Wednesday, April 18, 2018

its april 18

on the 22 i will be walking in a NEDA awareness walk... i raised 25 dollar thanks to my mother in law
nobody else donated so shame on you all lol

just kidding

on monday i have an appointment in the early morning with my psychiatrist and then my first appointment with my psychologist (therapist) so that is exciting and i hope i can really get some kind of base set down for my therapy and figure some stuff out about why i am the way i am

after that we were going to go to a burlesque show on friday night but we decided not to because we have a festival on friday.... or i do. stan has to work. so my and Krista (future sis in law) and mom and dad will be there (dad has his own booth) and mom will help dad... so its just me and krista an i really hope we can handle it on our own =( i will cry if shit goes really bad really fast idk what to do by myself

and on next sunday we get to see the avenger Infinity war


so freaking excited for this movie!!!!

we moved my oral surgeon consult to may because.... it wasnt a good time for us and there werent even going to do anything just look at my teeth and yeah... fuck it.
we have more important things to do right now
and my teeth are fucked no matter how long we wait anyway
its just fucked

so i am having trouble sleeping at night and i am taking ambien and i am still not sleeping or i take it and i sleep all night and then the next day too
i cant figure out what is making the difference between the two different reactions i'm having other than maybe my food intake and what is in my belly when i take the medicine???? i will have to talk to my psychiatrist about that on monday

i need to cut this short today because i have a million projects on my mind and no time to do them lololol manic episodes are sooooooo much fun yall

i love everyone i know no one read this blog but i want to say it anyway just in case someone does read it

Saturday, April 7, 2018

happy birthday to me

so on my birthday i got up and went to hobby lobby with my mom

and got stuff.
i got washi tape
and a planner thing
and supplies to make stuff

and then we went to mcdonalds because i was starving and lololol i got a egg biscuit

and then we went to the place where people get their drivers license and i got my license renewed and my name changed to Ingold!!!

then we went to the IHOP and I got ALLLLLLL THE PANCAKES

after that i went with my lilbro and his fiancee, Krista, and we went to Gamestop and I used the left over money from the driver license office payment and bought Ocarina of Time for the nintendo 3ds!!!!

then we went to the mall and I bought two pieces of jewelry from the asian jewelry store and i'm taking them apart and making stuff out of them

then we went to the vape shop and talked to somebody gordon is friends with and explain to him that we are for real brother and sister because he didnt believe it when he saw us separately.

then we went home and i played pokemon until i got ready
and mom took me to the restaurant where stan and i had dinner at the place where we had our first date

and i ate soooo much chicken cheese mushroom and onion quesedilla

and he gave me a love letter he wrote to me
and i read it and cried
and he is so amazing
and i love him
and he is amazing
and i love him
i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him

Friday, March 30, 2018

March 30, 2018

So.... Update.
My Meds have been adjusted to "sleepy 24/7" levels but I'm Not manic anymore.
I'm not even sure how I Feel about it.
I'm trying to be more creative,  in general, in life. and also more  attentive to my social Media
This blog included.
I thought I would use the voice to text feature but the little microphone isn't here so. Idek wtf.

Destined to Fail at touchscreen typing for the rest of my days.

We gotta color Easter eggs today or Tomorrow

Stan and I are going to church on Sunday and I'm wearing my old school Granny dress that looks Like it's from the 1950s and I'm Pretty sure it issss from the 50s
So that's cool as hell

I really hope Easter service isn't too long.
Also. Strangely Enough it was Stans idea to go to church. So that was interesting to me.

I Woke up at 2 or 3 Back to Sleep at 4. Up at 6. I have to tend to the doggies all night when mom and dad aren't here.

Next week is mine and Stan's 4 years of dating anniversary. And my 32 birthday.

On April 17th I'm getting more teeth pulled. And after that I won't be able to eat solid food. Probably ever again....

And on April 19th I Have  psychiatrist and psychologist appointments back to back. Literally.

On April 27-29th we are busy with 3 different things.

April is Gonna be a pretty busy month all in all.

Monday, March 19, 2018

KY vacay summary post

We left on time (i think)
I made stan stop for me to pee a lot hahahaha.
I fell asleep TWO TIMES. and managed to vlog on in the car. hahaha

We got to Lexington at 5pm (given type change)
My father-in-law made a DELICIOUS DELICIOUS DELICIOUS home made dinner, which was awesome because I was totally not into getting dressed and going out

we had a light brunch at the house--- I had scrambled eggs and bacon cooked in the over it was DELICIOUS
we had a mini lunch (chicken) mostly because I had the munchies and was trying to stay awake and I always get hungry when I get sleepy in the middle of the day (its a weird habit.... my Nana is the way.... was.... the same way)
we went to half priced books and I found nothing worth getting (no good journals or anything) Stan found a copy of the book "A Princess Bride" and a box set of all the "Rocky" movies!!!!!

I went to bed really early sometime my meds make me super sleepy and sometimes I dont sleep that much. I think the new fangled bipolar medication needs to be increased.

It snowed over night!!!!!!

Monday: it snowed!!!! 7 inches of snow!!!!!
I ate a lot of banana pudding hahaha
we left for Morehead while the snow was on the ground but the road was clear.

We had chinese food in Morehead and chillaxed with Stan's mom.

Stan had to run to Walmart in the middle of the night to get me Tums and Pepto.... well, I mean he didn't have to but he loves me and he did it and I love him very very much.

Tuesday: we went to the Appointment with my mother-in-law Miss Joy... and I said something mean without thinking about it at all..... and I fell really bad and I didn't even know I said it I dont remember saying it and I his in the bedroom most of the day.
We also had chinese. Again. There is a lot of good chinese places in around Morehead

Wednesday: Tanner (stan's cousin) and his girlfriend
we hung out and Tanner and Stan talked a lot and I also talked to Tanner's girlfriend a lot. they made food (made tater tots in the air fryer and it was AMAZING to have tater tots not covered in grease)
there ended up being a lot of people at the apartment and I had to go sit in the bedroom.

Thursday: I met stan's ex Meg at the Fuzzy Duck and it was so cool Meg is awesome and we went to her house and saw her horses and her dogs. then we went back to stan's moms apartment and ordered pizza and hung out for a while. I went to bed early because I was really tired.

Friday: we stated in and chilled. I woke up at 6 and took a nap until 10 am lol
more chinese for dinner!!!!!

Saturday: we loaded up (aka threw everything in the tub that the air matress was in lol and left for home

it was very sad and I have decided to try and drive myself up there to visit my mother in law when I can get the nerve and guts to to do it. also when i get my car fixed.

we did laundry and took some stuff to the storage unit on sunday.

and sunday night we tried to watch the new Thor movie but I fell asleep =(
I slept really hard until the closet rod and all the clothes and shelf fell off the wall!!!!!

it was really loud and scared the shit out of Lilly
we had too much stuff hanging on the rod and the sheet rock gave away

Today is monday and I finally took a shower. lmao

I am trying to slowly clean up the bedroom but there is so much in here and no place to put up the clothes

I am making a little headway in parts of the room i guess.

I ate a can of creamed corn for lunch and i emptied and reformatted the micro SD card in my phone

also today its supposed to storm but i dont think it will

Stan is amazing and going to stop on the way home to get stuff that I need or want and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

 I gotta for play with my phone now....

I also need to help my mom and hold her puppy while she takes scissors to the hair on her back legs and tail to try and get some of her cleaned up a little bit.

Friday, March 9, 2018

friday march 8, 2018 --- WE LEAVE FOR KY TOMORROW

Friday March 9, 2018

sooooo today is the last day before the vacation starts!!!
and i am really excited an am having a better time with my anxiety with my new medications!
i'm hoping the feeling last when i am actually in kentucky and away from home. when i go places away from home.. i feel unsafe because im away from my "safe zone places"
I know the people we are spending out time with are good, wonderful people. I KNOW this, but my anxious paranoid brain is still scared of what might happen. and I wont have anywhere to run to get away because I am in a strange place.
I am hoping the medicine will make this better. but I dont know... I have never been through this with medication before.

I have back two bags. one for shorts pants dresses socks undies ect.
the short probably wont be used but they are just incase. And I have gym shorts for around the house and to sleep in.
the other bag is shirts and tank tops and scarves and hats and i need to try to get a sweater or two in there but i think i might just have to carry them and leave them in the car and get them when i think i need them.

i'm taking boots and normal shoes. and cute socks.
i have my make up packed.and all i need to bath an body and health and beauty.
i have a large purse with my books and planner and stuff. and a small purse that i will take in store and stuff .
I have taken my special washi tape and sticky notes and stuff in a small zippered bag so i can do my planner on the road. and my journal.
I'm taking a book stan got me for christmas to read. and a mandala coloring book and my new amazing color pencils.
i've pack up my meds for the whole trip
and i'm taking a vape to use instead of smoking cigarettes. it will be hard but it will be worth it.
yesterday i wrapped and decorate Mamma Joy's gift and it was so much funnnn.

i have to clean up miss lilly's eating place so its nice and my family can feed here while we are gone.

i'm washing stans last minute packing stuff right now. and some of mine. stan will pack tonight.
and he is going by the store for last minute things we might need.
and we will pre load the car as much as we can tonight.

i have a cube of food to eat on the trip that is soft enough for me to eat with my teeth hurting. when we get back i have an appointment on march 26 to see the dentist.

an on march 28 i see my psychiatrist again... and i hope he will get me with a psychologist or a therapist soon. like really really soon.

i'm gonna go do some last minute stuff and then relax a bit.

I slept last night! i went to bed really early and slept ALL through the night i didnt even wake up to go pee! and miss Lilly woke me up rubbing on my face asking for breakfast... so adorable

i havent typed on a real key board in a long time and i can definitely tell that i am out of practice lol

i will try to update every few days while we are on our trip but i make no promises , because i have no idea how busy i will be. =)

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Feb 28th 2018

So... I have some really good news!
Today was my psychiatrist appointment (in Birmingham... Ugh so far away) and it went really well.
I only had a little anxiety attack when we got to the building.
I was a little uneasy while getting dressed but it was surprisingly easy today. Like. I dunno how i did it. It was some kind of magical thing.

My new psychiatrist is very nice and kind and understanding. He listened to me and took my anxiety seriously. He didn't be little or dismiss my issues. It was amazing to be treated like a human being for once.

After it was over (and it only lasted 30 mins or so) we went to IHOP again lol. And I got pancakes and an omelet.... It was so good.
Victory pancakes!

We came back to tuscaloosa and dropped of my new prescription at the pharmacy. And apparently there was an issue with one of the pills but the pharm tech called the psych and they worked it out.

So we came home and I took a nap with stan until he had to go to work.
He pretty much took a half day off To take me to the doctor.

The rest of the day was pretty good.
Stan got chinese on the way home. And he got me Orange chicken. And corn nuggets.

We watched an episode of "orange is the new black" and now i am so here blogging and falling asleep.

So I start my new meds tomorrow. 😊😊😊😊
I gotta go to sleep now. I'm sooo tired.

Thursday, February 22, 2018

thursday feb 22, 2018

So. Let's just get it out of the way.
Yesterday was horrible. We have been officially legit told that if I want to get mental health care and not be waiting 2-5 months (at a minimum), I need to go out of town.
So... We got a referral to a place in Birmingham and I have to be there next Wednesday at 7am in the morning.. Which means leaving the house at..... 5:30am? and getting up at 3:30am????? yeah i am not happy about this.. but i think they are opening early to see me because 7am is really early so i am going to suck it up and accept it because maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. and i if they are infact opening early to see me i REALLY REALLY fucking appreciate them doing this for me? like the dude at the normal medical doc clinic must have pulled some strings really hard. ???? maybe i dont know.

which brings me to this next ordeal--

And I have to have Stan drive me, which makes me feel like a ridiculously selfish piece of shit. because i cannot drive myself to places like that..even if i had been there and knew how to get there the anxiety of having an appointment is so distracting that i am scared shitless to drive on the interstate because... i wont be able to focus and drive as good as i could and its a scary interstate thing and the city of birmingham has to be navigated and omfg just no no no no.
do not want

so other than that... in retrospect-- the thing that really upset me and makes me want to give up on getting help is.... I had a legit panic attack in front of the doctor and he was like "no anxiety meds for you. nope. nada." so I am thinking I might never get relief in that way and it makes me honestly want to quit life???? i dont mean die... not die but just comatose in bed just hook me up to fluids and stuff i am done. dissociate from reality forever. giving up, pretty much.

Like I have done this anxiety thing for so long and I am tired of being denied the things that would improve my quality of life. that crap has to stop. go through doctors until i find one that is willing to help me.

like i know these things exist and are right there but i cant have them because of doctors. and these things would improve my quality of life.

like what kind of ass backward fucked up world are we living in.
that just because SOME people abuse medicine for anxiety -- i am there for denied it entirely. when it is the very thing i actually need.

like thank you have a nice day.
and go live in crippling anxiety hell for the rest of your life. Its cool, all the cool kids are doing it. Its hip.


but i guess since we've already extended our search for help to include birmingham i can look up all the clinics and doctors in birmingham and see what places are open and taking new patients. because if we are driving that far for this anyway.... we might as well have an idea of who else might work besides the one psych doc that we were referred to (incase his stupid ass refuses to treat my anxiety like a valid thing. like i feel like i'm being dismissed and belittled by these people who see me have a panic attack and still refuse to do nothing for me when ITS THEIR DAMN JOB TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME)

and anyways... ALSOOOOOO because apparently the options in a city like birmingham are ridiculously good. so if we are gonna go ... lets go big? like.. if we have to drive that far lets just do the damn thing. what if i found like, THE PERFECT psychiatrist for me and my needs in birmingham... and i would have never even known they existed until we did this????

we have been told straight up that tuscaloosa is the shittiest place for mental health care ever. and its true. its absolutely true.

the other thing that we gotta figure out is-- i need a therapist. and this therapist needs to communicate with the psychiatrist. A LOT.
so we have that long distance hurdle because im pretty sure most psychiatrist are gonna have therapist they recommend and i'm pretty sure they'd be in birmingham. and the thing is that IF you dont go to the therapist regularly to work shit out.... it DOESNT GET WORKED OUT. so driving to birmingham every other week for the rest of my life.... yeah i dont even know... whatever

ok so i have tried to make a blog post that wont make my husband upset but i dont know if i have done it. i will find out when he reads it and tells me to take it down. lol

i have finished most of my things i wanted to do today so i think i might actually play pokemon or something.... idk.. i started the day so early it feels like it should be 6pm but its only 3:30...

uh anyway thats all for now. idk how long this blog post will be here... before i am forced to take it down but... thats whats happening right now... and next week.
(oh i didnt mention the thing on saturday but i guess i can make another entry about that???? idk)

its april 18

on the 22 i will be walking in a NEDA awareness walk... i raised 25 dollar thanks to my mother in law <3 nobody else donated so shame o...