Tuesday, May 22, 2018

soooo... this is a busy week

this week we are cleaning up the house because on SATURDAY we are having a crawfish boil here at the house.

Lots of cleaning to do!!!!


Also today my dad drove my husband to the airport. i went with them so i could see him off because you never know when you fly it could be the last time... i know thats morbid but idk. he went with the news team to get a really cool award. like apparently this is a huge deal. I am very excited for him and the station and proud too.
we got stuck in a construction road work area for almost 30 minutes while taking Stan to the airport... that was really really unnerving. very not cool. but we made it and he got there and arrived safely and i just talked to him and he is ok. and celebrating or what not. hahaha.

We had a really big scare with some billing that the oral surgeon sent out but apparently its... i dont know how to explain it but its not the real bill we have to pay. thank God. I was so upset. I was so upset I couldn't even cry hardly. like... I was mad at myself for needing surgery and I still am and I know I dont deserve it. But My husband loves me and.... ok I'm gonna cry now I can't think about this.

long story short-- the bill was not legit and we will pay less.


we have to clean up the house a bit more before the weekend

also refill my meds

i'm trying to get everybody who plays an instrument to bring theirs so we can have a jam session
but i dont think that is gonna happen lol

I have something I wanna do for Stan's birthday but its probably gonna get done after his actual birthday
but it will be so very cool.
and yeah.

I also made him a new tigers eye bracelet


so basically
lots of cleaning
stan in washington DC for two days
refill meds
cleaning
CRAWFISH BOIL

BIRTHDAY

that's the rest of May... save for my next psychologist/therapist appointment on the 31st.
we are working on my self-esteem and re programming my thinking. its hard and idk how much progress i am making... but i am journaling and trying and i hope i can work things out.



Monday, May 14, 2018

monday isnt even over

and i'm ready for the weekend.
i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet practice to do and i can't do it until weeks from wednesday. no good, guys.

my psychologist appointment was great today. he was chatty and we had a few laughs. but we made some goals and talked about self esteem and self worth. to think i am worth taking care of myself and stuff. I also have to start a second journal to work on some writing prompts with getting my thinking pattern on situations changed.
i'm really gonna try.
atleast he understands the impact of my nana's death on my mental state right now.
he isn't nagging me about getting over the mourning.
which i appreciate, especially from a psychologist.

so after wednesday i wont be able to eat hard solid food. or chewy. or idk. i have no idea what i will be able to eat after my tooth extractions heal. maybe nothing at all.
if i lose weight i will be so happy. so so happy. its like a secret happy thing for me.
i'll be forced to eat less. if at all? yeah

i dont know if i can eat for the crawfish boil but thats ok too



one random note today: i drank a diet coke! i never do that! lol

stan was nice enough to get me IHOP today so i had pancakes... having "last meals" hahah

i love my husband. he has been sick lately with sinus allergy stuff and he wont go to the doctor.... i wish he would. i know its just sinus but it might make it better faster? he cant afford to be sick with his work.

i hope he feels better soon.
i will be a baby after surgery so i dont wanna make him stressed out more with his being sick while i'm a weakling.

i guess i'm gonna play some pokemon now

i practiced clarinet already today.
i will do it tomorrow
after that i dont think i will be able to do it for weeks. or a month. or two idek.


i love my husband.... he makes me laugh and keeps me taken care of and i hope i can take care of him too. i'm trying. i'm really trying.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

this week so far

so for most of the weekend and first of the week we had no internet here at the house lololol
we LIVE IN THE WOODSSSSS

ahhhh



on wedensday i had an oral surgeon consultation appointment where we talked and looked over what we were gonna do when we take my teeth out
it was terrifying but apparently... the insurance i have because of stan is very good and i will be able to get implants so i can eat..... later this year.... one thing at a time
gotta get 4 teeth pulled first

ugh

i feel so horrible because i didn't take care of my teeth
and i get mad because i know other people who dont and their teeth arent falling out so its like.... wtf... not fair... it must be genetics i dunno



also on wednesday we went to the last concert my highschool band director is going to direct. he is retiring
or has retired
as of last night
it was amazing and he had the beginning band and middle band and the highschool band all play and then he had people from his past teaching experiences play with the group and it was just amazing

i need to play clarinet more and especially the next few days because after i get my teeth out i dunno how long it will be until i can play again


so next wednesday i am getting my teeth out.


but on next monday i have to see the psychologist
and i dont even know what to expect from that seriously like i've never done this before i've had therapist but not psychologist


i just feel grateful every day that stan is in my life and helping me and im trying to take care of him the best i can

i know you read this and i am sorry for any and alll things that you may have seen or heard or read
but there is nothing i can do about it now, its in the past.

i am trying to be better
a better person
and that's all i can do

Friday, May 4, 2018

today i filled in some holes lol

in the YARD

our dogs love to dig holes in the yard--- i think they are after moles or something under ground

and these holes fill up with leaves and you can tell they are holes and this is dangerous for my husband!!!!!

and other people too... but really dangerous for him

so i am taking my booty outside and shovelling some dirtt today haha

tomorrow we are going to see the INFINITY WAR movie... FINALLLLLLLYYYYY.

I am so excited, we are going early so i need to make sure i shower tonight because I dont wanna have to get up at 5am and start gettng ready... the showing is at 11 and yall know i take forever to get ready for stuff.

my kitty just came and loved on me a lot so i need to go pay attention to her

I just thought i would give an update.

I gotta start cleaning up the house for the crawfish bowl here in a few weeks!!! omggg

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Your intermediate update

So... since the last update. I did NOT do the NEDA walk. it was storming and pouring rain and I was pretty sure that's now a good combo for a walk thing. I don't know if they cancelled it but if they didn't they should have because it was really really stormy

My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?

I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat  at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)

we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"




the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)

I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more

these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff










reguarding the nana thing
 I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah

like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.

like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.

I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
like
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief

anyways

we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend

my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th

and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.

sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing

and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!

I am really sad right now.

I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.








RIP Nana





Wednesday, April 18, 2018

its april 18

on the 22 i will be walking in a NEDA awareness walk... i raised 25 dollar thanks to my mother in law
<3
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol

just kidding

on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am

after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself


and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war


woooooooohooooooooo


so freaking excited for this movie!!!!


we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked


so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday

i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall


i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it

Saturday, April 7, 2018

happy birthday to me

so on my birthday i got up and went to hobby lobby with my mom

and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff

and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit

and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!

then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES


after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!
I HAVE BEEN WANTING THIS FOR YEARS


then we went to the mall and I bought two pieces of jewelry from the asian jewelry store and i'm taking them apart and making stuff out of them


then we went to the vape shop and talked to somebody gordon is friends with and explain to him that we are for real brother and sister because he didnt believe it when he saw us separately.



then we went home and i played pokemon until i got ready
and mom took me to the restaurant where stan and i had dinner at the place where we had our first date

and i ate soooo much chicken cheese mushroom and onion quesedilla

and he gave me a love letter he wrote to me
and i read it and cried
and he is so amazing
and i love him
and he is amazing
and i love him
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him


soooo... this is a busy week

this week we are cleaning up the house because on SATURDAY we are having a crawfish boil here at the house. Lots of cleaning to do!!!! ...