Sunday, February 11, 2018

Description of my anxiety disorder.


I have moments that I feel ok. Maybe. and then I remember everything that has happened . Is happening . Will happen soon and I get… I just can’t.. I don’t know.

The mask I wear can only stay up for so long before it starts to break.

I have to have days off from living life and social stuff and….

Every. Single. Thing. Makes. Me. Anxious. I can’t. Turn. It off or down a notch.

It’s like music.. Background music playing all the time…. And some unknown being out there holds the remote volume control. And they change it all. The. Time.

Sometimes it’s loud. Really loud.. cannot think at all. cannot do anything until it stops.

And sometimes it’s so soft I almost forget it’s there. But I get anxious about this peaceful feeling because I know....
I KNOW  IT comes back. And in waves. And bad. Off and on all day.

And then there’s the actual acute anxiety attacks that just…. Its like the music is at full blast and I have no hands with which to cover my ears. I cannot make it stop. I have to try and not lose my mind until it goes back softer…

And then when a lot of stuff happens in my life.. back to back. I end up absolutely batshit crazy at the end of everything when it's petered out... and I cannot function. I have to crash. For a day. Or days. Like. I have to detoxify myself from the bad thoughts/feels I had to endure/keep to myself for days because there WAS no buffer time between things happening to sort it all out. And tbh, we are even lucky if I make it through everything in the first damn place.

I’m sorry about posting this..... I’m not well. Physically and mentally. Right now. And I haven’t slept tonight and it's 8am.

but really::: I had been searching for a good way to describe my anxiety….. Because I have generalized&social anxiety. Also OCD. (which is an anxiety disorder actually, if you did not know)

I get anxious about tiny little things That other people don’t even think about. Like ridiculous things. I get anxious over taking a shower. Putting on make up. Laundry. Dishes. House cleaning. PHONE CALLS AND ANSWERING THE PHONE LIKE SERIOUSLY I CANNOT DO IT. (i suck it up and sob through calling doctors trying to get appointments for mental health care... Because I have to... But if my phone rings and I so don't know the number??? Oh hell no. No way. No how. I. Don't care who. It could be I do not do it. Voicemail. Please leave me a voicemail if you call me. I probably do want to talk to you but I am scared to answer the phone!)

. I shake the whole time I do my makeup. Get dressed. So most anything..... Like seriously.... I shake. All. The. Time.
I am not exaggerating this- my husband, Stan, sees it. And it's actually happening. I'm not psyching myself out and imagining it... I tremble with anxiety almost every second I am awake and focused on anything. Because I start thinking. And thinking automatically goes to "what ifs"...

Hell I get anxious JUST LEAVING MY BEDROOM. because who knows what is outside that door. I sure don't.

I don’t know why. It just happens and I sit here unable to do the things I need to do. Like.. I’m talking about general everyday basic self care and house work stuff. Like I get so Worked up about what if this or that happens?

What if the other thing happens?

What if they both happen at once?

What if neither of them happen at all and I am just a fool?

Now let’s get really fun with this. Add the social aspect.

What if someone you personally know saw the thing happen? What if they thought it was bad and your fault? What if they blame you? What if they get confused entirely and imagine the worst possible thing….. (Like I do here?)

Or…. What if it’s a stranger who doesn’t know you at all? What would they assume? Idk. Maybe this. Maybe that.. Maybe a little of this and that.

And they have no basis for their assumptions and you have no control over it AT ALL.
THEY ARE MAKING OPINIONS OF YOU. PROBABLY BAD ONES. AND YOU CANT EVEN EXPLAIN YOURSELF. NOR DO THEY KNOW YOU EVEN JUST A LITTLE BIT TO KNOW THAT YOU Are most likely harmless or innocent of whatever it might have been in this theoretical…. Cluster fuck of anxiety I’m trying to some how detangle So MAYBE people in the world can understand people like me a little better???

I really really really hope someone– atleast one person– Who reads this is comforted to know that they are not alone. I’m trying to find different  ways to explain to the “normal” people what it’s like….

And if I am putting your feels into words in a way that helps you, please feel free to use this example With the background music thing. I know I'm not the first person to think of it. I can't be.

This was my first try at this…. I hope I have not upset or offended anyone by posting this here. I just wanted to express myself. And try and find ways that maybe people who struggle.. Like me.. Can all use to describe what we experience… To the people who know and love us… And don’t understand exactly what is going on. 😔😔😔


Thursday, February 8, 2018

more waiting and waiting..

so i had a back up appointment on thursday feb 1st with indian rivers and i was sick.. like idek what was wrong. but i was not ok.

so i rescheduled for feb 13.
so i have to take my lamictal once a day instead of two which really doesnt do anything honestly.

i am starting to think the meds they have me on arent doing anything at all.

i dont even think my prozac is helping my depression
they keep saying bipolar depression is different
well, i'd like to know it is different. how. tell me,

is it simply that treating it with antidepressants causes mania? well just address that when it happens atleast let us bipolar depressed people drag ourselves out of the gutter trash on the side of the road before you slam us down with a mood stabilizer which... by all intents and purposes.. makes you dull, slower, and FAT. i am already fat, if they make me gain weight with medicine i will lose my god damn mind.
i need to make sure these new people. WHENEVER I GET TO SEE THEM... know that

but yeah, i am self medicating right now because i cannot get out of bed if i dont... i cannot do it. there is nothing .
i have nothing
i get up because i want to see stan off to work and i see him when he gets home but i'm not lovely lovely lovely.

and then he goes to sleep

nothing else is going on... he is the highlight of my day. he is the only thing i have other than lilly. and my online stuff i do to try and stay sane. and pokemon. and my planner
i dont have anything else.

and i know the self medicating only lasts for a day or two but thats a day or two out of bed talking to people like a normal person. breathing fresh air. walking. instead of laying.
so fuck it man

i'm not exactly sad... i'm empty
this great yawning chasm in my chest. empty.
there is nothing,
i am filling it with food.
mountains and mountains of food
 and i am getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter
and its gonna makes me hate myself more
and make me want to leave the house less and less
and make me want to see people less and less

like i have to either stop eating or commit to being fat and hate myself every single second i'm awake.. which is WHY I AM SLEEPING

i know they say exercise is all wooohoo change your life but i am not gonna run around here on the road because i am afraid and i cant go to the gym because im fat and the gym costs money and
i have never really worked out at all and i dont think i will ever actually get into it. its just.. something i have never took a liking to.

random things:

Sagen got me, by far, the best washi tape i have ever had. and i am sad i wont get to see her again for..... months? a year?

but because i'm horrible i have to deal with the consequences of being horrible.

in march we are supposed to go to KY, which is .. or should be something to look foreward to. it would be
but i am still waiting on the damn doctors to see me.
and knowing my luck they will want to see me the very exact time we are going to be in KY and i can't even... the anxiety i am feeling about this is insane.
like i wait and wait and wait.... and get told i have to wait some more...  and then told to wait some more.......
and then i have to maybe not even get an appointment until march or april???

i can't even...
like what is this shit
and i feel selfish for saying i would keep an appointment with a doctor over visiting family

like really really really really really really selfish
and i think i would probably ask if they can move it to another week/day?????? i dont know how flexible stan's work is with this and... i am free all the time so really i am THE one that has to give and make it work.

i havent blogged in a while.. and last time i did i think i did it on my phone but typing has been very very soothing to me right now i can kind of just space out and put thoughts to text without really thinking... its takes so so so so so much less effort to type on a computer than on a touch screen phone. i fucking hate the phones they make us have

anyways i am just sitting here stewing. until the 13th.
and after that i will sit here and stew until march.
and i will either have an appointment with a new psychiatrist
and a hopefully a therapist
or i will go to Kentucky
or both????
if the world doesnt fuck me over

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Trying to look forward to therapy

This is the binder trapper keeper thing I am *PLANNING ON USING* for therapy..... Whenever I finally get to have therapy.
I super glued the puffy stickers to the front of the binder. That i covered in decorative duct tape, lol.
Some of the puffy stickers have googly eyes teehee
The "dashboard" of the planner is scrapbook stickers that were gifts from people
and the kawaii stickers I bought like, two years ago. And never used for all this time but thought maybe this is a good thing to use them for.
Like I said... Not feeling very positive about this.. Whole trying to get help thing.
These mental health clinics are really really disappointing. Like. It's disheartening and making me want to give up. Nobody is answering phones. I have to leave messages on machines. And they never, ever call back. Ever.
And we call again.
And get machine again.
And they don't call back again.
So we call again.
.... And so on. So forth.
I have been keeping a log of who and where I call. When I call. If I get a person or a machine. If I left a nice message or a snarky one (because they are so so so upsetting)
Etc etc.
I have 9 pages of notes from calling people.
We started on Jan 3.
Nothing has happened all this time except for one place took my info and told me it would probably be March before they can see me.
Which is... Really upsetting but they a atleast listened to me and took notes and seemed to give a care even though they don't think they can help right now. I felt better after talking to them anyway.
I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. House cleaning and upkeep and just... Trying to get things sorted now that kami-con is over.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Jan 24 2018....

I have been neglecting this blog wayyyy too much.

So here's the run down.
We have been calling for three weeks every few days.... To two different mental health care places.
We have gotten little to no information. And ZERO returned phone calls after being told they would call us back.
I am literally disgusted with these places and I have never even been to either of them.
Hell, even if they did take me as a patient I'm not sure I could emotionally and mentally handle. It after all this shit. It's fucking traumatizing and it's fucking wrong.

I am calling today (it's Wednesday) and Stan is going to call
One of the places wont even LET stan make my appointment for me which is really really frustrating because I do not call and do these things I am scared shit less of phone calls. But nope lets make the girl with anxiety do a thing she fears doing just to even TRY and get help for before mentioned anxiety.... Just fml. That's a big fat FML.

So we are waiting.

But something good happened!
Last weekend Stan's father and stepmother came to Alabama and we had a really really amazing dinner with them Friday night.
I dressed like a lady and it made me feel better about myself. But not quite good enough... Never good enough.
I was overwhelmed with the kindness of his father and stepmother. It was so much more than ever before and I did not expect it at all.
It was completely not... Even... I had no idea. I was expecting bad vibes and feels.
It was surreal in a way.

I ate three times the amount I should have in Friday night.
And on Saturday.... Unfortunately Stan's stepmother could not have lunch or dinner with us because her reflux and sick feels. Maybe it was really really bad. Like I know how much reflux hurts, trust me... So. I am not passing judgment on her at all. I just hope I get to see her this March and I hope I am in a better place mentally.... But if I can't get a new psych doc and a therapist I don't really forsee that happening anytime soon.

I'm editing this and posting and leaving out the nonos lolol

It's Wednesday evening ...
Today we called everywhere possible and got nothing. We called the places we tried first... And the other places.  and we've been either turned down because of one thing or another.. Or just they just don't acknowledge that we even called at all.

I feel like i am fighting for my life to get this help that I need.
And in a way I am.
I really am.
But i'mma fight it. Cause I know my nana would want me to fight like hell and never give up.

And that's what I'm gonna do. Damn it. 😎😎😎😎

Friday, January 12, 2018

its midnight jan 13, 2018

I have been sick for two days or so, and I got stan sick too (i feel really bad. i dont want him to be sick... because being sick with stuff that affects his voice is very very very very very very bad for his job and i am always afraid that he is going to get on trouble because he cant do something and it will be my fault.)
anyways. its been really bad. my brother was sick first and then i got sick and then stan got sick.
we were going to go to the clinic thing but there was no way to go today (yesterday. friday)
and for what its worth the fever i had for about a day a half has went away and i feel a lot better.
my normal body temp is in the 97s. and i was up to 100.4 at one point so that was a lot for me. like just take what a normal person would get a add a degree for me and because thats what my body is doing and feeling. my base temp is not 98.6, its approx a degree lower... so when i have a temp of 98.7+ i am actually on the edge of a low grade fever and getting over 100 is bad news.

i have been coughing up green wads of hardened mucus that has apparently been coating my lungs for a while... i suspect the nasty stuff was from the time i was a while back and i never coughed it up and it just ..... stayed there? and now its hard and lumpy and looks like dark green crusty but squishy boogers. this stuff like... you know how people say "projectile vomit"? i am "projectile coughing" this stuff...for example, i didnt get my hand over my mouth in time earlier and a big glob of dark green mucus booger landed on the screen of my phone earlier.
like.... i cant make this shit up. it was so disgusting but also really really funny????
i am glad i feel better though. it seemed to have peaked today at some point. or maybe the night before last? i dont know i cant even remember how much time has passed i dont know lol

oh and yeah-----we have called the next option for my mental health care and left a message but they haven't called back. and monday is  holiday so stan is going to call on tuesday and see what has happened, if they haven't called by the time he decides to call.

and in the mean time ---  i am going to have to call the OTHER place back on tuesday..  the place I was referred to when the first place said i was too batshit.... and they told stan that he cant make my appointments for me because i'm an adult (lol i guess they dont gaf if you have severe anxiety, which is one of the things they are supposed to be treating in the first place), so i called and was nasty with them. and they told us it would be a week before they even checked if i was on his insurance. so i'm pretty sure they aren't even trying to get things done for me and i have to call and bitch at them. and i will bitch at them. and i will tell them why i am bitching at them.

we were going to try and FINALLY have a late christmas double date day with our friends alex and sagen but we got sick and now we cant do it.
so tomorrow we will lay around here aimlessly
i will start laundry a day early because we need to wash two loads this time.
and we will go to the store on sunday ... for like.. idk.. 2 or 3 things?

this NEXT weekend Stan's dad and step mom are coming down here and i am scared to death and i dont know what to do about it.
we need to have a photo of us taken and printed at walmart to put in a frame that my dad made that we are giving to them... because the photo he picked out and showed me.... well lets just say i wanted to jump in front of a bus when i saw what i looked like.
i cant even.... knowing that that is how people see me when i go places? i cant handle that. at all. i dont want to go anywhere. people are looking at me and that is what the see and i cant stop it and i cant handle it and i makes me want to vomit and slice my fatty skin off. because i also got on the scale today and my weight was really high and i lost. my. fucking. mind. like.... lost it.

like i wanted to hurt myself
im just not gonna eat for a while
not really
i dont know
fuck life
i will eat my frozen yogurt and pudding and animal crackers and pretzels and idk
i just cant.... i dont know..

i have to find a way to get a good picture with stan before next friday and i also have to lose 10 lbs
neither are going to happen and i literally feel like shutting down. stop living. not get out of bed. call in sick on life for the next week
and after this is Kami-con and I am going to be a fat ass piece of shit and hate myself the whole time but i am going to go anyway and i just have to do it. i probably wont even have fun. i dont know why i wanted to go. i thought people i know would be going but nobody is and now and there is nothing to do there but try and pokemon battle.
there's vendors and stuff to buy but we cant even spend any money so we cant do that either.
and its a lot of walking and stan is going to be miserable and he would take his medicine for that but then he cant drive and we cant afford a hotel saturday night because its so fucking expensive and i knew it was going to be but hwsldghvaolkbgouachgouarjkfhgouah

and i am crying and want to die now so im posting this and yeah i dont care if he gets mad at me for posting it. fuck it

Friday, January 5, 2018



(edit / note: I Started this post on Wednesday.. Lol. It's Fri morning now lol)
(edit #2:  its 10am on friday and this entire entry is almost completely useless by now but i'm gonna post it anyway. but have the most recent events of whats going on right here ate the top.. i guess.)
(edit #3: i did not proof read this so im sorry for the auto correct and typos and idek, i dont care anymore about anything right now)

ok so... its friday mid morning.
 short recap- first new clinic place cannot handle my case because its too complex. we were referred to a different place- and that new new place... that place will not let stan make my appointments for me. (big flashing warning sign here-- they are supposed to be treating people with thing like anxiety.. and they are asking an new patient calling in to do sometimes that causes severe anxiety for a lot of people. like wtf is that... that is not even. they are reall inconsiderate and dropping the ball before the game even starts ok)

so on thursday.... i have to do the call myself and that has made me want to kill them all before i've even met them.
and so i call and get their automated answering machine a few times... eventually get a real person and leave a message and she says she will get back with me with my appointment time after they verify if the insurance info i provided is actually legit.
but they never call.
now its friday. i call in the morning and get the answering machine again. leave a very pissed off message (but did include all info they asked for)
stan called them after i did and got a person and they told him it will take a god damn WEEK or more for them to even call and merely CHECK if my name is on his insurance policy.
and then we find out from a friend that they tried to use this same clinic and have gotten treated like shit too.

so now we are fucking pissed.
piiiiiiiiiiissed. outraged. livid.
so we call back the first place (because they wanted to know how things went, because they surprisingly kind of cared???? and we are waiting to hear from them to see if they have any ideas on where else i can go???)
and so i thought about it, and i told stan that maybe we could look around for private practice psych places that accept our insurance and i will just have to handle the fact that its not full therapy in same practice/building/etc??? that i'd have to get therapy somewhere else? and just see this place for meds? and also i have to accept the fact that i will probably have to see a male doctor which upsets me but i cannot fucking even care at this point. at all.

so that is what is happening so far.. and Stan is busy as hell and has had a  horrible day at work already and its not even 11am. AND he has to go out of town to do a new story thing today.
and then we might get pizza tonight so that is even more he has to do. and tomorrow we were gonna go out but i dont know if i even want to. i dont really want to. and idk. just whatever

i was really really fucking sick last night and vomited up a stomach full of acid reflux stuff and i had hell trying to sleep and this morning i am barely awake but i have to be, because of all this nonsense. and i will probably need to start laundry today if i went to get it all done this weekend.

i am trying to stay awake... it just now 11am on friday...

the rest of this entry is from early/mid week and on... id ont even know what i said in it anymore and i dont really care right now.


So... The first half of this week has been complete chaos.
Monday was the bowl game for Alabama football shit. I don't really do the fanatic football fan thing.. So for me it was just a day of good food, because Stan made chicken nugget things..... They were crazy good. Like I wanted to eat so much but I couldn't do it lol.

Aaaaaaaand Tuesday..... Ughhh.
I got up at 6am? I don't remember now. But my appointment was at 10am.
I spent all morning panicking and stalled out a few times. I dissociated and shut down and I did the opposite (where you talk gibberish when you're nervous) .
But... Anyways.
We got there and met this lady and she told me almost immediately that my mental health case is over their heads... Because I need long term therapy and counseling and etc etc. This is a  Lifelong thing.
She did clarify a few things. I am definitely bipolar. I have OCD (i was unsure about this but apparently my planning and micro managing my life etc etc... Idek.).. And. Social anxiety... Agoraphobia. She understood the eating disorder cycle of restricting for a while and losing weight. Then the binge period and the back and forth... And never having a normal in the middle Relationship with food.
So... Idk. We talked to her because we had the appointment and I needed to have human interaction. And she at least knew and knows what I was talking about.

So anyway... We have been referred to another place that is supposed to have better long term care for people like me.
And we called them. And they can't see me until FEBRUARY. So that.... Is shitty. And there's nothing I can do about it. But wait. More. Again. Longer.

I didn't sleep the night after the Tues appointment.... And Wednesday hardly at all

And so, Hopefully but can say that I already I had another. An opportunity happointment....

I have to go to the With dreaded Indian Rivers that I have been going to for 7 years or so? Just this one last time... To get enough meds to get me through to the NEW NEW NEXT PLACE I GOTTA GO.

I did that. And... Idk. I have weird feelings about the whole thing.

I just know I have to wait long. longer.... Which is extremely upsetting. But out of our control. Which really just makes me feel even worse because I hate not having control. Over most. Stuff. Idk.

So... I am trying to plan out my January.
I need to go see my friends Julie and Jess. And I also need to see April. And I need to visit mawmaw at aunt Debra and uncle Steven's because this might be the last year we have with her.

And. I already lost one grandma... I don't know how I will handle this. I am not as close to mawmaw as I was my nana... Mawmaw has so many grandchildren (from the 7 kids she had.. They all had kids. And those kids are starting to have their own kids.... So.. Chaos!)
 it was hard to find time among everyone to get close to her. I did have a lot in common with her with arts and crafts and such.


Stan's father and step mom are going to visit us here In alabama. So that's something to plan and look ahead to. It should be the 19-21st that they are here.
We plan or are trying to plan a big group meal at some point.... with his father, step mom, my mom and dad. And us.

So there's all that.... Pretty sure I'm probably gonna be batshit crazy.

Aaaaand the NEXT WEEKEND.... is Kami-con in Birmingham at the BJCC.
Which... Kami-con has gotten huuuuuuuuge since i last went I'm 2012 (I think it was 2012..not sure)
and it was at the UA... They moved it to Birmingham and... Upped their... Everything? Lol
(Edit on 2/5) more stuff happened before I could finish and post

So this place I got referred to will not let stan call and make appointments for me. So..... Needless to say I called the damn place. I gave them my necessary info and they were supposed to call me back that same day.. But if the secretary lady is running late.... I guess I will Have  To call Tomorrow (today... Its Friday now and I am still working on this same blog post)
f this see the top and read back through idk.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Massive update. Major chaos. Idek.

I have so much to post about and not much time.
So Christmas was great. it was small and everyone got useful stuff instead of frivolous nonsense... and I had a lot of happy feelings.
It's was a genuinely good small loving family Christmas.
I had a lot a bit of trouble coping with nana not being there. The chair she would have sat in... The cookies always bake that she and I would sneak and eat all morning before the big Christmas meal.
And the cuddles on the couch and talking about stuff other people don't understand. Because we are both mentally ill.

So I got depressed and slept for three days... Except for pee and poop and food. I just couldn't be awake or functional at all.

And thennnnn I got up my MOJO and left the house on the 28th ... For the first time in I can't even remember how long 4 or 5 days. I spent about $20 of my chrimmas money.... I almost didn't go out at all but Stan pushed me (in a positive way, because it's good for me) to go.. So I did.

And then I ended up bouncing into hypomanic (Yay rapid cycling bipolar) so I didnt sleep the night before last... And i slept 3 hours last night. And I feel fine. Like. Good. To. Go. A ok. Which means I'm having an episode. Or something idk. I guess I have been rapid cycling or in mixed State for a really long time.. With intermittent depression... And mania and.... Wtf idk I just haven't had a baseline normal mood that is me in a long time. So Long that idek how it feels to be normal or who I might be when I am "normal"

And sooo anyway today we are going shopping for things we need for me and the house and such and. Monday is bowl game day, and that means foods lots of foods and idk what I will do to deal with that.
I am doing better with food than I was so that is good.

And then.
On Tuesday.
I have my first appointment with the new place I will go for therapy (if they can even handle my case with it being so complicated) and they will refer me to a psych doc for meds.
And on WEDNESDAY I have my long standing appointment with Indian Rivers.. The place I used previously for mental health treatment and will hopefully never use again... I am only going because my meds will run out in 2nd week of January and I don't think I will get a new psych doc in time... And i dont think I could handle psych med withdrawal.. Like I might lose it and have to got to hospital... I have no idea what will happen if I suddenly stop all my meds. And I don't want to find out any time soon.

So there's that... So today is booked.
Sunday is only time to prep for this stuff. Monday is alabama football chaos. Tuesday I have to go to a new place and tell a complete stranger my entire life and mental health story. In like 2 hours? Or 1 hour?
I have a composition notebook with a time line and notes... Like for real I am not joking...
And I might just hand it over to the and be all like "get some glue and fix me plz"
But I will probably have to read from it myself.
And I am gonna cry during this.... Because in general, I cry all the time. I don't know why it just happens I don't even mean to half the time. Like I have no control.... And this is a particularly difficult thing to go through.
The only reason I am going to be able to do it at all is because Stan is driving me there. Holding my hand. Reminding me to breathe deep because I get gasp short of Breath really bad and it makes me dizzy and idk just.... Stan is my everything and he is taking care of me and I don't deserve it at all.
But I have to let it happen anyway and it is really hard.
My self esteem and self worth is so low... I dont think I deserve to get help in the first place.

So... I am so very blessed to have a husband who goes beyond and above what any Normal husband would do.

Like I am the luckiest girl in the world. And I did nothing to deserve this. And I feel extreme amounts of guilt because there are so many other people in the world who are better persons than me and they can't get help and I wish I could give it to them and I can't and it makes me have a lot of feels. I'm crying right now tbh.

So anyway... I am getting Ready to Go shopping. I have to get ready early so I can handle the anxiety of getting ready and leaving house and.... Ughhh....
I just wish I could have a normal person life for ONE FREAKING DAY.
Just to see what it feels like because I have no idea.

So yeah here is the big update I have needed to make for days and days.

And now The chaos begins....