Thursday, June 7, 2018

week of the 4th through the 10th

so the first have of this week has been pretty lax
i've had some weird sleep all day and night moments but I feel okay emotionally and mentally so I am not too worried about it

today i had a lot of chores to do so i am feeling very productive and i thought i would continue that feeling by blogging today

tomorrow i have to get everything ready for saturday
because saturday is the AP awards and I am going with Stan and I am excited
I am wearing my great grandmas dress. i dont care its vintage and i love it i don't care of it's not in style

after that is sunday which is laundry day and stan will need to rest from saturday

next monday i have an appointment with my psychologist/therapist and i need to make sure i write good journal notes on the AP awards banquet because we are trying to build my self esteem so i can function normally as a person

the fact that i am going to wear an old dress and have confidence is a good sign no?

then we have fathers day and i really hope stan talks to his dad and they have a good conversation.
I miss the relationship with Stans dad and them but I cant get it back and there's nothing i can do but just make sure Stan keeps in touch with them and keeps a good relationship with them despite me not being able to be there too. I know how important his Dad is to him and it would break my heart if they stopped talking. I have been really hard on myself about that because of how I understand the bond with  a father figure (i'm really close with my dad too)

I dunno.

lots of mixed feelings and sad and good and excited.

but i guess thats what normal life feels like, isn't it?
i will find out one day.
i hope

Friday, June 1, 2018

Post crawfish boil post

So at the boil I was ok for the most part... But my anxiety meds made me feel like I was falling asleep. So that on top.of feeling left out because i couldnt drink... or chose not to because its the right thing to do for my health.

I just went to to bed so that's sad...Because I missed out on all the games and cards games and stuff.

booo lol its ok i chose to sleep

on thursday we had to go to birmingham for my psychologist appointment and he said i am working on a lot of stuff and he seems pleased with my progress or atleast my attempts and things to get better. we have really good discussions and the cognitive therapy is really good for me.

this weekend we are going out with two friends to the movies well, they're a couple. so it's a double date. which is fun. we are seeing the movie Solo.

stan and i also have two other movies to see soon. but its gonna have to wait because next weekend is an awards banquet we are going to. and the next is fathers day. and the next we will be going to KY for stan's class reunion (I am really excited about this and I get to see Stan's mom which is the best thing EVER. I love her so much)


I am going to wear my great grandmas dress to the awards banquet !!!!

and a dress from my mom to the reunion

I am excited. i think i'm gonna wear red shoes with the dress to the reunion because i can wear any color with the dress and i think red shoes would really "POP"

its supposed to storm today!

i'm gonna goahead and publish this now.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

soooo... this is a busy week

this week we are cleaning up the house because on SATURDAY we are having a crawfish boil here at the house.

Lots of cleaning to do!!!!


Also today my dad drove my husband to the airport. i went with them so i could see him off because you never know when you fly it could be the last time... i know thats morbid but idk. he went with the news team to get a really cool award. like apparently this is a huge deal. I am very excited for him and the station and proud too.
we got stuck in a construction road work area for almost 30 minutes while taking Stan to the airport... that was really really unnerving. very not cool. but we made it and he got there and arrived safely and i just talked to him and he is ok. and celebrating or what not. hahaha.

We had a really big scare with some billing that the oral surgeon sent out but apparently its... i dont know how to explain it but its not the real bill we have to pay. thank God. I was so upset. I was so upset I couldn't even cry hardly. like... I was mad at myself for needing surgery and I still am and I know I dont deserve it. But My husband loves me and.... ok I'm gonna cry now I can't think about this.

long story short-- the bill was not legit and we will pay less.


we have to clean up the house a bit more before the weekend

also refill my meds

i'm trying to get everybody who plays an instrument to bring theirs so we can have a jam session
but i dont think that is gonna happen lol

I have something I wanna do for Stan's birthday but its probably gonna get done after his actual birthday
but it will be so very cool.
and yeah.

I also made him a new tigers eye bracelet


so basically
lots of cleaning
stan in washington DC for two days
refill meds
cleaning
CRAWFISH BOIL

BIRTHDAY

that's the rest of May... save for my next psychologist/therapist appointment on the 31st.
we are working on my self-esteem and re programming my thinking. its hard and idk how much progress i am making... but i am journaling and trying and i hope i can work things out.



Monday, May 14, 2018

monday isnt even over

and i'm ready for the weekend.
i just want my oral surgery to be over so i can start getting better. i've got a lot of clarinet practice to do and i can't do it until weeks from wednesday. no good, guys.

my psychologist appointment was great today. he was chatty and we had a few laughs. but we made some goals and talked about self esteem and self worth. to think i am worth taking care of myself and stuff. I also have to start a second journal to work on some writing prompts with getting my thinking pattern on situations changed.
i'm really gonna try.
atleast he understands the impact of my nana's death on my mental state right now.
he isn't nagging me about getting over the mourning.
which i appreciate, especially from a psychologist.

so after wednesday i wont be able to eat hard solid food. or chewy. or idk. i have no idea what i will be able to eat after my tooth extractions heal. maybe nothing at all.
if i lose weight i will be so happy. so so happy. its like a secret happy thing for me.
i'll be forced to eat less. if at all? yeah

i dont know if i can eat for the crawfish boil but thats ok too



one random note today: i drank a diet coke! i never do that! lol

stan was nice enough to get me IHOP today so i had pancakes... having "last meals" hahah

i love my husband. he has been sick lately with sinus allergy stuff and he wont go to the doctor.... i wish he would. i know its just sinus but it might make it better faster? he cant afford to be sick with his work.

i hope he feels better soon.
i will be a baby after surgery so i dont wanna make him stressed out more with his being sick while i'm a weakling.

i guess i'm gonna play some pokemon now

i practiced clarinet already today.
i will do it tomorrow
after that i dont think i will be able to do it for weeks. or a month. or two idek.


i love my husband.... he makes me laugh and keeps me taken care of and i hope i can take care of him too. i'm trying. i'm really trying.

Thursday, May 10, 2018

this week so far

so for most of the weekend and first of the week we had no internet here at the house lololol
we LIVE IN THE WOODSSSSS

ahhhh



on wedensday i had an oral surgeon consultation appointment where we talked and looked over what we were gonna do when we take my teeth out
it was terrifying but apparently... the insurance i have because of stan is very good and i will be able to get implants so i can eat..... later this year.... one thing at a time
gotta get 4 teeth pulled first

ugh

i feel so horrible because i didn't take care of my teeth
and i get mad because i know other people who dont and their teeth arent falling out so its like.... wtf... not fair... it must be genetics i dunno



also on wednesday we went to the last concert my highschool band director is going to direct. he is retiring
or has retired
as of last night
it was amazing and he had the beginning band and middle band and the highschool band all play and then he had people from his past teaching experiences play with the group and it was just amazing

i need to play clarinet more and especially the next few days because after i get my teeth out i dunno how long it will be until i can play again


so next wednesday i am getting my teeth out.


but on next monday i have to see the psychologist
and i dont even know what to expect from that seriously like i've never done this before i've had therapist but not psychologist


i just feel grateful every day that stan is in my life and helping me and im trying to take care of him the best i can

i know you read this and i am sorry for any and alll things that you may have seen or heard or read
but there is nothing i can do about it now, its in the past.

i am trying to be better
a better person
and that's all i can do

Friday, May 4, 2018

today i filled in some holes lol

in the YARD

our dogs love to dig holes in the yard--- i think they are after moles or something under ground

and these holes fill up with leaves and you can tell they are holes and this is dangerous for my husband!!!!!

and other people too... but really dangerous for him

so i am taking my booty outside and shovelling some dirtt today haha

tomorrow we are going to see the INFINITY WAR movie... FINALLLLLLLYYYYY.

I am so excited, we are going early so i need to make sure i shower tonight because I dont wanna have to get up at 5am and start gettng ready... the showing is at 11 and yall know i take forever to get ready for stuff.

my kitty just came and loved on me a lot so i need to go pay attention to her

I just thought i would give an update.

I gotta start cleaning up the house for the crawfish bowl here in a few weeks!!! omggg

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Your intermediate update

So... since the last update. I did NOT do the NEDA walk. it was storming and pouring rain and I was pretty sure that's now a good combo for a walk thing. I don't know if they cancelled it but if they didn't they should have because it was really really stormy

My psychiatrist appointment was great. we discussed the ambien and he agrees its just a try try again method on trying to figure out when i should take it at night. because if i take it on a full stomach it doesn't work very well. i won't really fall asleep.
if I take it on a empty stomach I fall asleep right away.
so I have two option.
Eat at 4pm. Take pill at 9pm.
take pill at 7:30pm eat at 8pm. hope I sleep at 9pm?

I will do the best I can on that. the taking the pill and then eating seems to work best... but eating at 8 am night is kind of not good in my opinion. I'd preffer to eat  at 6. but if I eat at six and take my pill at 9 my stomach is still full (i have delayed stomach... emptying or whatever its called. I have literally puked up something for 16 hours before... fyi it was gummi worm and ughhh)

we did not go to the burlesque show because it was just too much because we had the festival the next day. i wish we had went to it but there's always other times to go. but this one was who framed roger rabbit themed and i really wanted to see it lol.... "i'm not bad, i'm just drawn that way"




the festival was....
I didnt sell anything to anybody but family.
so that made me really sad.
but I did make a friend.
and my dad did really good!!! (this is the best thing!!!!)

I got really sad halfway through thinking about how I never sell anything and how Nana isn't alive to stop by and see me and how I was trying to sell stuff she had wanted to buy before she died but didn't... and I don't know...
I just packed up halfway through and sat in the car and fell asleep.
I couldn't do it.
I couldn't just sit there.
it was more than nana's death
people just walking by again and again
staring and looking and judging my jewelry and finding it not good enough to buy
like i try so hard to make good jewelry and nobody buys anything
why am i even doing this any more

these are the feeelings that i dont tell people
the feelings that people are judging me at these festivals and when they dont buy something its like... ok... ok i am horrible i am horrible i am horrible
and it gets to me
i tried for a few hours on saturday
but eventually i just couldn't do it anymore
so i packed up my stuff










reguarding the nana thing
 I have been told to stop using my nana's death as "an excuse" to be upset and bail on stuff and be sad or weird
and that really hurts me
like on the other hand I have had so so so many people tell me that I can grieve however I need to, as long as I need to, in any way that I need to.
and then i have someone telling me "how would you nana feel if she knew you were using her death to ..." blah blah blah

like how would she feel if she knew i was still grieving
she would probably be mad at me but i can't not feel the feelings i feel. i cannot control my feelings.

like... that isn't fair. at all. to say that i use grieving as an excuse. people grieve for years. my feelings are valid.
my. feelings. are. valid.

I know other people have lost people and I know they hurt too. but I am really hyper sensitive. and she was the person who cared for me when I was little. and we both had the bipolar batshits. and nobody understood us but us. and she is gone.
like
please back the fuck up off my feelings of grief

anyways

we didn't see infinity war because of bad feelings. so i guess we can see it next weekend

my oral surgeon appointment is still on... for May 9th

and on May 14... I see my psychologist again
and I have a looooooot to tell him.

sometime in may i think we are having a crawfish boil
hopefully for stan's birthday thing

and i have a friend from Troy who is hopefully going to be able to come up here for that!!!

I am really sad right now.

I am trying really hard to keep my marriage together and I don't want to and won't talk about it.
but I love my husband. And that is the truth. Forever. And ever.








RIP Nana





week of the 4th through the 10th

so the first have of this week has been pretty lax i've had some weird sleep all day and night moments but I feel okay emotionally and ...