me but I cant really hold it against him given how bad I know I am when i get these kind of panic and anxiety going....

Its worse than first day of school at new school... the only thing that tops this is auditioning for symphony band that one year that i bombed because they had us audition solo on the stage under all the lights in front of a panel of judges and oh my god... oh god... dont even... just no. fml. game over. send me to the firey chasm of hell i am done.

uh any fucking way.
i got dressed last minute and by last minute i mean in 30 mins.. and i made Stan late getting there
AND THEN we didnt even STAY at all.. just like.. 30 mins.. instead of two hours? or some such? it was fucking hot as hell ( a heat advisory and the temp was around 100 and index was 105+ today)... and the seating we got was outside and even under tents with fans i was pouring swear like a whore in church and just.. no good but it wasnt my idea to leave!!! i was gonna suck it up and stay! Stan is the one who wanted to go... the band they got to play wasnt his cup of tea (i didnt even pay attention enough to know what they were playing i was zoned out to keep from any anxiety and noise from making me tip over into full panic mode)

we walked to the asian market near the pub and they have started talking EBT/foodstamps.. so now i can get all kinds of amazing teas and asian foods and shit from there omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg i am going insane thinking about the possibilities of things i can get now.. ahaha



i am eating food and going to crash here soon i sweated out every ounce of energy i had today in panic attacks and heat wave shit.


Friday, August 22, 2014

TGIF --- tomorrow I get to have some fun maybe!

this is my update all day post so keep hitting the refresh button kthxtbye.

ok... today I have to figure out how the heck I am getting Tina's necklaces to her so she can have them when she goes and visits out of town because today and tomorrow (sat) are only days to make the exchange..
and TOMORROW around 4 and the rest of the evening I will be at a Fundraiser event for APR with my man looking all cute and awesome to make him look good cause thats what i dooooo yayayayayay


ok nevermind its settled i am meeting Tina tomorrow at 1pm to deliver!! wooo . then i have time to get pretty for the fundraiser. awww yeahhh

I am about to run out of gas in my car and this is not ok.
I need to make lots of jewelry today if I can but I dont knowwww

ok its 10 am i am taking the dog out to do his business lol

uh not sure wtf happened... now its like 4:14.. I know I went to sleep for awhile.... I also made ANOTHER elephant pendant necklace... that makes 3 i've made so far. and I picked out the options for tomorrow fundraiser thing i am going to so stan can make the final decision because thats how what i want i dont wanna make the decision myself plus he knows these people and what is going on and i dont wanna wear something thats.. just... not... i dont know..

Miss Lilly is being so very precious today... I am so happy to be her kitty momma.

I need to wash dishes.. i still havent done that... we dont use a lot of didshes so it take a few days sometimes to get a lot build up.


i feel sleepy again... the heat really gets to me.. like.. i get so fucking tired.. so so tired randomly and dehydrated and just... want to collapse and lay anywhere and everywhere..

its weird that i dont sleep good but i am so tired... i sleep for like an hour or two and wake up and... cant sleep... and.... falling asleep is so so so so very hard for me =( it makes me angry.. i just want to SLEEP but no... =(

anyways... dishes... then... waiting for stan I guess...  its 4:24pm...


---


its 9:30pm... i am so very tireddddd. stan did this horrible thing that he does that i love .... its called getting chinese take out on the way home. lmao. yeaaaaahhh... I AM A SUCKER FOR THE MUSHROOM THAT ARE SAUTEED AND STIR FRIED. I DUNNO. I COULD EAT THEM ALL DAY EVERYDAY INSTEAD OF MEAT


I am definitely going to bed soon.

I am so drained... this heat has got to go... I cant handle much more of this.
getting up at like... 9am? showering, getting pretty, making some jewelry maybe? then meet Tina to sell her the jewelry she wants! I hope she loves it!!! and then Stan and I are gonna go to dollar tree and maybe some other place before heading over to the Pub for the APR Fundraiser.

I hope I am not bloated tomorrow... I will cry.. omg..
goodnight interwebz (hitting the hayyyyyy at 10pm)

Thursday, August 21, 2014

PhotoSet - An Exercise In Vanity - Reminder to myself that I am beautiful



If all goes well, this should now be the place omfgitstabitha.com sends you to..

which is supposed to be a blogspot/blogger/google owned thing.. and not a tumblr error page... so  I really hope this is all sorted. I havent had to do something this complicated on my own in a long time... =X I AM HELPLESS WHERE IS MY EX HE KNOWS THESE THINGS

lol
i think i figured it out but i was zoned out into the computer for an hour or so reading shit to do it... jesus.


BTW THIS IS MY THURSDAY POST I WILL BE UPDATING SO YALL CHECK BACK NOW YA HEAR!
 HERP A DERP



So Jenna finally got in touch with me and told me she wants me to come by on a friday morning to deliver her stuff at the store front! SO EXCITING!!!! aahhhh!!!  but another friday because she is having painters come by tomorrow...
I am making maybe one more elephant pendant necklace and then doing something I WANT TO DO DAMN IT... and then this weekend I will list stuff on etsy.... I need to get some alabama stuff on etsy... i think i am losing chances to sell things right now =( i am so distracted and unorganized lately.. i dont know what to do... i feel bad... my mind is a heap of clutter and random post it notes and crumpled up piece of paper and doodles and gold stars and hello kitty stickers. yeah... MY MIND IS PRETTY COOL PLACE ISNT NNNNNOOO lolol

I havent even started my daily mood/food/health/journal log that i do everyday!!! wtfff

my brain is all kinds of shook up

i want food but i am fat. i want sleep but i need to stop being lazy. what is going onnn ahhhh... i need this heat to go away and fall to come... Summer gets me all kinds of foggy headed. ...


its 3pm !!!!!
where did the day goooooo
ahh

so my lovely Aunt Tina shared the second elephant necklace to her facebook people and someone she knows (her aunt) wants it... so I just sold two things just from facebook people seeing stuff.. and while its because of friends and family.

Stan has been amazing at promoting me on facebook and has a friend that has bought a TON of my stuff and I am so thankful. I want him to know that... .... I LOVE YOU GRUMPYBEAR

oh mah gawd i found a new place to look up adorbz pixel gifs to annoy the hell out of everybody with WOOOOOHOOOO



its 9pm and i am having to scramble around because errrybody wants to see my ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE GAME DAY JEWELRY.... and i dont have much after Jenna bought her stuff and I want to make more and enoghjrgorljhfglofd NOT ENOUGH TIME IN DAY

ALSO I AM RIDING THE HYPOMANIC CREATIVITY WAVE.... where i am really energetic and creative but i get distracted.. and... yeah... I HAVE TO GET STAN TO HELP ME MAKE LISTS SO ME FOCUS....

got way too much on my plate i dont know....i need to wash dishes and wash my hair and pick out an outfit for saturday


cause i am going to a FUNDRAISER AT A PUB FOR ALABAMA PUBLIC RADIO AND I GET TO BE ALL AWESOME AND LADY LIKE AND WHEEEEE...

yep yep yep i get to wear a dress and tights and and heels and yayayayayayayayayay


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

HUMPDAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY

It's 10 am and I have already changed the cat litter box, taken the dog for a walk, folded and put away the laundry, fed my kitty, gave the dog a treat for holding it all night and not pooping/peeing in house.

.....MUST TAKE BREAK FOR MORE STUFF WILL TYPE MORE SOON

list of TO DO TODAY:
  • restring necklace for Tina
  • finish 2nd elephant pendant necklace (3 strands braided up each side to the clasp... all red iridescent, solid white, and silver E beads... Toggle clasp. looking at maybe 22 inches? should probably shoot for 20 because I always end up with it being too long here lately =X )
  • dishes
  • start making shopping list for saturday which is stamp day wooohooo lets get healthy foods and stop being fatties yayayayayayay. (i am not obsessed i swear.... i swear... ok.. i am lying... i am obsessing and i am feeling fat ass and i cant help it and i dont know what to dooooooooooooooo ahhhhh dont worry Stan tempts me with delicious foods enough that it balances out usually)

AND NOW I MUST GO....
its 10:15 now... signing out lolololololol wtf idek kthxbye
-------------------------------------------

its almost 3pm.

 I have taken a bath, restrung that necklace for Tina, ate two huge ass bowls of chicken alfredo which is probably the worst idea ever.
about to start working on finishing up the 2nd elephant pendant. havent washed dishes yet but will probably do that sometime tonight.

Watching "The Riches"... need to start back watching "Weeds" and "Desperate Housewives" cause i fucking love that shit... so fucking horrible that its funny.. (well, the house wife stuff anyways haha)

I got a new tank top and its all ....something a highschool kid would wear.. and idek how old am i? 28? is that even possible?  i think i am still 21. definitely 21.. totally... maybe even 18... yep. thats it 18.

I AINT NEVER GROWIN UP YALL CAN KISS MY LITTLE BUTT.

anyways.

I am craving foods that I dont have and wont be able to have until saturday and then I dont know if I wanna have them. because i am fattie mcphatterson.
oh look a cookie...

(its 3pm now.... be back later.. i guess)


-----------
its almost 9 pm now..

I finished the 2nd elephant necklace:

three strands of E beads in red white and silver... this is approx 21 inches. toggle clasp. pewter elephant pendant thing-a-ma-bob.

so i have this really embarrassing issue with BMs and what not.... and sometimes i am sore from... trying to poop. and yeah... so.. I dont know.. I hope changing my diet here soon will make this better? i dont know what will make it better, honestly. I either cant poop or poop too much and or its all weird and I dont even... there is no normal for me. I dont remember what normal is.

ANYWAYS.

I guess tomorrow I will make one more elephant necklace!!!!
and after that i wanna make one of those asymmetrical rosary wire chain link beaded necklaces... probably in green with green cross or maybe turquoise peace sign? i dunno yet.. gotta find out what beads i have... i tried making something with the orange stuff and i dont have enough beads to do it.. i need a mix bag of glass beads that are orange shades... heavy high quality glass... random shapes and sizes... can be see through or solid doesnt matter. just needs to be that neon orange color that is popular right now.
maybe ebay????


OH MY BUSINESS CARDS CAME IN TODAY! WOOOOOHHOOOOO I AM LEGIT NOW I HAVE BUSINESS CARDSSS


Monday, August 18, 2014

Semi-Productive Monday...

So after yesterday's rather... eventful and -- needless to say -- slightly traumatic events... And Stan feeling sick from bad food combinations or what not? Today just was not meant to be a good day I dont think.. Stan stayed home from work, took a sick day. I slept like a rock something awful last night after falling on my left buttcheek/arm/leg TWICE on slick pavement... (it all happened in like.. less than 5 mins, too, which is insane.. I dont even know.... I mustve had some kind of adrenaline rush going cause i didnt feel a damn thing until i got home later)

Stan slept in and I woke up (finally) around 11am and went into the livingroom... Miss Lilly had been trying to get me out of bed since 4am... she was so hungry and frustrated.... and so hungry that she stopped being mad and started loving on me and rubbing on me and purring cause she thought i was mad at her and punishing her by not feeding her.... i think.. but i was just... sleeping and in pain lol. MY CAT IS LIKE A KID SHE IS SO CLEVER AND WEIRD I LOVE IT. **kittythinks: well this isnt working maybe its something else, oh I KNOW LETS TRY IT THIS WAY!**

anyway.

I managed to FINALLY hash out a piece of jewelry that uses those elephant pendants my mom got me like... over a year ago??? yeahhhh. 
the links arent that great and i might even re-make the whole thing if someone buys it-- atleast i know what the design is and i have a picture of it and can remake it without having to think it out and plan it.
I have like maybe... 5 more of the elephant pendants so I can do different designs with it to see what i like.. and maybe i can go and see if the place i got them has any more if they are a big hit (someone already asked about how much i wanted for the prototype necklace that i made and posted a picture of so i might have hit a jackpot here i hope maybe)



Stan woke up and had some chicken soup. He wanted to take it easy  on his stomach after being sick and all... I walked the dog twice, the first time in the morning I ran into a white girl who lives here that i had never met before and I talked to her for a while.. she was nice. she works at Cheddars. she noticed I was carrying a knife on me and she was all like "ahaha i see you carry your protection" and i was like "yeahhh my boyfriend wants me to" and she was all like "I carry mace." and i was all like "thats awesome i need to get some.. i keep saying that i will and i never go down to that store that sells it and get any... bahhh..

It came a good storm this afternoon... nice little line of storms popped up and came through the area.
I havent eaten any of Stan's Chicken and pasta yet because I feel like a fat ass and I dont wanna gain any weight and its makes me sad because I am getting paranoid and freaking out about being fat again just like i used to even though i am happy and everything is fine.. I just.. i dont know how to make the bad feels go away... it just.. probably going to be something i have to live with.. and work on.. and ween myself out of....for a very very very long time...for now thought i am going to eat safe food that i wont freak out about eating and try not to hop on down that rabbit hole again. ive been really good about staying healthy for a while now and i feel like i am walking on eggshells.

what they dont know is i have magic powers and i will soon be dancing on these eggshells and laughing in everybodys faces cause i am not giving up on being happy and and living the best life i can. 
#getbusyliving

Just have to keep on Keepin on




"I’m fine, but I’m bipolar. I’m on seven medications, and I take medication three times a day. This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I’m never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It’s like being a diabetic." - Carrie Fisher 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

starting a public free for all to read and know about blog-

so i am copy pasta-ing this from my facebook status update and my other blog.... (which will not be used for more personal stuff.. its still public but i dont share it on facebook when i update, which is what i plan to do with this one from now on... ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSS)

Its story time!...... (if you read my other blog or facebook youve seen this so just ignore...)