Sunday, November 4, 2018

Testing out the media post

Previously the blogger app had been crashing when people attempted to make a post that Included images so I am going to make a test post

Its november!

So... This week I left the house three different times and FYI... That was ridiculously scary and exhausting and hard. like really hard. I've done a lot more walking than usual and my legs and entire body are so sore.
But I know...I have to remind myself that this will pass if I keep doing more. Granted that doing more won't be today. Haha. it's Sunday and laundry day and I'mma not about to so much of anything else.

Except for my visit my little brother down the road! Last night was his first night to stay in his new house/trailer with his wife Krista. I suppose they will sleep in but I might go down there later and see if she needs anything help unpacking. she has soooo much stuff to put away and the kicker is that her dishwasher isn't working so all those dishes and utensils and Tupperware? Gotta be hand washed.

So anyway right now I am starting to read books again. One is a collection of short stories by Mary Huggins Clark. And I am also rereading "the reef" by Nora Roberts because I loves it so much... It's about the ocean and treasure hunting and the sea.

I've started doing Sudoku puzzles again and I am tickled pink that Stan cannot do them. like hold on... Write that down. That's like one thing in a million that I can do that he can't. hahaha. Score one for me.

So today is laundry... Reading. Relaxing. Maybe visiting my brother in his new place.
Tomorrow Stan has to go back to Walmart because the pharmacy didn't have my Prozac on Saturday. They were completely out. Like wtf. That's not cool. And I think I have a therapist appointment this week.

Also Stan is also sure... Not quit sure but almost. That we will be getting a week to go to Kentucky this December. So I have something to look forward to. Other than I am not allowed to visit Stan's dad anymore. But I will stay with Mama Joy and we will have a good time because she is awesome and understands me. She is the kindest person I've ever met in my life. I feel so blessed to have her as my mother in law.

Also the Reynolds Christmas is scheduled for December 15 so that is something else I can plan on. But the big event to plan for is going to KY. I have some new pants and I gotta find my winter boots. I could have swore they we're here but I guess they are in storage because I looked and looked yesterday and I couldn't find them at all.

I have so many clothes I need to put away. especially the summer stuff...though in Alabama you never know when it might be 70 degrees again for a day so lol it's kind of like spring and summer never end here.

Side note: I am updating my blog from my cell phone the past two times. I changed my keyboard app and it seems to be so much better for me. The one I had before was nice because it remember all my custom words and hashtags. But the layout was so bad that I hit the period key every time I mean to hit the space bar. However this keyboard is much better so long story short... I can blog on the go without having to dig out my or carry my old Chromebook (which needs replacing. It's in almost mint condition but it's just such an old model that Google isn't updating the OS anymore) so I can blog on trips...In the car. Which will be fun I think. Haha

Ok... This post has been way longer than I intended but that's all for now.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

I decided today that I would do more

Do. More.
Housework. Socializing. Arts and crafts. Laundry. Cleaning. Helping my brother and sister in law move into their new place.
I want to do more.
And today I got up. Did a few of the first things on my list I made.... Then had one of the worst panic attacks in my life. Like. I could not breathe. I was literally gasping for air. And trying to talk and crying. I got really nauseated and ran to the bathroom to vomit. It was so sudden. I wasn't even remotely prepared. I usually dont actually vomit when I have panic attacks... I just feel nauseated. But today it was  blown all out done and done.

I'm having some personal self esteem issues regarding my duties as a house wife... As I have been severely depressed for the past few months. And then had a wedding to plan and be in... The bedroom is a disaster. And I knew a time would come that I'd have to clean up from when I was too depressed to get out of bed.... But it just hit me today so hard all at once.
And now I realize... Now. That I dont have to do it all at once. I can break it down. Take breaks between things.

I mean... I get so anxious about doing the tiniest things that most people dont even think about. So when a big thing comes up it's like a full on attack to my mental and physical well being. (because anxiety and panic involve the body responding to danger... Fight or flight etc)

I just... I don't even know.
I did a lot of stuff and it's not even noon and I didnt really sleep last night. And I had a panic attack so... I guess I will lay here and stare at pinterest for a while.
Maybe this afternoon I will "do more" than I did this morning

Saturday, October 20, 2018

ITS BEEN ONE WEEK

ONE WEEK SINCE MY LITTLE BROTHER GOT MARRIED
Now he's officially a man. lol
and his wife is the best person ever. like I am so excited to have a sister.

her wedding was the first time i have ever been in a wedding. and its only the second wedding i've ever been to in my life. I tried to help Krista get ready but I ended up giving the eye make up and lacing up of the dress to the other brides maid. she was really good at make up and didn't make krista look like a whore(which is what i was afraid i was gonna do. I DID do kristas foundation and powder and it turned out really good. ) we all had a field day trying to get krista's bra right for her dress. haha. Strapless bras are so weird and complicated... especially when she'd never wore one before.
Her dress was amazing and wonderful and I am so happy she got such a lovely dress.
My little brother shaved for the wedding and he looked so handsome nice and cleaned up.

it was so nerve wracking and i wasn't even the center of attention! I met the others brides maid the day of the wedding and she is so cool and we all want to hang out once gordon and krista get their trailer put together and move in.

they are so close to being moved into their trailer. they can almost taste it lol

today is the big Tennessee Alabama game and this week has been full of "HATE WEEK" stuff on facebook so Ive kind of just been ignoring most of the people posting on there because I dont really get into that stuff. I mean I like alabama football. just not THAT much

On wednesday I had two appointments at the mental health place--- we didnt even know we had the 8:50 one until the we got there, and thankfully we got there early enough to do it. So we got my  ativan prescription fixed up and i FINALLY have my meds right for the first time in like two months
My therapist was ok-- he had been in the hospital and is still sick but he is working anyway. He had this IV lines still in when I saw him wednesday. they dont wanna take them out because they would just have to restick him every few days. I aked him about how he was doing and he seemed so gratefully that I even thought to ask. it was sweet.

I know I am not updating that much and its because I dont get on my computer that often because its barely working for a lot of things. like i can't go on facebook because it crashes lol
but thankfully the most important things still work. like blogger.
i could update blogger on my phone but i have a really hard time typing on my phone. like i am so bad at touch screen keyboards its pathetic.

anyways..... uh. its saturday. i need to help my brother and them with the trailer but i really dont wanna  its raining and we can't track any mud into the trailer and that just makes the whole ordeal tedious.

anyways. happy football day. lmao
i'm gonna go do word search puzzles and watch greys anatomy on my phone. i finished the entire thing on netflix AGAIN and now i'm starting it over AGAIN
"TRUST ME I WATCH GREYS ANATOMY IM PRACTICALLY A SURGEON"

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

vacation was awesome

I had so much fun on vacation.
and on the way back i ate something that made me sick as hell. i am not over it yet-- food poisoning i guess.
tomorrow we have to go to my psych appointment to get my meds refilled and hopefully my doctor can find a loophole to get my anxiety medication fixed because if not i'm gonna be out of meds very soon and i have to make it almost a month without meds.
We are just really upset about it.

I'm sore from vomiting and today my head finally doesn't hurt

but I still feel nauseated as hell and I just tried to eat and it feels like shit

i've been obsessed with coloring in my adult stress relieving coloring books and also watching Greys Anatomy (still rewatching old seasons) and also King of the Hill (because it reminds me of my family haha)

uh anyway im gonna go lay down and rest or color. or maybe both in some order or another.

My brother is getting married on October 13th and I'm the matron of honor. =)
Its nice to have a sister type person to share things with. I love Krista so much.

I have got my dress and I hope it looks ok. I'm scared I've gained weight since I got it because I ate on vacation and I'm scared it wont look good.
I got my hair cut off really short and it looks really good and I'm happy about that.

Anyway I really reallly felt like I was dying yesterday. I tried to eat a yogurt and vomited everywhere. it was so horrible.

sigh anyway. will update again sometime soon.

I have to attend a bridal shower and the rehearsal this week i think? i really need to update my planner I have no idea whats happening because I haven't written anything down.

Friday, September 14, 2018

all i can say at this point is thank god for prozac

the psychiatrist has agreed to put me back on the 60 mgs of prozac i was on when i started seeing him and that has been able to pull me out of this depressive episode i have been in for all of august and some of september.
so now i gotta get back into the swing of living and my anxiety is really kicking my ass. making it hard to do just about everything i try to do.
Leaving the house by myself is a BIG deal. like. an event worth celebrating.
I'm find if Stan takes me places and drives me and he is with me. but I have not tried going anywhere with anyone else to see if I would be ok doing that.

Anyway.
My little brother is very close to moving into his trailer with his soon to be wife (they're getting married oct 13) and its very exciting and also happening very fast and  driving my mom crazy because she has to help him with setting up everything because he has no idea what all needs to be done to get a trailer set up out here in the woods (and to be honest i dont either its really complicated!)

aaaaand lets see. on monday the 24th I have a psychologist appointment (therapy)
and on tuesday the 25 we are going to the beach again for our anniversary (though our anniversary was back on sept 9... stan's job hasn't let him get off work until the end of the the month)
I am excited to go to the beach. Nana would have wanted to go and I am going to go for her. I miss her every day and It's still a very strong pain but I have found a way to push it to the back of my mind because if I focus on it I will never get better

I'm trying to start coloring in those adult coloring books again. its nice and relaxing.
I'm also trying to sit in the livingroom. especially right now while this hurricane footage is streaming live on the weather channel (i am a weather nerd)

I'm still journaling and stuff. not really playing video game right now. I'm still watching greys anatomy i dont think that will ever change. lol. Stan has gotten me started on watching the show Shameless (i love it a lot but I need a lot of mental attention to watch it and catch all the stuff that happens. its very fast paced)

hopefully in a few weeks we can get together with Alex and Sagen for a football game day party of some kind. we need to do that atleast once this fall.

and I gotta get a dress for Gordon and Krista's wedding on Oct 13. it needs to be a shade of purple so that is the hardest thing. almost all the dresses out in the stores right now are that really deep plum color and that is not the purple she was wanting but she says its ok, so atleast she is being reasonable and not all Bridezilla on us. haha

ok i'm gonna go color and eat some yogurt

tomorrow stan is meeting his dad and step mom for dinner and i am very happy he is getting the chance to see them. i know i am not welcome but that is ok. this is my fault and i am dealing with the feelings it gives me. its my fault, so that's all that can be said. i hope they have a good time.
because we aren't sure we will be able to get to KY for christmas this year (stan's job is making it hard for him to get time off)

anyway. my yogurt awaits me (its blueberry incase anybody is wondering lol)

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Today has been a year since Nana died

And I am not anymore over it than I was. I am still grieving. A lot. I am still angry. I still feel like she was stolen from me.

I have therapy tomorrow. My psychologist is trying to help me but I just can't... I can't do much right now because I am so depressed.


We got my antidepressant increased and we are hoping that will help. it still need another week to set in I think.


I am not eating much lately. I'm not losing weight because I am too depressed to get up and do stuff, but I really dont care too much I just have no appetite. Food is not appealing to me. All I eat is popcorn and animal crackers and tuna and wheat thins. I eat an egg white omelette at IHOP when stan takes me to the doctor every two weeks.

I watch Grey's Anatomy a lot. I started it over from the beginning because I love it so much.

I spend most of my days lately staring at the wall thinking about Nana.

I think this might be the worst depressive episode I've had in my entire life so far. I am better than I was. a lot better. but I am not ok. I am really not ok. But as bad as I am not-- I was so much worse a few weeks ago. I was not even functioning. I probably should have been in a psych hospital for stabilization but I have a lot of support here at home so I was ok.

so my days are full of nothing. empty. i feel empty. nothing i usually do gives me joy. i try to play video games or color in my really awesome adult coloring books or journal or collage or... anything. and nothing makes me happy. nothing gives me joy. everything is empty and pointless. i just want stan to stay home and curl up in bed with me all day. i want stan and cuddle in bed. nothing else makes me feel ok.

At the end of september stan is taking me to the beach and that is something that i am trying to get excited about. but i am fat and that makes me sad about it... but i want to be happy about it. Nana loved the beach she always wanted to go. and she would want me to go. and be happy. so I'm gonna go. (pending our reservations) and i'm gonna be fat and have fun anyway. and eat fried seafood. and collect sea shells. maybe play mini golf.

I wanna post more but it would just be sad stuff and I dont need to focus on that. I can write that out in my private journal anyway,

I hope everyone. or the one person. who read this is very well and having a good late summer/early fall


Testing out the media post

Previously the blogger app had been crashing when people attempted to make a post that Included images so I am going to make a test post ...