Saturday, December 8, 2018

Another one bites the dust

My poor Chromebook seems to have given up the ghost. It is fully charged and won't turn on. Bless it's heart. I'm glad I had been using the Google cloud for stuff. And now I have no idea when I will have a proper computer that i can type on again. So I dunno. Blogging from my phone might be the new thing for a while.

We went to Walmart to get some Christmas stuff done and the cashier was just useless, so all the gift cards we wanted to get haven't been gotten yet so thats even more we have to do in the crunch time between now and Christmas.

I am struggling really hard with body imagine eating disorder stuff. Today I was having anxiety attack and crying when I had to get ready and look presentable to public... It's just. I am so hideous. I cannot leave the house please just let me hide away. I dont want anyone else to see how fat and ugly I have become. It's really hard. It takes hours to get myself to the point of leaving the house. I just feel so worthless and useless and trashy and slobby and fat and gross and disgusting and I can't make the shit stop. It's a mental barrage of this all day. I just want to lay here and cry. I pretend  to be ok as much as I can because that's what is expected of me. And it's so damn hard to put on that face and fake that smile and be ok around people because you can't let them know you are suffering. It's the holidays. You have to be merry and bright. You have to paint yourself up with glitter and bows. And you go to war. Be brave. You can make it through this. And when it's all over you can focus on losing as much weight as possible as fast as possible because there is no other way to make these feelings go away. I have no other coping mechanism. This is it. So .... Paint myself up in glitter and gold with bows. Make it through the holidays. And crash into January and kick my own ass until I am not 773834847 Ibs. I just can't.... It's like... Right now. I'm so fat I'm not even a person. I'm just a blob thing. I can't. I can't explain it. I feel subhuman.

And that my friends.... Is my thinking and my life and it's barest. No sugar coating. This is it. Take it or leave it.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Bah humbug

Or whatever.
I really wanna update from my Chromebook and also update my blog layout for Christmas because I have cute little gifs of Christmas trees and stuff I wanna use but .... My Chromebook won't start.

I am having a particularly hard time with my eating disorder right now. Not so much that I'm not eating... But the mental health side of tortured thoughts and constant nagging voice in my head that I'm horrible and fat and disgusting and undeserving and should die. Like these are the thoughts I hear everyday. This is what my eating disorder monster screams at me all. Freaking. Day. Every. Day.

And people wonder why I want to sleep. Other than the fact that I am chronically fatigued-- just having no energy at all. But to sleep? I can make the shit stop for a little while. Unless I have dreams about it too. Then I'm just totally shit outta luck there.

I ate too much today and now I feel like punishing myself. I'm so disconnected from myself this afternoon and evening. I spent hours just laying in bed staring at the wall. Trapped inside my head. I do that a lot when I can't handle stuff.

Anyway... I'm tryin to slowly be more active. In anyway I can find. Even if it's just walking down the road to my little Brothers house and hanging out with Krista. But I dunno. I'm just. Somedays I'm just unable to do anything. And I hate that. It makes me mad at myself.

I have therapy on Wednesday... I need it. We cancelled my last appointment. So it's been a particularly long time since Ive had any therapy.

I'm gonna cut this short because Stan is home and I feel like I'm ignoring him. Lol

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Hello from Kentucky

The funeral was yesterday and I feel like an ass because I was severely sick and couldn't stay in the service or go to the graveside.
I don't know if I got a stomach virus or the flu or food poison ( for the second time in the past few months). I ate Chinese food on Friday for lunch for The first time in a long time and I woke up Saturday and puked it up. My body didn't even try to digest it.

My husband and his family has been extremely kind and not mad at me for getting sick at the funeral. I have tried to be nice and comfort Stan's mother and grandma.
We were supposed to go home today but I was feeling really really bad when we woke up this morning. I slept until 2 pm. Cold and hot. Nightmares. Just really.... Not good. But it was better than yesterday... Because yesterday I honestly didn't know if I was gonna make it. Like if we were at home I might have asked to go to the doctor. It was that bad. I just tried not to let anybody know it was that bad. I mean I know everybody could tell I was sick but I was even worse than I was acting.
I'm so dehydrated today that I have only used the bathroom one time. My lips are chapped rally bad and my mouth is constantly dry. And I've drank a lot of Gatorade and water to try and rehydrate. But it's still not enough to help. And I'm afraid to drink anymore because I'm afraid if I get full I will vomit. I did eat today but I kind of regret it. I'm feeling sicker than I did earlier today but I also know that I had to eat something or I'd end up even more weak.
Gatorade is a life saver though.

My mother in law got me a coloring book and a book of colorable post cards I can send to people. So that was really nice. I will get to color when I get home.

It's almost 7pm ( Eastern) and I am about to start the "let's go to bed" routine. Not sure if I will but I'm gonna try.

I am updating from my phone. And just thought id mention it because I dunno how bad my typing is.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Testing out the media post

Previously the blogger app had been crashing when people attempted to make a post that Included images so I am going to make a test post

Its november!

So... This week I left the house three different times and FYI... That was ridiculously scary and exhausting and hard. like really hard. I've done a lot more walking than usual and my legs and entire body are so sore.
But I know...I have to remind myself that this will pass if I keep doing more. Granted that doing more won't be today. Haha. it's Sunday and laundry day and I'mma not about to so much of anything else.

Except for my visit my little brother down the road! Last night was his first night to stay in his new house/trailer with his wife Krista. I suppose they will sleep in but I might go down there later and see if she needs anything help unpacking. she has soooo much stuff to put away and the kicker is that her dishwasher isn't working so all those dishes and utensils and Tupperware? Gotta be hand washed.

So anyway right now I am starting to read books again. One is a collection of short stories by Mary Huggins Clark. And I am also rereading "the reef" by Nora Roberts because I loves it so much... It's about the ocean and treasure hunting and the sea.

I've started doing Sudoku puzzles again and I am tickled pink that Stan cannot do them. like hold on... Write that down. That's like one thing in a million that I can do that he can't. hahaha. Score one for me.

So today is laundry... Reading. Relaxing. Maybe visiting my brother in his new place.
Tomorrow Stan has to go back to Walmart because the pharmacy didn't have my Prozac on Saturday. They were completely out. Like wtf. That's not cool. And I think I have a therapist appointment this week.

Also Stan is also sure... Not quit sure but almost. That we will be getting a week to go to Kentucky this December. So I have something to look forward to. Other than I am not allowed to visit Stan's dad anymore. But I will stay with Mama Joy and we will have a good time because she is awesome and understands me. She is the kindest person I've ever met in my life. I feel so blessed to have her as my mother in law.

Also the Reynolds Christmas is scheduled for December 15 so that is something else I can plan on. But the big event to plan for is going to KY. I have some new pants and I gotta find my winter boots. I could have swore they we're here but I guess they are in storage because I looked and looked yesterday and I couldn't find them at all.

I have so many clothes I need to put away. especially the summer stuff...though in Alabama you never know when it might be 70 degrees again for a day so lol it's kind of like spring and summer never end here.

Side note: I am updating my blog from my cell phone the past two times. I changed my keyboard app and it seems to be so much better for me. The one I had before was nice because it remember all my custom words and hashtags. But the layout was so bad that I hit the period key every time I mean to hit the space bar. However this keyboard is much better so long story short... I can blog on the go without having to dig out my or carry my old Chromebook (which needs replacing. It's in almost mint condition but it's just such an old model that Google isn't updating the OS anymore) so I can blog on trips...In the car. Which will be fun I think. Haha

Ok... This post has been way longer than I intended but that's all for now.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

I decided today that I would do more

Do. More.
Housework. Socializing. Arts and crafts. Laundry. Cleaning. Helping my brother and sister in law move into their new place.
I want to do more.
And today I got up. Did a few of the first things on my list I made.... Then had one of the worst panic attacks in my life. Like. I could not breathe. I was literally gasping for air. And trying to talk and crying. I got really nauseated and ran to the bathroom to vomit. It was so sudden. I wasn't even remotely prepared. I usually dont actually vomit when I have panic attacks... I just feel nauseated. But today it was  blown all out done and done.

I'm having some personal self esteem issues regarding my duties as a house wife... As I have been severely depressed for the past few months. And then had a wedding to plan and be in... The bedroom is a disaster. And I knew a time would come that I'd have to clean up from when I was too depressed to get out of bed.... But it just hit me today so hard all at once.
And now I realize... Now. That I dont have to do it all at once. I can break it down. Take breaks between things.

I mean... I get so anxious about doing the tiniest things that most people dont even think about. So when a big thing comes up it's like a full on attack to my mental and physical well being. (because anxiety and panic involve the body responding to danger... Fight or flight etc)

I just... I don't even know.
I did a lot of stuff and it's not even noon and I didnt really sleep last night. And I had a panic attack so... I guess I will lay here and stare at pinterest for a while.
Maybe this afternoon I will "do more" than I did this morning

Saturday, October 20, 2018

ITS BEEN ONE WEEK

ONE WEEK SINCE MY LITTLE BROTHER GOT MARRIED
Now he's officially a man. lol
and his wife is the best person ever. like I am so excited to have a sister.

her wedding was the first time i have ever been in a wedding. and its only the second wedding i've ever been to in my life. I tried to help Krista get ready but I ended up giving the eye make up and lacing up of the dress to the other brides maid. she was really good at make up and didn't make krista look like a whore(which is what i was afraid i was gonna do. I DID do kristas foundation and powder and it turned out really good. ) we all had a field day trying to get krista's bra right for her dress. haha. Strapless bras are so weird and complicated... especially when she'd never wore one before.
Her dress was amazing and wonderful and I am so happy she got such a lovely dress.
My little brother shaved for the wedding and he looked so handsome nice and cleaned up.

it was so nerve wracking and i wasn't even the center of attention! I met the others brides maid the day of the wedding and she is so cool and we all want to hang out once gordon and krista get their trailer put together and move in.

they are so close to being moved into their trailer. they can almost taste it lol

today is the big Tennessee Alabama game and this week has been full of "HATE WEEK" stuff on facebook so Ive kind of just been ignoring most of the people posting on there because I dont really get into that stuff. I mean I like alabama football. just not THAT much

On wednesday I had two appointments at the mental health place--- we didnt even know we had the 8:50 one until the we got there, and thankfully we got there early enough to do it. So we got my  ativan prescription fixed up and i FINALLY have my meds right for the first time in like two months
My therapist was ok-- he had been in the hospital and is still sick but he is working anyway. He had this IV lines still in when I saw him wednesday. they dont wanna take them out because they would just have to restick him every few days. I aked him about how he was doing and he seemed so gratefully that I even thought to ask. it was sweet.

I know I am not updating that much and its because I dont get on my computer that often because its barely working for a lot of things. like i can't go on facebook because it crashes lol
but thankfully the most important things still work. like blogger.
i could update blogger on my phone but i have a really hard time typing on my phone. like i am so bad at touch screen keyboards its pathetic.

anyways..... uh. its saturday. i need to help my brother and them with the trailer but i really dont wanna  its raining and we can't track any mud into the trailer and that just makes the whole ordeal tedious.

anyways. happy football day. lmao
i'm gonna go do word search puzzles and watch greys anatomy on my phone. i finished the entire thing on netflix AGAIN and now i'm starting it over AGAIN
"TRUST ME I WATCH GREYS ANATOMY IM PRACTICALLY A SURGEON"

Another one bites the dust

My poor Chromebook seems to have given up the ghost. It is fully charged and won't turn on. Bless it's heart. I'm glad I had bee...