Monday, May 14, 2018
i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet practice to do and i can't do it until weeks from wednesday. no good, guys.
my psychologist appointment was great today. he was chatty and we had a few laughs. but we made some goals and talked about self esteem and self worth. to think i am worth taking care of myself and stuff. I also have to start a second journal to work on some writing prompts with getting my thinking pattern on situations changed.
i'm really gonna try.
atleast he understands the impact of my nana's death on my mental state right now.
he isn't nagging me about getting over the mourning.
which i appreciate, especially from a psychologist.
so after wednesday i wont be able to eat hard solid food. or chewy. or idk. i have no idea what i will be able to eat after my tooth extractions heal. maybe nothing at all.
if i lose weight i will be so happy. so so happy. its like a secret happy thing for me.
i'll be forced to eat less. if at all? yeah
i dont know if i can eat for the crawfish boil but thats ok too
one random note today: i drank a diet coke! i never do that! lol
stan was nice enough to get me IHOP today so i had pancakes... having "last meals" hahah
i love my husband. he has been sick lately with sinus allergy stuff and he wont go to the doctor.... i wish he would. i know its just sinus but it might make it better faster? he cant afford to be sick with his work.
i hope he feels better soon.
i will be a baby after surgery so i dont wanna make him stressed out more with his being sick while i'm a weakling.
i guess i'm gonna play some pokemon now
i practiced clarinet already today.
i will do it tomorrow
after that i dont think i will be able to do it for weeks. or a month. or two idek.
i love my husband.... he makes me laugh and keeps me taken care of and i hope i can take care of him too. i'm trying. i'm really trying.
Thursday, May 10, 2018
we LIVE IN THE WOODSSSSS
on wedensday i had an oral surgeon consultation appointment where we talked and looked over what we were gonna do when we take my teeth out
it was terrifying but apparently... the insurance i have because of stan is very good and i will be able to get implants so i can eat..... later this year.... one thing at a time
gotta get 4 teeth pulled first
i feel so horrible because i didn't take care of my teeth
and i get mad because i know other people who dont and their teeth arent falling out so its like.... wtf... not fair... it must be genetics i dunno
also on wednesday we went to the last concert my highschool band director is going to direct. he is retiring
or has retired
as of last night
it was amazing and he had the beginning band and middle band and the highschool band all play and then he had people from his past teaching experiences play with the group and it was just amazing
i need to play clarinet more and especially the next few days because after i get my teeth out i dunno how long it will be until i can play again
so next wednesday i am getting my teeth out.
but on next monday i have to see the psychologist
and i dont even know what to expect from that seriously like i've never done this before i've had therapist but not psychologist
i just feel grateful every day that stan is in my life and helping me and im trying to take care of him the best i can
i know you read this and i am sorry for any and alll things that you may have seen or heard or read
but there is nothing i can do about it now, its in the past.
i am trying to be better
a better person
and that's all i can do
Friday, May 4, 2018
our dogs love to dig holes in the yard--- i think they are after moles or something under ground
and these holes fill up with leaves and you can tell they are holes and this is dangerous for my husband!!!!!
and other people too... but really dangerous for him
so i am taking my booty outside and shovelling some dirtt today haha
tomorrow we are going to see the INFINITY WAR movie... FINALLLLLLLYYYYY.
I am so excited, we are going early so i need to make sure i shower tonight because I dont wanna have to get up at 5am and start gettng ready... the showing is at 11 and yall know i take forever to get ready for stuff.
my kitty just came and loved on me a lot so i need to go pay attention to her
I just thought i would give an update.
I gotta start cleaning up the house for the crawfish bowl here in a few weeks!!! omggg
Sunday, April 29, 2018
My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?
I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)
we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"
the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)
I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more
these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff
reguarding the nana thing
I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah
like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.
like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.
I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief
we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend
my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th
and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.
sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing
and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!
I am really sad right now.
I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol
on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am
after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself
and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war
so freaking excited for this movie!!!!
we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked
so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday
i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall
i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it3>
Saturday, April 7, 2018
and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff
and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit
and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!
then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES
after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!
Friday, March 30, 2018
My Meds have been adjusted to "sleepy 24/7" levels but I'm Not manic anymore.
I'm not even sure how I Feel about it.
I'm trying to be more creative, in general, in life. and also more attentive to my social Media
This blog included.
I thought I would use the voice to text feature but the little microphone isn't here so. Idek wtf.
Destined to Fail at touchscreen typing for the rest of my days.
We gotta color Easter eggs today or Tomorrow
Stan and I are going to church on Sunday and I'm wearing my old school Granny dress that looks Like it's from the 1950s and I'm Pretty sure it issss from the 50s
So that's cool as hell
I really hope Easter service isn't too long.
Also. Strangely Enough it was Stans idea to go to church. So that was interesting to me.
I Woke up at 2 or 3 Back to Sleep at 4. Up at 6. I have to tend to the doggies all night when mom and dad aren't here.
Next week is mine and Stan's 4 years of dating anniversary. And my 32 birthday.
On April 17th I'm getting more teeth pulled. And after that I won't be able to eat solid food. Probably ever again....
And on April 19th I Have psychiatrist and psychologist appointments back to back. Literally.
On April 27-29th we are busy with 3 different things.
April is Gonna be a pretty busy month all in all.
and i'm ready for the weekend. i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet pra...
Today was my appointment to get my meds rewrite and the lady and I were talking so much that she forgot to give me my Rx and I didn't ev...
so the weekend get away was great. we gave decided to do that more often. it was really good for us. mentally and emotionally and as a coupl...
So... The festival was yesterday. And we had bad luck with the shepards hill place again. I tried it last year and didn't sell anything....