Tuesday, October 2, 2018

vacation was awesome

I had so much fun on vacation.
and on the way back i ate something that made me sick as hell. i am not over it yet-- food poisoning i guess.
tomorrow we have to go to my psych appointment to get my meds refilled and hopefully my doctor can find a loophole to get my anxiety medication fixed because if not i'm gonna be out of meds very soon and i have to make it almost a month without meds.
We are just really upset about it.

I'm sore from vomiting and today my head finally doesn't hurt

but I still feel nauseated as hell and I just tried to eat and it feels like shit

i've been obsessed with coloring in my adult stress relieving coloring books and also watching Greys Anatomy (still rewatching old seasons) and also King of the Hill (because it reminds me of my family haha)

uh anyway im gonna go lay down and rest or color. or maybe both in some order or another.

My brother is getting married on October 13th and I'm the matron of honor. =)
Its nice to have a sister type person to share things with. I love Krista so much.

I have got my dress and I hope it looks ok. I'm scared I've gained weight since I got it because I ate on vacation and I'm scared it wont look good.
I got my hair cut off really short and it looks really good and I'm happy about that.

Anyway I really reallly felt like I was dying yesterday. I tried to eat a yogurt and vomited everywhere. it was so horrible.

sigh anyway. will update again sometime soon.

I have to attend a bridal shower and the rehearsal this week i think? i really need to update my planner I have no idea whats happening because I haven't written anything down.

Friday, September 14, 2018

all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out of this depressive episode i have been in for all of august and some of september.
so now i gotta get back into the swing of living and my anxiety is really kicking my ass. making it hard to do just about everything i try to do.
Leaving the house by myself is a BIG deal. like. an event worth celebrating.
I'm find if Stan takes me places and drives me and he is with me. but I have not tried going anywhere with anyone else to see if I would be ok doing that.

My little brother is very close to moving into his trailer with his soon to be wife (they're getting married oct 13) and its very exciting and also happening very fast and  driving my mom crazy because she has to help him with setting up everything because he has no idea what all needs to be done to get a trailer set up out here in the woods (and to be honest i dont either its really complicated!)

aaaaand lets see. on monday the 24th I have a psychologist appointment (therapy)
and on tuesday the 25 we are going to the beach again for our anniversary (though our anniversary was back on sept 9... stan's job hasn't let him get off work until the end of the the month)
I am excited to go to the beach. Nana would have wanted to go and I am going to go for her. I miss her every day and It's still a very strong pain but I have found a way to push it to the back of my mind because if I focus on it I will never get better

I'm trying to start coloring in those adult coloring books again. its nice and relaxing.
I'm also trying to sit in the livingroom. especially right now while this hurricane footage is streaming live on the weather channel (i am a weather nerd)

I'm still journaling and stuff. not really playing video game right now. I'm still watching greys anatomy i dont think that will ever change. lol. Stan has gotten me started on watching the show Shameless (i love it a lot but I need a lot of mental attention to watch it and catch all the stuff that happens. its very fast paced)

hopefully in a few weeks we can get together with Alex and Sagen for a football game day party of some kind. we need to do that atleast once this fall.

and I gotta get a dress for Gordon and Krista's wedding on Oct 13. it needs to be a shade of purple so that is the hardest thing. almost all the dresses out in the stores right now are that really deep plum color and that is not the purple she was wanting but she says its ok, so atleast she is being reasonable and not all Bridezilla on us. haha

ok i'm gonna go color and eat some yogurt

tomorrow stan is meeting his dad and step mom for dinner and i am very happy he is getting the chance to see them. i know i am not welcome but that is ok. this is my fault and i am dealing with the feelings it gives me. its my fault, so that's all that can be said. i hope they have a good time.
because we aren't sure we will be able to get to KY for christmas this year (stan's job is making it hard for him to get time off)

anyway. my yogurt awaits me (its blueberry incase anybody is wondering lol)

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Today has been a year since Nana died

And I am not anymore over it than I was. I am still grieving. A lot. I am still angry. I still feel like she was stolen from me.

I have therapy tomorrow. My psychologist is trying to help me but I just can't... I can't do much right now because I am so depressed.

We got my antidepressant increased and we are hoping that will help. it still need another week to set in I think.

I am not eating much lately. I'm not losing weight because I am too depressed to get up and do stuff, but I really dont care too much I just have no appetite. Food is not appealing to me. All I eat is popcorn and animal crackers and tuna and wheat thins. I eat an egg white omelette at IHOP when stan takes me to the doctor every two weeks.

I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot. I started it over from the beginning because I love it so much.

I spend most of my days lately staring at the wall thinking about Nana.

I think this might be the worst depressive episode I've had in my entire life so far. I am better than I was. a lot better. but I am not ok. I am really not ok. But as bad as I am not-- I was so much worse a few weeks ago. I was not even functioning. I probably should have been in a psych hospital for stabilization but I have a lot of support here at home so I was ok.

so my days are full of nothing. empty. i feel empty. nothing i usually do gives me joy. i try to play video games or color in my really awesome adult coloring books or journal or collage or... anything. and nothing makes me happy. nothing gives me joy. everything is empty and pointless. i just want stan to stay home and curl up in bed with me all day. i want stan and cuddle in bed. nothing else makes me feel ok.

At the end of september stan is taking me to the beach and that is something that i am trying to get excited about. but i am fat and that makes me sad about it... but i want to be happy about it. Nana loved the beach she always wanted to go. and she would want me to go. and be happy. so I'm gonna go. (pending our reservations) and i'm gonna be fat and have fun anyway. and eat fried seafood. and collect sea shells. maybe play mini golf.

I wanna post more but it would just be sad stuff and I dont need to focus on that. I can write that out in my private journal anyway,

I hope everyone. or the one person. who read this is very well and having a good late summer/early fall

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Saturday 7/21/2018

So today has been bad for me. Personally. I just woke up bad, I guess.
I got up just before 7am and it didn't storm last night like they predicted so that was disappointing (i love storms, i know its horrible but I do)
My mother needed a shower and said she would get one and then didn't so I sat around and didn't know and I should've taken mine earlier while she was claiming to get one-- so long story short-- it felt like, to me, that we were pressed for time. and that upset me because being late or almost late causes me to have a lot of anxiety.

I had to try on clothes and that upset me a lot.  A LOT

Atleast we got my prescriptions for meds dropped off today and not monday or tues

My eye exam was at 11am and we got there early and filled out forms and the forms were ridiculous. I've come to the conclusion that they always are. I write way too big for the forms to fit our address and all that nonsense
I picked out eye glasses frames that are almost identical in color and shape to the ones I have now, so I dont have a lot of change going on. which is good. i dont wanna do a drastically different look. i am pretty content with neutral colored frames

At the very end of the exam process my back started to hurt worse than it had ever previously hurt so far as I can remember. I was pretty much crying. It hurt so bad I was nauseated. I felt like I was going to be sick.

My back pain backed off right before we left walmart and the change in painlevel was so drastic that it almost felt euphoric. like the relief was so amazing i felt happy happy about it. and i have no idea why it suddenly got better. I wish i knew so i could reproduce that thing when it hurt so bad heh

we got food on the way home and now we are relaxing

Stan did his best to tolerate my nasty attitude today and I am grateful. when i get anxious and upset about myself I get angry towards everyone and that is something I need to work on because they dont deserve to suffer when i feel bad about myself. that makes me a bad person.f

I'm going to try and eat my lunch now and hopefully be not so horrible.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Tuesday Morning ( like.. 2am morning)

SOO hi
yesterday was ok. save for some bad luck on Stan's end. (will explain later)

I got up at 5 am and got a shower and left around 6:30 am for Walmart. I forgot my makeup bag and stand was my hero and brought it with him when he came to pick me up at walmart. We left my car there like we always do, and went to birmingham.

I made stan go in with me on my psychiatrist appointment, to reinforce my side effects from Rexulti and why we stopped it without telling him. And he was ok with our deccision on that, and marked me as allergic to that medication. The doctor has decided to just leave off my fourth medication for now, and let me see how I handle things. Since I seem to be having complications with everything he's given me, and the weight gain I've experienced is surreal.
I did, by the way, get some praise from both my Psychiatrist and Psychologist on my socializing at home more. I have been spending a lot of time in the livingroom interacting with my family, rather than hiding in the bedroom all day. And it really is a big step for me. Though I'm still not leaving the house hardly at all. like. AT ALL.
But hopefully I will keep progressing.

After the appointment we went to IHOP like we traditionally do and I had the best omelette ever (my stomach was being weird, well no my stomach my esophagus. so it was hard to enjoy it but it was the best, really)
on the way back Stan started to feel feverish which is bad because I've been sneezing and headache and coughing and feeling under the weather myself. AND Stan can't get sick because of work, so I feel bad if he caught whatever I have.

He dropped me off at walmart at my car, I bought two things, and went home.

And once he got to work, he found out he had to stay extra late because Trump went all weird and lovey dovey with Putin.

When I got home myself My dad was just finishing up the cabinet he was working on (i even held the back on a little while he staple gunned the back on well they're nails but look like staples? IDK)
so that project is finished. But his truck had broken down earlier that day-- so he immediately had another thing to work on. But its ok, he seems to have fixed it and made double sure it doesn't happen again anytime soon (a hose leak)

And anyway, I went to sleep around a normal time. but i woke up at 1am so I am in the livingroom so I dont keep stan awake with my nonse noise and moving around all night.

And that was monday.

Sunday, July 15, 2018

random photo post

halfway done with my book for therapy! 

look at my baby girl! she's a princess (and she sheds reallllllllly bad)

this is my dad's current woodshop project~!

Friday, July 13, 2018

I apologize for my last update

I was in a really bad mood and should have put of updating until now/

I'm on chapter nine of my book for my psychologist. but it has 23 chapters. HOWEVER the chapters are really short and easy to handle because of the way its written so i think i might actually finish most of it by monday at 9am (IF I READ INT HE CAR ON THE WAY HAHA)

that being said, i haven't played video games AT ALL today
which is kind of... i dunno. weird?

i did the dishes today and hurt my back some more so i haven't done anything but lay here and read since then, though i do have to say that because i took super strong ibuprofen my back DID hurt less what I did stuff. I just dont want to have to take it every day. my blood is already thinned out by my psych meds, and it takes a while for me to stop bleeding

we are having pizza tonight and i have asked for something that has no tomato sauce stuff because i have constant heartburn pretty much and that makes it SO MUCH WORSE
you know, despite being delicious i just... i can't eat it hardly at all

I hope it rains
but not a ton

I'm gonna play games or read until Stan gets home


vacation was awesome

I had so much fun on vacation. and on the way back i ate something that made me sick as hell. i am not over it yet-- food poisoning i guess...