Monday, December 11, 2017

first blog entry of december

so um, yeah. life has been pretty uneventful.
i went to the dentist-- they got me into surgery the very next morning.
they put me to sleep and i woke up and three teeth were gone.
the pain went away and came back yesterday morning. but it seems to have went away again.

stan and i are doing ok. not much is going on (that i can talk about, its private and its nothing bad. its actually good stuff. but again-- not something i can talk about here)

i am procrastinating on doing the christmas cards. i need to do that asap. just getting a list of who i am going to be making them to would be a start but its mostly stans family and my friends and thats it so... idk... i guess i could get mine done and if stan doesnt get on the ball about giving me names and addresses those people just wont get anything from us.
we need to get his mother's stuff packaged up and mailed to Kentucky. and any other gifts.
his dad and step mother might come down here so that would save us from having to mail their stuff up there, because i think the thing we are getting them is going to be pretty heavy and expensive to mail.

i need to find a way to get the money to mail Alaina and Jo's xmas packages.

I went to see my cousin April and we watched Gone with the Wind and she tried to teach me to crochet but i didn't make it very far. i am still doing single chain of shit. like, i got to the second row but i pulled everything so tight i couldn't get back through to do it. idk what the techincal terms for any of this is.

the new StarWars movie comes out this friday and stan and i are going on saturday to see it.
we have to go to the reynolds christmas on sunday--stan and i arent playing dirty santa so i dont have to worry about that. it has always made me really uncomfortable because everybody is looking at you when you get your turn and again if you have to take somebodys gift because yours got taken from you.
it just really makes me have bad feelings. i have NEVER like it. and i am really glad that stan is agreeing that we dont have to do it.

i need to try and not gain anymore weight between now and sunday
i also need to figure out what kind of meal plan i should put together to lose between 5-10 lbs by january 27.

we need to renew my domain name for another year.
and work on my kami-con cosplay.

I totally wrote this days ago. And thought I lost it but blogger saved it.
And I'm posting it days late but at least I'm posting.

Tomorrow is Friday and I can't eat pizza. I will survive. I'm too fat and don't deserve it. Plus on Saturday we are having a date day and I have to eat out somewhere. And that is going to make me gain another 5 lbs.
We are seeing the starwars movie Saturday. And shopping.
I have to find clothes that fit my fat ass. If I can't find anything I might refuse to go. Stan can go alone. I can't handle this fat ass being see in public. I want to kill myself right now. Not even joking. Not joking.

Sunday is the Reynolds Christmas and yet again I have to find something to wear. I might wear stretchy black pants and a t-shirt. I don't think any of my. Clothes are going to fit.
I am dreading this weekend so much because I got so fat.
I wont even be able to eat. Like I can't. I am huge. And they will see my fat ass eating and wonder how I can even eat when my ass is so fat. Like I dont deserve it and definitely don't need it. I don't want to go at all. I don't. Want to. I will hide the whole time. I can't do this I am freaking out.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

long long time no posty

I havent posted since the Thor movie.... lolol

okay so I literally had to go in my planner and flip back to the days and figure out what happened to update this thing haha

In general the things that are going on are POKEMON ULTRA SUN/MOON
I am a little disappointed in the story line being so similar and... idk.. i do like that they have way more pokemon from different gens showing up in the wild.
the pokebank (stan was kind enough to get it for me) is not compatible with the new game just yet (but will be in a few days, supposedly)
so I organized my pokemon for the bank and did the upload and so they are gone from my copy of Sun. I will eventually get the ones from X. I dont think they have planned on supporting Gold/Silver from the estore download virtual console. but they are apparently going to support red blue yellow. and the other virtual console download games that came out earlier on. the silver/gold just came out like... last month? or two? so that might be why its not immediately on the supported list of games.

so yeah. Pokemon Ultra SM came out on nov 17 and stan was amazing and wonderful and awesome and got it for me. i dont deserve it at all. like, not at all. not even a little bit.
so i am very grateful.

they brought the headstone for nana's grave and put it up... and i tried to stay for the whole thing but i started breaking down and i had to leave. i couldn't stand up and i was crying about to sob and mom has already told me multiple times that i am not allowed to do that infront of pawpaw. so fml i went to the car and drove home sobbing. it was a really bad day. i still cant even think about it at all without crying, so i just dont let myself think about it. i try not to. if i do its game over, i am done. crying will happens for hours. idk.

we visited pawpaw in fayette on nov 18th... and it was really hard... going to the house and she wasnt there. i sat in her recliner. i dont know if that made pawpaw feel weird or better because i am so much like her. i should have asked if it was ok. but i didnt and in retrospect i feel bad for just assuming i could sit there. =(
we watched the game. or they did. lol. we stopped and got KFC on the way for them and i ate tuna and crackers. THEN I ATE LIKE HALF A GALLON OF ICE CREAM I SHIT YOU NOT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I PUT IT ALL IT WAS LIKE A MAGIC TRICK.
big regret on that. i am probably going to be fat at Kami-con and it will ruin the entire thing for me. fml

on mon nov 20th i attempted to patch stan's jeans. and despite doing an excellent job last time i did it--- i dont remember how i did it. so i tried and i think i failed. i dont know. i didnt show him because i was embarassed. i did however sew on a button correctly (which is easy peasy) however all the buttons on that shirt need redoing so they dont fall off sometime soon so i need to do that. i have a lot of shit on my to do list and i am procrastinating like fuck. i just wanna watch anime and play pokemon but i keep getting distracted by things.. that the things i am getting distracted by arents even the good things that i need to be doing.

i finally actually started pokemon Ultra Sun on nov 21st.

Thanksgiving was hard as hell. like.... i barely made it though. nana wasnt there. she should have been sitting across from me. and she wasnt there.
she wasnt there.
she wasnt there.
she is gone.
she is gone.
i ate a lot and tried to purge and got only like 1/2 of it up.. if that. so i felt like shit and have kind of been binging ever since which makes me feel like shit even more idk what to do all i want to do is eat WHICH IS FUCKING FUNNY BECAUSE I HAVE A TOOTH ACHE SO BAD I CAN BARELY EAT BUT SOMEHOW MY FAT ASS IS MANAGING TO EAT A FUCKTON ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM AN OUT OF CONTROL WORTHLESS FAT PIG

on thanksgiving stan and I watched Aladdin and it made me really happy. he and i have had a rekindling of some bedroom romance and its really good for us. i think. i mean, i feel better. i hope he does too. otherwise i will feel stupid.

on friday i watched Alice in Wonderland. i left the menu music on for like two hours after it was done and just dozed off. it was nice.

on sat nov 25 my little brother made fun of me for eating and it upset me really bad. like really really really really really bad.
i have barely talked to him since then, i dont want to talk to him. he is a fucking asshole. he needs to look in the goddamn mirror before he starts talking about other people and their eating and fatness.
if he says anything again i will physically hurt him. i dont care what he does or my parents do, he needs to be smacked around. he is disrespectful to our parents and everyone around him. he wasnt spanked and disciplined as a child (its my mothers fault, she babied him ) and now we have this monster living in the house that we have to deal with... and cant kick out because he is struggling to get financially ok because minimum wage and living and shit is bullshit and idek.

on sunday nov 26 i put up the christmas lights ... and they were 2 strands of lights... 5 ft a piece but they dont connect to each other so i just framed the mirror on the wall next to the door because they wouldnt go around the closet door.
sunday is also laundry. as usual. i like having one day for laundry. its simple and makes my planning of the week sectioned off by something.

on tues nov 28 i went to town... stan got my money on monday so i went somewhere. i am grateful for the gas money. i didn't really buy much. but i got a xmas notepad to use this next month. (i have some but they are in storage. i think i have a lot of notepads and shit in storage but .. well... lol they're in storage haha)

and wednesday the 19 is today! i am blogging haha
and i changed the bedsheet and i think we will do just the fitted bedsheet. because stan and i both have our own blankets. because we cant share lol. we both pull on them and curl up and theres no way we could use one blanket or comforter.. even if it was huge.

so because i change the bedding i am doing some laundry in the middle of the week.

later tonight or afternoon i need to take a shower so i can be clean for tomorrow.
then again i could shower tomorrow as soon as stan leaves because he showered today and id have the hot water tomorrow.
i ATTEMPTED to clean or tidy up the room but honestly its almost impossible. so small bedroom so much stuff =(

the rest of the week...
on thursday (tomorrow) i have a dentist appointment at noon. i am driving to northport and leaving my car at walmart and stan is meeting me and driving me to my appointment.... because well, i dont really know how to get there and i get panicky thinking about it. plus he has to pay for it anyways so he has to be there.
tomorow they are only doing the xray films to see how bad my teeth are before they start trying to fix them... again.
its going to be rough. my teeth are falling apart. my dentist is going to be so disappointed in me =(
which makes me really anxious and not feels good about going because i hate hate hate hate hate disappointing people. like.. it really really hurts me inside.

on saturday stan is going to Cahaba for work.
and sunday is laundry.

and that's about it.

i am so glad i finally got a blog entry done so i can stop worrying about it... haha. it was nagging me because i know i need to and i want to but i just keep finding other things to do. and stan likes me blogging so he knows how i feel.

i am really upset about my health insurance thing. like i cant explain how much it upsets me. i feel like i dont deserve to have insurance or any kind of health care or anything at all. and its like... i especially feel like i dont deserve this because i am already being so well taken care of in every other part of my life... like its just too much. i need to stop being so greedy and needy and horrible
we have talked about me going back to work at some point but the idea scares the hell out of me.
i wish i could work from home but hearing all the bullshit april is going through to do the medical transcriptionist thing... like i'd have to go to school a little bit... idk
if stans credit hours would work for me maybe i could take a class for something that could lead to a job?
though i wanted to use that to play in the concert bands or something at the ua.
i dont know... i am feel really overwhelmed just thinking about it.
and i have already made a commitment to going to Kami-con and i really really really wanna go but i am scared i will be fat and feel hideous and have a horrible time and that will make the whole thing pointless and stan will be mad because i made him go and waste money on something that made me less happy than i was. and the thought of that makes me anxious and upset and i cant...
its like every little thing that happens in my life does this
i cant make it stop and i live like his every second of every day
i cant even breathe
how am i supposed to work
i dont know

so i have to see a dentist and that costs extra money. then theres the starwars movie. and the reynolds christmas (omg this is going to be hell idek wtf i am going to do)
and then i have to go to indian rivers one more time on jan 3 because i cant get into mental health place stuff on time before i run out of meds.
and then i have to try and see if this campus clinic thing is ok. like i really have doubt. i dont know. its good that its free but i have a feeling they are going to be a lot of indian rivers and i'm going to get pissed on again and again. and that makes me really anxious and nervous and like i dont wanna do it but i have to but i want to... but i really hate it... cause i have to start all over and its going to be hell and i dont even know if they will take me seriously?????
and if they want my patient file from indian rivers i have to go get that released. and then they will see that and i didn't even tell IR half of the shit that is going on with me and they will probably be like "well its not in your FILE so i think you are bullshitting for meds" so there we go already fucked up
i dont think people understand it.. i literally have this happening almost every few mins about something. anything. it could be about almost anything in the world. even theoretical situations that havent and may not even happen.. and its like i'm trapped in this cycle of anxiety and fear and scared and upset.
like i dont even want to try or do anything because its... i've already thought about all the things that could happen and i am seeing way too many bad outcomes and its just.. not ...i dont know... i am really upset right now.

ok so now that i have bared my soul a little bit here i am going to go play pokemon or something idk

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Saturday date day recap

So.. Saturday was awesome. I woke up and despite having a hard time falling asleep (night time convulsions again) I slept really hard the few hours I did sleep.
I got up, took a bath. (i dont wash my hair as often in winter.. I don't sweat as much and I use dry shampoo and my hair is kind of dry to begin with. So everyday washing makes it kind of brittle unless I soak it in that expensive ass hair oil leave in spray and I don't wanna do that)
I got dressed up.
I only dress like this when I have an elevated mood... And I like that Stan can be all like "yeah this is my wife. Yes I am Awesome."

Also I like to pretend I actually have self confidence. Which I don't. When I dress like this I am constantly going to bathrooms to find mirrors because I am deathly scared something is out of place or my fat is bulging out everywhere and I look hideous. So yes I wear this. No I don't feel confident. It might look like it, but I am secretly anxious as hell looking for the next time i can look in a mirror and make sure I look atleast moderately acceptable. And people watching me probably think I'm just looking at myself because I think I'm pretty and vain and shit. But that's not it at all. And you know-- I have no way or telling people what's really going on.
It's not like I can make an announcement "PSA: girl is looking in mirror to see if she looks like shit or moderately acceptable, not admiring herself. She thinks she looks like shit 24/7"

Uh anyway.
We went to the thrift store. Which was a shock. They completely changed the lay out of the store. All the rows of clothes were completely turned the other way and rearranged. The housewares and knickknacks were different. I didn't even look at the back where the books and furniture was. I mean I think we walked by it but I tend to not focus on things when I'm out and about because I have to separate myself from my surroundings into my head a little bit, or I get sensory overload and anxiety gets to me bad.
Anyway. Stan got shirts. And I got a wide black belt. And a wide brown belt. Exact what I went there for.
(I was going to look for brown flats but krista(little bros fiancee) brought some shoes to the house to see if I wanted them before they sent them to donate. So I got some light gold looking flats that work. Also black so I have a spare. And red - which is new for me but I am excited to see what I can come up with them outfit wise.)

After the thrift store we went to Chick-fil-A and I got a 12 piece grilled nuggets meal. Which came with fries. I didn't want fries but they were there and.... I ate them. I regret it. A lot. Because that set the tone for the rest of the day. (i binged on pizza when i got home)
I was really hungry and it was very satisfying.

We got to the theater at exactly the right time. Which helped my anxiety a lot. Getting places on time (Aka 15-30 mins early) really helps me calm down... I need a buffer between things to sort my head out before I take on the next thing. If I don't I get confused and foggy headed and overwhelmed and that makes me snappy and bitchy. Short temper. Etc. I only realize these things after the fact when I get a chance to sit and collect my thoughts on the day that just happened... Which is why blogging is so good for me. It also let's my husband know some of what is going on inside my head without me having to try and explain it verbally with words. Which is hard sometimes. A lot of the time.

The movie was AMAZING. I laughed so much I thought I was going to get in trouble for being too loud. It was seriously the funniest thing I have seen since the "Deadpool" movie.

After the movie we went to Gamestop and Stan did the most amazing thing and pre-ordered "Pokémon Ultra sun" for me. I had been on the fence about getting it but if we are going to kami-con I really want to have the newest game so I can battle people (i dont plan on doing any tournament things. Just casual battles. I know i will get my ass kicked. Lol I always do. But it's fun and I want to do it.)
They had "Ocarina of Time" for the 3ds for $20 and I talked myself out of asking Stan for it because he has already done, and is doing so much for me. I don't deserve these things and i feel bad asking for them. Maybe one day when I have the right medicine I can work a a part time job and have spending money for extra stuff like games. And clothes shoes makeup etc. But until then I need to remember my place and go bare minimum on things as much as i can. I know i am asking for more than bare minimum right now but it's.... Significantly less than most stay at home trophy wives would ask for. I think. I hope. If I'm wrong I will feel bad and guilty and have to cut back even more as penance for being so needy and demanding. (please keep in mind that NONE OF THESE LIMITS OR PUNISMENTS ARE. COMING FROM STAN. this is just me being hard on myself because I don't think I deserve anything at all)

Then we went to Walmart.... The dreaded (but unfortunately necessary) hell hole. We got my Lamictal, dry shampoo, deodorant, pretzel crisps, tuna, popsicles, beef and noodles, other foods..
We checked out and left... Stan's vehicle was driving weird so he pulled into  parking lot and called people to get opinions on things.
However we restarted the thing and it drove like normal. Stopped turned car off. Started again. And it was fine. So that was good. Idk if it's actually better or okay but it got us home.
We unloaded the car and took all the groceries in and sorted that out. Stan watched most of the game but he was tired as hell too (because of me. I always keep him awake at night and I hate myself for it. I am sorry I can't.. Idk)
I tired to stay awake but gave up and did the things I usually do when I'm tired..... I fought my sleep by eating food. Idk why but if I eat I can stay awake. I didn't want to go to bed. It was kind of early. But I think I did anyway. I slept really hard like.. Super hard. I woke up really stiff so I know i did not move around a lot while I was asleep. Had to do my morning stretching cat yoga twice to get things moving.
So here I am.
It's 8:30am
Today I wash laundry and we need to go to the storage unit and take stuff that is cluttering up the house. Also I need to look for my box of tights because they apparently aren't going to be selling dark brown tights this year. They have light brown. Like... What color is it... Tawn? Idk
Plus if I can fit into some of those old tights from two or three years ago, that will potentially save money because it's less I have to buy for this winter. Also I have one skirt I am missing and it is my favorite. So I really really really need to find it.

We ordered some stuff from "Wish" the other day... and if the quality is okay we will get more stuff. It will be a few weeks before it gets here. But that's OK.

Stan and I had a good day yesterday, despite the fact that I kept him up most of the night with my convulsions. I should have slept in the living room. I keep forgetting to do it. I wish Stan would remind me. Or suggest it. Because I don't think of it when it's happening but in retrospect I always do know i should have.

I hope Stan sleeps in this morning. He needs to. I feel bad about making him go to the storage unit today but we really need to do it. At least it's open 24/7 I think... So we could go tonight if he wants to rest most of the day.

Uh anyway this is a really long post. I didn't plan on writing this much, lol.
It's 9 am now haha

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

apparently its TACO TUESDAY

mom and making tacos tonight
so i have title for a blog post
so i'm going to blog

we have had a lot of bad news and shit in the past few days and its just like... seriously... SERIOUSLY
i don't even....

i am so upset that i have shut down. i feel nothing. i have dissociated  from the feels. or most of them.
well ok not really i lie.
we aren't going to kentucky to visit family this year during the holidays.
and we definitely aren't going to the holiday parry that APR is having because they are treating him like shit and i am fucking done with it.
i'm pissed off at some other people about this stuff but i'm not going into details.

so.... november is open enrollment for getting on stan's insurance. and so that is being done. however--- i will not start receiving coverage until january. my next appointment at indian rivers for med script re write on jan 3. so i have to figure out how many refills i have and if i can make it until they can see me somewhere with his insurance because i am NOT going to continue treatment plan at Indian Rivers. like.. no. hell no. they have been a piece of shit this whole time. I had ONE therapist (over like. 7 years?) that did any good and she didnt even do much for me at all.  i got tossed from psych to psych they dont even learn our names just.. fuck that shit.

so i am waiting until january.

all i gotta figure out is if my meds will last that long.. and like... hell, the new person i see for the batshits probably wont send me home with a new med prescription on the first day so i guess i need to go to indian rivers this one last time. if they take my insurance this time it shouldn't cost $160 fucking dollars to spend 15 mins with a nurse practitioner.

any fucking ways

so all the super sexy cute outfits i had planned to wear to places this holiday season are completely worthless. and i say i could save them for next year-- but i will probably be even more fat ass cow next year i mean you get older you get fatter right. so fml. i have nothing.

i really just
stan and i need to come up with something to do for us since everything else is shit. find a concert in another town on a weekend or something. i cant just sit here i will go insane.
and i had lost weight and was hoping to lose more so i could be cute and dress nice. but fml

at least we are still going to kami-con in jan. ...i swear to go if we don't go i will flip shit. we have to do something. we had so much fun being away from the house at the Renfair when we went a week or two ago and just... i want to have that feeling more. i need to do things. i know i have anxiety but...

 hotels are soothing for me. because living here with the family i am always on edge thinking about... --- well, what are THEY thinking about. do they want the house cleaner? should i take wash the dishes is there something i haven't done that they are secretly upset about. are they annoyed by me? upset? do i disgust them? am i bothering them? and then its like... i feel like they are talking about me when i hear them in the next room and i cant make out what they say and i just know.. i fucking know its about me. about how horrible i am. and i cant.. i cant make the thought go away. i get stuck in this place.

so being away out of town or just in a hotel helps me relax on a very very deep level inside that i don't usually get to feel. because there's no way i can get away from my mind racing these paranoid thoughts about the other people in the house and what they are doing and thinking.. just
i need the time away sometimes.

thats all

so there isn't really anything happening this week... its just full stan working his job that he hates and me sitting here trying to stay sane and occupy myself with stuff. pokemon. netflix. planner. art journal.
but i cant have the next pokemon game because it cost a lot of money and i don't deserve it and we need to save money and i am really sad about this. like really really sad.

i am also sad that i cant use the pokebank to keep my pokemon i have on these other games.. because like... i named one of them about Mr.Kitty and other stuff like that. and i will never get the shiny pokemon again. they'd be stuck in sun/moon. i caught TWO shiny pokemon on my own in the wild. and that's pretty impressive, i wasn't even doing the hunting thing people do to try and get shiny pokemon. it just happened. my little Abra and Ledian. (i think thats how its spelled the lady bug that has arm and legs and shit.. idk) and i have the pokemon that Miss Lilly is named after.. on that copy of white 2 that i lost somewhere in the house and cant find but i think that is uploadable to the pokebank to so.... i would like that.... i also caught a shiny in one of those games but i don't remember if i restarted it... i hope i didn't... cause that would be cool... to have a shiny i caught on an older game.. in the new games.
and i am hoping the god damn pokebank will connect to the nintendo switch shit and transfer because ultra sun ultra moon are the LAST pokemon games to be released on the 3ds system. they are calling it quits and moving to the switch after that. so im sure they will find a way to make this possible because they'd have a fucking million people really really really fucking upset if they just... lose their pokemon. like their gone. i hope they make this possible. idk.

i am rambling about stuff
i think i will go play pokemon now.. i haven't played all day and i don't think i played yesterday either.

i hope stan is ok i am worried about him and i cant fix him and it makes me upset because i want to fix him and i cant and just.... ffffffffff. I LOVE YOU STAN YOU ARE MY ROCK I LOVE YOU

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Just a FYI update on something

So like... I am pretty much living off of canned tuna. Canned white meat chicken. Canned green beans. Cup of chicken noodle soup. Tapioca pudding cups. Wheat thins. And light fat free yogurt and English muffins and sugar free jam. Sometimes plain instant oatmeal packets. And pretzels and animal crackers.
I do eat other stuff sometimes but it's sparingly.

I know it's definitely not ideal nutrition. At all. But I'm eating tuna and chicken(protein) . I have never been into red meat very much anyway (I have veggie bocaburger things for when my family does hamburgers and hot dogs)
I take multivitamins... I almost never did that in the past because they make me nauseated. But the adult gummy vitamin are okay.
I am doing the best I can right now. I was better for a bit. Then the past few months I've just been.. Going down hill. And now.. In the past few days I just feel like... A switch has been turned on in my head. I don't have enough energy or mental willpower to fight this right now. I get really really bad anxiety and guilty feels when I eat... Other stuff. Furthermore I don't trust or like eating at restaurants because I don't get to measure out serving sizes. And I don't get to see the food being cooked. Or atleast know how it's being done.
But I do sometimes eat other stuff. I do. So nobody freak out. My family is here with me and they know I am eating.
It's just a little harder than it was. And seems to be getting harder here lately.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017


so the weekend get away was great. we gave decided to do that more often. it was really good for us. mentally and emotionally and as a couple to get out and be on our own. to be able to sleep and be around each other without knowing somebody is in the next room. that shit messes with your head. i think
stan ate a huge turkey leg drumstick thing. and i got three quartz crystals to wrap and make pendants out of... after that i was pretty much happy. nothing could ruin my day. lol
i ate enough for like 3 people at the place we went to for dinner.. Shoneys.. they are very rare and almost non existent but  they was one so we went there and i ate and ate and ate and ate.
and then i ate little debbie snack cakes at the hotel.
we watched random movies on the hbo or whatever they have in the hotel
and went to bed early ish i think
i didnt sleep much. i woke up and played on my phone and AT MORE STUFF I SHOULDNT HAVE EATEN. BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL
stan and i had a good morning on sunday morning.
and we ate breakfast and left and went to dollar tree and came home.
and crashed and i slept... for a lomg time.
and on monday i slept a lot more
i feel sickish

i think i caught something at the fair so i am feeling a little under the weather.
i am behind on laundry, didn't do that on sunday. and trying to do that today
i need to refill my med case i have been just filling up for a day or two and i need to do it for a whole week so i dont have to keep coming back and redoing it every few days

i talked to my cousin douglas on the phone yesterday for almost 2 hours and it was nice but he was feeling down so it wasnt nice... i dunno. i have this whole... need to fix people want to make everybody happy and i cant help him much but tell him what to do to get started on taking care of himself mental health wise and thats all i can do. other than listen because i know what he is going through better than anybody else he knows

i have some personal projects this week. i also need to work on trying to see april. and douglas. but that means gas money and i hate asking stan for gas money because i makes me feel like a piece of shit.

i want to art journal and journal and... work on.. i dunno. christmas card mailing lists? i wanna do that this year! it gives me happy and something to do.
i need to pick out what to wear to the holiday things and for when we travel and i know its a long time from now but if i dont start doing it i will feel rushed and freak out when it gets closer.

idk what else
im gonna go do stuff

Thursday, October 19, 2017

I can't believe its only thursday

This is the slowest week ever.
and i have been sick since saturday night.
the head cold is almost gone... i dont get neon green yellow shit when i blow my noise anymore.
but it still makes my ears pop and theres fluid in there. i mean, dont get me wrong i'm congested as fuck but it's nowhere near as bad as it was two days ago.
my chest however... i thought it was okay because i could breath but just a few hours after bragging about that it got worse and now i have this death rattle cough. and nothing will come up at all. i can't cough this shit up. like maybe i have like.. coughed something up twice in the past four days. its just coughing and it rattles and it hurts like a son of abitch. like someone is stabbing me in the chest.

note to self: spell check isnt working right apparently oh well

an old friend that i had lost has started talking to me. apologized for being pretty much the meanest son of a bitch i have ever met in my life. and some shit. and i find myself unable to stay pissed off at this person despite knowing i have every right to be pissed the fuck off. for the rest of my life pissed off. thats how pissed off i should be. but whatever we are adults now. so i am seeing if this can be a friendship. my hopes arent very high. i dont exactly have friends. never have.

i have been stuck in the house. even if i could go anywhere (without feeling like a fat fuck and being paranoid that people are staring at me in disgust) i shouldn't because i'm sick.
we are going shopping on sunday so i guess i will go somewhere then, until then i am here trying to not sleep all day. i play pokemon but i get sleepy and i dont want to fall asleep with my 3ds on because i'm afraid i will break it in my sleep because i just have really fucking bad luck.
I watch netflix but i can only do that for so long too.
I dont have the patience to read. but then again, i havent really tired that much lately either. i guess i could do that.
i am getting antsy as fuck about getting health insurance because i am scared to death of it and excited at the same time. i keep thinking maybe things will get better. but then i keep thinking... what if i found out something really bad and it ruins my life? i could live on being oblivious and just live without worrying and having some kind of weird sickness or something hanging over my head. i have no idea wtf is going on with my health or my body i have not had a doctor in over 10 years. never have a p doc. never have a physical never had anything.
its just so much easier this way.
i'm starting to think that maybe even if i get insurance i wont use it unless i am deathly sick.
i dont even think my meds work anyway. i think its just placebo bull shit i dont feel like they are doing anything at all. so why am i still taking them?

so the only plans we have are ... going to a Renaissance fair next weekend in north alabama (florence i think it is) and we are going to stay over night.
i don't know how i will handle it. sometimes i think i will be ok.
and then there are other days where i am so disgusted with myself i dont want to get out of bed or put clothes on or bathe or eat or breathe.
i dont know how i will handle being in a place with lots of people. usually if its in an outdoor place i am okay. crowded indoor places get me really bad. my anxiety is hit or miss a lot of the time. people think that just because i dont have a panic attack one time over something that i am magically cured and can do anything without a problem. but thats not how it is. at all. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days and sometimes i can do certain things and other things i cant do i cant predict it or explain it. so theres a chance we could go to this thing and i could be scared to death to even get out of the car and do shit. so what happens then? we have wasted a trip. a weekend. wasted money. i dont have a magical pill to make it easier to handle. i dont have shit.
so while he wants to go to this renaissance fair.... and i wish i could want to go... i really dont know what i want to do because i dont know how i will handle it until we are already there.
i guess if i cant do it he can take me to the hotel and leave me there. but check in isnt until the afternoon and we will get there in the morning. so what the fuck am i going to do?
i hate myself and i hate this life and i dont understand why i have to be the one with all this bullshit problems i will never know what its like to feel normal or have a normal day or do things without being afraid or scared or upset or... i dont know. it just feels really pointless right now. all of it.
chronic mental illness is a son of a bitch and i will NEVER get rid of it.
it doesnt GO AWAY.
this is my fucking life
and i dont even know if i want to live it
but its all i fucking have